Category: America

America Culture International

Houthis Target Saudi Capital

AMW

Houthis Target Saudi Capital, Google Maps Introduces Exciting New Route: ‘Avoid Ballistic Missiles’ Riyadh Residents Receive Ballistic Missile Air-Raid Alerts, Immediately Regret Ever Clicking ‘Allow Notifications’ Residents of Riyadh discovered this weekend that the worst possible consequence of clicking “Allow Notifications” is apparently not receiving seventeen promotional messages from a shawarma restaurant. It is discovering that your government has something considerably more urgent to discuss. Saudi authorities issued danger alerts…

America Culture Education International News

Ed Sheeran Boycott Survey

AMW

Ed Sheeran Boycott Survey Finds 12% Can Locate Gaza, 100% Can Locate the Outrage Button 92% of Ed Sheeran Boycotters Attended University, Researchers Still Searching for Evidence It Took LONDON — An entirely unscientific satirical survey of people threatening to boycott Ed Sheeran has produced the most alarming discovery in modern political geography: apparently the human thumb can locate the outrage button considerably faster than the human brain can locate the country being…

America Business Technology

Four-Hour Musk Documentary Discovers Hatred

Alan Nafzger

Four-Hour Musk Documentary Discovers Hatred Has Remarkable Battery Life Anti-Capitalist Audience Proves Human Attention Span Can Reach Four Hours Provided Somebody Rich Is Being Blamed Alex Gibney’s Musk, a nearly four-hour documentary examining Elon Musk, has provided social scientists with an unexpected breakthrough: human beings apparently do possess magnificent attention spans, provided the subject is somebody they already dislike. The documentary premiered on the festival circuit in 2026 and examines Musk’s businesses,…

Business America Current Absurdities Technology

Four-Hour Musk Documentary

Alan Nafzger

Four-Hour Musk Documentary Discovers Left-Wing Hatred Has Remarkable Battery Life Anti-Capitalist Audience Proves Human Attention Span Can Reach Four Hours Provided Somebody Rich Is Being Blamed Alex Gibney’s Musk, a nearly four-hour documentary examining Elon Musk, has provided social scientists with an unexpected breakthrough: human beings apparently do possess magnificent attention spans, provided the subject is somebody they already dislike. The documentary premiered on the festival circuit in 2026 and examines Musk’s…

America Business News Technology

Four-Hour Marxist Documentary

Alan Nafzger

Four-Hour Marxist Documentary Explains Why Man Who Builds Rockets Is Dangerous and People Hating Him for Four Hours Are Productive Film Festival Audience Cheers as the Musk Documentary Redistributes Billionaire Accomplishments to Everybody Before the Popcorn Is Redistributed to Nobody A nearly four hour documentary about Elon Musk has successfully demonstrated the central contradiction of modern capitalism. One man can build companies involved in rockets, electric cars, satellites, artificial intelligence…

America Education Entertainment Royals

Britain Fails Meghan Again

Margaret Colley

Britain Fails Meghan Again By Refusing To Provide The 40 Photographers She Promised Kate Discovers She Has Somehow Been Doing The School Run For Years Without Requiring NATO Air Cover Britain was plunged into an embarrassing national failure this week after apparently neglecting to supply Meghan Markle with the enormous school-gate paparazzi army she once suggested would make ordinary school drop-offs impossible. The controversy follows renewed attention to Meghan’s 2022…

America Social Technology

Put Tech CEOs in Prison

Tinsel Vandergraph

Bernie Sanders’ AI Bill Could Put Tech CEOs in Prison, Silicon Valley Immediately Deletes Every Joke About Marx New proposal promises to stop superintelligence before it becomes smart enough to ask why Washington has a $30-trillion-plus national debt and still lectures everybody else about planning Senator Bernie Sanders has unveiled perhaps the most Bernie Sanders piece of technology legislation imaginable: if Silicon Valley develops artificial intelligence that becomes too powerful,…

