Reform Proposes Cutting Civil Service Toward 300,000, Whitehall Forms Working Group to Examine Possible Reduction in Working Groups | Reform UK’s plan to cut Whitehall toward 300,000 staff is met with the one bureaucratic response nobody doubted: a working group
England Finds Someone Willing to Fight for It, Immediately Considers Jude Bellingham for Defence Secretary Bellingham’s Halftime Scuffle With Barco, Otamendi, De Paul and Messi Convinces Nation That Courage May Still Be Available Without a Government Consultation ATLANTA, Georgia, USA Bellingham’s One-Man Campaign Against the Entire Argentine Midfield Jude Bellingham’s confrontations lasted only a few seconds each, but that was apparently long enough for England to identify its newest national…
British Steel Nationalised After Government Discovers Gravity Also Works Better When It’s State-Owned Ministers Confirm: If It Falls Down, It’s Now Officially Ours In a move hailed by absolutely nobody as “necessary” and by everybody else as “Tuesday,” the government has formally nationalised British Steel, insisting that the laws of physics — much like the trains, the mail, and everyone’s collective will to live — function considerably better once the…
Home Office Assures Public Everything Is Under Control, Immediately Opens Three More Reviews Department Confirms Confidence, Launches Immediate Investigation Into Own Confidence The Home Office has issued a statement assuring the public that the current situation is “fully under control,” a phrase that, under long-standing Whitehall tradition, is legally required to be followed within the hour by the announcement of at least three new reviews, two working groups, and one…
The Smaller Dog May Bark: Trump Explains the Special Relationship Using Furniture Bohiney.com — World Desk President Trump has once again reduced 250 years of transatlantic diplomacy to something you’d hear at a dog park, informing new British Prime Minister Andy Burnham that “the smaller dog may bark, but the larger dog controls the sofa.” Foreign policy analysts immediately began arguing about whether this counts as a threat, a compliment,…
Prime Minister Promises Tough Words for Trump Following Full Impact Assessment of Tough Words Britain Will Issue Strong Statement Once Treasury Calculates Effect on Exports, Sterling and Canapé Supply LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has promised to use tough words against President Donald Trump whenever necessary, but only after Whitehall completes a comprehensive assessment of whether each adjective could affect trade, defence contracts or the availability of miniature sausage…
International Community Demands Israel Stop Entrenching Gaza, Schedules Discussion Behind Several Security Barriers of Its Own Diplomats condemn Israel’s enormous earthen boundary from a fortified conference centre protected by railings, turnstiles, two metal detectors and a commissionaire named Nigel LONDON — The international community, or at least the portion of it that could get a visa appointment in time, has demanded that Israel reconsider building a miles-long earthen barrier inside…
The Old Shades Review: The Traditional Whitehall Pub With a Fine Old Name | A superb, hugely popular traditional pub on Whitehall near Trafalgar Square, bearing a fine old drinking-house name, with good ales, good cheer and a warm welcome
The Silver Cross Review: The Historic Whitehall Tavern of Storied Legend | A superb, hugely popular historic tavern on Whitehall near Trafalgar Square, of storied legend and a licence reputed to 1674, with a Tudor ceiling, good ales and a warm welcome
The Horse and Guardsman Review: The Whitehall Pub of the Household Cavalry | A superb, hugely popular pub near Whitehall and Horse Guards, bearing a fine name of the Household Cavalry, with good ales, good food and a warm welcome
The Clarence Review: The Fine Whitehall Pub That Claims the PM’s Local | A superb, hugely popular traditional Young’s pub on Whitehall near Trafalgar Square, with a fair claim to being the Prime Minister’s local, real ales, fine fish and chips and a warm welcome
The Walker’s of Whitehall Review: The Characterful Cellar Bar of Whitehall | A superb, hugely popular characterful cellar bar on Craig’s Court off Whitehall near Trafalgar Square, with good drinks, a cosy setting and a warm welcome, a genuine gem
The Kioku Sake Bar Review: The Japanese Sake Bar Atop the Historic Old War Office | A superb, beloved Japanese sake bar and rooftop atop the historic Old War Office in Whitehall, with fine sake, superb views and a warm welcome, one to watch
HMRC Apologises for 15 Years of Overtaxing Grandma, Offers Her Enough Money for Half a Custard Cream By The London Prat, Consumer Affairs & Biscuit Correspondent His Majesty’s Revenue and Customs has issued a heartfelt apology to millions of pensioners after admitting it has been quietly overtaxing the state pension since 2010, a period of British history that includes three Prime Ministers, one referendum, and an entire pandemic. The average…
Britain Announces Pensioners Will Now Be Taxed for the Crime of Not Dying Fast Enough By The London Prat, Westminster Bureau of Mild Outrage In a stunning act of fiscal self-sabotage that could only be described as “quintessentially British,” the Treasury has confirmed that the state pension — a benefit specifically engineered to stop old people starving in the street — is about to be taxed as income. The reason?…
