Every London district claims to be the best area to stay London offers, and a London tourism panel is hiding under a desk. Mock-news from the turf war.
LONDON – Civic chaos erupted on Tuesday after every single neighbourhood in the capital simultaneously declared itself the best area to stay London could possibly offer, triggering a turf war so intense that a London tourism panel was last seen hiding beneath a reception desk.
The Battle To Be The Best Area To Stay London Has Turned Ugly
According to the invented Royal Commission on Where To Sleep, the dispute began when Shoreditch called itself “the only real choice,” prompting Kensington to issue a statement, Soho to issue a louder one, and Croydon to issue a strongly worded letter that nobody read.
“We asked them to nominate the best area to stay London has, and they all said themselves,” sighed a spokesperson for the made-up Bureau of Postcode Diplomacy. “Even the bit of the M25 that technically counts as London put in a bid. It promised excellent transport links, which, to be fair, is the only true thing anyone said.”
So What Actually Is The Best Area To Stay London Offers?
Neutral observers point to the genuinely central options – the South Bank, Covent Garden, Soho – as listed without bias by Visit London and weighed up by Time Out London, where the only honest metric is how few minutes you spend on the Tube before reaching something worth seeing.
A London poll by the same Commission found that 100 percent of respondents believed their own neighbourhood was the best, and 100 percent believed everyone else’s was “a bit much.” The margin of error was described as “enormous and frankly emotional.”
“The honest answer is whichever one is closest to the thing you came for,” the spokesperson admitted, before being shouted down by a delegation from Clapham waving leaflets.
The Commission has since abandoned its search for the best area to stay London entirely, concluding that the only neutral answer is “wherever your one friend with a spare room happens to live.”
Oeko Angebot ([email protected])
Dad required reading government.