America International

America’s Burning Man

Mei Lin Chen

Burning Man Officially Becomes Burning Middle-Aged Man America’s Great Counterculture Experiment Discovers Its Participants Have 401(k)s Burning Man, the annual celebration in which Americans flee civilization so they can reconstruct civilization in Nevada with worse plumbing, appears to be undergoing the one transformation no amount of psychedelics can prevent: Everybody got older. The New York Post recently declared the festival a “wrinkled sausage fest”, perhaps the first demographic analysis to sound…

America International

Iran Fires Missiles at Two U.S. Warships

Fiona MacLeod

Iran Fires Missiles at Two U.S. Warships, Appears Genuinely Surprised When Three Oil Tankers Develop Immediate Maintenance Problems U.S. strikes Iranian shadow-fleet vessels as Revolutionary Guard learns “shadow” is an accounting term, not Klingon cloaking technology Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps received an unexpected lesson Saturday in the obscure military principle known as cause and effect, after launching ballistic missiles toward two U.S. Navy warships and subsequently discovering that three…

America Current Absurdities News Relationships Royals

Harry and Meghan Industrial Complex

Emily Cartwright

Harry and Meghan Return to Britain, Marriage Improves So Dramatically Tabloids Declare Relationship Crisis Cotswolds pumpkins, country pubs and aggressively romantic autumn weather reportedly leave Sussexes suspiciously content while British celebrity desks scramble to locate fresh “turmoil” Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s return to Britain has reportedly produced an unexpected development that has sent shockwaves through the nation’s royal-media industry: they may actually be enjoying themselves. The Duke and Duchess…

Royals America Culture Entertainment

Harry and Meghan Closer to Royal Lodge

Alan Nafzger

Harry and Meghan Edge Closer to Royal Lodge as Britain Runs Out of Buildings to Be Angry About Sussexes may trade a $650,000-a-year California carrying bill for a 30-room Windsor downsizing opportunity previously occupied by Andrew WINDSOR, ENGLAND — A report that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle may be one step closer to occupying Royal Lodge has given Britain the reassuring news that the national housing crisis now includes people choosing between two…

America Current Absurdities Entertainment

Hailey Bieber Goes Completely Naked

Alan Nafzger

Hailey Bieber Goes Completely Naked to Show Off Tan Lines, Fashion Industry Confirms Clothes Have Finally Been Eliminated From Fashion Model Removes Entire Outfit, Saves Magazine Editors Three Hours Identifying Designer The international fashion industry entered an exciting new era this week after Hailey Bieber posed nude for Ice Magazine, apparently confirming that after roughly 170,000 years of human experimentation with clothing, fashion has finally worked its way back to not…

America Political Social

Trump’s $5,000 Cheques Could Lead to Slippery Slope

Alan Nafzger

Democrats Warn Trump’s $5,000 Cheques Could Lead to Ghastly Slippery Slope Where Taxpayers Start Asking Where the Rest of Their Money Went Washington reportedly terrified that handing punters recognisable sums of money might expose a dangerous link between government revenue and the people who actually paid it Democrats and assorted Washington fiscal traditionalists have this week thrown a proper wobbly over President Donald Trump’s proposal to hand every American adult…

America Culture News Royals Tourism

Harry Declared Private Citizen

Alan Nafzger

Harry Declared Private Citizen, British Press Assigns 63 Reporters to Document His Privacy Duke schedules public charity appearances while newspapers investigate baffling possibility that private citizens occasionally leave home LONDON. Prince Harry has been formally characterised as a private citizen while announcing a series of public charitable engagements, causing Britain’s royal-media industry to experience the constitutional equivalent of dividing by zero. Harry is expected to attend Invictus-related events, launch an…

America International News

Special Relationship Suddenly Needs a Lawyer

Alan Nafzger

US Military Attaché Whisked Out of London After Child-Porn Allegations, Special Relationship Suddenly Needs a Lawyer Diplomatic Immunity Apparently Upgraded to Diplomatic Same-Day Shipping LONDON — The special relationship between Britain and the United States has survived world wars, presidents, prime ministers, trade disputes and several hundred occasions when Americans tried explaining ice to British bartenders. It may now require something stronger: two lawyers, three international agreements and somebody stationed…

