LONDON — Russell Brand has been sentenced to ten years and six months in prison after being convicted of rape and three sexual assaults, a grave case detailed in the sentencing remarks of Mr Justice Bennathan. It concerns crimes against four women, and a culture that gave a celebrity too much room to behave badly. British celebrity journalism, meanwhile, discovered a second emergency: a woman had not turned up to play records.
Kirsty Gallacher, Brand’s sister-in-law and sister of his wife Laura, was absent from her usual Gold Radio Drive programme. Fellow broadcaster Russ Morris filled in, according to HELLO!’s reporting. The reason for her absence has not been confirmed. This absence of information was, for sections of the celebrity press, the most exciting information available.
A radio programme continued broadcasting, which reportedly left the nation struggling to identify precisely where the crisis was. Listeners received their usual classic songs, none of which required a public inquiry to reach the chorus.
Kirsty Gallacher Misses Radio Show; Imaginary Tabloid Inquiry Begins
In the offices of Britain’s entirely theoretical Celebrity Attendance Bureau, investigators placed an empty swivel chair under observation. A magnifying glass confirmed it was vacant. A second expert confirmed the first expert had correctly identified a chair. The investigation was subsequently upgraded from “mystery” to “telling move”.
One imaginary tabloid editor explained that Gallacher’s failure to narrate her private circumstances represented a dangerous precedent. “If broadcasters can miss a shift without briefing us about their relatives, what’s next? A footballer buying milk without a drone?” he asked, while examining the chair for fingerprints.
The principal theory is that Gallacher might have been supporting her sister. It is only a possibility, not a confirmed explanation. A separate theory holds that adult human beings sometimes have appointments, concerns, and obligations not scheduled around the evening drive-time playlist.
The public has yet to decide whether such behaviour is constitutionally permissible. Westminster is thought unlikely to debate it, although that has never stopped Westminster debating anything else.
Some Family Emergencies Cannot Be Solved With a Commercial Break
Television’s favourite commercial break offers a simple bargain: an advertisement promises that anything can be fixed in thirty seconds, provided the viewer purchases a sofa, insurance, or a yoghurt containing persuasive bacteria. Families dealing with serious events have traditionally required slightly longer.
The coverage has uncovered the extraordinary discovery that a celebrity’s relative is not actually a public utility. Gallacher is neither on trial nor obliged to disclose her family’s most difficult hours to readers who have mistaken curiosity for a statutory right.
This does not diminish the seriousness of Brand’s convictions or the experiences of the women who testified. Those are the real news. A relative’s broadcasting rota is not a rival criminal proceeding, however breathlessly it is described.
Radio Presenter Missing for One Afternoon; Nation Somehow Survives
For the benefit of the nation’s imaginary task force, the timeline is straightforward: the scheduled presenter was absent; another presenter took over; music played. By the final record, the microphone had survived, the chair was still in position and no emergency legislation had been required.
A fictional newsroom poll of one exhausted listener found unanimous support for a radical policy: allowing someone a private life without demanding they submit an explanatory statement, two photographs and a comment from a neighbour’s dog.
Further updates will follow whenever a member of the press learns to mind their own business. Editors have pencilled this in for sometime after the next ice age.
Editorial note: The sentence and Gallacher’s reported radio absence are factual. The press task force, characters, poll and investigations are satire. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.
