Category: Royals

Family Culture News Royals

William Considers Royal Title Shake-Up

Bethan Morgan

William Reportedly Considers Royal Title Shake-Up, Family Christmas Expected to Require Name Tags Harry Worries Archie and Lilibet Could Become Ordinary Citizens, Millions of Ordinary Citizens Send Thoughts and Prayers Britain’s continuing royal-title discussion entered its natural final stage this week: grown adults debating whether two children should someday be forced to endure the humiliating social condition currently suffered by almost everybody on Earth. Prince Harry is reportedly concerned about…

Culture Relationships Royals

Failing to Get Over Chelsy Davy

Caitlin Moran

British Tabloids Enter 21st Year of Failing to Get Over Chelsy Davy Chelsy Davy Moved On in 2011. Fleet Street Is Still Parked Outside With the Engine Running Friends of the British tabloid press have expressed growing concern that, more than two decades after first laying eyes on Chelsy Davy, the industry still hasn’t moved on. She has. Comprehensively. The 40-year-old qualified as a solicitor, retrained as a gemologist, founded…

Royals Culture Lifestyle

Diana’s Bodyguard Says Everyone May Be Telling the Truth

Cyndi Himmelstiere

Diana’s Bodyguard Says Everyone May Be Telling the Truth, Britain Immediately Runs Out of Truth Former protection officer Ken Wharfe introduces revolutionary concept that two people can remember the same royal conversation differently, forcing British tabloids to evacuate newsroom LONDON — Britain’s decades-long effort to determine precisely what every member of the Royal Family meant during every conversation involving Princess Diana entered dangerous new territory this week after former bodyguard…

Culture Education Royals Social

Harry and Meghan Eye William and Kate’s School

Alan Nafzger

Harry and Meghan Eye William and Kate’s School, King Charles Delighted Someone Finally Found a Reconciliation Plan With Mandatory Attendance The Royal School Run Is Now the Only Peace Process in Britain With a Register, a Car Park and a Strict No-Idling Policy Six years of memoirs, docuseries, sit-down interviews, tearful podcasts and one very expensive Californian sulk failed to reunite the House of Windsor. A school gate managed it…

America Education Entertainment Royals

Britain Fails Meghan Again

Margaret Colley

Britain Fails Meghan Again By Refusing To Provide The 40 Photographers She Promised Kate Discovers She Has Somehow Been Doing The School Run For Years Without Requiring NATO Air Cover Britain was plunged into an embarrassing national failure this week after apparently neglecting to supply Meghan Markle with the enormous school-gate paparazzi army she once suggested would make ordinary school drop-offs impossible. The controversy follows renewed attention to Meghan’s 2022…

Culture Lifestyle Royals Social

Kate’s Secret to Becoming Future Queen Revealed

Oeko Angebot

Kate’s Secret to Becoming Future Queen Revealed: Patience, Research and Disturbing Ability to Go Several Days Without Discussing Herself Future Queen shocks celebrity culture by quietly studying subjects, raising children and occasionally allowing entire news cycles to occur without announcing her personal truth The latest discussion of Catherine, Princess of Wales, and her long path toward becoming queen suggests something deeply unsettling has been happening inside the monarchy: planning. Rather…

Culture Family Lifestyle Royals Social

Fergie’s Tell-All TV Deal

Alan Nafzger

Fergie’s Tell-All TV Deal: Britain’s Last Secret Was Never Filmed Sarah Ferguson Weighs Editorial Control as the Nation Discovers It Has No Secrets Left, Only Episodes That Haven’t Dropped Yet Sarah Ferguson is reportedly considering television interview and documentary offers after returning to Britain, raising the disturbing possibility that somewhere inside the Royal Family there remains information that has not yet been converted into episodic content. According to HELLO! magazine, Ferguson…

