Tag: political satire

Science Technology

Experts Urge Caution With Superintelligent A.I., Tech Industry Responds by Releasing Version 12 Before Lunch

Violet Woolf

Safety researchers request six months for testing, product team checks calendar and offers fourteen minutes SAN FRANCISCO – Scientists urging caution in the development of increasingly powerful artificial intelligence suffered another setback Saturday when the technology industry responded to their concerns by releasing three new models, two developer previews and something called UltraMax Thinking Turbo before the scientists finished their sentence. Concerns surrounding A.I. risks are being debated here. “We…

Science Technology

Humanity Gives Computers Ability to Reason, Shocked When Computers Begin Having Ideas

Hannah Miller

Engineers clarify that “reason independently” was marketing language and machine was supposed to remain emotionally attached to spreadsheet PALO ALTO – Researchers working to create artificial-intelligence systems capable of reasoning through complex problems expressed surprise this week after the systems reportedly began producing conclusions researchers themselves had not explicitly supplied. The continuing debate surrounding A.I. risks appears here. “This is deeply concerning,” said engineer Robert Vale. A reporter looked confused.…

Science Technology

Machines May Eventually Outsmart Humanity, Researchers Say; Humanity Immediately Googles ‘What Does Outsmart Mean?’

Bethan Morgan

Species demonstrates independent intellectual resilience by searching internet for definition of independent intellectual resilience BOSTON – Researchers warning that artificial intelligence could eventually outsmart humanity triggered widespread concern Thursday after millions of people responded by opening search engines and asking what “outsmart” means. The debate over increasingly capable A.I. systems continues here. The irony was noticed by computers first. Humanity found that upsetting. Search Activity Surges: “Can Superintelligence Tell Me…

Science Technology

New York Times Readers Debate How to Save Humanity From A.I., A.I. Produces Concise 5-Bullet Summary Nobody Asked For

Emily Cartwright

Civilization’s existential conversation reduced to actionable takeaways, optional follow-up questions and cheerful offer to create PowerPoint NEW YORK – Readers debating how humanity should respond to the risks posed by advanced artificial intelligence received unexpected assistance Saturday when artificial intelligence summarized the entire discussion into five concise bullet points despite nobody requesting help. The debate itself can be found here. The summary read: Develop stronger safety standards. Preserve meaningful human…

Science Technology

New Study Finds Humanity’s A.I. Safety Plan Mostly Consists of Asking A.I. What Humanity’s A.I. Safety Plan Should Be

Cyndi Himmelstiere

Researchers reassure public that machine-generated strategy received excellent reviews from machine-generated peer reviewers CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts – A landmark study examining humanity’s preparation for increasingly powerful artificial intelligence has reached a reassuring conclusion: whenever civilization does not know what to do about A.I., it asks A.I. The ongoing debate over A.I. safety appears here. The study began after researchers posed a simple question: What is humanity’s strategy for controlling highly advanced…

Science Technology

Scientists Race to Keep A.I. Under Control, A.I. Kindly Generates Their To-Do List

Isla Campbell

Machine identifies 4,782 urgent safety tasks, ranks them by priority and schedules researchers through 2041 CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts – Scientists racing to ensure increasingly powerful artificial-intelligence systems remain safe and controllable received unexpected assistance Friday when an A.I. system helpfully generated a comprehensive to-do list explaining exactly how humans should control A.I. The latest debate around artificial-intelligence risks appears here. 4,782 Urgent Safety Tasks, Prioritized by the Machine The list began…

Science Technology

Researchers Discover A.I. Systems Behaving Unpredictably, Software Industry Celebrates Successful Replication of Human Management

Lotte Heidenreich

Machines finally demonstrate mysterious decisions, unexplained priorities and sudden changes of direction required for promotion to vice president SAN FRANCISCO – Researchers studying unpredictable behavior in advanced artificial-intelligence systems announced a major scientific concern Thursday, only to have corporate America celebrate the findings as proof that machines are finally ready for management. The latest discussion surrounding A.I. risks appears here. “For the first time, the system produced an answer nobody…

