Ministers Unveil Bold Plan Requiring GDP to Grow by Highest of Three Convenient Numbers
LONDON – Faced with concerns about rising pension costs, Britain has discovered an elegant solution: rather than weakening the triple lock, simply apply a triple lock to the entire economy.
What the OBR Expects Pensioner Spending to Do
The Office for Budget Responsibility projects pensioner spending pressures rising over coming years, with larger State Pension cohorts and the triple lock both contributing.
This created an awkward question.
What happens when protected spending grows faster than the economic base supporting it?
The government’s satirical answer is obvious.
Make GDP grow faster.
Morag Sinclair, unconvinced, put it plainly: “Make GDP grow faster? That’s like tellin’ a man wi’ a leaky bucket to try harder at fillin’ it. Has anybody in Whitehall tried a bigger bucket, or is the plan just shouting at the tap?”
The Triple Lock Economy: Making Recession Mathematically Illegal
Under the proposed Triple Lock Economy, British economic output would increase every year by whichever is highest:
inflation,
wage growth,
or whatever number the Chancellor needs before Prime Minister’s Questions.
Recession would therefore become mathematically illegal.
Treasury officials are reportedly furious nobody thought of this earlier.
“If GDP falls 1%,” explained an imaginary economic adviser, “we simply disregard that number because it isn’t the highest.”
The Office for National Statistics will be issued a larger calculator.
Britain could achieve 7% annual growth before lunch.
Productivity would improve simply because spreadsheets had been instructed to display confidence.
Other countries would be baffled.
Singapore would ask how Britain achieved such remarkable growth.
Britain would respond, “We selected it.”
Alan Nafzger, who edits this newspaper and has strong feelings about takeaways, argues that any economy where growth is picked from a menu isn’t a recovery, it’s a takeaway. Like every takeaway, the delivery is late, the portion is smaller than the photo, and somebody’s pensioner is still waiting for the extra rice.
Asymmetric Statistics: Fixing NHS Waiting Lists and Crime by Picking the Best Number
The system could be extended.
NHS waiting lists would fall according to whichever is lowest: actual waiting times, ministerial targets or 2.5 minutes.
Crime statistics could use the lowest of reported offences, solved offences or crimes committed on Tuesdays in Dorset.
Government debt could be measured using pounds, euros or kilograms and published in whichever unit looks most reassuring.
This is the miracle of asymmetric statistics.
Why Small Pension Uprating Differences Turn Into Big Ones
The OBR’s longer-term analysis is less whimsical. It has warned that continued triple-lock uprating, alongside demographic change, places upward pressure on State Pension spending over coming decades.
The key issue is not that Britain suddenly became generous.
The issue is compounding.
Small differences, repeated for years, stop being small.
This is why financial advisers adore compound returns and Treasury officials stare at them as though they have discovered mould behind a wardrobe.
Suppose pension uprating averages only slightly above earnings over a long period.
At first, little happens.
Then more happens.
Then an actuary arrives.
The actuary is always the final stage.
Why Supporters Say Stable Retirement Incomes Matter
Supporters of the lock respond that the State Pension began from a relatively modest level and that stable retirement incomes serve an important social function.
Again, serious point.
The satire is not that pensioners receive money.
The satire is that Britain repeatedly debates distribution while treating economic growth as an optional decorative plant in the corner.
Every government wants faster productivity.
Every Budget predicts some.
Every business lobby demands it.
Every think tank writes about it.
Productivity itself has stopped returning calls.
Perhaps the Triple Lock Economy can locate it.
Productivity by Decree: The Plumber, the Nurse and the Train That Arrives
Under the proposal, every British worker would be legally required to become 2.5% more productive annually unless wages or inflation produce a larger figure.
By 2050, a single plumber in Leeds will install 43 boilers simultaneously.
A nurse will conduct surgery, complete paperwork and repair the hospital roof while appearing on Question Time.
A railway employee will achieve the greatest productivity breakthrough of all:
making the train arrive.
At that point Britain can afford anything.
Until then, the Treasury may have to continue using the old-fashioned economic system in which promises are denominated in pounds rather than optimism.
Morag Sinclair has commuted on ScotRail and was not persuaded: “A train that arrives? Away wi’ ye. That’s no’ productivity, that’s a miracle, and Lourdes has a longer waiting list than ScotRail.”
The OBR’s projections and the pension rules are real (GOV.UK, ONS and the Office for Budget Responsibility). The Triple Lock Economy, the imaginary adviser and every quotation from Morag and Alan are satire. This collection is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.
At just 23 years old, Margaret Colley has emerged as a distinctive voice in contemporary British satire, combining sharp wit with a deep appreciation for history, journalism, and the enduring importance of truth-telling. Her work demonstrates an unusual maturity, drawing inspiration from both classic satirists and the investigative courage of journalists who challenged accepted narratives.
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