Harry Returns to Britain and Discovers You Can’t Resign From Family
Prince Harry returns to the Cotswolds six years on and discovers you cannot resign from your family, however formal the announcement.
Tag: royal family
Princess Anne Refuses to Sugarcoat Anything
Princess Anne refuses to sugarcoat anything, and Buckingham Palace runs out of sugar and of people willing to argue with her.
Defamation Law Explains Why Dead Monarchs Make Bestsellers
Publishers Love Subjects Who Cannot Sue LONDON, ENGLAND – Britain’s publishing industry has discovered an extraordinary commercial advantage in producing embarrassing biographies about people who are no longer available to dispute the contents. The revelation follows speculation that Sarah Ferguson might eventually write a book about the Royal Family after King Charles’s death, although Ferguson’s representatives maintain that no such memoir is being planned. Literary executives have reportedly welcomed the…
Sarah Ferguson Finds Britain’s Best Royal Pension Plan
Outliving the Royals Pays Better Than Marrying Into Them LONDON, ENGLAND – Sarah Ferguson has reportedly discovered a revolutionary form of long-term financial planning that requires no investments, employment, qualifications or particular understanding of compound interest. All that is necessary is membership in the British Royal Family, an excellent memory and sufficient patience to survive several major family anniversaries. Reports have suggested that Ferguson could eventually reconsider publishing a royal…
Prince William Inherits the Throne and the Family Grudges
Crown Comes With Castles, Swords and Publishing Contracts LONDON, ENGLAND – Prince William has reportedly discovered a previously overlooked disadvantage of becoming King of England: the crown is hereditary, but so are the family arguments. Speculation that Sarah Ferguson might someday publish a royal memoir after King Charles’s death has prompted an extraordinary theoretical review of the administrative burdens awaiting the next monarch. Ferguson has denied that she is writing…
Princess Margaret May Have Suffered From Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
Princess Margaret May Have Suffered From Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Royal Historians Discover Queen Mother Believed Pregnancy Was No Reason to Interrupt Happy Hour “Well, That Explains a Lot,” Says Britain, as Buckingham Palace Insists Royal Babies Were Traditionally Marinated Rather Than Delivered LONDON — A new biography of Princess Margaret has raised the possibility that the late royal had fetal alcohol syndrome, and historians have responded by asking whether Buckingham…
Scientology’s Takeover of William and Kate
Twelve Clues Suggest Scientology Is Circling William and Kate, Thirteenth Clue Simply Reads ‘Seriously, How Many Royal Events Is Tom Cruise At?’ Royal journalist assembles 12 pieces of evidence Scientology has reached the heirs, immediately runs out of red string LONDON — Buckingham Palace has reportedly become concerned about Prince William and Catherine’s increasingly visible association with Tom Cruise, although the actual reporting rests on an anonymous source rather than any public…
Tom Cruise Says Five Nice Words About Kate Middleton
Tom Cruise Says Five Nice Words About Kate Middleton, Britain Deploys Entire Royal-Analysis Industry “William chose well” enters the national bloodstream, where ordinary compliments are immediately converted into constitutional events LONDON — Britain’s royal-commentary infrastructure was placed on heightened alert after Tom Cruise reportedly looked at Catherine, Princess of Wales, and delivered the dangerously concise verdict: “William chose well, she’s beautiful.” The remark, reported by Grazia, contained five words of matrimonial analysis,…
Diana Would Have Been ‘Happy’ Without Charles
Charles Spencer Says Diana Would Have Been ‘Happy’ Without Marrying Charles, Royal Family Orders Investigation Into This Mysterious Emotion Diana’s brother requires one word to summarize an alternative life involving less palace protocol, fewer photographers and a dramatic reduction in three-person marriages NEW YORK — Charles Spencer has offered perhaps the shortest royal biography ever written. Asked what his sister Princess Diana’s life might have been like had she never married the future King…
Prince Harry Checks Uncle’s Diana Memoir for Embarrassing Revelations, Discovers Royal Family Has Bigger Problems Than Chapter About Him
Prince Harry Checks Uncle’s Diana Memoir for Embarrassing Revelations, Discovers Royal Family Has Bigger Problems Than Chapter About Him | Duke Finds Himself in Rare Position of Being Merely Related to the Crisis
Harry’s Only Question About Explosive Diana Memoir: ‘Am I in Trouble?’ Proving Even Princes Understand How Family Books Work
