Future King Finds ‘The Traitors’ Closest Thing to Stand-Up LONDON, October 24, 2026 – Prince William has entered a new phase of his development as Britain’s future monarch. He has discovered that a man can appear on a television chat show, mention a programme called The Traitors, enjoy a chuckle and leave royal watchers wondering whether another little message has gone across the Atlantic. According to USA TODAY’s October 23…
Palace Says It Does Not Comment on Planets WINDSOR, England — A Buckingham Palace spokesman declined to discuss reports that Scientology has taken an interest in the royal family, saying the Palace does not comment on private matters, or on planets. The second part of the statement followed a letter from Prince George asking who administers Jupiter. The reports trace to a StyleCaster piece of 28 October on Tom Cruise…
Alicia Liberty and the Royal Christmas Betrayal Columnist Tells Beatrice and Eugenie to Disown Mum by Dinner LONDON, England — Christmas has traditionally been a time for families to come together, forgive old grievances and remember that however embarrassing your relatives may be, at least you didn’t marry them for their money. But Daily Express commentator Alicia Liberty has proposed a remarkable new tradition. Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie should publicly…
Queen Elizabeth II’s Ghost Haunts Harry and Meghan Palace Furious Late Monarch Skipped William MONTECITO, CALIFORNIA, October 23, 2026 — Prince Harry and Meghan Markle got an unexpected royal visitor shortly after midnight, when the ghost of Queen Elizabeth II materialised in their country house bedroom with two translucent corgis in tow and a distinctly unimpressed expression. The disturbance reportedly began with a sudden drop in temperature, the appearance of…
Harry’s Christmas Plan Needs More Talks Than Brexit Returning to Britain Was Easier Than Returning to Dinner LONDON — Prince Harry’s reported hopes of spending Christmas with his father have run into a formidable British institution: the administrative machinery that grows up around a family disagreement. The latest reports, including this Yahoo Entertainment account of a “heartbroken” Harry, suggest the Duke of Sussex is deeply disappointed at the prospect of…
Policeman for the Right, DJ for the Left, Batman for Everyone Else LONDON, October 24, 2026 – Prince William’s October 23 appearance on The Graham Norton Show produced a remarkable collection of publicity-friendly revelations. According to InStyle, the future king once considered becoming a policeman or a DJ. He also discussed Christopher Nolan films, The Celebrity Traitors, his children and the Earthshot Prize. Each answer came packaged for its own…
Gossip Industry Turns Memorial Into Inheritance Debate LONDON, England — Sarah Ferguson attended a memorial service for former boyfriend Paddy McNally on Thursday, a solemn occasion that gave Britain’s royal commentators an unexpected chance to discuss money, scandal and whether anybody had seen a copy of the will. McNally, a motorsport entrepreneur who died aged 88 in July, stayed close to Ferguson long after their romance ended in the 1980s.…
Duchess speaks, police investigate, newspapers convict LONDON, October 24, 2026 – Meghan Markle has called for justice and the protection of innocent children following allegations against her estranged father, Thomas Markle Sr., prompting renewed interest in an old legal principle under which investigators establish what happened before everyone else announces what it means. In a statement sent to CBS News, the Duchess of Sussex said she was “deeply distressed” and…
Treasury officials struggle to determine whether royal security protects Prince Harry from the public, the public from Prince Harry, or newspaper photographers from unemployment. LONDON, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026 | British taxpayers have demanded clarification of the country’s royal security arrangements after Prince Harry continued pursuing official protection while demonstrating an impressive willingness to approach members of the public in Nottingham. The Duke of Sussex greeted well-wishers, shook hands and…
Feeding Hungry Families Apparently Requires Palace Approval NOTTINGHAM – Meghan Markle has reportedly caused fresh anxiety within royal circles after visiting a community kitchen, speaking to volunteers and demonstrating the deeply controversial belief that people experiencing food poverty might benefit from receiving food. The Duchess of Sussex accompanied Prince Harry on October 15 during a series of charity engagements in Nottingham, including a visit to Himmah Hub, where she reunited…
