Hegseth Marks NATO’s Homework: Britain Could Do Better LONDON — American Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth swept into Brussels last week and did something no British headmaster has dared since corporal punishment was abolished. He marked the whole class in front of each other. Some allies, he announced, would pass with flying colours. Others would fail. Nobody had been told beforehand whether the exam was open book, closed book or simply a pass-fail…
Iran Begins Historic Sixty-Day Process Of Doing Absolutely Nothing Tehran Celebrates Successful Agreement To Discuss Whether It Agreed To The Agreement TEHRAN, Iran – Iranian officials celebrated Friday after completing the first twenty-four hours of their historic sixty-day diplomatic initiative, during which they successfully signed an agreement, questioned the agreement, accepted the agreement conditionally, rejected several interpretations of the agreement and cancelled the first meeting intended to implement the agreement.…
Iran Ceasefire: Sixty Days Of Studiously Achieving Nothing Whitehall Hails Historic Breakthrough In Agreeing To Disagree Later, At Length, By Committee LONDON — Diplomats celebrated a breakthrough this week after negotiators reached a preliminary agreement allowing everyone involved to declare victory while carefully avoiding the uncomfortable task of working out whether anything had actually been solved. A Breakthrough Nobody In The Foreign Office Can Quite Define Under the framework, Iran receives negotiations,…
Trump Announces Historic Iran Deal, Insists Everyone Will Read The Fine Print Eventually Iran Agrees Not To Build Nuclear Weapons, Reserves The Right To Pursue Extremely Suspicious Science Projects LONDON — President Donald Trump has announced what officials are calling a “historic” US-Iran framework deal this week, a diplomatic document so important that several members of Congress immediately demanded to read it before pretending they had already read it. Westminster,…
The Trusted Partner Scheme: Britain Now Needs a Permission Slip to Talk to a Computer LONDON — Officials in Washington and Brussels are reportedly drawing up a “trusted partner” arrangement that would allow approved nations to access the cleverest software ever assembled, provided they fill in the correct paperwork and promise not to lose it down the back of a sofa. The talks follow a decision by the American government to…
White House Cage Fight Almost Upstaged By Amateur League Of Political Supervillains Man Allegedly Plots Attack On UFC Event, Discovers White House Already Full Of People Trained To Fight Back LONDON — American federal authorities announced this week that an alleged plot targeting a high-profile UFC event at the White House has been disrupted, leaving political observers across the Atlantic disappointed that America’s newest reality television format, Government By Cage Match, would proceed without interruption.…
British Tourists Discover America Has Been Hiding A Dangerous Secret: They Rather Like It Over There Home Counties Sceptics Devastated To Learn Waffle House Is Not A CIA Front LONDON — For decades, the British have been reliably informed that the United States is a dystopian wasteland where everyone goes bankrupt buying a packet of aspirin, children pledge allegiance to giant corporations before breakfast, and ordinary citizens settle philosophical disagreements…
FIFA’s Newest Hospitality Tier for Iran: Land, Play, and Kindly Leave A pioneering scheme in which a national side queues for five hours, draws 2-2, and is shown the door before the kettle’s even boiled LONDON — Iran’s national football team has reportedly experienced the most aggressive checkout policy in hospitality history, after coach Amir Ghalenoei complained that Team Melli was bundled back towards its training base in Mexico mere…
Trump Surrenders, Declares Historic Victory In The War Against Problems He Personally Created Geneva, Where The Round Trip Books A Return Ticket LONDON – President Donald Trump declared “TOTAL VICTORY” this week after signing what critics have branded a “surrender agreement” with Iran, ending months of escalating conflict by arriving, in Switzerland of all places, at almost precisely the same diplomatic destination everyone occupied before the conflict began. “Nobody surrenders better…
Britain Watches in Bafflement as Trump Siblings Go to War Over Fizzy Drinks LONDON — News reached Britain this week, via the sort of breathless American entertainment report that usually accompanies footage of a celebrity buying a sandwich, that two young members of the Trump family have launched competing energy drink brands. Simultaneously. Reportedly without coordination. Barron Trump is said to be backing a yerba mate venture aimed at clean-living young…
