Category: Royals

News Royals

If You See Andrew, Scurry…

Alan Nafzger

Royal Family Introduces New Protocol: If You See Andrew, Scurry Indoors Immediately A Calm, Dignified Response to an Extremely Specific Problem Context: This satirical piece responds to recent events surrounding Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor’s eviction from Royal Lodge and his relocation to the Sandringham estate. After new Jeffrey Epstein-related documents emerged, King Charles stripped his brother of his royal titles in October 2025. The former prince recently moved from his Windsor residence under cover of darkness,…

Culture Current Absurdities Royals

Megan and Harry Argue

Emily Cartwright

Couple Argues Over Whether Healing Requires Silence or Hardcover Montecito, California. The only place in the world where a marital disagreement can be resolved with sage burning, therapy vocabulary, and a 14-chapter publishing proposal. According to people who live within 600 yards of a lemon tree and therefore qualify as “insiders,” Meghan would like to release a memoir to reclaim her story, while Harry would like to reclaim a Christmas card invitation.…

Culture News Royals

Fergie’s Grand Escape Tour

Alan Nafzger

Fergie’s Grand Escape Tour: From Royal Lodge to Spa Lodge to Who Knows Where Next Ex-Duchess of York Reportedly Now Accepting Retreat Reservations Worldwide Five Observations Before We Begin Sarah Ferguson has achieved what few royals dare attempt: turning scandal adjacency into a loyalty rewards programme. Royal Lodge may be historic, but apparently it does not offer the one amenity Fergie now requires: plausible deniability with a side of aromatherapy. When Prince Andrew…

Culture Royals

Corgis And Crayons

Caitlin Moran

Prince William Said To Be “Learning Optics” After Kate Drew Him Diagrams Using Corgis And Crayons In what royal insiders are describing as the most significant advancement in the future king’s communications education since he learned not to wave at television cameras the same way one waves at someone you’re trying to avoid at a party, Prince William is reportedly making genuine progress on the concept of “optics” following an…

Culture Current Absurdities Royals

Prince Andrew

Alan Nafzger

The Curious Case of “Prince Andrew”: A Title That Refuses to Evict Itself Five Observations from Britain’s Most Persistent Royal Circus He is the only man in Britain who got downgraded socially but still gets addressed like an upgrade. It is rather like being sacked from Greggs and still insisting people call you Regional Pastry Director. The laminate badge is gone. The title, however, has applied for planning permission and…

Royals

Royal Rumble in Windsor

Alan Nafzger

Royal Rumble in Windsor Kingdom: Why Charles and William Aren’t Speaking (According to People Who Totally Know Someone) In the grand tradition of family feuds that make Thanksgiving politics look like a cuddle party, Britain’s Two Most Expensive Man-Children have reached Peak Silence — a dramatic hush that’s been described by unnamed sources (i.e., people definitely on email lists but maybe on mute too) as “icy at best and explosive at…

Royals

Princess Anne Goes Off On Protesters

Alan Nafzger

Princess Anne Reportedly “Tells Husband to Ignore Protesters” — Palace Insiders Say the Real Conversation Was… Less Printable At the recent Commonwealth Day service outside Westminster Abbey, members of the British royal family were greeted by anti-monarchy protesters shouting and waving signs. According to lip readers and press reports, Princess Anne quietly advised her husband Sir Timothy Laurence to “ignore them.” Observers described Anne as calm, stoic, and composed —…

Royals Social

Operation Disco Camouflage

Violet Woolf

Buckingham Palace Denies Existence of “Operation Disco Camouflage” LONDON — Buckingham Palace today firmly denied ever authorizing, planning, or even casually discussing a covert mission known informally among absolutely no one official as “Operation Disco Camouflage,” the alleged code name for the night Princess Diana reportedly went clubbing with Freddie Mercury in disguise. “There has never been, nor will there ever be, a royal initiative involving leather caps and mood…

News Royals

King Charles Delivers Speech

Aishwarya Rao

King Charles Delivers Speech Written Entirely by Human Resources Department 👑📋🇬🇧 Five Observations Heard Across Britain Before the Speech Even Ended Britons immediately suspected the King’s Speech had been written by Human Resources because every paragraph sounded one complaint away from mandatory sensitivity training. The phrase “moving forward together” appeared so often BBC viewers briefly thought they were trapped inside a corporate onboarding seminar with no fire exit and worse…