War Currently Consists of Three Anonymous Sources LONDON – Britain’s royal commentary industry has warned that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s recent charity visit to Nottingham could provoke an all-out war within the House of Windsor, despite the conflict currently possessing no armies, weapons, territorial objectives or confirmed declaration of hostilities. The October 21 report warning of an all-out royal war relied on claims from unnamed sources concerning tensions between…
Palace Warns Popularity Without Permission Threatens Monarchy NOTTINGHAM – Prince Harry has been accused of threatening the British monarchy after conducting a series of public engagements in which he smiled, shook hands and demonstrated the alarming ability to recognise ordinary human beings without assistance from a palace official carrying a clipboard. The constitutional emergency followed Harry and Meghan’s October 15 visit to Nottingham, where the couple were greeted by supporters…
Heir Alarmed Brother Can Help People Without Supervision LONDON – Prince William has reportedly urged King Charles to consider stripping Prince Harry and Meghan Markle of their royal titles after the couple visited Nottingham, met disadvantaged families and demonstrated the dangerous proposition that people can do something useful without obtaining advance permission from the heir to the throne. The allegations emerged in an October 21 report concerning royal tensions following…
Palace Asks If Eating With Your Son Is Constitutional LONDON – King Charles III is reportedly concerned that tensions surrounding Prince Harry and Meghan Markle could escalate into an all-out royal war, prompting the monarch to consider a diplomatic initiative so radical that Buckingham Palace officials have asked whether it is constitutional. The King apparently wants to speak to his younger son. According to an October 21 report, Prince William…
Fleet Street Declares Emergency After Harry and Meghan Smile Without Editorial Permission LONDON – Britain’s royal tabloid industry has uncovered what it believes may be the most dangerous conspiracy against the monarchy since Guy Fawkes, after discovering that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have been attending charitable events, greeting members of the public and apparently enjoying themselves. The supposed secret revenge strategy, described by Yahoo Entertainment, has prompted urgent discussions…
Monarch Learns Reconciliation May Need Fewer Advisers, More Family LONDON – King Charles III faces a delicate constitutional challenge after reports suggested that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle may be pursuing a secret revenge campaign against the royal family, raising the alarming possibility that the King could respond by inviting his younger son to dinner. The allegations, detailed by Yahoo Entertainment, have given British royal commentators a fresh opportunity to…
Palace Weighs Rule Requiring Second Sons to File Feelings in Triplicate LONDON – Prince William has been placed at the centre of Britain’s latest royal controversy following allegations that his younger brother Harry and sister-in-law Meghan are conducting an unofficial revenge campaign against the monarchy. The allegations, described by Yahoo Entertainment, have prompted constitutional observers to consider whether the heir to the throne holds any legal authority over his younger…
Palace Fears Duchess Can Do Charity Without a Man in a Sash LONDON – Meghan Markle has reportedly developed a secret strategy to challenge the British monarchy by conducting charitable engagements, speaking to ordinary people and apparently operating under the radical American assumption that an adult woman can manage her own diary. The allegations surrounding Harry and Meghan’s supposed revenge campaign, detailed by Yahoo Entertainment, have alarmed royal commentators who…
Palace Fears His Deadliest Weapon Is Wanting to Talk to Dad LONDON – Prince Harry has reportedly launched a secret revenge campaign against the British royal family, according to royal commentators who believe that visiting charities, smiling at members of the public and trying to reconcile with his father add up to an unprecedented threat to the monarchy. The latest allegations, reported by Yahoo Entertainment, follow the Duke and Duchess…
Hollywood Finds the Perfect Celebrity: One Who Doesn’t Show Up LONDON, October 19, 2026 | Meghan Markle has reportedly achieved the ultimate Hollywood career milestone by becoming the most talked-about actress in a television series in which she has never appeared. According to People’s reporting on Meghan’s collapsed talks with Netflix’s The Gentlemen, sources close to the Duchess believe her name was used to promote the show. Negotiations never resulted…
Royal Press Short of Unnamed Sources LONDON | Britain’s royal press is facing an unprecedented staffing crisis after Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s anonymous friends reportedly supplied so many briefings about the couple that newspapers began running dangerously low on people willing to be described as close sources. The emergency follows The Times’ examination of anonymous Sussex briefings, which discussed claims about the couple’s public engagements, royal status and Meghan’s…