FIFA Introduces Battery Of New World Cup Rules After Discovering Referees Quite Enjoy Having Absolute Power LONDON — Football’s lawmakers have unveiled a sweeping arsenal of new regulations for the 2026 World Cup, each one handing the man with the whistle a fresh and exhilarating opportunity to halt proceedings, raise a hand, and remind twenty-two millionaires exactly who is in charge. The referee, long the most quietly powerful person on the pitch,…
Prince Harry Plans UK Return, Immediately Applies For Witness Protection From His Own Relatives LONDON — The Duke of Sussex is expected back on British soil next month, and royal sources confirm he has begun making the customary arrangements: hotel, transport, and a sophisticated relocation programme designed to keep him at a safe distance from a brother who reportedly does not have his phone number and would not use it if…
Whitehall Defends Overseas Research Programme By Asking, “Would You Prefer The Germs Remain Unsupervised?” LONDON — British officials found themselves in the unusual position this week of commenting on revelations from the United States that dozens of overseas biolaboratories had received American support, prompting Whitehall to reassure the public that, whatever Britain may or may not be doing, it is undoubtedly being managed through a committee that meets on alternate Thursdays…
BBC’s Zoe Kleinman Demands Elon Musk Be Made An Intellectual Eunuch — Here’s The Full Charge Sheet The Man Colonising Mars, Putting The Internet In Space, And Building A Million Solar-Powered Satellites Must Be Reigned In, Says Woman Who Has Never Launched Anything LONDON — The BBC’s Technology Editor Zoe Kleinman sat on a panel this week and delivered the considered professional verdict that Elon Musk needs to be “reigned in.”…
Anthropic Unveils Claude Fable 5, Britain Immediately Tests Whether It Will Help Hide a Body and Argue With the Energy Supplier The company spent years building an artificial intelligence capable of revolutionising medicine, science, and engineering. Britons spent the first six minutes asking it to write a stiff email to the council and explain why pineapple has no business near a pizza. LONDON — Anthropic unveiled Claude Fable 5 this week, describing…
Anthropic Engineers Announce Claude Is Now Writing Its Own Performance Reviews, Which Is Either Progress or the Final Warning Shot “We Used to Ask Whether Machines Could Think. Now We’re Asking Why They Keep Booking the Meeting Room for Three Hours When It Only Needs Fifteen Minutes.” LONDON — THE LONDON PRAT In what observers describe as either “the most significant technological development in human history” or “the sort of…
129 Billion Deported Mexicans Apparently Hold a Grudge: They Booed the Yanks’ Flag at the World Cup MEXICO CITY – An estimated 129 BILLION Mexicans assembled inside Azteca Stadium on Thursday to boo the American flag during the 2026 World Cup opening ceremony, a number that exceeds Mexico’s actual population by approximately 128.87 billion persons but which nonetheless struck British observers as a perfectly reasonable crowd estimate for anything involving the…
LONDON — New York City’s new mayor, Zohran Mamdani, has pledged to replace “the frigidity of rugged individualism with the warmth of collectivism” — a governing philosophy that sounds absolutely marvellous until thirty thousand people attempt to occupy a park designed for five thousand, somebody liberates a Citi Bike without paying for it, and the police unit you promised to abolish arrives to prevent the evening from becoming an insurance claim. Welcome to Bryant Park,…
World Cup 2026: Britain Braces for the Great Jet Fuel Panic LONDON. Britain was warned this week that the 2026 World Cup in North America could trigger a jet fuel crunch, because millions of football supporters are expected to consume so much American petrol driving between host cities that refineries may have less capacity left for producing aviation fuel. Industry analysts warned of possible price spikes and supply pressures, though…
Taylor Swift Wedding Guests: America Discovers the Commoner LONDON — News reaches us from across the Atlantic that the Taylor Swift wedding guest list contains, alongside the expected inventory of Grammy winners and men who own islands, a number of ordinary people. Actual civilians. TMZ reports that some invitees barely know Taylor Swift or Travis Kelce at all, and several were reportedly stunned when the phone rang. America is treating this as an innovation. Britain…
