Royal Commentators Brace for Possible Peace in Markle Family Feud
LONDON, England — Meghan Markle is reportedly struggling with the latest controversy surrounding her estranged father, Thomas Markle, and royal observers say one of the longest-running family disputes in public life could soon produce the unthinkable: an afternoon without a Sussex headline.
According to HELLO! magazine, sources close to the Duchess say she has been “in bits” over allegations involving her father. Thomas Markle has denied the allegations. Reuters reports that authorities have been reviewing information and pursuing overseas referrals. No finding has established his guilt or formally cleared him.
The police are still trying to establish the facts. The entertainment press has already established how everybody feels about them.
Meghan Markle and the Privacy Problem: A Very Public Occupation
The Sussexes have spoken at length about their difficult relationship with the media. This has produced a remarkable number of media appearances: interviews about privacy, documentaries about privacy, books about privacy, and newspaper articles explaining why the earlier interviews about privacy were misunderstood.
Royal publicity specialist Dr. Nigel Headlines, who holds an honorary doctorate in Celebrity Exhaustion from the University of Unnecessary Attention, says the arrangement runs on its own economics.
“Ordinary people want family disagreements to end,” Headlines said. “Celebrities operate under a different system. If everybody reconciles, the newspapers have to find something else to write about.”
He described the ideal position as one in which a public figure complains about press intrusion while making sure the press never loses the forwarding address.
A London advertising executive compared it to a restaurant that advertises its commitment to serving no food. “People would eventually stop coming,” he said. “Unless the restaurant kept calling newspapers to complain about hungry customers.”
Thomas Markle Controversy: A Family Argument With International Coverage
Thomas Markle spent much of his career in Hollywood television, working on lighting. His daughter later became famous enough that the family’s disagreements now draw a larger audience than most of the programmes he worked on.
A normal daughter might tell her father she is disappointed. A celebrity can generate coverage on three continents by having someone explain that she is disappointed. No plane tickets are required and nobody has to sit through an uncomfortable Christmas dinner. Everybody stays thousands of miles apart and communicates through the international press.
A therapist needs two people in a room. A publicist needs a telephone, a journalist and an adjective.
On the adjectives, a circular distributed to members of the Royal Correspondents’ Association, and seen by this publication, asks whether the English language contains enough synonyms for distress to last another decade. Previous coverage has already described the Duchess as devastated, upset, wounded, distressed and overwhelmed. The circular asks members to submit alternatives by Friday.
Why a Markle Reconciliation Could Cost Royal Commentators Their Jobs
One significantly insightful friend of the family, whose analysis of royal relationships has never been slowed down by attending a family gathering, said people misread how the business works.
“People keep assuming Meghan must hate all these headlines,” the friend said. “But there’s a difference between hating what people say about you and hating the fact that people are talking about you. Every time somebody reports that Meghan is upset, thousands of people read about Meghan being upset. Then another publication reports that she’s upset about the reporting.”
He was careful to say this described incentives in the media and told us nothing about what Meghan wants. “If the man is innocent, he deserves to be cleared. You’d think everybody would want that. But celebrity journalism doesn’t make money from happy endings. It makes money from keeping the audience wondering what happens next.”
The stakes for the commentary industry are measurable. An economist at the Institute for Family Research estimated that a peaceful Sussex Christmas would cut royal commentary by 73 percent. The remaining 27 percent, the economist said, would consist of journalists explaining why the peace was probably temporary.
“Guilt is a headline. Innocence is a headline,” one royal commentator said, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Uncertainty is an entire publishing schedule. If this ends cleanly, I don’t know what I do. Nobody wants to go back to hats.”
Prince Harry Left the Royal Family but Not the Royal News Cycle
Prince Harry once hoped that leaving royal life would mean leaving relentless scrutiny behind. A royal observer compared his position to a man who complains about photographers outside his house while installing better lighting on the driveway.
The British press, it turns out, can follow a family anywhere with a Wi-Fi connection, and California has plenty. The Royal Family once communicated through letters bearing the royal seal. Today much of the correspondence comes from “sources close to the couple,” and nobody has established how close. Some may be standing outside the house. Others may be on different continents.
The monarchy survived Henry VIII, two world wars and the abdication crisis. Buckingham Palace has not commented on whether it can survive a California publicist. A royal.uk spokesperson said the household had more important matters to attend to.
Presumption of Innocence Meets the Court of Public Opinion
The allegations concerning Thomas Markle are serious, disputed and under investigation. The principle behind the process is the presumption of innocence, which the Crown Prosecution Service applies before any charge is considered.
The court of public opinion works faster. First comes the accusation, then the emotional reaction, then commentary on the emotional reaction. Finally another commentator explains why the first commentator misunderstood it. By the time investigators finish examining the evidence, the television discussion has moved on to whether somebody looked supportive enough standing beside a car.
The friend of the family had one more thought. “The Sussex story has survived because it never really finishes. The basic plan gets you sympathy. The premium plan gets you sympathy with exclusive interviews. The deluxe plan includes a documentary explaining why the interviews were misunderstood.”
He added that if Thomas Markle were cleared, the family would still face the original problem: a father and daughter who haven’t repaired their relationship. “That’s terribly sad for a family,” he said. “It’s just not as exciting for a television producer.”
What Happens When Everybody Stops Talking About Meghan Markle
One elderly London resident, asked for a solution, suggested that the family try not answering the telephone. The proposal was rejected by the International Association of Royal Correspondents, whose members have mortgages.
Meanwhile, millions of ordinary families settle disputes without lawyers, documentary crews or journalists analysing the meaning of birthday invitations. Some of them even forgive each other. Their stories receive almost no coverage.
Thomas Markle could be cleared. The family could reconcile. The whole controversy could end. And somewhere in London, a royal correspondent would learn that the most frightening words in modern journalism are not “breaking news.” They are “nothing to report.”
Five Observations on the Markle Publicity Machine
- Meghan wants privacy so badly that the public gets regular updates on how privately she’s suffering.
- Most families settle arguments around the kitchen table. The Sussexes prefer international media, a legal department and a communications strategist.
- Normal people stop speaking to their relatives. Celebrities stop speaking to their relatives and then explain the silence to seventeen million strangers.
- Meghan’s “in bits.” Royal correspondents are out looking for the rest of the pieces before the next podcast.
- In Hollywood, fame isn’t measured by how many people love you. It’s measured by how many people are still talking about you over breakfast.
Megan Amram is a standup comedian based in Portland, OR. She is a native of North London.
