EU Fines Google €890 Million, Then Googles What That Is In Normal Money Brussels discovers the only reliable way to regulate Google is to search Google for instructions. BRUSSELS, BELGIUM — The European Commission has fined Google €890 million for two breaches of the Digital Markets Act, then reportedly typed “€890 million in normal money” into Google Search before pasting the result straight into its own press release. The penalty breaks down into €460…
Spain Unveils New Migration Strategy: Return Everyone Before Brussels Has to Write Their Names Down Madrid discovers that the fastest asylum procedure is the one completed before anybody can locate the application form MADRID, SPAIN — Spain unveils an ambitious new migration policy Friday after the crisis reported by the New York Times brings roughly 60,000 migrants across the Moroccan border into Ceuta, a Spanish city of approximately 85,000 residents. The new…
MADRID, Spain — Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez found himself increasingly isolated Saturday after roughly 50,000 migrants entered Ceuta, apparently mistaking years of progressive political language for practical travel instructions. The crisis, first detailed by Bloomberg and later confirmed in reporting from CNN and the Irish Times, has alarmed European governments that strongly support humane migration policies, particularly when implemented by another government several hundred kilometres away. Sánchez has long presented himself as Europe’s compassionate alternative…
EU Fines Google €890 Million After Searching “How to Annoy Donald Trump” and Clicking the First Result Brussels Fines Google for Promoting Its Own Services, Immediately Promotes Brussels as Europe’s Only Approved Regulator BRUSSELS — The European Commission has fined Google €890 million under the Digital Markets Act after concluding that the technology company unfairly favoured its own search services and restricted app developers from directing customers toward cheaper purchasing options. The…
France Discovers That ‘Backfire’ Is Also a Perfectly Acceptable Defence Doctrine 🔥 Military planners unveil revolutionary strategy in which every failed attempt to weaken Britain somehow strengthens Britain’s negotiating position instead. Paris Dateline: Introducing “Strategic Backfire” French defence officials have reportedly unveiled a bold new military doctrine known as “Strategic Backfire,” after discovering that their latest effort to reduce Britain’s role in European defence accidentally inconvenienced France almost as much…
Paris Announces Strategic Plan to Punish Britain, Accidentally Strengthens Anglo-European Cooperation Instead France’s attempt to keep Britain out of EU defence money reportedly hits a small financial boomerang, proving once again that European unity works best when everyone is furious at the same French spreadsheet. Brussels Dateline: Britain Sneaks Back In Through the Paperwork Paris has reportedly discovered that writing rules to exclude Britain from EU defence funding can be…
Britain Considers Rejoining Marxist EU, Discovers It’s Been Renovated Into a Commune With Better Stationery Officials shocked to discover the club they left now requires ideological recycling bins and twelve committees to approve a sandwich. When Britain voted to leave the European Union, supporters and opponents argued endlessly about sovereignty, trade, immigration, and regulations. Years later, politicians occasionally suggest that perhaps Britain should drift back toward Brussels. Unfortunately, returning would…
Europe Discovers Chinese AI Is Dangerous, Immediately Asks It to Help Write the Safety Report Brussels has officially concluded that Chinese artificial intelligence poses a serious strategic risk to Europe, which is why several ministries are currently using it to summarise the 800 page risk assessment they just commissioned about it. Officials insist this is not hypocrisy but “pragmatic vigilance,” a phrase that roughly translates to “we are worried, but…