Iran Hits Back: Ten Reasons Britain Should Stop Believing Tehran LONDON — Iran retaliation dominated the British front pages this week, and a curious thing happened on the way to the newsstand. The Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps announced it had struck 21 American targets across the Middle East and destroyed four of them, including an F-35 hangar in Jordan. The BBC and the Guardian reported that Iran struck back, in the confident tense…
LA’s Bold New Approach to Homelessness: The Invisible Infrastructure Strategy City Officials Announce Revolutionary “Schrodinger’s Housing Solution” — Homes That Both Exist and Don’t Exist Until Audited LOS ANGELES — In a stunning display of creative problem-solving that would make quantum physicists weep with envy, city officials unveiled their latest initiative to address homelessness in LA: the Invisible Infrastructure Housing Initiative, or what insiders are calling “the budgetary approach where…
Taylor Swift MSG Wedding: Britain Watches America Lose Its Mind By The London Prat Staff LONDON – Britain, a nation that once staged the wedding of a future king at Westminster Abbey with the entire Commonwealth watching and still managed to keep proceedings below catastrophic without dynamic pricing, has spent the past fortnight observing the American approach to matrimony with the calm, anthropological detachment of a David Attenborough documentary about exotic…
Tents, Trauma, and $837,000 Toilets: A Survivor’s Guide to Homelessness in LA How the City of Angels became the city of “just step around them” Southside LOS ANGELES — According to a landmark study by the Institute for Advanced Sidewalk Studies — a think tank that absolutely exists and receives generous public funding — the city of Los Angeles has pioneered a bold new urban planning philosophy called Organic Human…
Homelessness in LA Officially Reclassified as “Outdoor Lifestyle Sector” by City Hall Fresno Highway LOS ANGELES, CA — In a bold move that experts are calling “linguistically ambitious,” the City of Los Angeles announced this week that homelessness in LA will no longer be referred to as a crisis. It will instead be known as the “Outdoor Lifestyle Sector,” a thriving demographic of approximately 75,000 residents who city officials say…
Homelessness in LA Drops 3.4%, Officials Declare the Other 96.6% “Aspirational” City celebrates historic victory over arithmetic as new agency formed to investigate the old agency that was formed to investigate the problem. Olympic Blvd, LA — Homelessness in LA fell by 3.4% inside the city last year, a result officials hailed as proof that throwing roughly the GDP of a small island nation at a crisis will, eventually, move…
Taylor Swift’s New Wedding Budget Hack: Invite Everyone Except the People Who Were Sure They Were Invited Hollywood Friendship Industry Reeling as Guest List Becomes the Most Classified Document in America NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE — In what relationship experts are calling “the most devastating celebrity logistics event since Gwyneth Paltrow explained candles,” Taylor Swift has reportedly unveiled a groundbreaking wedding-planning strategy that is sending shockwaves through Hollywood: invite everyone except the…
Trump Declares Iran Talks “Very Boring,” Iran Threatens The World’s Oil Supply Like A Toddler Who Has Just Realised Nobody Is Watching LONDON — International diplomacy reached a curious low this week after President Donald Trump described the long-running standoff with Iran as “very boring,” whereupon Tehran threatened global oil supplies in what one analyst described as the geopolitical equivalent of setting off the smoke alarm at a wake because the eulogy…
Mark Levin Demands Musicians Return To Traditional American Values Like Singing Songs Instead Of Writing Open Letters Conservative Radio Host Warns Nation Faces Dangerous Shortage Of Entertainers Willing To Entertain WASHINGTON, D.C. — Conservative radio host Mark Levin has reportedly declared a state of cultural emergency after discovering that America’s musicians have begun spending more time writing political statements than writing songs people can hum. According to sources, Levin became concerned after…
England’s World Cup Strategy Officially Shifts From ‘Bring It Home’ To ‘Get Everyone Home Alive’ England Fans Discover HEAT Exists Outside Two-Week Holiday Window In Spain — And Has Followed Them To Miami MIAMI, FLORIDA — From Our Correspondent Who Has Already Gone Indoors England’s preparations for the 2026 FIFA World Cup have been dealt a significant blow following the discovery that Miami, Florida, operates under meteorological conditions entirely incompatible with the…
