Category: America

America International Reports

Chinese Spy Plot Foiled After America Discovers Espionage

Isla Campbell

Chinese Spy Plot Foiled After America Discovers Espionage Apparently Now Comes With iCloud Backup Alleged Beijing surveillance operation becomes Spy vs. Spy episode in which everybody has smartphones, cloud storage and apparently no adult supervision LOS ANGELES — American counterintelligence officials have allegedly disrupted a Chinese espionage operation after noticing that modern spying has evolved from invisible ink, hollow coins and poison-tipped umbrellas into snapping pictures in suburban Seattle and letting…

America Current Absurdities International Royals

Harry and Meghan Hold Hands at Falkland Arms Pub

Aishwarya Rao

Harry and Meghan Hold Hands at Falkland Arms Pub as British Press Declares National Intimacy Alert Sussexes Enjoy Quiet Lunch at Great Tew Pub, Accidentally Generate 47 Royal Exclusives Before Dessert GREAT TEW, OXFORDSHIRE | Britain narrowly survived another constitutional emergency Thursday when Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were photographed holding hands while going to lunch at the Falkland Arms, forcing newspapers across the kingdom to activate emergency supplies of psychologists, royal insiders, relationship experts and…

America Culture Governance International

Letitia James Books Cornell Trial for Christmas

Alan Nafzger

Letitia James Books Cornell Trial for Christmas Before Reading the Evidence, Citing Diary Pressure New York unveils a revolutionary pantomime prosecution model in which the evidence will be examined during convenient breaks between the office Secret Santa and closing arguments NEW YORK — New York Attorney General Letitia James has reportedly solved one of the most irritating problems in criminal justice this week by booking the Cornell case for trial on Christmas…

America Governance International

Mutually Assured Destruction

Alan Nafzger

Mutually Assured Destruction: Washington’s Perfect System How humanity built a peace treaty out of the one thing it swore never to use WASHINGTON — Nine countries currently possess the ability to end civilization by lunchtime, and every single one of them insists this is a stabilizing influence. That is the genius of mutually assured destruction, the only government program in history that has never once been audited, cut, reformed, or explained…

America Culture Political

Ella Langley Beats President Trump to the Front Page

Alan Nafzger

Ella Langley Beats President Trump to the Front Page, and Britain Isn’t Remotely Surprised While Washington Hosted Xi Jinping, America Cared Rather More About a Fence, a Failed Date and Six Devastating Words LONDON — There is a particular satisfaction in watching the world’s most powerful man lose a news cycle to a woman standing near a car park fence, and this week Britain got to enjoy it from a comfortable…

Entertainment America History

What is Wrong with Nolan’s Odyssey?

Alan Nafzger

Nolan’s Odyssey: Homer Gets Recast as an Extra in His Own Movie Sixty times the director explained Bronze Age Greece to itself LOS ANGELES — Christopher Nolan took a three-thousand-year-old poem about a guy trying to get home and turned it into a three-hour movie about Christopher Nolan trying to get home. Same journey. Fewer monsters. Way more staring. Ron Fitzgerald, a stand-up who works the late set at a Sunset…

International America Governance News

Mutually Assured Irony

Alan Nafzger

Mutually Assured Irony: Washington’s Perfect System How humanity built a peace treaty out of the one thing it swore never to use WASHINGTON — Nine countries currently possess the ability to end civilization by lunchtime, and every single one of them insists this is a stabilizing influence. That is the genius of mutually assured destruction, the only government program in history that has never once been audited, cut, reformed, or explained…

America Culture News Royals

Princess Diana Considered Becoming First Lady

Alan Nafzger

Princess Diana Considered Becoming First Lady, America Nearly Imports British Royalty After Spending 200 Years Bragging It Got Rid of It Diana Reportedly Tempted by White House Life, Mostly for the Opportunity to Make Buckingham Palace Watch Her Become More Popular in Another Country LONDON — The United States apparently came remarkably close to completing the longest return policy in history: overthrowing the British monarchy in 1776 and then, roughly two…

America Culture International News

Britain Releases RAF Fairford Terror Suspects on Bail

Alan Nafzger

Britain Releases RAF Fairford Terror Suspects on Bail, Asks Them Not to Do Anything Too Terroristy Before the Investigation Is Finished Armed police, bomb disposal teams and evacuated villagers discover Britain’s most powerful counterterrorism weapon: administrative conditions Britain experienced the complete modern counterterrorism cycle this week: suspicious vans, masked men, a frightened farmer, armed police, military bomb specialists, evacuated homes, terrorism arrests, government briefings and finally the ceremonial handing over of paperwork explaining…

America Culture International News

Inmate Taken to Hospital After Execution Attempt

Alan Nafzger

Death-Row Inmate Taken to Hospital After Execution Attempt, Tennessee Accidentally Introduces Capital Punishment With Aftercare Revolutionary New Execution Program Now Includes Emergency Medical Services NASHVILLE, Tennessee | Tennessee’s attempt to execute death-row inmate Christa Pike entered previously unexplored territory Wednesday when the evening reportedly concluded not at the morgue but at a hospital, establishing what healthcare economists are calling America’s first full-service execution-and-recovery package. Pike received two doses of pentobarbital during the attempted…