Harry’s Only Question About Explosive Diana Memoir: ‘Am I in Trouble?’ Proving Even Princes Understand How Family Books Work | Royal Blood Apparently Offers No Immunity From the Ancient Terror of Hearing “Your Uncle Has Written Something”
Britain Faces Six Impending Royal Conflicts
Prince Harry Faces Six Impending Royal Crisis, Palace Quietly Orders Seventh Just in Case Royal Calendar Now Includes Remembrance Sunday, Christmas, Carol Singing and Several Ceremonial Opportunities to Stand Near Someone You Haven’t Spoken to Since 2022 LONDON — Britain, having temporarily run short of constitutional emergencies, has discovered six fresh crises involving Prince Harry, Meghan Markle and the terrifying possibility that somebody might attend Christmas lunch. What are the…
King Charles’ Response to Diana Book
King Charles Issues Rare Response to Diana Book, Immediately Reminds Publishers Why Royal Silence Was Such a Successful Business Model Palace Experiments With Revolutionary Communications Strategy Known as “Answering” Buckingham Palace departed from one of monarchy’s most successful traditions last week by responding to Earl Spencer’s forthcoming memoir, immediately demonstrating why generations of royal advisers previously preferred the communications strategy known as shutting up. Spencer alleges that King Charles made…
William Considers Royal Title Shake-Up
William Reportedly Considers Royal Title Shake-Up, Family Christmas Expected to Require Name Tags Harry Worries Archie and Lilibet Could Become Ordinary Citizens, Millions of Ordinary Citizens Send Thoughts and Prayers Britain’s continuing royal-title discussion entered its natural final stage this week: grown adults debating whether two children should someday be forced to endure the humiliating social condition currently suffered by almost everybody on Earth. Prince Harry is reportedly concerned about…
Harry and Meghan ‘Happy to Be Back’
Harry and Meghan ‘Happy to Be Back,’ British Newspapers Convene Emergency Meeting to Determine Why Harry wants Archie and Lilibet to understand their British heritage, beginning with rain, queues, school uniforms and the ancient national custom of having strangers explain your family to you Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly delighted to be back in Britain, where Prince Archie, 7, and Princess Lilibet, 5, have started the new school…
Diana Inc.: New Book and New Netflix Film
Diana Inc.: New Book, New Netflix Film, and a King Bracing for Impact Thirty years on, Princess Diana remains the family’s most reliable income stream, and nobody in Buckingham Palace can figure out how to unionise against it There is a very specific look that crosses a monarch’s face when he learns a member of his own former in-law network is publishing a memoir called Swan Song, and it is not…
Andrew and Fergie Finally Move Out, 30 Years After Divorce
Couple Demonstrates That Divorce Is Not Necessarily the End of a Marriage, Particularly When Neither Party Wants to Give Up a 30-Room Mansion LONDON, ENGLAND | Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and Sarah Ferguson have finally set up separate homes three decades after their divorce, bringing an extraordinary chapter of British matrimonial history towards its natural conclusion. Divorced in 1996, Still Sharing Royal Lodge The couple divorced in 1996 but kept an unusually…
Royal Marriage Declared Dead
Royal Marriage Declared Dead After Princess Fails to Submit Mandatory Anniversary Emoji Celebrity Media Converts Silence Into Testimony, Privacy Into Suspicion and Personal Distress Into a Quarterly Growth Strategy LONDON — Princess Beatrice has reportedly “finally sent a message” concerning rumours about her marriage, according to a StyleCaster headline syndicated via Yahoo asking whether her relationship with Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi is “hanging by a thread.” The evidence appears to consist largely of…
Photos Posted: Prince Archie of Sussex
Meghan Markle Shares Prince Archie’s Summer Holiday Photo, Britain Accidentally Experiences Three Consecutive News Cycles Prince Archie of Sussex Looks Amazing! Britain briefly suspended arguments over inflation, potholes and railway delays after Meghan Markle posted a carefully curated summer holiday photograph of her children during a visit to the United Kingdom. Within minutes, every royal correspondent in the country was examining shadows, fence posts and ice-cream flavours with the concentration…
Madame Tussauds Confirms Chamber Of Horrors Less Frightening Than Ticket Price
Madame Tussauds Confirms Chamber Of Horrors Less Frightening Than Ticket Price | Visitor surveys consistently rank admission cost above waxwork scares for genuine alarm
Prince William Offers Harry Reconciliation
