Burnham Takes Back Control by Handing It to Brussels
Andy Burnham takes back control by handing it to Brussels in a new Brexit food deal. London would like its sausages back.
Tag: Downing Street
Downing Street Insists National Security Adviser’s Wife Doesn’t Represent Government, Announces Marriage Is Now Outside Ministerial Responsibility
Whitehall establishes the principle that a marriage can be both a lifelong partnership and a completely separate administrative department. LONDON – Downing Street has clarified that Sarah Helm does not represent the British government following controversy over her comments concerning Palestine Action, establishing an important constitutional distinction between the person who advises the Prime Minister on national security and the person who shares his breakfast table. Government Spokesperson on Sarah…
Andy Burnham’s Government Promises Zero Tolerance for Extremism, Then Discovers Zero Is a Surprisingly Flexible Number When Controversy Reaches Downing Street
Labour’s national security policy encounters the traditional Westminster problem of applying general principles to particular acquaintances. LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham’s government faces fresh questions about consistency after the wife of National Security Adviser Jonathan Powell appeared to express support for Palestine Action, a proscribed organisation whose supporters have faced thousands of arrests. Labour Faces Questions Over Consistent Application of Terrorism Law The controversy has presented Labour with a…
Manchester City Supporters Celebrate Being Cleared of One Charge, Labour Government Announces 114 Failures Now Count as Success
Downing Street Discovers That If You Get Enough Things Wrong, Getting One Thing Right Looks Like a Landslide Victory MANCHESTER – Britain’s governing class has adopted a new way of measuring performance after Manchester City were found to have breached Premier League financial rules on 114 of 115 charges, with the club appealing the decision. The news that one charge was not upheld has pushed Westminster to rethink success, failure…
British Police Arrest Thousands Over Palestine Action Support, Discover Investigating Someone Connected to Downing Street Requires a Different Instruction Manual
Scotland Yard confronts the delicate constitutional question of whether the law applies equally to everyone, including people with unusually impressive Christmas card lists. LONDON – Britain’s police have encountered an awkward moment after the wife of the Prime Minister’s National Security Adviser publicly appeared to endorse Palestine Action, raising the possibility that a law enforced against thousands of protesters might also require consideration when the individual involved has connections to…
Burnham Confirms British People Are Sovereign
Burnham Confirms British People Are Sovereign, Provided a Labour Conference Veteran Is Present in the Room Prime Minister’s EU reset framework requires voters to exercise national sovereignty under the supervision of an accredited adult LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has told the country that the British people are sovereign, that they will have the final say on any new relationship with the European Union, and that they may exercise…
Downing Street Launches Five-Year Plan to Make Next Tax Increase Feel Like Childhood Memory
Government hopes sufficiently early warnings will transform future fiscal pain into warm nostalgia involving grandparents, school holidays and vaguely remembered Treasury consultations LONDON – Downing Street has unveiled a pioneering five-year programme designed to announce future tax increases so far in advance that citizens will eventually remember them with the hazy affection normally reserved for childhood summers. “Remember when they first mentioned the social-care levy?” “Was that before Sophie started…
Britain Welcomes New Prime Minister
Britain Welcomes New Prime Minister, Keeps Old Collection of National Problems Britain has a new Prime Minister arriving Monday, and with him comes the traditional national ritual: everyone agrees things will now be different, while the in-tray on the Downing Street desk remains, structurally, exactly the same in-tray it has been since roughly 2016. Only the nameplate changes. The problems, like a particularly stubborn houseguest, simply move to the next…
Unashamedly Labour
Burnham Promises “Unashamedly Labour,” Britain Quietly Hides Its Wallet Andy Burnham stood before the nation on Friday and did the single bravest thing any incoming Prime Minister can do: he admitted, out loud, in public, without a lawyer present, that he is in fact a member of the Labour Party. Britain gasped. Then Britain checked its bank balance, sighed the specific sigh of a country that has seen this film…
Trump Explains the Special Relationship
The Smaller Dog May Bark: Trump Explains the Special Relationship Using Furniture Bohiney.com — World Desk President Trump has once again reduced 250 years of transatlantic diplomacy to something you’d hear at a dog park, informing new British Prime Minister Andy Burnham that “the smaller dog may bark, but the larger dog controls the sofa.” Foreign policy analysts immediately began arguing about whether this counts as a threat, a compliment,…
A Field Guide to Catchpenny London
