Category: Royals

Entertainment Royals

Sarah Ferguson Returning to Britain

Carys Evans

Sarah Ferguson Eyes “Most Incredible Comeback Yet,” Frank Sinatra’s Estate Demands Royalty Payments Former duchess reportedly considers returning to Britain, repairing relations with King Charles and telling “her side” after discovering public silence cannot be monetised LONDON, ENGLAND — Sarah Ferguson is reportedly considering what one royal commentator has called her “most incredible” comeback yet, potentially involving a return to Britain, an attempt to rebuild relations with King Charles and…

Culture Entertainment Royals Social

Sarah Ferguson Eyes Comeback

Alan Nafzger

Sarah Ferguson Eyes “Most Incredible Comeback Yet,” Frank Sinatra’s Estate Demands Royalty Payments Former duchess reportedly considers returning to Britain, reconciling with King Charles and telling “her side” after discovering public silence cannot be monetised LONDON, ENGLAND — Sarah Ferguson is reportedly considering a return to Britain, a reconciliation with King Charles, a new business venture and a documentary explaining her side of recent controversies, prompting Frank Sinatra’s estate to…

Culture America Royals

Meghan Markle Posts Beach Photos

Alan Nafzger

Meghan Markle Posts Beach Photos, American Morning Television Rediscovers the Monarchy It Fought a War to Escape Tabloid economists report the strongest quarter for royal content since the last wedding nobody in Ohio could quite explain watching NEW YORK — Meghan Markle posted a carousel of summer holiday photographs to Instagram last week, and American morning television responded the way it responds to all major world events: by clearing forty-five minutes and…

America Royals

Harry and Meghan Protect Prince Archie’s Privacy

Alan Nafzger

Fifteen Observations Harry and Meghan Protect Prince Archie’s Privacy Photos Posted: Prince Archie of Sussex Harry and Meghan protect Archie’s privacy by releasing only photographs selected, edited, captioned and distributed to several million strangers. The Sussex privacy policy is straightforward: nobody may photograph the children unless the photograph has first passed through the Department of Parental Art Direction. Royal reporters complain when Archie is absent from photographs, then complain that…

Culture News Royals Social

William and Kate Confirm They Share a Bed

Alan Nafzger

William and Kate Confirm They Share a Bed, Nation Relieved Monarchy Still Producing Basic Human Behaviour Future king reportedly sleeps beside his wife and beneath a cocker spaniel whose constitutional authority appears absolute Royal Couple Sleeps Together in Stunning Break From Centuries of Aristocratic Avoidance LONDON — Britain awoke reassured today after learning that Prince William and Catherine, Princess of Wales, apparently share a bed, confirming that the future king and queen…

Entertainment Culture Royals

Financial Independence Traditionally Involves Making Money

Alan Nafzger

MONTECITO, CALIFORNIA Meghan Reminds Prince Harry Financial Independence Traditionally Involves Making Money Duchess reportedly urges husband to stop treating paid employment as an embarrassing American custom A Yahoo Entertainment report about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry claims the Duchess of Sussex has become frustrated with her husband’s allegedly “snobbish” attitude toward Hollywood, believing he is allowing profitable opportunities to gallop past the mansion without even asking whether they offer dental insurance. The…

America News Royals

Prince William Offers Harry Reconciliation

Lowri Griffiths

Prince William Offers Harry Reconciliation, Provided He Signs the Magna Carta of Family Group Chats Public apology, legally binding silence and restrictions on imitation royal tours reportedly form the Prince of Wales’s exciting new “Brotherhood Premium” package William’s Three Conditions for Reconciliation LONDON | A report circulating on Yahoo claims Prince William has established three conditions for reconciliation with Prince Harry: a public apology from Harry and Meghan, a legally binding agreement…

Culture Current Absurdities News Royals Social

Royal Family Confirms Historic Feud Began When…

Astrid Holgersson

Royal Family Confirms Historic Feud Began When Meghan Borrowed Kate’s Lip Gloss Without First Consulting Parliament Britain’s constitutional order reportedly survived wars, abdications and Prince Andrew, but could not withstand one American woman putting royal lip gloss on her finger. What Started the Royal Family Fight? Investigators Trace Historic Breakdown to a Small Tube Found Inside Kate’s Handbag LONDON — After years of memoirs, interviews, documentaries, palace briefings and televised…

America Culture Royals Social

Prince Harry Reconciles With King Charles

Alan Nafzger

Prince Harry Reconciles With King Charles After Discovering Father Still Has a Functioning Chequebook Royal Healing Reportedly Accelerates After Lawyers Discover Compassion May Be Tax-Deductible By Emily Cartwright | LONDON Prince Harry’s long-awaited reconciliation with King Charles has entered an encouraging new phase after the Duke of Sussex reportedly remembered that his estranged father is not merely a parent, monarch and defender of the faith, but also a gentleman with…