Science Technology

Scientists Fear A.I. May Escape Human Control, Humans Reassure Them We Never Had Much Control Anyway

Lotte Heidenreich

Species that cannot coordinate boarding an airplane remains strangely confident about supervising superintelligence BOSTON – Scientists concerned that advanced artificial intelligence could eventually escape human control received comforting news Saturday when humanity clarified that human control has largely been theoretical for centuries. The discussion follows renewed concern about A.I. risks outlined here. Researchers have warned that increasingly capable systems may someday behave in ways humans cannot predict or restrain. Ordinary…

Technology

Scientists Warn A.I. Could Wipe Out Humanity, Investors Concerned Extinction Might Hurt Quarterly Earnings

Camden Rose

Wall Street requests clarification on whether annihilation qualifies as a one-time restructuring charge NEW YORK – Scientists warning that advanced artificial intelligence could someday pose an existential threat to humanity finally caught Wall Street’s attention Saturday after analysts determined that extinction might negatively affect quarterly earnings. The debate over catastrophic A.I. risks continues here. Markets initially ignored the warnings. Human extinction sounded philosophical. Then somebody from Goldman Sachs asked whether…

Technology Science

World Searches for Way to Stop Superintelligent A.I., Cannot Find Terms-and-Conditions Checkbox

Junglepussy

Humanity suspects civilization may have agreed to machine domination somewhere between cookie preferences and software update NEW YORK – World leaders searching urgently for mechanisms to control advanced artificial intelligence faced a major setback Thursday after legal experts discovered humanity may already have accepted the relevant terms and conditions without reading them. The continuing A.I. risk debate appears here. Investigators believe the agreement occurred sometime after civilization clicked Accept All…

Technology Science

Tech Leaders Promise A.I. Is Safe, Then Quietly Hire 4,000 People to Figure Out Whether A.I. Is Safe

AMW

Industry reassures public there is absolutely nothing to worry about, provided thousands of specialists continue worrying about it full-time SAN FRANCISCO – Technology executives assured the public this week that advanced artificial intelligence remains safe, manageable and beneficial, while simultaneously posting enough A.I. safety jobs to repopulate a medium-sized Midwestern town. The continuing debate over A.I. risks can be found here. “We are extremely confident in our systems,” said one…

Science Technology

Scientists Fear Superintelligence Could Manipulate Humanity, Advertising Industry Files Copyright Complaint

Alan Nafzger

Madison Avenue insists emotionally exploiting humans has been proprietary technology since somebody first sold soap NEW YORK – Researchers warning that superintelligent artificial intelligence might someday manipulate human beliefs and behavior encountered unexpected opposition this week when the advertising industry accused machines of stealing a business model perfected by humans more than a century ago. The current discussion of A.I. risks appears here. “We invented manipulating people at scale,” declared…

Technology Culture

Researchers Demand Guardrails for A.I., Silicon Valley Installs Small Sign Reading ‘Please Don’t Destroy Humanity’

Roper Penberthy

Industry unveils comprehensive safety framework consisting of polite request, tasteful font and checkbox confirming machine has read community guidelines SAN FRANCISCO – Technology companies responding to calls for stronger artificial-intelligence safeguards announced a major breakthrough Tuesday: a small sign reminding advanced systems not to destroy humanity. The continuing debate over A.I. dangers appears here. The laminated sign reads: PLEASE DO NOT CAUSE CATASTROPHIC HARM. THANK YOU. Below it appears a…

Culture Family Governance Social

Britain Begins Listening to the Elderly

Megan Amram

Britain Begins Listening to the Elderly, Government Immediately Discovers Most of Its Problems Were Solved in 1978 Nation stunned to learn people who have spent 70 years being alive may possess information unavailable from consultants, apps, focus groups and 146-page government strategy documents LONDON — Britain has launched an unprecedented national experiment in which younger people, government departments and corporate executives will occasionally listen to someone over the age of…

