Category: Royals

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Royal Household Denies Kate-Camilla Civil War

Alan Nafzger

Royal Household Denies Kate-Camilla Civil War, Confirms 14 Barristers Arrived at Windsor Purely for Afternoon Tea Royal feud reportedly turns legal as Britain discovers the Crown can survive invasion, abdication and civil war but may finally be defeated by two women sharing a calendar Before the satire, one useful reality check: reports about Catherine and Camilla have been contradictory, making it difficult to know how much of the alleged feud is genuine…

Royals Culture Social

Kate Lived With William Before Marriage

AMW

Kate Lived With William Before Marriage, Giving Her Valuable Time to Discover the Monarchy Is Also There at Breakfast Years of cohabitation reportedly let the future Princess of Wales learn that marrying one man somehow includes 1,200 rooms, six newspapers, and a full constitutional breakfast protocol Kate Middleton enjoyed one significant advantage before marrying Prince William that Meghan Markle reportedly never enjoyed to the same degree: enough time to discover…

Royals Culture Current Absurdities Social

King Charles Breaks Silence

Alan Nafzger

King Charles Breaks Silence by Having Another Man Write Letter Confirming Absolutely Nothing Has Changed British newspapers declare constitutional earthquake after Palace successfully locates paperwork from 2020 Britain was plunged into a constitutional crisis this week after King Charles III dramatically “broke his silence” on Prince Harry and Meghan Markle by apparently remaining completely silent while the Lord Chamberlain sent a letter. The extraordinary development was reported breathlessly by Page Six as…

America Culture Entertainment Royals

Wanting “Best of Both Worlds”

Harriet Collins

Britain Accuses Harry and Meghan of Wanting “Best of Both Worlds,” Millions Who Own Passports Immediately Turn Themselves In Royal outrage reaches dangerous new stage after Sussexes discover it is apparently possible to like California and Britain without choosing one in a televised duel The latest emergency comes courtesy of a Fox News report saying royal commentators believe Prince Harry and Meghan Markle want the “best of both worlds”: spending substantial time…

Culture Entertainment Royals Social

Prince Harry Plans Diana Movie

Vivienne Pratfall

Prince Harry Plans Diana Movie, Prince William Furious Brother Has Once Again Turned Family Therapy Into a Production Deal Harry Developing Film About Princess Diana as Royal Family Discovers Even Childhood Memories May Require Intellectual-Property Lawyers Britain’s most expensive unresolved family argument has reportedly entered the television-development stage. According to a Page Six report citing the Daily Mail, Prince Harry is considering producing a television film about his late mother, Princess Diana, and…

Current Absurdities International Relationships Royals Tourism

Britain Horrified to Discover Andrew Is Happy

Lotte Heidenreich

Britain Horrified to Discover Andrew Is Happy, Has a Girlfriend and May Be House-Hunting Somewhere Sunny Nation Demands Immediate Investigation Into How Man Stripped of Royal Titles Has Somehow Retained Access to Women, Aeroplanes and Lunch Britain awoke to a fresh constitutional emergency after reports suggested Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor may be committing an act many assumed had been permanently removed along with his royal titles: enjoying himself. The original NewsNation report, as…

Education Culture Current Absurdities Family Royals

Traditional British Schooling

Chelsea Bloom

Harry and Meghan Leave California for Traditional British Schooling, Accidentally Discover Britain Invented Expensive Elitism Centuries Before Montecito Sussex children reportedly enter $35,000-a-year prep-school world where swimming, theatre, gourmet dining and kayaking ensure nobody suffers the indignity of merely attending school Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have reportedly enrolled Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet in an exclusive British prep school costing roughly $35,000 per child per year, finally accomplishing the…

Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle Royals

Royals Discovers New Public-Relations Strategy

Mei Lin Chen

Royal Family Discovers New Public-Relations Strategy: Walk Onto Stage, Read Something Beautiful, Leave Before Anyone Asks About the Sussexes Queen Camilla’s surprise turn at Letters Live proves the monarchy’s most effective communications strategy in years is simply refusing to mention Montecito Buckingham Palace’s press office has spent decades hiring consultants, briefing lobby journalists and drafting statements containing the phrase “does not comment on private family matters.” None of it worked…

