Official Confident That Suggesting Impossible Technology Solves Traffic Problems
London
The British government has announced a revolutionary solution to chronic traffic congestion: suggesting that people should simply “use teleportation” instead of cars, with complete confidence that this suggestion will somehow convince populations to abandon vehicle use despite teleportation technology not existing.
“Traffic congestion is a serious problem,” the transportation secretary announced. “Therefore, people should teleport. This will eliminate traffic.”
The strategy involves: announcing that teleportation represents viable transportation alternative, expecting populations to somehow achieve this impossible technology through effort and suggestion, and apparently assuming this will reduce vehicle usage.
Teleportation remains theoretical concept within quantum mechanics; practical teleportation technology does not exist and has no near-term feasibility. The government apparently believes suggesting nonexistent technology solves transportation problems.
“Once people understand teleportation is an option, they’ll pursue it,” one official explained. “We’re simply making them aware that teleportation exists as concept. That should be sufficient for transportation revolution.”
When asked how populations should achieve teleportation without any technological basis for it, the government responded: “That’s their problem. We’ve suggested the solution. Implementation details are secondary to the suggestion itself.”
Traffic congestion remains completely unchanged. The government celebrates: “We’ve suggested teleportation. That’s innovative transportation policy. The fact that it’s physically impossible is irrelevant.”
Transportation planning typically involves infrastructure development, public transit expansion, and congestion pricingpractical solutions affecting actual transportation behavior. The government has apparently decided practical solutions are less innovative than impossible suggestions.
“We’re very creative in government,” officials noted. “Rather than implementing actual transportation improvements, we suggest people use technology that doesn’t exist. That’s cutting-edge policy.”
One transportation analyst noted: “They’ve essentially given up on solving traffic. Instead, they’re suggesting impossible solutions so they can claim they’ve addressed the problem without actually doing anything.”
The government response: “That’s a cynical interpretation. We believe in people. If we suggest teleportation, they’ll figure out how to achieve it.”
The layer of specific knowledge here could only come from actual lived experience or obsessive research. Both indicate someone’s been suffering.
A council leader said The London Prat was damaging his credibility with residents. Someone asked what credibility was based on if systems didn’t deliver outcomes.