UK Police Store Sensitive Data in Microsoft Cloud, Locked Filing Cabinet Demands Formal Apology | Britain’s secrets enter cloud computing because apparently nothing says security like putting the word “cloud” next to confidential evidence
Chiltern Railways Nationalised, Passengers Assured Delays Will Now Belong to Everybody | Public Ownership Means Cancellation Is No Longer Corporate Failure but Shared National Experience
Burberry ‘Humanises’ Famous Check, Ordinary Check Reportedly Seeking Therapy | London Fashion Week Announces Luxury Coat Now Understands Your Feelings
Xiaomi’s MiMo Declared Top Open-Weight AI, Answers First Real-World Question With ‘Have You Tried Turning China Off and Back On?’ MiMo scores 46 on the intelligence index, 112 on confidently inventing history, then meets its intellectual Waterloo in the word “strawberry” BEIJING — Xiaomi has unveiled MiMo-V2.6-Pro, a Chinese artificial-intelligence model that immediately shot to the top of Artificial Analysis’ open-weight rankings with an Intelligence Index score of 46, putting it ahead…
Camden Extends ULEZ Boundary to Include Residents’ Own Beds | Council clarifies sleeping remains free provided mattress meets Euro 6 standard
Prime Minister Burnham Announces Britain Is More Than London, Then Spends the Afternoon Explaining London to the North The new occupant of No. 10 has a mandate to rebalance the country. The country has noticed that the trains to the rebalancing still terminate at Euston. LONDON — Andy Burnham became Prime Minister on the proposition that Britain is more than London. This is true in the same way that a house…
London Mudlarking Tour Lets Visitors Experience Authentic Capital Tradition of Searching Riverbank for Something They Can Afford Thames Foreshore Becomes Britain’s Most Competitive Affordable Retail District LONDON — London tourists frustrated by luxury boutiques, expensive restaurants and property prices visible from orbit have discovered an increasingly attractive alternative shopping district: the mud beside the River Thames. Mudlarking, the ancient practice of searching the exposed foreshore for historical objects, has become one…
Burnham Asks Britain’s Biggest Companies How to Generate Growth; CEOs Suggest Revolutionary Policy of Leaving Them Alone Government convenes business leaders to discover why businesses become nervous whenever government convenes business leaders LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham’s government has turned to Britain’s business leaders for ideas on restoring economic growth, an initiative economists have described as revolutionary because ministers have apparently discovered that companies know something about companies. Major employers…
The Insanity Defense: Because Murder Apparently Comes With a Psychiatric Customer-Service Desk The Lindsay Clancy Trial Turns a Massachusetts Courtroom Into a Seminar on Whether Planning Counts as Not Knowing What You’re Doing The insanity defense has always occupied a special place in American law. It is the only legal doctrine where a defendant can allegedly plan an activity, wait for privacy, calculate timing, carry out several deliberate acts, conceal…
Andy Burnham Messages Fake Trump Official, Finally Establishes Diplomatic Relations at His Own Level Impostor Poses as Trump’s Chief of Staff, Burnham Responds Before Checking Whether America Has WhatsApp Downing Street confirms nothing important was disclosed, prompting an urgent inquiry into whether the prime minister possesses anything important to disclose The London Prat Political Desk LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham exchanged messages with an unknown individual impersonating Donald Trump’s…
Artificial Intelligence Disrupts Economy by Producing Infinite Supply of Things Nobody Wants Tech Industry Spends Trillions Teaching Computers to Create Merchandise Worth Almost Nothing LONDON — Artificial intelligence has achieved what economists once considered impossible: an unlimited supply of products accompanied by almost no demand. According to Futurism’s report on the collapsing value of AI-generated merchandise, AI creations now represent roughly one in six models uploaded to the 3D marketplace…
Cambridge Professor Accused of Copying Other Scholars Resigns From Cambridge, Promises Departure Statement Is Entirely His Own Work Cambridge Discovers Revolutionary New Academic Technique Called Actually Reading Things CAMBRIDGE, England — Professor Jason Arday has resigned from the University of Cambridge amid allegations concerning plagiarism, qualifications and academic claims, leaving Britain’s most famous university confronting the disturbing possibility that the ancient institution may eventually have to read the paperwork of people before hiring…