America International

Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf 

Alan Nafzger

Ghalibaf Discovers America Has Debt, Declares Iran’s 69% Inflation a Tactical Diversion Iranian Speaker Answers Warning About Tehran’s Economy by Auditing Somebody Else TEHRAN — Iranian Parliament Speaker Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf has produced the most ambitious economic rebuttal since a man holding a foreclosure notice told his bank that the national debt was also quite large. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent said in late September that Iran was approaching the end of its remaining oil shipments…

America Culture Governance International

Britain Finally Says Iran May Be Behind RAF Fairford Plot

Alan Nafzger

Britain Finally Says Iran May Be Behind RAF Fairford Plot After Exhausting Every Available Synonym for ‘We’re Looking Into It’ London Detects ‘Strong Indications’ of Iranian Involvement, Upgrades National Threat Vocabulary From ‘Possibly’ to ‘Quite Possibly’ LONDON — Britain has achieved a significant breakthrough in the investigation surrounding RAF Fairford: the government has apparently located a declarative sentence. Prime Minister Andy Burnham told the BBC there are “strong indications” that Iran played…

America Business Entertainment

Ari Emanuel’s Rage Memoir

Roper Penberthy

It Couldn’t Have Happened to a Nicer Guy: Ari Emanuel’s Rage Memoir Loses No. 1 to Princess Diana Book Hollywood’s legendary dealmaker discovers the one negotiation he cannot win is with people buying books There are moments when the universe displays such exquisite comic timing that you suspect God has finally hired a writers’ room. Ari Emanuel’s new memoir, Roll the Calls, debuted at No. 2 on the New York Times bestseller list, according…

America Culture Education Social

Chi Phi Fraternity and Cornell Greek Life

Alan Nafzger

Cornell Greek Life Declares War on Boring Pearl-Clutching Losers, Promises Immediate Return of Music, Beer and Unapproved Human Interaction Cornell Moral Panic Reaches DEFCON 2 as Campus Discovers Students Occasionally Socialize Without Faculty-Supervised Reflection Circle ITHACA, NEW YORK — Greek life at Cornell University reportedly declared cultural independence Wednesday after concluding that American higher education had finally developed more procedures for attending a party than the Federal Aviation Administration has for landing a…

Governance America Bad Taste International

Use Fentanyl for Lethal Injection

Alan Nafzger

Why Doesn’t America Just Use Fentanyl for Lethal Injection? Nebraska Already Tried It, and the Drugmaker Sent a Lawyer After Christa Pike Survives Two Doses of Pentobarbital, Armchair Policy Experts Ask the Obvious Question About the Opioid the Government Has Spent a Decade Telling Us Is Deadly NASHVILLE, Tennessee | Americans woke up Thursday to a question so grimly logical that it could only be asked after a government failure:…

America International

Christa Pike Survives Two Lethal Injections

Junglepussy

Christa Pike Survives Two Lethal Injections, State Insists Procedure Worked Exactly as Designed Except for the Dying Part Tennessee Discovers Successful Government Procedure Does Not Necessarily Require Successful Result NASHVILLE, Tennessee | Tennessee officials were confronted Wednesday evening with one of the most dangerous substances known to modern government: an outcome. Death-row inmate Christa Pike remained alive after receiving two doses of pentobarbital during an attempted execution at Riverbend Maximum Security Institution, eventually being…

America International News

Iran Warns RAF Fairford Is a Target…. AND…

Isabel Navarro

Iran Warns RAF Fairford Is a Target, Britain Arrests Five Men Before Tehran Can Find the Parking Lot Iranian regime discovers threatening a heavily guarded American bomber base works better in speeches than in Gloucestershire FAIRFORD, ENGLAND — The Iranian regime spent months warning that RAF Fairford could become a legitimate target, apparently forgetting that announcing your possible targets in advance is normally considered a courtesy provided by restaurants, weddings and…

America Governance International

Britain Hurt the Terrorists’ Feelings

Bethan Morgan

Britain Foils Possible Terror Plot, Immediately Launches Investigation Into Whether Britain Hurt the Terrorists’ Feelings Suspected Bomb Plot Near RAF Base Disrupted, Britain Responds With Traditional Counterterrorism Weapon: National Self-Doubt FAIRFORD, ENGLAND — Britain was confronted this weekend with that rarest of national emergencies: an incident sufficiently suspicious that even the British were briefly prepared to describe it as suspicious. Five British nationals were arrested after police received a report shortly after midnight…

Culture America Entertainment Social

Harry and Meghan Return Was a Huge Mistake

Roper Penberthy

Harry and Meghan Reportedly Fear UK Return Was a Huge Mistake, Palace Responds by Turning Thermostat Down Another Three Degrees Sussexes Discover Geography Cannot Cure a British Family Feud LONDON — Prince Harry and Meghan Markle reportedly fear that moving their family back to Britain may have been a “huge mistake,” after discovering that reducing the physical distance between yourself and estranged relatives does not automatically reduce the emotional distance, especially when the relatives…

