Corporation Confident That Fault-Assignment Maintains Loyalty
London
A British corporation has announced a customer retention strategy: blaming customers for service problems, with management expressing confidence that fault-assignment somehow maintains customer loyalty and satisfaction.
“We’re keeping customers,” the CEO announced. “When they complain, we blame them. They’ll stick around because we’ve proven we’re right.”
The strategy involves: treating customer complaints as customer error, blaming customers for legitimate issues, continuing service problems unchanged, celebrating blame-assignment as retention strategy.
Customer retention requires addressing concerns and improving service; blaming customers for problems drives attrition, not loyalty. The company apparently believes blame maintains relationships.
“Customers are wrong,” one executive explained. “When they complain, we prove they’re mistaken. They appreciate our certainty.”
When asked whether blaming customers for problems maintains loyalty, the company responded: “Customers respect authority. Blaming them establishes our authority. Very effective retention.”
Customer churn increases substantially. The company celebrates: “Customers who leave were wrong anyway. We’ve eliminated difficult customers through blame strategy.”
Customer satisfaction and retention research documents that addressing concerns and taking responsibility for problems improves loyalty; blame drives attrition. The company has abandoned customer service science.
“We’re retention experts,” the corporation concluded. “Our customer-blame approach has reduced customer numbers. Success through attrition.”
Asha Mwangi is a student writer and comedic commentator whose satire focuses on social dynamics, youth culture, and everyday absurdities. Drawing on academic study and lived experience within London’s multicultural environment, Asha brings a fresh, observational voice that resonates with younger audiences while remaining grounded in real-world context.
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