Paris Unveils New National Strategy: Smoke, Shrug, and Quietly Judge Other Countries
PARIS — In response to global uncertainty, Paris has announced a comprehensive national strategy focused on three key pillars: smoking, shrugging, and quietly judging other countries from a pavement café with very good cheese.
La Perspective: France’s Most Confident Non-Plan
The plan, dubbed “La Perspective,” encourages citizens to maintain composure whilst expressing mild disappointment in everything. Targets include: neighbouring nations, weather systems, political developments, the concept of enthusiasm, and any foreigner who appears to be enjoying themselves with insufficient irony. Britain features prominently on the list, primarily for its food and its weather, both of which the French consider evidence of a character flaw.
“Why panic?” asked a government adviser, whose identity was withheld because being known as the architect of national indifference carries unexpected social consequences. “We have cigarettes.” He paused. “And the cigarettes are excellent.” He did not mention that France receives over 90 million international visitors a year, making it the most visited country on earth — proof, officials say, that a policy of mild disdain is not merely sustainable but commercially robust.
International Observers Give the Strategy High Marks for Style, Zero for Function
International observers have praised the strategy’s consistency. “It doesn’t solve anything,” said one analyst, “but it looks incredible doing it.” This is, per two separate academic papers, the most honest assessment any government strategy has received since the Beveridge Report, and that one at least had an index.
The United Kingdom, for comparison, responds to global uncertainty by convening emergency COBR meetings, producing cross-departmental white papers, scheduling a select committee, and then quietly doing nothing for eighteen months while arguing about the minutes. France responds by extending the lunch hour and calling it a philosophical position. The Paris tourism office describes this as “the French art of living.” Romesh Ranganathan has described it as “the most annoying thing about a country I can’t stop visiting.”
Locals Report Feeling Cautiously Unimpressed, Which Is Exactly the Point
Meanwhile, locals report feeling cautiously unimpressed. “It’s fine,” said one man near the Jardin du Luxembourg, exhaling thoughtfully. “It could be worse. We could be enthusiastic.” He pulled his collar against a wind that was not particularly strong but felt philosophically appropriate. “Enthusiasm is a kind of giving up.”
A woman at the adjacent table nodded without looking up from her book, which is in Paris the highest possible form of agreement, and in London the highest possible form of commuting.
The plan has been quietly adopted by at least four other European nations, none of which will officially acknowledge this because doing so would constitute enthusiasm. France has not commented on the adoption, which insiders say is itself the comment. Dara Ó Briain has noted that Ireland would adopt the same approach but the pubs keep forcing everyone to talk to each other.
Paris received over 50 million visitors in 2024 — each of whom arrived, by most accounts, hoping to experience exactly this: a city that has decided its own indifference is a feature, cigarette smoke is an atmosphere, and a Gallic shrug is a complete sentence. They are correct. The shrug contains multitudes. The cigarette completes it. The cheese makes it worth the Eurostar. More Paris comedy of this vintage is available at The Paris Fool, where the indifference is also artisanal.
The London Prat is a satirical publication established in 1961. This article was produced through a human collaboration between a retired diplomat who now makes wine in Burgundy and a former foreign correspondent who has spent considerable time in Paris being judged and found it, on reflection, character-building. France’s national character — composed in roughly equal parts of excellence, indifference, and magnificent cheese — is real, well-documented, and genuinely baffling to the British, who have never quite forgiven France for being this good at being this unbothered.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Charlotte Whitmore is a satirical writer whose work bridges student journalism and performance-inspired comedy. Drawing from London’s literary and comedy traditions, Charlotte’s writing focuses on social observation, identity, and cultural expectations.
Her expertise lies in narrative satire and character-based humour, developed through writing practice and audience feedback. Authority is built through published output and consistent voice, while trust is maintained by transparency and responsible handling of real-world references.
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