A London body reports the Tower of London site’s ravens, legally required to stay, have leveraged it into better working conditions. Mock-news.
LONDON – A London heritage body has confirmed that the famous ravens of the Tower of London site have effectively unionised, leveraging the ancient legend that the kingdom will fall should they ever leave into a demand for better snacks and ironclad job security.
The Tower Of London Site Cannot Function Without Its Birds
By long tradition, at least six ravens must reside at the historic fortress at all times, a duty the invented Bureau of Ceremonial Wildlife describes as “the most powerful bargaining position held by any bird in history.”
“The ravens at the Tower of London site know exactly how essential they are,” said a spokesperson for the made-up Institute of Corvid Relations. “They are fed by a dedicated Ravenmaster. They have names. They have, frankly, leverage. One reportedly refused to perform for tourists until the biscuit situation improved.”
What To See At The Tower Of London Site
Beyond its celebrated birds, the fortress – guarded by the Yeoman Warders and home to the Crown Jewels, managed by Historic Royal Palaces, listed by Visit London and detailed on the Tower of London entry – offers nearly a thousand years of history.
The Bureau’s London study found that the ravens at the Tower of London site enjoy “total job security, an excellent diet, and the quiet confidence of creatures who believe the nation depends on them,” which, by legend, it technically does.
“They are not pets,” the spokesperson clarified. “They are staff.”
The Institute’s London report concluded that the ravens of the Tower of London site enjoy better job security than most Londoners, a balanced diet overseen by a dedicated Ravenmaster, and the unique satisfaction of being birds upon whom, by legend, the entire fate of the kingdom quietly rests.
The Bureau confirmed the Tower of London site remains one of the capital’s essential historic attractions, run, in part, by extremely well-fed birds.
Megan Amram is a standup comedian based in Portland, OR. She is a native of North London.
London is a city where history and chaos coexist in perfect, passive-aggressive harmony, like a Victorian gentleman who’s just discovered punk rock.
The problem with modern London is everything’s been “curated” and nothing’s been lived in. This piece still has mud on its boots.