Queen Camilla’s 15 Favourite Books Revealed Palace Library Holds Only Mistresses and Homewreckers LONDON, 19 October 2026 — Queen Camilla’s literary tastes have come under fresh scrutiny after royal observers assembled a collection of 15 novels featuring mistresses, marriage wreckers, social climbers and women who treat other people’s wedding vows as preliminary paperwork. The unofficial collection, provisionally titled From Mistress to Majesty: A Practical Guide to Getting Ahead Without Waiting…
Publishers Love Subjects Who Cannot Sue LONDON, ENGLAND – Britain’s publishing industry has discovered an extraordinary commercial advantage in producing embarrassing biographies about people who are no longer available to dispute the contents. The revelation follows speculation that Sarah Ferguson might eventually write a book about the Royal Family after King Charles’s death, although Ferguson’s representatives maintain that no such memoir is being planned. Literary executives have reportedly welcomed the…
Palace Doctors Told to Keep Monarch Alive as Publishers Fret LONDON, ENGLAND – King Charles III has reportedly become an unexpected obstacle to the British publishing industry’s financial recovery after royal gossip suggested Sarah Ferguson might someday release her most valuable family secrets following the monarch’s death. The speculation follows reports alleging Ferguson could delay a royal tell-all until after Charles’s death. Ferguson’s representative has explicitly denied that she is…
Outliving the Royals Pays Better Than Marrying Into Them LONDON, ENGLAND – Sarah Ferguson has reportedly discovered a revolutionary form of long-term financial planning that requires no investments, employment, qualifications or particular understanding of compound interest. All that is necessary is membership in the British Royal Family, an excellent memory and sufficient patience to survive several major family anniversaries. Reports have suggested that Ferguson could eventually reconsider publishing a royal…
Crown Comes With Castles, Swords and Publishing Contracts LONDON, ENGLAND – Prince William has reportedly discovered a previously overlooked disadvantage of becoming King of England: the crown is hereditary, but so are the family arguments. Speculation that Sarah Ferguson might someday publish a royal memoir after King Charles’s death has prompted an extraordinary theoretical review of the administrative burdens awaiting the next monarch. Ferguson has denied that she is writing…
Duke of Sussex demonstrates revolutionary new security strategy: identify potential danger, approach it enthusiastically, embrace it, and request a selfie. NOTTINGHAM, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026 | Prince Harry has astonished British security experts by unveiling an innovative approach to personal protection in which individuals concerned about their safety deliberately walk towards large gatherings of unidentified strangers, shake their hands, embrace them, and remain available for photographs until everyone has a…
British newspapers launch coordinated campaign against Sussex publicity, publish 600 photographs of offending publicity, and promise another 600 tomorrow. LONDON, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026 | Britain’s newspaper industry has launched an unprecedented campaign against the excessive publicity surrounding Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, dispatching photographers, reporters, camera crews and celebrity commentators to Nottingham to document precisely how much attention the couple are receiving. The media mobilisation followed the Sussexes’ appearance…
Duchess establishes new definition of privacy that permits public appearances, professional photographs, enthusiastic crowds and the occasional ceremonial bouquet. NOTTINGHAM, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026 | Meghan Markle has returned to Britain and introduced a significant philosophical development in the understanding of privacy, demonstrating that a person can remain a private citizen while being photographed by nearly every national newspaper simultaneously. The Duchess of Sussex accompanied Prince Harry to Nottingham on…
Royal Household launches emergency investigation after discovering that charitable visits, handshakes and smiling at pensioners can apparently be undertaken without permission from the monarch. LONDON, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026 | Buckingham Palace has been plunged into administrative confusion after Prince Harry and Meghan Markle conducted a series of public engagements in Nottingham that closely resembled royal duties, despite both having resigned from the royal employment arrangements under which such duties…