Prince William Offers Harry Reconciliation, Provided He Signs the Magna Carta of Family Group Chats Public apology, legally binding silence and restrictions on imitation royal tours reportedly form the Prince of Wales’s exciting new “Brotherhood Premium” package William’s Three Conditions for Reconciliation LONDON | A report circulating on Yahoo claims Prince William has established three conditions for reconciliation with Prince Harry: a public apology from Harry and Meghan, a legally binding agreement…
Prince Harry Reconciles With King Charles
Prince Harry Reconciles With King Charles After Discovering Father Still Has a Functioning Chequebook Royal Healing Reportedly Accelerates After Lawyers Discover Compassion May Be Tax-Deductible By Emily Cartwright | LONDON Prince Harry’s long-awaited reconciliation with King Charles has entered an encouraging new phase after the Duke of Sussex reportedly remembered that his estranged father is not merely a parent, monarch and defender of the faith, but also a gentleman with…
Harry Allowed to Meet King
Harry Allowed to Meet King After Agreeing Not to Turn Conversation Into Six-Part Documentary Palace officials confiscate one memoir manuscript, three lapel microphones and a producer disguised as a ceremonial footman LONDON — Prince Harry has reportedly been permitted to meet King Charles after passing an unusually thorough palace security inspection and signing a legally binding promise not to transform the private conversation into a six-part documentary, a twelve-episode podcast or a…
Buckingham Palace Adds 776th Room, Nobody Sure Why
Buckingham Palace Adds 776th Room, Nobody Sure Why | Royal Household confirms new space discovered during routine plumbing survey
Prince George Easily Passes Exam
Prince George Completes Eton Entrance Exam in Record Time, Politely Corrects the Examiners Examiners Reportedly Award Extra Marks After Discovering the Future King Has Solved Questions That Won’t Be Invented Until 2042 WINDSOR — Prince George has reportedly passed the entrance examination for Eton College with such astonishing ease that examiners spent most of the afternoon wondering whether they should simply promote him directly to Head Boy. Palace officials have confirmed only that…
Moron’s Accuse Kate Middleton of Being an AI Hologram
Kate Middleton Accused of Being an AI Hologram After Committing the Crime of Changing Her Trousers LONDON Discovers a New Conspiracy Theory: The Princess Has More Than One Pair of Trousers LONDON. Kate Middleton’s fans are rallying to her defense this week after a small but extremely confident corner of the MORONIC internet concluded that the Princess of Wales could not possibly have completed the National Three Peaks Challenge, because…
King Charles Dreams of Family Reunion
King Charles Dreams of Family Reunion Lasting Longer Than the News Cycle Palace Unveils New Five-Year Plan as Engineers Attempt to Build a Sentence Containing the Words “Harry,” “Meghan,” and “Lunch” Without Triggering a National Incident LONDON — Britain, a nation that once ran the largest empire the world has ever seen, now devotes the bulk of its strategic energy to getting four specific adults to sit at the same…
Meghan Markle Needs One Thing
Meghan Markle Reportedly Needs Just One Thing: A Royal Family With Selective Amnesia Experts Say Meghan’s Comeback Plan Hinges on Britain Forgetting the Last Five Years — Good Luck With That LONDON — Buckingham Palace officials are reportedly reviewing an innovative new reconciliation strategy after royal commentators suggested the only obstacle standing between Meghan Markle and a triumphant return is the British public’s inconvenient habit of remembering things. According to unnamed palace…
Duke of Sussex Believes Reconciliation Begins With Direct Deposit
Historians Note Medieval Princes Also Preferred Forgiveness With Monthly Payments LONDON — Royal historians, financial analysts and several men currently hiding from their ex-wives have united in admiration this week after reports emerged suggesting that Prince Harry’s latest understanding of family reconciliation begins with the same question millions of ordinary Britons ask every payday: “Has the money gone through yet?” According to unnamed palace observers — and people who communicate exclusively…
California Lifestyle Costs Slightly More Than Frogmore Cottage
LONDON, England. Prince Harry is reportedly seeking financial assistance from King Charles III, proving that no matter how many documentaries, memoirs, podcasts, interviews, Oprah sit-downs, and gently-lit candid photo opportunities a person produces, eventually every family group chat circles back to the one truly universal message: “Dad, could you help me out?” Royal historians say the British monarchy survived the Vikings, three civil wars, the abdication crisis, and Fergie’s toe situation, but nobody…