Lockheed Martin Employees Reportedly Smiling So Hard Doctors Issue Facial Muscle Warning
LONDON (PRAT.UK DATELINE) — Occupational health physicians contracted by Lockheed Martin have issued an internal advisory warning employees against “sustained involuntary smiling” following confirmation that the company’s Q2 order book has reached levels that staff medical assessors describe as “physiologically incompatible with the neutral expression of a person who works in manufacturing.”
The Medical Advisory: Reproduced In Part
The advisory, leaked to Prat.uk by a source who works near the Bethesda campus and asked to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, reads in part: “Several employees have presented with zygomaticus major strain consistent with extended smiling in excess of forty-eight hours. We advise rotating the jaw, taking regular breaks from positive financial news, and — where possible — briefly contemplating something neutral such as a spreadsheet that is merely fine or a parking permit renewal.”
The Financial Context: Why Everyone Is Smiling
Lockheed Martin reported record revenues, record order intake, and a forward pipeline described in the earnings call as “robust,” a word that in defence contractor earnings calls means something considerably more emphatic than it does in ordinary conversation. Defence industry revenues have surged across NATO-aligned contractors as member states accelerate procurement commitments following a sustained period of geopolitical events that are very bad for most people and very good for a specific and financially comfortable few.
The F-35 programme alone — a fighter jet that costs approximately $80 million per unit, has been in development since 1996, and is still receiving software patches — generated sufficient revenue in Q1 to make the quarterly figures look, in the words of one analyst, “almost suspicious, if you didn’t understand the business.”
A Note On The Ethics Of Defence Sector Profitability
This publication acknowledges that defence companies provide equipment that NATO nations argue is essential for deterrence and collective security. It also acknowledges that the timing of peak profitability — coinciding with peak global insecurity — creates an aesthetic problem that is, at minimum, worth noting aloud, even if nobody in Bethesda is currently in a position to notice anything except their share price.
A Lockheed Martin spokesperson confirmed the company does not comment on internal medical communications. They were smiling when they said this, but that could be unrelated.
— Prat.uk Defence Industries, Watching The Numbers With Mixed Feelings
Lowri Griffiths brings a distinct voice to satirical journalism, combining cultural critique with dry humour. Influenced by London’s creative networks, her writing reflects both wit and discipline.
Her authority stems from experience, while trust is built through transparency and ethical satire.