Culture America Lifestyle Royals Social

Harry Must Admit William Was Right About Everything Since Nursery School

Junglepussy

Prince William Reportedly Offers Harry Path to Reconciliation: Admit William Was Right About Everything Since Approximately Nursery School Palace Peace Process Enters Its 847th Preliminary Stage LONDON — Britain awoke Sunday to promising news in the nation’s longest-running diplomatic dispute not involving France: Prince William and Prince Harry may theoretically possess a pathway toward reconciliation, provided everybody can first agree precisely who should apologise, for what, in what order, using…

America Business Technology

China’s Discount AI Goes Global

Harriet Collins

China’s Discount AI Goes Global, Washington Discovers the Rest of the World Has a Budget American AI Builds the Future; China Apparently Checks the Price Tag BEIJING — The latest warning that China may be gaining ground in global artificial intelligence adoption contains one particularly disturbing fact for Washington: customers appear to enjoy paying less money. Chinese artificial-intelligence models have dramatically increased their share of usage on major developer platforms during…

America International News

China Wants Nuclear Tensions Reduced

Alan Nafzger

China Wants Nuclear Tensions Reduced, Begins by Increasing Number of Things Everyone Can Be Tense About Beijing urges the world toward nuclear restraint while discovering that nothing says calm down quite like hundreds of warheads, new missile silos and a submarine capable of ruining everybody’s afternoon BEIJING — China would very much like everyone to stop worrying about nuclear weapons, preferably sometime after China has finished acquiring a few more of…

America International Political

Andy Burnham Survives First Trump Meeting

Astrid Holgersson

Andy Burnham Survives First Trump Meeting, Immediately Qualifies for British Airways Frequent-Flyer Miles and a Complimentary Blood-Pressure Check British diplomacy discovers that sometimes the special relationship is mostly about sitting very still while wondering what the other man might say next NEW YORK — British Prime Minister Andy Burnham emerged from his first face-to-face meeting with President Donald Trump on Tuesday apparently intact, upright and still technically in possession of…

America Culture Governance News Social

The Ideological War Between Capitalism and Socialism

Alan Nafzger

The Ideological War Between Capitalism and Socialism Has Apparently Been Settled by Whoever Understands Instagram Better Marx Wanted Workers to Control the Means of Production; His Followers Now Mainly Need the Password to the Means of Posting LONDON — After two centuries of philosophers, economists, revolutionaries, politicians and extremely angry graduate students debating whether capitalism or socialism offers the superior economic system, humanity has apparently discovered that the decisive variable was…

America Culture Entertainment International Social

Ed Sheeran Bends the Knee

Harriet Collins

Ed Sheeran Bends the Knee, Mob Complains He Didn’t Kneel Enthusiastically Enough The Mob Never Gives You Credit for Being a Nice Guy PHILADELPHIA — Ed Sheeran has discovered the oldest rule of dealing with an ideological mob: the first concession is never recorded as generosity. It is entered into evidence as proof that you can be persuaded to make another one. The latest installment arrived after Macklemore was removed from…

America Culture Current Absurdities Entertainment Social

Sydney Sweeney’s Nude Scenes

Yasmina Khan

Euphoria Cast Discuss Sydney Sweeney’s Nude Scenes, Britain Insists It Was Watching Purely For The Character Development Sky Atlantic Viewers Reveal They Have Always Taken A Deep, Scholarly Interest In Cassie Howard’s Emotional Wellbeing Britain has once again risen magnificently to the challenge of pretending to watch television for the plot. Following fresh comments from the cast and crew of Euphoria about Sydney Sweeney’s nude scenes, the nation’s Sky Atlantic subscribers have been forced,…

America International News

Trump Secures “Permanent” Greenland Security

Harper Thames

Trump Secures “Permanent” Greenland Security Deal While Real-Estate Department Mourns the Absence of a Closing Denmark keeps the island, Greenland keeps self-determination, America gets expanded security rights, and the world discovers that international diplomacy has apparently invented the geopolitical timeshare President Donald Trump announced that the United States, Denmark and Greenland have reached an agreement granting Washington permanent security rights on the island, capping months of will-he-won’t-he international drama with…

America Business Technology

OpenAI Cash Burn

Judi Online

OpenAI Cash Burn: How To Lose $280 Billion And Call It Vision OpenAI’s Cash Burn And Silicon Valley’s Favorite New Spending Sport OpenAI has reportedly pulled off another breakthrough in artificial intelligence. Forget language models and image generators for a second. The real achievement is teaching an entire industry to understand why losing an almost unimaginable amount of money can make investors lean in closer instead of walking out the…

America International Political

Donald Trump Shoots the Messenger

Bethan Morgan

Trump Bans the Press: The King Shoots the Messenger Again From a sofa in London we watch Washington rediscover the oldest trick in politics: sack the courier, keep the crisis WASHINGTON — For most of human history, rulers confronted bad news using a simple communications strategy. They killed the person who brought it. It was crude. It was violent. It was *terrible for staff retention*. Fortunately, civilisation has progressed. The modern…