Culture Current Absurdities Royals Social

Sussexes Escape Royal Life

Chelsea Bloom

Sussexes Escape Taxpayer-Funded Royal Life, Upgrade to Billionaire-Funded Cotswolds Life Harry’s Billionaire Friend Helps Finance the British Homecoming as Ordinary Families Discover They Have Been Budgeting Incorrectly Prince Harry’s great experiment in financial independence has apparently reached its most mature stage yet: knowing somebody richer than his father. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have returned to Britain after six years in America, planning a private life outside London while remaining non-working…

Culture History News Royals Social

Henry VIII is Here Now!

Alan Nafzger

Henry is Back: Off With It by Alan Nafzger (Author)  Format: Paperback HENRY VIII IS BACK. HE HAS AN AGENT, SIXTY-ONE SEATS IN PARLIAMENT, AND A NETFLIX SPECIAL HE DID NOT NAME. Windsor, 2026. Henry VIII wakes face-down on his own grave, assumes it is the Resurrection, and is deeply annoyed to discover it is a Tuesday. Britain is mid-obsessed with a real escaped patient — a 400-lb fugitive who fled to France on…

Culture History Royals

Royal Lodge Hits Rental Market

Astrid Holgersson

Royal Lodge Hits Rental Market, Rightmove Adds New Filter: “Can Sustain Minor European Monarchy” Thirty-room Windsor mansion seeks tenant with excellent references, security clearance and enough disposable income to regard a £5 million repair estimate as a spot of decorating Britain’s property market has finally produced a rental opportunity for people who consider a six-bedroom house dangerously cramped, after Royal Lodge reportedly prepares to become available following the end of…

Royals America Culture Social

Prince Harry Reportedly Drafting Apology

Alan Nafzger

Prince Harry Reportedly Drafting Apology, William Demands It Be Notarized, Fact-Checked and Boiled First Buckingham Palace Orders Every Olive Branch X-Rayed for Microphones, Publishing Contracts and a Cameo from Oprah LONDON — Prince Harry is reportedly considering the single most radical maneuver of his royal career: apologizing. According to multiple reports, Harry and Meghan have discussed a public apology acknowledging the pain of recent years as part of a broader…

America Culture Royals

Meghan Accused of Betraying King Charles

Camden Rose

Meghan Accused of Betraying King Charles by Discussing Secret Meeting, Royal Family Shocked Private Conversation Survived Nearly Four Weeks King Charles Gives Meghan Another Chance at Family Privacy, California Dinner Party Immediately Receives Executive Summary Montecito, California The latest chapter in Britain’s longest-running family group chat began after Martha Stewart said Meghan Markle discussed her recent European trip and royal reunion at a California dinner party. Another attendee has since disputed Stewart’s…

Royals Culture Governance Social

Future King Refuses to Wear Kilt

Tinsel Vandergraph

Future King Refuses to Wear Kilt, Plans to Govern Scotland From the Safety of a Sensible Trouser Prince William reportedly believes constitutional monarchy requires continuity, stability and considerably less wind around the knees By Morag Sinclair | Royal Fashion Correspondent BALMORAL, SCOTLAND — Prince William may abandon the royal family’s 170-year tradition of wearing kilts in Scotland, according to a report examining the future king’s conspicuous loyalty to trousers. The development…

Culture Current Absurdities Family Lifestyle Royals

Royal Funeral for Andrew

Alan Nafzger

Royal Funeral for Andrew, Proving Cancel Culture Ends at the Cemetery Gates Andrew Stripped of Royal Titles but Apparently Keeps the Funeral Loyalty Points LONDON — Britain has apparently discovered the precise constitutional boundary of cancel culture: it stops approximately six feet underground. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, stripped of prominent royal roles and pushed firmly toward the ornamental shrubbery of public life, reportedly remains included in long-standing funeral planning arrangements capable of producing…

