Officials Say It Is Under Review
LONDON, England — Britain spent the weekend in a condition that government departments described, in separate statements, as “stable, pending review.” The review will be carried out by the people who carried out the last one, using the same room.
The question of whether the country has lost its mind has been put to ministers, civil servants, regulators and one very patient man at a bus stop in Reading. None of them said yes. Most of them said they would take it away and report back, which in practice is how most things in the United Kingdom now conclude. What follows is a look at the evidence, such as it is, one department at a time.
Treasury Finds £49 Billion Hole, Calls It Flexibility
The gap in the public finances stood at £49 billion by the end of the week, according to figures passed between opposition researchers over the course of several increasingly smug lunches. Government officials declined to use the word hole. They preferred “headroom in reverse,” a phrase that turned up in three separate briefings before anyone thought to ask what it meant.
The distinction matters in Westminster. A shortfall discovered by the opposition is a crisis. A shortfall discovered by HM Treasury is recorded internally as fiscal flexibility, and flexibility, one senior official explained, is something a government is supposed to have. The Office for Budget Responsibility, which publishes the forecasts everyone argues about afterward, was not available to say whether flexibility could be measured in billions. A spokesperson for the office said the question had been logged.
Government Apologises for Everything Except the Money
British officialdom said sorry more often this week than at any point in recent memory, for delays, errors, backlogs and, in one case, a stationery order. Every apology stopped about an inch short of liability. Several were issued by departments that then confirmed, in the next paragraph, that no compensation scheme was under consideration.
A guidance document seen by this publication, titled Expressions of Regret: Approved Wording, runs to eleven pages. Annex C reads in full: “Regret may be expressed where no financial liability attaches. Where financial liability may attach, please refer to Annex D (Expressions of Regret That Sound Warmer but Cost Nothing).” Annex E is listed on the contents page as covering apologies delivered in person. At the time of writing it is blank.
The National Audit Office, which examines how public money is spent, has not yet been asked how much of it goes on regret.
BBC Pursues Viewers Who Have Already Left
The BBC wants a relationship with people who have already ended it. Households that cancelled their television services continue to receive letters from TV Licensing, and recipients say the tone of the correspondence moves over the course of a few months from administrative to wounded. The third letter, one recipient in Leeds said, simply asked how she was.
A poll of 2,000 adults carried out for a consumer research panel found that 74 per cent of respondents who no longer own a television still feel that one is watching them. Eleven per cent said they had replied to a licensing letter in the same tone it was sent. Six per cent said they had started waving at the letterbox, just in case.
Army Prepares for Hypersonic Missiles With Posture Assessments
Defence planners confirmed that the next generation of warfare will feature hypersonic missiles, which travel at more than five times the speed of sound. The Ministry of Defence confirmed that the response will include posture assessments.
A staff officer at a desk-based unit, speaking on condition of anonymity because he had not yet completed the form that allows him to be quoted, said the new assessment takes eleven minutes and includes a section on chair height. “The missile will be here in minutes,” he said. “The form will be back with us by the end of the quarter. We think that’s about right.”
Housing Success Measured in Permission to Consider
The number of people holding permission to consider building something rose again, according to the Ministry of Housing, Communities and Local Government. Figures from the Office for National Statistics on actual completions were not included in the announcement, though a spokesperson said they were “in the building,” and declined to say which one.
“Every consideration is a foundation,” the spokesperson said. The department confirmed that no foundations were poured as part of the statement.
So, Has the UK Gone Mad?
Dr Philippa Ashworth, a senior fellow at a Westminster policy institute, said the question was understood but the framing was off. “Madness implies a system that has lost touch with reality,” she said. “This system is in constant touch with reality. It sends it a letter, notes the reply, and logs the reply as engagement.”
Dr Ashworth said she expected the matter to go to consultation. The consultation, she added, would be open to everyone who had been given permission to consider responding.
15 Observations Behind Today’s Headlines
- British apologies have become a financial product. The government is willing to say sorry for nearly anything, provided nobody interprets the apology as an admission that money might change hands.
- A £49 billion budget hole is only a hole when the opposition discovers it. When the Treasury discovers one, it becomes fiscal flexibility.
- The BBC wants a relationship with people who have already broken up with it. Cancelling television apparently means the television licence will begin pursuing you.
- Britain’s military is preparing for the next generation of warfare. The enemy has hypersonic missiles; our desk-based troops have posture assessments.
- Britain now measures housing success by how many people have permission to consider building something.
- “Lessons will be learned.” Sure. The same way I’m going to learn the gym. I’ve paid for it every month and I’ve never once been inside.
- A consultation is when the government asks what you think so it can say it asked. It’s like your wife saying “where do you want to eat?” after she’s already booked the table.
- You can hit the same pothole every morning for six years, but the council will have a letter about your bins on your doormat by Thursday. Priorities.
- “Delayed due to the late running of the previous service.” Which was delayed by the one before it. Somewhere out there is a train that has been late since before decent Wi-Fi, and it’s holding up the entire country.
- They call it a price cap. A cap goes on top of something. This one’s a trampoline.
- You can’t get a GP appointment, but you will get a text reminding you about the appointment you couldn’t get. That’s the most reliable service in the NHS.
- A man in Surrey needs three consultants and a bat survey to build a garden shed. The bat has more planning permission to live there than he does.
- We’ll queue for a bus that isn’t coming for forty minutes rather than ask the person next to us if it’s coming. That’s not patience. That’s a hostage situation with an umbrella.
- We apologise to furniture. Bump into a chair, say sorry. The chair did nothing. It’s the only thing in the room that never lets the government off a hook it didn’t hang.
- Has the UK gone mad? No. Mad is when you don’t know you’re doing it. We know. We’ve got a form for it. It’s in triplicate and it’s been delayed.
