Category: Lifestyle

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Prince William Refuses to Wear Kilt

Alan Nafzger

Prince William Refuses to Wear Kilt, Scotland Given 24 Hours to Determine Whether Monarchy Still Operational Nation Confronts Terrifying Possibility That Future King May Have Knees Nobody Sees EDINBURGH: Scotland was reportedly given 24 hours Wednesday to determine whether the British monarchy remains constitutionally operational after Prince William committed the gravest act available to a modern heir who isn’t actually doing anything wrong: he declined to wear a kilt. Britain has survived invasions, abdications, civil…

Bad Taste Culture Entertainment Lifestyle Social

Weird Girl Literature

Alan Nafzger

British Publishing Embraces ‘Weird Girl’ Novels About Aimless Women With Bad Jobs, Immediately Shortlists Entire Population of London London’s latest literary movement combines alienation, unaffordable rent, bad employment and staring silently at household objects, meaning publishers may never again need to commission an original plot LONDON | Britain’s publishing industry has enthusiastically embraced the growing phenomenon of “weird girl literature,” only to discover that the defining characteristics of the genre describe…

Culture Education Governance Lifestyle Social

French Socialism Finally Delivers Equality

Oeko Angebot

Macron Promises Students “Dialogue,” Immediately Fires Tear Gas to Open the Conversation French Socialism Finally Delivers Equality: Every Lycée Now Equally Broke, Equally Flammable PARIS — France’s classrooms have been burning, blockaded and besieged for more than a week, and the nation’s ruling class has responded with the same swift, decisive action it applies to every crisis: a meeting. Several meetings. Possibly a meeting about the meetings. Since the unrest began…

Current Absurdities Culture Lifestyle Social

Pearly King of Peckham Dies at 88

Alan Nafzger

Pearly King of Peckham Dies at 88, London Realises Nobody Left Knows What Anyone Is Talking About George Major spoke Cockney rhyming slang, backslang and the increasingly endangered London dialect known as “talking to strangers” LONDON — George Major, the Pearly King of Peckham, died on August 1 at the age of 88, leaving London with considerably fewer pearl buttons, bargains, street characters and people capable of conducting an entire…

Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle

Nationwide Queue Shortage

Alan Nafzger

Britain Announces Nationwide Queue Shortage, Forms Queue to Complain About It National Crisis Deepens After Citizens Forced to Approach Counters Immediately LONDON — Britain entered unfamiliar constitutional territory Tuesday after officials confirmed that several public buildings had temporarily run out of queues, forcing shocked citizens to walk directly to service counters without first spending 35 minutes staring at the back of another person’s coat. The Department for Public Waiting described the…

Lifestyle Business Culture Governance Social Tourism

Oxford Street Goes Traffic-Free in October, Christmas Shoppers Thrilled to Discover They Can Now Be Crushed Exclusively by Other Christmas Shoppers

Oeko Angebot

Oxford Street Goes Traffic-Free in October, Christmas Shoppers Thrilled to Discover They Can Now Be Crushed Exclusively by Other Christmas Shoppers | London removes the vehicles so pedestrians can finally inconvenience one another without professional assistance

Culture America Lifestyle Royals Social

Harry Must Admit William Was Right About Everything Since Nursery School

Junglepussy

Prince William Reportedly Offers Harry Path to Reconciliation: Admit William Was Right About Everything Since Approximately Nursery School Palace Peace Process Enters Its 847th Preliminary Stage LONDON — Britain awoke Sunday to promising news in the nation’s longest-running diplomatic dispute not involving France: Prince William and Prince Harry may theoretically possess a pathway toward reconciliation, provided everybody can first agree precisely who should apologise, for what, in what order, using…

Business Culture Lifestyle Social

Penguin Should Publish “The London Prat” Book

Harper Thames

Penguin Should Publish The London Prat Book Because At Least Our Mistakes Are On Purpose Subtitle: Charles Spencer accidentally makes factual error in Diana book, accidentally proves The London Prat’s entire publishing philosophy LONDON: Penguin has been urged to publish The London Prat: Collected Errors, Deliberate Offences and Other Improvements to British Literacy after the publishing world was rocked by the shocking discovery that even serious books contain mistakes, while…

Culture Lifestyle News Royals

Princess Diana Diagnosed “a Princess”

Morag Sinclair

Princess Diana Retroactively Diagnosed With Rare Condition Known as “Being a Princess” Earl Spencer suggests Diana may have had undiagnosed ADHD and dyslexia, prompting Britain to reconsider whether every royal personality trait actually requires its own medical billing code InStyle reports that Earl Charles Spencer believes his sister, Princess Diana, may have had undiagnosed ADHD and dyslexia, drawing partly on his own later ADHD diagnosis and similarities he says he recognized…

Culture Lifestyle Political Social

Spontaneous Protest Works Best When Scheduled

Alan Nafzger

London Left Discovers Spontaneous Protest Works Best When Scheduled a Fortnight in Advance Socialist Groups Reportedly Coordinate “Spontaneous” Demonstration, Finally Bringing Central Planning to Spontaneity LONDON — Political activists in the capital have reportedly achieved something economists once considered impossible: centrally planned spontaneity. Following a controversial police operation in East London, a coalition of socialist organisations promoted what was billed as an “Emergency Demonstration/Vigil.” The event carried a start time,…