America Culture Family News Royals

Prince Harry Searching for Something He’ll Never Find

Harper Thames

Prince Harry Searching for Something He’ll Never Find, Palace Checks Lost-and-Found for Accountability Royal experts say the Duke may be looking for happiness, identity, reconciliation or the receipt for Spare Royal Correspondence Desk LONDON — A royal commentator claims Prince Harry is “searching for something he’s not going to find” and may therefore never be happy, according to a recent report. The observation follows six years in which the Duke of…

Culture Education Royals

King Charles Urges Prince George to Avoid His School Regrets

Tinsel Vandergraph

King Charles Urges Prince George to Avoid His School Regrets, Starting With Being Sent to a Scottish Naval Exercise Disguised as Education Charles reportedly wants his grandson to enjoy school, forcing the Royal Family to consider the revolutionary educational principle known as “not deliberately making childhood miserable.” LONDON—King Charles reportedly wants Prince George to avoid the educational regrets associated with his own school years, according to a report published by Yahoo…

Culture Environment Family Lifestyle Royals

King Charles Demands to Know Where Every Carrot Came From

Roper Penberthy

King Charles Demands to Know Where Every Carrot Came From, Says Nothing About Where the Crown Jewels Came From Monarch traces every parsnip to its ancestral soil while palace officials discourage similar inquiries into titles, fortunes and a certain absent prince LONDON — King Charles III wants to know exactly where every ingredient on his plate originated, according to his former head chef, Visen Anenden. The King favours seasonal produce…

Royals Culture Lifestyle News

Royal Family After Sussex Return News

Alan Nafzger

Royal Family Attends Balmoral Church After Sussex Return News, Vicar Adds Emergency Prayer for Group Chat Privacy Windsors gather at Crathie Kirk while palace phones enter airplane mode and the family WhatsApp becomes a protected archaeological site BALMORAL — The Royal Family has attended church near Balmoral days after news of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s expected return to Britain, prompting the vicar to add a special intercession. “Deliver…

International News Royals Tourism

African Parks Removes Prince Harry From Board

Yasmina Khan

African Parks Removes Prince Harry From Board in Organisation’s Most Successful Royal Relocation Duke’s decade of committed service ends after organisation decides endangered species already face enough threats without a Sussex documentary crew JOHANNESBURG — Prince Harry is leaving the board of African Parks after the conservation organisation announced a “governance refresh”, the elegant charitable phrase for changing the locks while thanking the former keyholder for his distinguished interest in doors. Thinking About It……

Culture Current Absurdities Royals Social

William Hates Harry

Chelsea Bloom

Prince William Sees No Way Back for Harry After Palace Runs Out of Shades of Forgiveness Future king reportedly keeps door bolted against his brother while unveiling a modern monarchy in which compassion remains strictly ceremonial William Declares Royal Forgiveness Constitutionally Impossible LONDON — Prince William reportedly sees “no way back” for Prince Harry even if his younger brother apologises, causing constitutional scholars to discover that royal forgiveness expires faster…

America Culture International News Royals

Americans Prefer Their British Royals Still Living in Britain

Yasmina Khan

Royal Foundation Raises £8.7 Million From Americans Who Apparently Prefer Their British Royals Still Living in Britain William and Kate win the transatlantic charity contest as Harry commissions a six-part documentary about how losing made him feel LONDON — The Royal Foundation of the Prince and Princess of Wales received nearly £8.7 million from its American fundraising arm in 2025, according to Yahoo Entertainment’s report on William and Kate’s transatlantic fundraising…

Royals Culture Family

Andrew and Fergie Finally Move Out, 30 Years After Divorce

Bethan Morgan

Couple Demonstrates That Divorce Is Not Necessarily the End of a Marriage, Particularly When Neither Party Wants to Give Up a 30-Room Mansion LONDON, ENGLAND | Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and Sarah Ferguson have finally set up separate homes three decades after their divorce, bringing an extraordinary chapter of British matrimonial history towards its natural conclusion. Divorced in 1996, Still Sharing Royal Lodge The couple divorced in 1996 but kept an unusually…