America Current Absurdities News Relationships Royals

Harry and Meghan Industrial Complex

Emily Cartwright

Harry and Meghan Return to Britain, Marriage Improves So Dramatically Tabloids Declare Relationship Crisis Cotswolds pumpkins, country pubs and aggressively romantic autumn weather reportedly leave Sussexes suspiciously content while British celebrity desks scramble to locate fresh “turmoil” Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s return to Britain has reportedly produced an unexpected development that has sent shockwaves through the nation’s royal-media industry: they may actually be enjoying themselves. The Duke and Duchess…

Royals America Culture Entertainment

Harry and Meghan Closer to Royal Lodge

Alan Nafzger

Harry and Meghan Edge Closer to Royal Lodge as Britain Runs Out of Buildings to Be Angry About Sussexes may trade a $650,000-a-year California carrying bill for a 30-room Windsor downsizing opportunity previously occupied by Andrew WINDSOR, ENGLAND — A report that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle may be one step closer to occupying Royal Lodge has given Britain the reassuring news that the national housing crisis now includes people choosing between two…

Culture News Royals Social

King Charles Braces for New Diana Book

Alan Nafzger

King Charles Braces for New Diana Book, Discovers 1997 Still Hasn’t Finished With Him Palace fears an “unfiltered” Charles Spencer memoir after relying for three decades on carefully ironed history LONDON — King Charles is reportedly “bracing for the worst” ahead of Charles Spencer’s forthcoming memoir about Princess Diana, according to this report on the King’s reaction to the Spencer memoir, forcing Buckingham Palace to confront the monarchy’s greatest constitutional weakness: another…

America Culture News Royals Tourism

Harry Declared Private Citizen

Alan Nafzger

Harry Declared Private Citizen, British Press Assigns 63 Reporters to Document His Privacy Duke schedules public charity appearances while newspapers investigate baffling possibility that private citizens occasionally leave home LONDON. Prince Harry has been formally characterised as a private citizen while announcing a series of public charitable engagements, causing Britain’s royal-media industry to experience the constitutional equivalent of dividing by zero. Harry is expected to attend Invictus-related events, launch an…

Culture Entertainment Royals Social

Diana’s Revenge Dress Returns

Alan Nafzger

Diana’s Revenge Dress Returns: The Dress That Outlasted an Apology Sotheby’s Estimates the Revenge Dress at Up to $300,000, Though Britain Still Can’t Agree If It Was Fashion, Retaliation, or the Best Story Ever Buried Sotheby’s is preparing to auction Princess Diana’s revenge dress, the celebrated black Christina Stambolian gown worn to the Serpentine Gallery on 29 June 1994, the same evening a television documentary aired in which Prince Charles…

Culture Royals Social

Charles Tells Harry He’s a Private Citizen

Alan Nafzger

Charles Tells Harry He’s a Private Citizen in Public Letter, Then Wonders Why Private Phone Call Gets Awkward King Charles’ weekly call with Harry reportedly turns heated after Palace discovers email wasn’t passive-aggressive enough King Charles III has reportedly suffered the baffling discovery that publicly informing half the British establishment that your son is a “private citizen” can make the subsequent father-son telephone conversation slightly uncomfortable. The latest report says…

Culture Entertainment Lifestyle Royals Social

Harry Is Officially a ‘Private Citizen’

Judi Online

Harry Is Officially a ‘Private Citizen,’ Says Everyone But Harry Buckingham Palace’s New ‘Private Citizen’ Label Reached Whitehall Before It Reached Harry LONDON — Prince Harry has run into one of the great mysteries of British public administration. He is, apparently, a private citizen, and his private status is important enough that the King had to explain it to senior figures across the entire British establishment. Buckingham Palace recently reiterated that…

Culture Education Lifestyle News Royals

Eton College Says It Develops PMs and Leaders

Alan Nafzger

Eton College Says It Develops PMs and Leaders, Britain Checks Recent Political Results Before Renewing Subscription Prince George Starts $89,000-a-Year School, Immediately Assigned Homework on Understanding Ordinary People Prince George has begun his education at Eton College, where Britain has traditionally sent young men destined for leadership, power and eventually television interviews explaining that they completely understand families struggling with the weekly shop. The 13-year-old Prince arrived at Eton on September…