America Business Entertainment News Royals

Harry and Meghan Discover 20 Exciting Financial Opportunities

Megan Amram

Harry and Meghan Return to Britain, Immediately Discover 20 Exciting Financial Opportunities the Palace Forgot to Monetise Sussexes reportedly explore fresh commercial possibilities as Britain realises the monarchy has been sitting on several billion pounds’ worth of unresolved family awkwardness There is at least a real-world springboard for this little excursion into financial lunacy. OK! Magazine reports speculation that Harry and Meghan’s return to Britain could open new financial opportunities,…

America Culture Governance Political

Trump Tells Burnham About “Irish Unity”

AMW

Trump Tells Burnham “Irish Unity” Wouldn’t Be Such an Issue If Labour Weren’t Such Socialist Arseholes Prime Minister insists Irish unity lacks majority support as constitutional experts suggest Westminster could preserve the Union by occasionally making membership enjoyable Prime Minister Andy Burnham has been informed that the question of Irish unity might consume considerably less government time if Labour could experiment with the previously untested political philosophy of not being such arseholes…

America Business Entertainment News Sports

Sydney Sweeney’s Novig Ad Scandal

Morag Sinclair

Sydney Sweeney’s Novig Ad Scandal: Outrage as Advertising How America’s Angriest Critics Became Novig’s Best Unpaid Marketing Team The internet has reportedly delivered a devastating blow to sports prediction company Novig by ensuring that millions of additional people who had never heard of Novig, had never visited Novig and previously thought “Novig” might be a Scandinavian kitchen appliance are now fully acquainted with the company, its celebrity spokesperson and approximately…

America Education News Royals

Harry’s Children Leave School After Two Days

Isabel Navarro

Harry’s Children Leave School After Two Days, Finally Achieving Royal Family’s Fastest Successful Exit Since Megxit Security experts discover Britain’s most dangerous constitutional obstacle: the morning school run Prince Harry’s children have reportedly changed schools after just two days following security concerns connected to transport logistics and traffic, proving once again that nothing tests the British establishment quite like attempting to move two children several miles before 9 a.m. Archie and Lilibet’s…

Culture America Entertainment Royals

Harry And Meghan Reject Private Citizen Label

Aishwarya Rao

Harry And Meghan Reject Private Citizen Label, Demand Upgrade To Public Figure Buckingham Palace Discovers That Being A Private Citizen Requires Its Own Government Department LONDON — Britain’s constitutional machinery groaned back into gear this week after Prince Harry and Meghan Markle reportedly objected to being described as private citizens, forcing royal officials to confront a question that has haunted the nation since Magna Carta: exactly how many civil servants does…

America Culture News Royals Social

William’s Camp Blames Harry and Meghan for Kate’s Cancer

Harper Thames

William’s Camp Blames Harry and Meghan for Kate’s Cancer Royal biographer confirms on record what “palace sources” had only been implying for weeks — the theory has now been extended to cover two cancer diagnoses, and Buckingham Palace’s unofficial oncology department is reportedly overwhelmed. WINDSOR, ENGLAND — For several weeks, the theory that Harry and Meghan were somehow adjacent to Kate’s cancer diagnosis existed only in the traditional British habit…

Culture America Family Royals

Charles Tells Harry He’s a Private Citizen

Alan Nafzger

Charles Tells Harry He’s a Private Citizen, Then Discovers Private Citizens Can Also Hang Up Buckingham Palace discovers a private citizen comes with an off switch, after a father-son reconciliation gets quietly converted into an administrative procedure LONDON — King Charles III has reportedly discovered an obscure constitutional loophole in his decision to classify Prince Harry as a private citizen: private citizens are apparently allowed to hang up the telephone. The…