Culture Current Absurdities Family Royals Social

Royal Family “Peace Summit” Requires More Security

Roper Penberthy

Royal Family “Peace Summit” Requires More Security Than Most Actual Peace Summits Senior royals gather privately at Windsor as police, helicopters and ceremonial hedges prepare for the terrifying possibility that somebody mentions Netflix Windsor Mobilises for the Most Dangerous Sentence in Britain: “Can We Talk?” A private family gathering among senior royals was reportedly assigned a security detail larger than several recent international diplomatic meetings, raising concerns that somebody might…

Royals America Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle

Harry Allowed to Meet King

Astrid Holgersson

Harry Allowed to Meet King After Agreeing Not to Turn Conversation Into Six-Part Documentary Palace officials confiscate one memoir manuscript, three lapel microphones and a producer disguised as a ceremonial footman LONDON — Prince Harry has reportedly been permitted to meet King Charles after passing an unusually thorough palace security inspection and signing a legally binding promise not to transform the private conversation into a six-part documentary, a twelve-episode podcast or a…

Royals Culture News Social

Royal PDA Declared Acceptable

Vivienne Pratfall

Royal PDA Declared Acceptable After Experts Confirm It Costs Taxpayers Absolutely Nothing Prince and Princess of Wales Discover Affection May Be Displayed Without a Subscription Deal, Six-Part Documentary or Accompanying Memoir The Prince and Princess of Wales have caused a minor constitutional disturbance after sharing a kiss and holding hands at the Royal Charity Polo Cup, prompting experts to confirm that public affection between married people remains legal, privately funded and,…

Culture Current Absurdities News Royals Social

Prince George’s Voice Breaks

Megan Amram

Prince George’s Voice Breaks Before the Monarchy Does: A Royal Family Report Buckingham Palace Lowers Flags to Half-Mast After Prince George’s Voice Officially Leaves Childhood Buckingham Palace, London — In a solemn ceremony that rivalled the Coronation for pomp and circumstance, the Royal Household today lowered all flags to half-mast after Prince George’s voice officially departed childhood, leaving the monarchy itself intact but audibly diminished. The eleven-year-old heir apparent-in-waiting was…

Current Absurdities Lifestyle Royals Tourism

Buckingham Palace’s “No Drama” Clause

Tinsel Vandergraph

Buckingham Palace Adds “No Drama” Clause to Guest Accommodation Agreement, Then Immediately Loses the Keys LONDON. Buckingham Palace has reportedly updated its guest policy to include a new provision requiring all overnight visitors to certify that they will not publish a memoir, record a documentary, leak private conversations, or describe the continental breakfast as “emotionally unavailable.” Royal officials insist the clause is entirely routine and in no way inspired by any specific…

Current Absurdities Royals Social Tourism

Royal Family

Vivienne Pratfall

Royal Family: Hoping the Next Reunion Outlasts the Confirmation Email London — Buckingham Palace officials remain optimistic that the next reunion between King Charles and Prince Harry will last longer than the average confirmation email from an online hotel booking service, after reports suggested that palace accommodation plans vanished almost as quickly as they appeared. A Very Modern Family Feud Royal insiders insist this is all perfectly normal. After all,…

Culture Royals Social Sports

Most British Conversation Ever Recorded at Wimbledon

Lotte Heidenreich

Reporters Accidentally Capture the Most British Conversation Ever Recorded at Wimbledon LONDON — Reporters from The London Prat found themselves seated both directly in front of and behind Pippa and Carole Middleton during Wimbledon, in what tennis historians are already calling the most significant seating arrangement since the invention of the deckchair. What follows is a full transcript, obtained through diligent eavesdropping, aggressive lip-reading, and the kind of enthusiastic assumption…

Culture Current Absurdities Royals

Moron’s Accuse Kate Middleton of Being an AI Hologram

Vivienne Pratfall

Kate Middleton Accused of Being an AI Hologram After Committing the Crime of Changing Her Trousers LONDON Discovers a New Conspiracy Theory: The Princess Has More Than One Pair of Trousers LONDON. Kate Middleton’s fans are rallying to her defense this week after a small but extremely confident corner of the MORONIC internet concluded that the Princess of Wales could not possibly have completed the National Three Peaks Challenge, because…

Culture Royals Tourism

Harry Learns that Buckingham Palace is Not an Airbnb 🏰

Mei Lin Chen

Buckingham Palace Quietly Reminds Prince Harry It Is a Palace, Not an Airbnb 🏰 “Buckingham Palace Is Not Available on Lastminute.com,” Royal Staff Explain While Pretending This Is Entirely About Scheduling LONDON. Buckingham Palace has reportedly unveiled a revolutionary new booking policy after Prince Harry’s accommodation plans became the most complicated reservation since someone tried to reserve Stonehenge for a gender reveal party. According to palace insiders and confirmed royal reporting, the…