America Business Entertainment News Royals

Harry and Meghan Discover 20 Exciting Financial Opportunities

Megan Amram

Harry and Meghan Return to Britain, Immediately Discover 20 Exciting Financial Opportunities the Palace Forgot to Monetise Sussexes reportedly explore fresh commercial possibilities as Britain realises the monarchy has been sitting on several billion pounds’ worth of unresolved family awkwardness There is at least a real-world springboard for this little excursion into financial lunacy. OK! Magazine reports speculation that Harry and Meghan’s return to Britain could open new financial opportunities,…

Education Entertainment News Royals

Archie Lilibet School Change

Paige Shiver

Harry and Meghan Move Children After Two Days at School; Archie and Lilibet Smash Family Record for Leaving a British Institution Security concerns prompt rapid school switch as Sussex family discovers even childhood education requires a constitutional briefing LONDON — Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet have changed schools only two days after beginning at their first British school, after the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s security team raised concerns over the…

America Education News Royals

Harry’s Children Leave School After Two Days

Isabel Navarro

Harry’s Children Leave School After Two Days, Finally Achieving Royal Family’s Fastest Successful Exit Since Megxit Security experts discover Britain’s most dangerous constitutional obstacle: the morning school run Prince Harry’s children have reportedly changed schools after just two days following security concerns connected to transport logistics and traffic, proving once again that nothing tests the British establishment quite like attempting to move two children several miles before 9 a.m. Archie and Lilibet’s…

Culture America Entertainment Royals

Harry And Meghan Reject Private Citizen Label

Aishwarya Rao

Harry And Meghan Reject Private Citizen Label, Demand Upgrade To Public Figure Buckingham Palace Discovers That Being A Private Citizen Requires Its Own Government Department LONDON — Britain’s constitutional machinery groaned back into gear this week after Prince Harry and Meghan Markle reportedly objected to being described as private citizens, forcing royal officials to confront a question that has haunted the nation since Magna Carta: exactly how many civil servants does…

Culture Royals

Buckingham Palace’s New ‘Private Citizen’ Label

Cyndi Himmelstiere

Harry Is Officially a ‘Private Citizen,’ Says Everyone But Harry Buckingham Palace’s New ‘Private Citizen’ Label Reached Whitehall Before It Reached Harry LONDON — Prince Harry has run into one of the great mysteries of British public administration. He is, apparently, a private citizen, and his private status is important enough that the King had to explain it to senior figures across the entire British establishment. Buckingham Palace recently reiterated that…

America Culture News Royals Social

William’s Camp Blames Harry and Meghan for Kate’s Cancer

Harper Thames

William’s Camp Blames Harry and Meghan for Kate’s Cancer Royal biographer confirms on record what “palace sources” had only been implying for weeks — the theory has now been extended to cover two cancer diagnoses, and Buckingham Palace’s unofficial oncology department is reportedly overwhelmed. WINDSOR, ENGLAND — For several weeks, the theory that Harry and Meghan were somehow adjacent to Kate’s cancer diagnosis existed only in the traditional British habit…

Culture America Family Royals

Charles Tells Harry He’s a Private Citizen

Alan Nafzger

Charles Tells Harry He’s a Private Citizen, Then Discovers Private Citizens Can Also Hang Up Buckingham Palace discovers a private citizen comes with an off switch, after a father-son reconciliation gets quietly converted into an administrative procedure LONDON — King Charles III has reportedly discovered an obscure constitutional loophole in his decision to classify Prince Harry as a private citizen: private citizens are apparently allowed to hang up the telephone. The…