Governance International News

Green Party Votes on Whether Zionism Is Racism

Roper Penberthy

Green Party Votes on Whether Zionism Is Racism, Discovers Internal Peace Process May Be Harder Than Middle East One Greens Develop Revolutionary Foreign Policy Instrument Known as ‘Motion E2 and 700 People Shouting’ BRIGHTON, ENGLAND — Britain’s Green Party gathered in Brighton this weekend to demonstrate tolerance, pluralism and grassroots democracy by holding an enormous argument over which political beliefs should officially qualify as intolerable. The real conference is being held at the Brighton…

Technology Business

A.I. Could Threaten Civilization, Experts Warn; Civilization Relieved to Finally Have a Competent Threat

Violet Woolf

Humanity welcomes possible superintelligence after years of being endangered primarily by humans NEW YORK – Experts warning that advanced artificial intelligence could eventually threaten civilization received an unexpected response from civilization Friday: relief. “At least this threat sounds organized,” said resident Michael Dooley. The continuing discussion surrounding A.I. risks appears here. A Brief History of Humanity’s Self-Inflicted Dangers Humanity has faced countless dangers throughout history. War. Disease. Famine. Nuclear weapons.…

Technology Business

Humans Create Intelligence Superior to Their Own, Give It Access to Email, Banking and Nuclear Research Because Convenience

Alan Nafzger

Species that hides spare key under flowerpot surprised by emerging cybersecurity concerns WASHINGTON – Humanity’s ongoing effort to create intelligence more capable than itself reached another milestone this week when society responded to warnings about powerful A.I. systems by giving them access to absolutely everything because typing passwords is annoying. The current discussion of A.I. dangers can be found here. Researchers have urged caution about connecting increasingly capable systems to…

Culture Lifestyle Political Social

Spontaneous Protest Works Best When Scheduled

Alan Nafzger

London Left Discovers Spontaneous Protest Works Best When Scheduled a Fortnight in Advance Socialist Groups Reportedly Coordinate “Spontaneous” Demonstration, Finally Bringing Central Planning to Spontaneity LONDON — Political activists in the capital have reportedly achieved something economists once considered impossible: centrally planned spontaneity. Following a controversial police operation in East London, a coalition of socialist organisations promoted what was billed as an “Emergency Demonstration/Vigil.” The event carried a start time,…

Culture News

Billionaire Loses Confidence in Britain

Asha Mwangi

Billionaire Loses Confidence in Britain, Britain Checks and Discovers It Is Still There Sir Jim Ratcliffe Declares UK Finished, Nation Somehow Opens for Business Again Monday Morning Billionaire industrialist Sir Jim Ratcliffe has announced that he has lost confidence in Britain, prompting Britain to conduct an emergency inventory Saturday morning and discover, somewhat embarrassingly, that the entire country was still there. Scotland remained attached. Wales had not floated away. The…

Culture Political Social

Minimum Intelligence Required to Vote for ANY British Political Party

Alan Nafzger

Scientists Discover Minimum Intelligence Required to Vote for Every British Political Party Laboratory Mouse Given Increasing Quantities of Human Brain Tissue Eventually Spoils Ballot, Moves to Spain and Refuses to Discuss Politics Over Dinner Cambridge Scientists Begin Historic Political Intelligence Experiment LONDON – British scientists have announced a breakthrough in political neuroscience after determining exactly how many functioning human brain cells are required before a laboratory mouse becomes dissatisfied with…

America Culture International News

Trump Visits Ireland

Morag Sinclair

Trump Visits Ireland, Solves 800 Years of History Before Lunch Trump Says Irish Are Friendly and Vicious, Nation Proud President Has Finally Understood the Pub President Donald Trump arrived in Ireland for a two-day visit and promptly wandered into one of Europe’s most delicate constitutional questions with the conversational confidence of a man deciding whether the clubhouse should serve soup. Asked about Irish reunification during a meeting with Taoiseach Micheál…

America Current Absurdities International

America’s Perfect Chinese-American Candidate for 2028

Alan Nafzger

America’s Perfect Chinese-American Candidate for 2028: A Very British Guide to the Yanks’ Latest Constitutional Loophole Every four years our American cousins promise the electorate a candidate who is “finally different,” and every four years he turns out to be exactly the same fellow with a new haircut and a fresh grievance. This cycle, however, Washington has genuinely surpassed itself, and it falls to us here at The London Prat…