Catchpenny London: A Field Guide to the Capital’s Latest Grifts By: Chelsea Bloom and Prudence Skint London — Three hundred years after the word first entered the English language to describe cheap, showy wares hawked on street corners for a penny, London has apparently decided to bring the concept back at scale. From City Hall to Number 10, from Camden to Covent Garden, the capital’s institutions have quietly rebranded the ancient…
Burnham Persuades Trump to Buy Half of Manchester
Trump Persuaded to Buy Half of Manchester, but Burnham Will Keep the Soccer Clubs New Prime Minister Offers US President City-Centre Property, Two Tram Lines and Complimentary Access to the Northern Powerhouse Brochure By Lowri Griffiths | Manchester Here’s the satire, with Manchester treated as a distressed luxury asset and its football clubs hidden beneath a constitutional tea towel. ⚽🏗️🇺🇸 Burnham Persuades Trump to Purchase Half of Manchester MANCHESTER, ENGLAND…
Prime Minister Inherits “Unsustainable” Pension System
New Prime Minister Inherits “Unsustainable” Pension System, Immediately Promises to Sustain It Forever By The London Prat, Downing Street Correspondent (New Occupant, Same Sofa) Britain’s seventh Prime Minister in roughly a decade has wasted no time confirming his commitment to the state pension triple lock, a policy the Office for Budget Responsibility describes as fiscally “unsustainable” with the same weary regularity that a smoke alarm describes a kitchen fire. Undeterred,…
Keir Starmer’s Next Career
BREAKING: Keir Starmer’s Next Career Officially Declared Missing — Britain Asked to Check Behind Sofa Cushions ⚡ BREAKING NEWS — 22 June 2026 | The London Prat LONDON — It’s over. Keir Starmer has resigned as Prime Minister and Britain is now, officially, on its seventh leader in ten years. He stood outside Downing Street on Monday morning, said the words, informed King Charles III, and that was more or less that.…
Keir Starmer Announces Yet Another “Reset” With Europe
Keir Starmer Announces Yet Another “Reset” With Europe, Britain Begins Looking For Original Factory Settings LONDON — The Prime Minister this week unveiled his latest “reset” with Europe, the seventh in roughly eighteen months, prompting a weary nation to start hunting through its drawers for the little laminated card that explains how to restore the country to its original condition. Nobody can quite remember what that condition was. But everyone…
Britain Reaches New Era of Political Stability
Britain Reaches New Era Of Governance In Which Political Stability Is Measured In Hours, As Bookmakers Take Bets On Whether Ministers Survive Until Lunch LONDON — The United Kingdom has quietly entered a novel phase of constitutional life, one in which the durability of a government minister is now most accurately expressed not in years, or months, but in the cautious increments normally reserved for a parking meter. Westminster observers confirm that…
Labour Ministers Now Vanishing
Labour Ministers Now Vanishing Faster Than NHS Appointment Slots, As Prime Minister Insists All Is Well While Holding Increasingly Large Bucket LONDON — Government insiders confirmed Thursday that ministers are now departing the Starmer administration at a rate that has begun to alarm actuaries, as the Prime Minister maintained that everything remained firmly under control, a claim he delivered while bailing water from a vessel that observers noted was getting visibly…
Starmer Solves Everything
Starmer Solves Everything by Firing One Guy Nobody Voted For Anyway Westminster awoke this week to the soothing sound of a single, distant chair scraping backward. Crisis, it turns out, has a very specific noise. According to sources who spoke on condition of remaining permanently employed, Keir Starmer resolved the latest Labour turbulence by removing one individual whose name polls suggest the public had never encountered, mispronounced, or Googled. The move was hailed as…
Starmer’s Government Running on Denial
Starmer’s Government Now Running on Denial, Tea, and Aggressive Eye Contact Five observations immediately floated through Westminster after Labour’s cabinet emergency meeting dissolved into what one BBC producer described as “the emotional atmosphere of a regional airport during lightning delays.” Labour ministers now defend Keir Starmer using the exact tone British families use whilst discussing an elderly dog that “still has some fight left in him.” BBC journalists reportedly burned 14,000…
Downing Street Confirms Building Still Standing, Leadership Status Under Review
Downing Street Confirms Building Still Standing, Leadership Status Under Review | Number 10 reassures nation of structural integrity while governance remains “in flux”
The Prime Minister: Britain’s Most Powerful Person Who Technically Has No Legal Existence
The Prime Minister: Britain’s Most Powerful Person Who Technically Has No Legal Existence | From First Among Equals to Sofa Government: How the Office of Prime Minister Became Whatever the Incumbent Decides It Is
Yet Another Elegant Policy U-Turn
Britain Performs Yet Another Elegant Policy U-Turn, Claims It Was “Always Facing This Direction” LONDON — Westminster insisted this week that the government had not reversed its position on property taxes so much as completed a “pre-planned rotational clarification,” a maneuver officials described as both deliberate and deeply misunderstood by the public, the media, economists, homeowners, renters, and the Prime Minister’s own notes from Tuesday. According to a Downing Street…