Culture Entertainment Lifestyle Royals Social

Harry and Megan: Non-Working Royal

Alan Nafzger

King Charles Invents the ‘You Quit’ Doctrine for Non-Working Royals Palace Says Prince Harry Remains a Non-Working Royal, Lawyers Asked to Confirm the Obvious LONDON — King Charles has reportedly reaffirmed that Prince Harry and Meghan remain non-working royals, prompting another national investigation into one of Britain’s most difficult philosophical questions. When a man stops doing a job, does he eventually stop having the job? Buckingham Palace’s answer appears to…

Culture Family Lifestyle Royals

Billionaire Helps Harry Move Home

Alan Nafzger

Billionaire Helps Harry Move Home, British Press Furious Financial Assistance Didn’t Come From Taxpayers Prince Harry billionaire backing lets the Sussexes privately finance a private life, leaving royal commentators dangerously short of public outrage LONDON — Britain wakes this week to the horrifying discovery that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle may have accepted financial assistance from a billionaire friend, an arrangement so alien to the monarchy that Buckingham Palace historians…

Culture Entertainment News Royals Social

Harry and Meghan ‘Happy to Be Back’

Isabel Navarro

Harry and Meghan ‘Happy to Be Back,’ British Newspapers Convene Emergency Meeting to Determine Why Harry wants Archie and Lilibet to understand their British heritage, beginning with rain, queues, school uniforms and the ancient national custom of having strangers explain your family to you Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly delighted to be back in Britain, where Prince Archie, 7, and Princess Lilibet, 5, have started the new school…

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Diana Inc.: New Book and New Netflix Film

Alan Nafzger

Diana Inc.: New Book, New Netflix Film, and a King Bracing for Impact Thirty years on, Princess Diana remains the family’s most reliable income stream, and nobody in Buckingham Palace can figure out how to unionise against it There is a very specific look that crosses a monarch’s face when he learns a member of his own former in-law network is publishing a memoir called Swan Song, and it is not…

Culture Education Royals

Prince George Begins Eton

Alan Nafzger

Prince George Begins Eton, Discovers Future King Still Has to Find His Own Locker Future Monarch Reportedly Survives Latin, School Forms, and the Shocking Discovery That “Because I’m Heir to the Throne” Is Not an Accepted Excuse for Missing Geography Prince George began life at Eton College this week and reportedly encountered an institution capable of accomplishing something centuries of Parliament, constitutional lawyers, and republican campaigners have failed to achieve: treating a…

Bad Taste Family Royals Social

British Press Reopens Prince Harry Paternity Case

Alan Nafzger

Moronic British Press Reopens Prince Harry Paternity Case After Discovering Calendar Has Never Been DNA-Tested King Charles sends a routine clarification on Harry’s royal status, and the internet responds by reopening a 42-year-old maternity investigation using photographs, red hair, and advanced cheekbone analysis Britain’s hereditary monarchy was plunged into its approximately 4,700th constitutional emergency of the week after King Charles III issued a letter clarifying Prince Harry’s status as a…

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Prince William Reportedly Fuming

Alan Nafzger

Prince William Reportedly Fuming as Harry Violates Ancient Royal Rule Against Helping People Without Permission Palace moves to protect Britain’s centuries-old royal monopoly on charity after discovering former working prince continues working Reports that Prince William is “fuming” because Prince Harry appears to be behaving too much like a working royal have exposed one of Britain’s least understood constitutional principles: once you leave official royal service, you may continue being…

Culture Entertainment News Royals Social

Princess Diana Has Not Yet Been Filmed From Every Possible Angle, YET

Oeko Angebot

Prince Harry Discovers Princess Diana Has Not Yet Been Filmed From Every Possible Angle Royal Documentary Industry Announces Historic Breakthrough After Camera Rotated Three Degrees to the Left Prince Harry’s reported plans for another project about Princess Diana have sent shockwaves through the British entertainment industry after producers announced they may have discovered a previously unexplored angle on one of the most documented human beings in modern history. The breakthrough…