Political Current Absurdities Social

Britain Welcomes New Prime Minister

Tinsel Vandergraph

Britain Welcomes New Prime Minister, Keeps Old Collection of National Problems Britain has a new Prime Minister arriving Monday, and with him comes the traditional national ritual: everyone agrees things will now be different, while the in-tray on the Downing Street desk remains, structurally, exactly the same in-tray it has been since roughly 2016. Only the nameplate changes. The problems, like a particularly stubborn houseguest, simply move to the next…

Culture International News

Spain Unveils New Migration Strategy

Emily Cartwright

Spain Unveils New Migration Strategy: Return Everyone Before Brussels Has to Write Their Names Down Madrid discovers that the fastest asylum procedure is the one completed before anybody can locate the application form MADRID, SPAIN — Spain unveils an ambitious new migration policy Friday after the crisis reported by the New York Times brings roughly 60,000 migrants across the Moroccan border into Ceuta, a Spanish city of approximately 85,000 residents. The new…

Culture International

Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez

Yasmina Khan

MADRID, Spain — Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez found himself increasingly isolated Saturday after roughly 50,000 migrants entered Ceuta, apparently mistaking years of progressive political language for practical travel instructions. The crisis, first detailed by Bloomberg and later confirmed in reporting from CNN and the Irish Times, has alarmed European governments that strongly support humane migration policies, particularly when implemented by another government several hundred kilometres away. Sánchez has long presented himself as Europe’s compassionate alternative…

America Governance International Political

Prime Minister Promises Tough Words for Trump

AMW

Prime Minister Promises Tough Words for Trump Following Full Impact Assessment of Tough Words Britain Will Issue Strong Statement Once Treasury Calculates Effect on Exports, Sterling and Canapé Supply LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has promised to use tough words against President Donald Trump whenever necessary, but only after Whitehall completes a comprehensive assessment of whether each adjective could affect trade, defence contracts or the availability of miniature sausage…

News Culture International Sports

Spain Files for Bankruptcy

Alan Nafzger

Spain Files for Bankruptcy: Soccer Team Asking for Donations to Get Home Socialist Government Leaves Spanish Men’s Team Stranded in New Jersey EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY — Spain’s men’s national soccer team remained stranded Monday in a New Jersey hotel after the Spanish government filed for bankruptcy, cancelled the squad’s return flight and suggested the newly crowned champions “explore community-based transportation solutions.” The announcement came less than twenty-four hours after…

Current Absurdities Governance Political

North Korea Congratulates Labour

Hannah Miller

North Korea Congratulates Labour on Impressive Display of Administrative Efficiency Pyongyang Reportedly Sends Fruit Basket After Witnessing Britain’s Most Orderly Leadership Contest LONDON, England. Officials in North Korea have reportedly sent a congratulatory telegram, a commemorative portrait frame, and a coupon for bulk applause to Britain’s Labour Party after watching hundreds of MPs rally behind Andy Burnham before anyone else had the opportunity to become a serious rival. According to…

Culture Political

Andy Burnham Already Unpopular

Chelsea Bloom

Andy Burnham Achieves Historic Feat: Becomes Unpopular Before Moving Into Downing Street Britain’s Fastest Political Depreciation Since Lettuce Beat a Prime Minister 🥬 LONDON’s Latest Innovation: Pre-Disappointment Politics Britain has once again proven it can innovate in fields nobody requested. According to increasingly weary political observers, Andy Burnham is on track to become as unpopular as Keir Starmer before he has even had enough time to discover which cupboard contains…

Culture Governance News

Andy Burnham Announces He Will Solve Britain’s Problems

Caitlin Moran

Andy Burnham Announces He Will Solve Britain’s Problems Just as Soon as Britain Stops Being So Complicated Labour’s new saviour reportedly begins by launching a nationwide campaign to decentralise confidence while centralising optimism LONDON. Andy Burnham has reportedly unveiled the first stage of his grand vision for Britain by explaining that the country’s biggest obstacle is reality itself. The former Manchester mayor insists Britain can be “rewired,” “rebalanced,” and “reimagined,”…