Palace Sources Confirm Kate Now Gives Weekly Presentations Titled “Things Your Relatives Definitely Should Not Have Done”
William Allegedly Shocked To Discover Public Reputation Cannot Be Fixed By Visiting Aston Villa Matches And Looking Thoughtful
In a development that will cause precisely no surprise among the twelve per cent of the British population who have spent any time thinking about how the modern monarchy manages its image, it can now be reported — satirically, with emphasis on the satirically — that Princess Kate has instituted a weekly internal briefing at the Wales household that insiders are calling the most useful standing meeting in British constitutional history since someone presumably sat Queen Victoria down and explained photography.
The presentation, allegedly delivered on Monday mornings between the school run and whatever the week holds in terms of ribbon-cutting and groundbreaking, is titled — again, satirically — “Things Your Relatives Definitely Should Not Have Done.” It runs to approximately forty-five minutes, covers recent press coverage, likely public sentiment, and recommended responses, and concludes with what sources describe as an “action items” section that William sometimes takes notes on and sometimes simply nods at in a way that suggests he is already thinking about football.
The Football Problem: A Case Study In Missing The Point
William’s relationship with Aston Villa is, to be clear, entirely genuine, entirely wholesome, and — from a public relations standpoint — almost entirely useless as a crisis management tool. And yet, sources suggest, it is his first instinct. When something goes wrong — a headline, a documentary, a memoir, a general ambient sense that the family has had a difficult quarter — William’s impulse is to be seen somewhere real, doing something real, with real people.
This impulse is not wrong, exactly. It is just insufficient. Visibility is not the same as communication. Being photographed looking thoughtful at Villa Park is not the same as saying something. The thoughtful look, as previously documented in these pages, requires accompanying content to function as PR rather than simply as a record of a man watching football with his normal face on.
Ricky Gervais once observed that the British class system’s great trick is to make performing normalcy look natural while keeping everything abnormal underneath. William is, by most accounts, attempting to reverse-engineer this in real time — performing normalcy genuinely, which turns out to be a different skill set entirely.
What The Presentation Actually Covers
Our satirical reconstruction of Kate’s weekly briefing, based on no actual sources whatsoever and the general pattern of available royal coverage, suggests the following agenda:
Item One: Review of the week’s coverage. Kate presents a summary. William makes a face. Kate notes which face it was for the facial expression training records she definitely does not keep.
Item Two: Outstanding issues from the previous week. These are reviewed for resolution progress. Some have been resolved. Some have been resolved by time rather than action. Several, per ongoing BBC royal coverage, are still in the “hoping everyone forgets” column, which Kate has coloured grey on her traffic-light tracking system.
Item Three: Upcoming engagements and their strategic value. This is where the official royal engagements calendar meets the practical reality of what each appearance needs to achieve. A children’s hospital visit is not just a children’s hospital visit. It is also counter-programming, narrative repositioning, and evidence that the heir to the throne is a decent human being. Kate, reportedly, is very good at this.
Item Four: Any other business. This is, by all satirical accounts, the most dangerous part of the meeting, because William sometimes uses it to raise things he has read in the papers that morning and wants to know why nobody told him. Kate reportedly has a very particular expression for this segment.
The Bigger Picture, Which Is Kate
There is a version of this story that is genuinely moving, if you set aside the jokes for a moment — and this column always sets aside the jokes at the end, because good satire has a sincere turn, and this is ours. Kate has managed to become indispensable to an institution that has historically not been excellent at recognising the indispensability of the women inside it. She has done so not by demanding recognition but by being so operationally central that her absence is immediately legible in the public record.
Marie Claire’s royal coverage, which is where much of the “steely Kate” framing originated, has consistently noted that her influence is felt most clearly not in what she does publicly but in what doesn’t go wrong when she’s involved. That is the definition of excellent infrastructure. Nobody thinks about the plumbing until it fails.
Kate is the plumbing. That is the highest possible compliment. She knows it. William knows it. The corgis know it.
Aston Villa, for their part, have no comment.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
This is British satirical journalism, produced in collaboration between a human writer and an AI assistant. The Monday morning presentation and its contents are satirical inventions. Princess Kate’s strategic communications role has been widely and credibly reported across the BBC, Marie Claire, and other established outlets, with consistent coverage noting her influence on the Wales household’s public image management. Prince William is a genuine Aston Villa supporter. Published by The London Prat.
Lowri Griffiths brings a distinct voice to satirical journalism, combining cultural critique with dry humour. Influenced by London’s creative networks, her writing reflects both wit and discipline.
Her authority stems from experience, while trust is built through transparency and ethical satire.