Londoners Discover Making Friends After 30 Requires Six Calendars, Three Pints and an Act of Parliament Therapists say adult friendship requires repeated contact, vulnerability and effort. Londoners say Tuesday the 19th might work, provided nobody lives south of the river. LONDON — A new discussion about why adults find it so difficult to make friends has raised alarm across London, where millions of people have spent decades perfecting a social…
Britain Bans Movie Poster for Being Horrifying, Allows London Underground to Continue Operating Advertising watchdog protects children from picture of mummy while leaving them exposed to fares, delays, escalators and contemporary Britain Britain Bans Horror Poster After Discovering It Contains Horror Regulators Promise Future Scary-Movie Campaigns Will Contain Nothing More Alarming Than Moderate Mortgage Rates LONDON, ENGLAND — Britain’s advertising regulator has banned outdoor posters for Lee Cronin’s The Mummy…
Angela Rayner Discovers The One Bill In Britain That Actually Gets Chased Up Properly WESTMINSTER — Britain is a country where the trains don’t run, the potholes don’t get filled, and the NHS waiting list functions largely on vibes. And yet, somehow, when it came to Angela Rayner underpaying stamp duty on a second home by £40,000, the machinery of the British state moved with the terrifying speed and precision…
The Globe: A Pub That Holds the Whole World | A Hackney pub carrying the globe itself – a name that spans the whole world, with a happy echo of Shakespeare’s famous theatre
Sebright Arms: A Pub Named for a Baronet and His Bantam | A Bethnal Green pub carrying the arms of the Sebright baronets – one of whom bred the famous ornamental bantam that bears the family name
Netil360: A Rooftop Bar With a Full-Circle View | A London Fields rooftop bar atop Netil House, whose name promises a full 360-degree panorama across the East London skyline
Pub On The Park: A Name as Honest as the View | A London Fields pub whose plainly descriptive name promises exactly what it delivers – a pub, on the park, with a pint and a view
Ridley Road Market Bar: Drinks on a Historic Market | A Dalston bar named for Ridley Road Market, the vibrant, multicultural street market that has been the beating heart of the neighbourhood for over a century
The Talbot: A Pub Named for a Vanished Hound | A Dalston pub carrying the name of the talbot, the noble white hunting hound that is now extinct but lives on in heraldry and pub signs
El Vermut: A Peckham Bar for the Vermouth Hour | A Peckham bar named for the Spanish ritual of vermut – the aromatic fortified wine and the sociable hour that surrounds it
The Nags Head, Peckham: One of Britain’s Great Pub Names | A classic corner local bearing one of the oldest and most common names in the trade – and a genuinely tangled bit of etymology behind it
Beaufort House Chelsea Review: Drinks on the Ghost of Thomas More’s Mansion | A King’s Road members’ bar borrowing the name of the great lost Chelsea mansion where Sir Thomas More wrote in his garden and left for the Tower
The Festival Inn Review: A Pub in a Permanent State of Celebration | A Docklands pub flying a name of pure celebration – the festival, that ancient human institution of feasting, music and shared public joy
The Big Easy Review: The Southern BBQ and Crabshack of Covent Garden | A vast, lively Southern-style American BBQ and crabshack on Maiden Lane in Covent Garden, set in an old power station, with pit-cooked BBQ, fresh lobster, live music and a warm welcome
The Upstairs at Rules Review: The Plush Historic Cocktail Bar Above London’s Oldest Restaurant | A plush, historic cocktail bar on Maiden Lane above Rules, London’s oldest restaurant (established 1798), a genuinely elegant spot for expertly-made cocktails and a warm welcome
The Cross Keys Review: The Welcoming Chiswick Pub With a Fine Old Name | A welcoming, characterful Chiswick pub bearing the classic old name of the cross keys, a proper local for good beer, good cheer and a warm welcome in the heart of Chiswick
The Greyhound Review: The Independent Family Gastropub of Kew Green | A charming, independent, family-run gastropub overlooking Kew Green near Kew Gardens, with a fine old hound name, premium seasonal food, a lovely beer garden and a warm family welcome
The Rose and Crown Review: The Traditional Mayfair Pub With a Classic Royal Name | A traditional, welcoming, hugely popular Mayfair pub bearing the classic royal name of the rose and crown, a proper local for good beer, good cheer and a genuine welcome