Culture Royals Social

King Charles Explaining Monarchy

Oeko Angebot

King Charles Reportedly Spends £14 Million Explaining Monarchy Is “Totally Normal Actually” LONDON — Buckingham Palace confirmed this week that His Majesty King Charles III has spent approximately £14 million over the past two years on a communications and outreach campaign designed to reassure the British public that being born into an inherited position of constitutional sovereignty at the apex of the nation’s social hierarchy is, when you really think about it,…

Culture News Royals

Queen Victoria & Marriage

Siobhan O’Donnell

Queen Victoria Accidentally Invents the Modern Marriage Warning Label Somewhere in the dusty attic of history, a Victorian queen quietly delivered what may be the most honest pre-marital counseling advice ever recorded. Queen Victoria once observed: “I feel sure that no girl would go to the altar if she knew all.“ Historians say she was reflecting on the gap between the romantic dream of marriage and the reality of shared…

Current Absurdities Entertainment Royals

Meghan and Harry Reportedly Discover Privacy

Aishwarya Rao

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry Reportedly Discover Privacy Is Frightfully Difficult When You Keep Reporting About It Somewhere between a Montecito brunch and a Netflix brainstorming session that apparently went nowhere near a spreadsheet, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry have reportedly entered the most exhausting phase of modern celebrity life: being “done with drama” whilst starring in it full-time. Recent reports suggest Meghan has been fielding multiple rather lucrative memoir offers…

Bad Taste Culture Royals

Age of Consent in the UK

Bethan Morgan

Age of Consent in the UK: The Legal Reality Nobody Wants to Talk About It’s 16. It’s in the Statute Books. And the Irony Has Never Been More Delicious. Alright. Let’s talk about irony in the Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor case. Not scandal. Not personalities. Just pure, structural, legislative irony. Because here’s the thing that makes people blink twice: The age of consent in the United Kingdom is 16.And in much of…

News Royals

Royal Family Scandal Update

Fiona MacLeod

Royal Family Scandal Update: How To Survive A Week When Your Surname Is Headline Material There are quiet weeks in Britain. Weeks when the loudest national debate involves a soggy biscuit or whether tea should be stirred clockwise. This is not one of those weeks. For Princess Beatrice, life recently shifted from polite aristocratic scheduling to what crisis managers call “active turbulence.” The kind where your phone vibrates so much…

America Culture Royals

King Charles Offers Harry a Royal Couch

Alan Nafzger

King Charles Offers Harry a Royal Couch and a Warm Hug—But William Says Bring Your Own Tea This satirical piece responds to ongoing speculation about potential reconciliation between King Charles III and his younger son Prince Harry, following years of public tension after Harry and Meghan’s departure from royal duties, their explosive Oprah interview, Harry’s memoir Spare, and the Netflix documentary series. Recent reports suggest the King may be softening his stance, though Prince William reportedly remains…

News Royals

Pretending Andrew Doesn’t Exist

Alan Nafzger

Prince William Eyes Royal Family’s Favourite Tradition: Politely Pretending Uncle Andrew Doesn’t Exist The British monarchy has survived wars, plagues, and disco, but its greatest challenge remains the phrase: “Technically still eighth in line.” Prince Andrew — now formally known as Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor after King Charles stripped him of his remaining titles in October 2025 — is proof that the royal line of succession works exactly like the queue at…

News Royals

Megan vs William Over Spilled Tea

Alan Nafzger

The Great Royal Teacup Confrontation of 2018: A Forensic Investigation Into the Most Consequential Finger-Point in British History KENSINGTON PALACE, LONDON — Historians studying the decline of Western civilization have long debated the precise moment things began to unravel. Some point to the fall of Rome. Others cite the invention of the printing press, or perhaps the first reality television program. But a growing faction of academics — concentrated primarily at…

Culture Current Absurdities Royals Social

Is Prince William Weak… or Just Hopelessly in Love?