Government Insists Mansion House Pension Reforms Are “Totally Voluntary,” Also Passes Law Forcing Everyone to Do Them By The London Prat, Department of Contradictory Statements The Chancellor has once again reassured the nation that the Mansion House Accord — under which pension funds are politely invited to invest in UK assets — is a purely voluntary arrangement, entered into freely by consenting adults in expensive suits. She made this reassurance,…
MPs Demand Pension Funds “Buy British” While Their Own Fund Invests 98.5% Everywhere Else on Earth By The London Prat, Hypocrisy & Portfolio Management Desk Members of Parliament have spent the better part of two years lecturing the nation’s pension funds about the patriotic duty of investing in British business, all while their own £855.5 million pension fund holds a heroic 1.5% in UK equities. The remaining 98.5% is, presumably, out enjoying…
New Prime Minister Inherits “Unsustainable” Pension System, Immediately Promises to Sustain It Forever By The London Prat, Downing Street Correspondent (New Occupant, Same Sofa) Britain’s seventh Prime Minister in roughly a decade has wasted no time confirming his commitment to the state pension triple lock, a policy the Office for Budget Responsibility describes as fiscally “unsustainable” with the same weary regularity that a smoke alarm describes a kitchen fire. Undeterred,…
Andy Burnham Announces He Will Solve Britain’s Problems Just as Soon as Britain Stops Being So Complicated Labour’s new saviour reportedly begins by launching a nationwide campaign to decentralise confidence while centralising optimism LONDON. Andy Burnham has reportedly unveiled the first stage of his grand vision for Britain by explaining that the country’s biggest obstacle is reality itself. The former Manchester mayor insists Britain can be “rewired,” “rebalanced,” and “reimagined,”…
Iran Ceasefire: Sixty Days Of Studiously Achieving Nothing Whitehall Hails Historic Breakthrough In Agreeing To Disagree Later, At Length, By Committee LONDON — Diplomats celebrated a breakthrough this week after negotiators reached a preliminary agreement allowing everyone involved to declare victory while carefully avoiding the uncomfortable task of working out whether anything had actually been solved. A Breakthrough Nobody In The Foreign Office Can Quite Define Under the framework, Iran receives negotiations,…
Russian Warship Fires Warning Shots In English Channel, British Tourists Mistakenly Assume It’s Part Of Portsmouth Maritime Festival LONDON — Holidaymakers along the south coast greeted the sound of live ordnance this week with the calm enthusiasm normally reserved for a passing brass band, having concluded that the warship lobbing rounds across the water was simply this year’s headline act at a maritime festival nobody could quite remember booking. “Cracking pyrotechnics,”…
Keir Starmer Announces Yet Another “Reset” With Europe, Britain Begins Looking For Original Factory Settings LONDON — The Prime Minister this week unveiled his latest “reset” with Europe, the seventh in roughly eighteen months, prompting a weary nation to start hunting through its drawers for the little laminated card that explains how to restore the country to its original condition. Nobody can quite remember what that condition was. But everyone…
Britain Reaches New Era Of Governance In Which Political Stability Is Measured In Hours, As Bookmakers Take Bets On Whether Ministers Survive Until Lunch LONDON — The United Kingdom has quietly entered a novel phase of constitutional life, one in which the durability of a government minister is now most accurately expressed not in years, or months, but in the cautious increments normally reserved for a parking meter. Westminster observers confirm that…
Labour Ministers Now Vanishing Faster Than NHS Appointment Slots, As Prime Minister Insists All Is Well While Holding Increasingly Large Bucket LONDON — Government insiders confirmed Thursday that ministers are now departing the Starmer administration at a rate that has begun to alarm actuaries, as the Prime Minister maintained that everything remained firmly under control, a claim he delivered while bailing water from a vessel that observers noted was getting visibly…
Whitehall Defends Overseas Research Programme By Asking, “Would You Prefer The Germs Remain Unsupervised?” LONDON — British officials found themselves in the unusual position this week of commenting on revelations from the United States that dozens of overseas biolaboratories had received American support, prompting Whitehall to reassure the public that, whatever Britain may or may not be doing, it is undoubtedly being managed through a committee that meets on alternate Thursdays…
Britain Introduces 847 New Ethnicity Boxes After Citizens Continue Falling In Love With The Wrong Demographics Multiple Heritage Foundation Founded After Office Diversity Form Demands Three Grandparents, Two DNA Tests, And A Family Historian On Standby LONDON — Whitehall has unveiled 847 new ethnicity boxes for the nation’s official forms, a sweeping expansion announced after civil servants made the troubling discovery that British citizens have been falling in love with the wrong…
Old Shades Review: The Whitehall Pub Where Government Happens | Six thousand reviews, a 4.7 rating, and a clientele that cannot legally tell you what it does
London Gazette | Five Things the London Gazette Will Announce With Gravitas
Strait Talk: Britain and France Launch Bold Plan to Reopen the Strait of Hormuz Using Only Tone of Voice Downing Street and the Élysée convene 40 nations in a historic attempt to negotiate with geography — sources confirm no actual boats will be involved, but everyone in attendance will feel extremely heard. Whitehall Unveils New Doctrine: Aggressive Nodding In what insiders are calling a decisive pivot in British foreign policy,…