Culture Family Royals Tourism

Home Office Interrogates Newborn Royal

Tinsel Vandergraph

Home Office Interrogates Newborn Royal Over Suspected Loyalty to Portuguese Sunshine Leaked Transcript Reveals Infant Repeatedly Refused to Confirm Allegiance to Rain, Queuing or the Shipping Forecast Officials say baby noises were translated using a certified infant-linguistics contractor and a great deal of professional guesswork. LONDON — The Home Office has confirmed that Princess Eugenie’s newborn daughter underwent a standard citizenship-loyalty interview within 48 hours of her birth in Lisbon,…

Culture Current Absurdities Royals

Algarve Expats Form Royal Support Group

Siobhan O’Donnell

Algarve Expats Form Royal Support Group, Declare Newborn Princess “One of Us” British Retirees and Digital Nomads Across Portugal Claim Solidarity With Royal Baby, Citing Shared Struggles With Sunburn and NHS Withdrawal Group’s founding charter reportedly includes a clubhouse rule that no member may discuss British weather without first apologizing for bringing it up. LAGOS, PORTUGAL — Within hours of Princess Eugenie’s daughter being born in Lisbon, members of Portugal’s…

Current Absurdities Family International Royals Social

Eugenie’s Daughter Arrived Somewhere Pleasant

Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson, Ph.D.

Buckingham Palace Confirms Eugenie’s Daughter Is British Despite Arriving Somewhere Pleasant Princess Eugenie Gives Birth in Lisbon After Royal Baby Refuses to Enter Britain Without a Weather Guarantee New royal becomes fifteenth in line to the throne, first in line for sunshine and immediate subject of an official inquiry into unauthorised happiness abroad. LISBON, PORTUGAL — Buckingham Palace has confirmed that the newborn daughter of Princess Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank…

Entertainment America Culture Food Royals

Meghan’s Netflix Cookery Show

Asha Mwangi

Martha Stewart Torches Meghan’s Netflix Cookery Show, Fire Brigade Finds Only Scented Candles and a Slightly Singed Union Jack Tea Towel With Love, Meghan teaches ordinary Britons how to prepare a simple family breakfast using imported flowers, artisanal butter and a household budget roughly equal to the GDP of a mid-sized Commonwealth nation MONTECITO, CALIFORNIA — America’s own domestic goddess Martha Stewart has delivered the most devastating review yet of…

Culture Family News Royals Social

Kate Middleton Wears Britain’s Most Unroyal Dress

Alan Nafzger

Kate Middleton Wears Britain’s Most Unroyal Dress, Monarchy Survives Two Side Slits Palace Orders Immediate Review After Princess Appears at Dinner Wearing Colour, Mesh and Detectable Human Legs LONDON, ENGLAND Britain’s constitutional order was placed on heightened alert after photographs resurfaced of Catherine, Princess of Wales, wearing a floral Tory Burch mesh gown containing two side slits during a 2016 royal tour of Bhutan. The dress was worn to a private…

Family Royals Social

Harry and Meghan’s Secret Divorce

Alan Nafzger

Harry and Meghan Reportedly Planning Secret Divorce, Immediately Hire Netflix Crew to Keep It Confidential Confidential separation to be filmed before a live studio audience prohibited from discussing it until the trailer drops LONDON, ENGLAND — Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly considering a “secret divorce,” according to an unnamed source whose remarkable commitment to privacy required speaking to a celebrity magazine and ensuring the claim was distributed throughout…

Royals Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle

Royal Marriage Declared Dead

Caitlin Moran

Royal Marriage Declared Dead After Princess Fails to Submit Mandatory Anniversary Emoji Celebrity Media Converts Silence Into Testimony, Privacy Into Suspicion and Personal Distress Into a Quarterly Growth Strategy LONDON — Princess Beatrice has reportedly “finally sent a message” concerning rumours about her marriage, according to a StyleCaster headline syndicated via Yahoo asking whether her relationship with Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi is “hanging by a thread.” The evidence appears to consist largely of…