Bad Taste Culture News Royals

Kate’s Bare Legs

Junglepussy

Kate’s Bare Legs Declared National Security Issue as Britain Briefly Forgets Every Other Problem Palace Sources Confirm Princess’s Knees Are Performing More Public Service Than Half of Parliament LONDON — Britain briefly suspended discussion of taxes, potholes, immigration, inflation and the price of tea after Catherine, Princess of Wales appeared in tailored white shorts, exposing what experts immediately identified as “two entirely constitutional legs.” The sight reportedly caused a nationwide outbreak of people…

Culture Current Absurdities Royals

Morag’s Insight on the News

Mei Lin Chen

Princess Kate has shown her bare legs, and Britain has responded with the solemn urgency normally reserved for war, recession, or a shortage of tea. In this satirical royal news bulletin from The London Prat, Morag Sinclair reports on the national commotion caused by the Princess of Wales appearing in shorts. Newspapers immediately shifted attention away from inflation, crime, housing, transport, and the economy so they could investigate the two…

Culture Entertainment Royals

Prince Harry Safer Surrounded by Netflix Cameras

Alan Nafzger

RAVEC Announces Prince Harry Safer Surrounded by Netflix Cameras Than British Police Royal Security Committee Unveils Revolutionary Strategy of Protecting Everyone Except the Person Asking for Protection LONDON — Britain’s Royal and VIP Executive Committee (RAVEC) proudly announced this week that Prince Harry is statistically much safer when accompanied by three documentary crews, two podcast producers, a drone operator, and a Netflix sound engineer than by an actual British police officer. Officials…

Culture Royals Social

King Charles Dreams of Family Reunion

Emily Cartwright

King Charles Dreams of Family Reunion Lasting Longer Than the News Cycle Palace Unveils New Five-Year Plan as Engineers Attempt to Build a Sentence Containing the Words “Harry,” “Meghan,” and “Lunch” Without Triggering a National Incident LONDON — Britain, a nation that once ran the largest empire the world has ever seen, now devotes the bulk of its strategic energy to getting four specific adults to sit at the same…

America Culture Royals

Netflix Running the Royal Family Since 1997

Oeko Angebot

Netflix Quietly Admits It Has Been Running the Royal Family This Whole Time Hollywood insiders are confirming what cynics have suspected since the first “tell-all” interview aired with suspiciously good lighting: Netflix isn’t documenting the Duke and Duchess of Sussex anymore. It’s directing them. And on their upcoming UK trip, the streaming giant has reportedly gone full auteur, producing a shooting script so detailed it could double as a hostage negotiation manual, if…

Culture Royals Tourism

Britain’s Highest Peaks

Paige Shiver

Princess Kate Conquers Britain’s Highest Peaks, Leaving Internet Critics Breathless From Typing LONDON — Within minutes of the princess reaching the final summit, thousands of online commentators began the far more demanding challenge of explaining why climbing three mountains wasn’t actually impressive. Experts estimate many critics burned nearly twelve calories furiously composing posts that began with, “Well, actually…” “It would’ve been harder without professional hiking equipment,” declared one commenter who…

Culture Royals

Princess Kate Burns Calories

Mei Lin Chen

Scientists Confirm Kate Burned More Calories in 24 Hours Than Parliament Does in a Decade LONDON — Scientists have reportedly confirmed that the Princess of Wales managed to burn more calories during the National Three Peaks Challenge than the entire British Parliament has collectively expended since the invention of televised committee meetings. The princess completed the gruelling climb of Britain’s three highest peaks within 24 hours as part of a…

Culture Governance Royals

King Charles III’s Tax Returns

Yasmina Khan

In a development so seismic that several senior accountants reportedly fainted directly into their Earl Grey, King Charles III has agreed to become the first modern British monarch to disclose his personal tax bill — proving, at last, that even residents of palaces occasionally receive brown envelopes from the government that do not contain invitations to anything pleasant. The revelation sent shockwaves through the nation, or at least through the nation’s accountancy…

Current Absurdities Royals

William Invents Radical New Concept

Vivienne Pratfall

● LONDON — PRAT.UK ROYAL CORRESPONDENT William Invents Radical New Concept Called “Seeing His Own Children” Palace Sources Confirm Future King Has Recklessly Decided Family Members Should Occasionally Occupy the Same Room Prince William has reportedly embraced an alarming new constitutional doctrine: a monarchy in which fathers spend time with their wives and children before attending seventeen ribbon cuttings and opening a commemorative plaque honouring commemorative plaques. Most shockingly, William has introduced what…

Business Royals

Duke of Sussex Believes Reconciliation Begins With Direct Deposit

AMW

Historians Note Medieval Princes Also Preferred Forgiveness With Monthly Payments LONDON — Royal historians, financial analysts and several men currently hiding from their ex-wives have united in admiration this week after reports emerged suggesting that Prince Harry’s latest understanding of family reconciliation begins with the same question millions of ordinary Britons ask every payday: “Has the money gone through yet?” According to unnamed palace observers — and people who communicate exclusively…