America International News

Saudi Arabia Asks Trump for Help

Alan Nafzger

Saudi Arabia Asks Trump for Airstrikes, Gets a Limited Warranty Instead Riyadh phones Trump for military help and receives a lot of fine print Saudi Arabia and Trump have just had one of the more instructive phone calls in recent Gulf diplomacy — the kind where one side asks for airstrikes and the other side offers a very detailed apology. Somewhere between the crown prince’s second call to Trump and…

America Culture International News

Canada Seeks EU Associate Status

Lotte Heidenreich

Canada Seeks EU Associate Status After U.S. Trade Talks Collapse, Brussels Immediately Sends 4,000-Page Application Mark Carney Clarifies Canada Does Not Want to Join Europe, Merely Enjoy All the Convenient Parts While Remaining Several Thousand Miles Away Canada is exploring a dramatically closer relationship with the European Union after trade negotiations with the United States collapsed, according to the Wall Street Journal, a geopolitical development suggesting Ottawa has finally responded…

America Culture International News

Trump Visits Ireland

Morag Sinclair

Trump Visits Ireland, Solves 800 Years of History Before Lunch Trump Says Irish Are Friendly and Vicious, Nation Proud President Has Finally Understood the Pub President Donald Trump arrived in Ireland for a two-day visit and promptly wandered into one of Europe’s most delicate constitutional questions with the conversational confidence of a man deciding whether the clubhouse should serve soup. Asked about Irish reunification during a meeting with Taoiseach Micheál…

Business America International Social

Canadian Trade Strategy

Alan Nafzger

Canadian Trade Strategy Relies on Americans Forgetting They Have Farms, Factories and Liquor Stores Ottawa unveils daring economic doctrine under which the United States remains helpless until somebody remembers Wisconsin, Kentucky, Detroit, Texas and the existence of Costco Canada’s increasingly muscular trade strategy toward the United States appears to depend on one crucial assumption: at some point during the dispute, approximately 340 million Americans will collectively forget that their country…

America Culture Entertainment Lifestyle

Meghan Markle Misses Chance to Play Woman Who Causes National Crisis

Alan Nafzger

Meghan Markle Misses Chance to Play Woman Who Marries Into Wealthy British Family and Causes National Crisis Casting director reportedly discovers premise has already been running for several seasons, mostly on breakfast television Britain was confronting a severe entertainment crisis Sunday after commentators concluded Meghan Markle may have “missed a trick” by failing to turn her return to Britain into the one professional opportunity for which she possesses unusually specific…

America Business Culture Technology

Britain’s Endangered Genius Crisis

Bethan Morgan

Britain’s Endangered Genius Crisis: The 17 Innovators the Nation Might Lose to America Government dashboard warns several may become American before lunchtime Britain has discovered another alarming outbreak of genius after government computers identified 17 dangerously intelligent citizens who have developed useful technologies without first obtaining sufficient funding to prevent Americans buying them. The discovery comes as Britain remains sixth in the world for innovation, with extraordinary universities, research output…

America Culture Entertainment Royals

Wanting “Best of Both Worlds”

Harriet Collins

Britain Accuses Harry and Meghan of Wanting “Best of Both Worlds,” Millions Who Own Passports Immediately Turn Themselves In Royal outrage reaches dangerous new stage after Sussexes discover it is apparently possible to like California and Britain without choosing one in a televised duel The latest emergency comes courtesy of a Fox News report saying royal commentators believe Prince Harry and Meghan Markle want the “best of both worlds”: spending substantial time…

America Governance Political Social

Andy Burnham’s In-Tray Comes With a Trump Tab

Fiona MacLeod

Andy Burnham Discovers the Prime Minister’s In-Tray Comes With a Trump Tab Permanently Open Britain’s new leader wanted to talk about buses. The Indian Ocean had other plans. LONDON — Andy Burnham spent much of his first 42 days as prime minister talking about jobs, living costs, homelessness and shifting political power away from London. Then somebody apparently handed him the other folder. According to POLITICO, Britain’s new prime minister now…