Institution Decides Novels Are Lies; Solicits Exclusively Memoir, Self-Help, and Podcast Transcripts
London
The British Library has announced a revolutionary acquisitions policy: they will no longer accept fictional literature, declaring novels fundamentally “inauthentic” and unworthy of preservation alongside “real” books consisting exclusively of memoirs, self-help manuals, and increasingly, podcast transcripts.
“Fiction is lies,” a library official explained while reviewing acquisition policies. “We’re a library. We preserve authentic materials. Novels are invented narratives. Therefore, they’re inauthentic.”
The policy eliminates Shakespeare, the Brontës, Austen, Dickens, and essentially all canonical literature from the collection, replacing them with celebrity memoirs, productivity guides, and documented podcast episodes about people discussing their emotional experiences.
When asked whether literary fiction constitutes authentic cultural artifact deserving preservation, officials responded: “Novels are made-up stories. Memoirs are made-up stories told as if they’re real. We prefer the honesty of memoirs.”
Literature, as cultural artifact, preserves human experience, imagination, and artistic expression across time periods. The library has apparently decided that only literal factual documentation deserves preservation.
“Shakespeare didn’t actually experience the events in his plays,” one librarian noted. “Therefore, his work is inauthentic. But if someone writes a memoir about their emotional journey, that’s authentic regardless of how much of it they’ve invented or exaggerated.”
The distinction between “authenticity” and “factuality” seems lost on the institution. They’re eliminating literature while accepting celebrity memoirs known for significant factual embellishment.
Literary scholars have expressed concern that this policy eliminates canonical works that preserve language, thought, and cultural evolution across centuries. The library responded: “Those are nice concepts, but they’re not authentic.”
The library has begun actively deaccessioning literary fiction. Centuries of preserved literature are being removed and destroyed to make shelf space for podcast transcripts and wellness guides.
Library preservation traditionally emphasizes maintaining materials of cultural significance, which includes fiction that has shaped thought and language. The library has decided cultural significance is secondary to literal authenticity.
One librarian noted: “We’re destroying literature. Actual irreplaceable literature. Because it’s not authentic enough by our new standards.” She was apparently unconcerned about the implications.
When asked whether podcast transcripts constitute literature worthy of preservation, officials responded: “They’re authentic conversations between real people. More authentic than invented stories, certainly.”
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