Mei Lin Chen

15 Observations: Is Prince William Weak… or Just Hopelessly in Love? ❤️👑 LONDON — Recent reports have highlighted how deeply Princess Kate’s cancer battle affected Prince William, with Kate herself noting that the experience was “just as hard” on family members as on the patient. William has repeatedly praised Kate, saying the family “couldn’t cope without her” and describing the past few years as extraordinarily difficult. The British press, naturally, has responded…

Culture Royals

Alleged Whisper Vault of Andrew

Cyndi Himmelstiere

The Man Who Knows Too Much Tea: Inside the Alleged Whisper Vault of Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor Five Observations From Inside the Palace Gift Shop of Secrets There is something about a royal scandal that makes people believe there’s a vault somewhere beneath Buckingham Palace filled with labelled folders like “DO NOT OPEN UNLESS MONARCHY IN DANGER OR TUESDAY.” The more someone denies knowing anything, the more the public assumes they’ve memorised everything,…

America Royals

Meghan and Harry Declare Victory

Alan Nafzger

Meghan and Harry Announce They Have Won. The Monarchy Has Been Informed by Press Release. 👑📮 In a development that has surprised absolutely no one and baffled everyone simultaneously, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex have confirmed, via carefully scheduled intimation, that they have emerged victorious over the British monarchy — an institution that has survived the Black Death, two World Wars, and a brief but alarming period when people genuinely wore…

Culture Royals

Royal Family’s “No Cousins After 5 PM” Policy

Bethan Morgan

Princess Beatrice and Eugenie Discover the Royal Family Has a “No Cousins After 5 PM” Policy Five Observations About Being “Uninvited” From Royal Life The royal family invented a new job title: “Princess Emeritus of Standing Near the Balcony.” No responsibilities, but you must still wave politely. Buckingham Palace clarified the situation: “They are still princesses… just not princessing professionally anymore.” Royal analysts say the sisters are now part of the monarchy’s new efficiency…

Culture Royals

King Charles: “I’m Too Tired For This.”

Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson, Ph.D.

LONDON — In what palace aides are describing as a “strategic redistribution of ceremonial waving responsibilities,” King Charles III is reportedly considering a bold new royal doctrine known internally as Operation Sit Down. According to a senior courtier who requested anonymity because he still wants Christmas pudding privileges, the King recently surveyed a week of ribbon cuttings, tree plantings, and polite nodding — and quietly murmured, “I’m too tired for this. Here’s the…

Culture Royals Social

Prince Louis’ Fingerprints

Mei Lin Chen

Buckingham Palace Staff Allegedly Using Prince Louis’ Chocolate Fingerprints As New Security System LONDON — Sources within the royal household — speaking on condition of total anonymity and a promise that their names would not appear anywhere near the words “sticky” and “fingerprints” in the same sentence — have confirmed to The London Prat that Buckingham Palace’s security team is in early-stage discussions about repurposing the extensive sticky fingerprint evidence…

Culture Current Absurdities Royals Social

Charles Finally Described as “Brutal”

Judi Online

King Charles Finally Described as “Brutal” — Britain Briefly Pretends This Wasn’t Obvious Since 1983 Palace Historians Confirm: Marrying Diana to Charles Was Roughly Equivalent to Locking a Golden Retriever Inside a Tax Office That Also Happened to Be a Museum of Suppressed Feelings LONDON — Britain spent this week revisiting the marriage of Diana, Princess of Wales and Charles III after yet another royal insider revealed the King “could be brutal” — triggering…

Culture Current Absurdities Royals

Royal Conflict Resolution Plan

Vivienne Pratfall

Buckingham Palace Introduces Groundbreaking Conflict Resolution Plan: Everyone Waits For Someone Else To Become King LONDON — Buckingham Palace announced Tuesday a comprehensive new strategy for resolving internal tensions within the Royal Family, described by insiders as “elegant in its simplicity” and “essentially what we’ve been doing since 1066.” The plan, formally titled Patience, Protocol, and Passing The Problem Downward, requires all aggrieved parties to wait quietly until natural succession resolves the…

America Royals

The iMessage Phase of Harry and Meghan

Tinsel Vandergraph

Leaked Texts, Royal Drama, and the World’s Most Expensive “Seen” Notification The internet woke up, stretched, checked its phone, and immediately decided that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were getting divorced — because of texts. Not wars. Not politics. Not the slow-motion collapse of civilisation. Texts. The kind of existential threat, it turns out, that requires no evidence — only vibes and a WiFi connection. According to a StyleCaster report, the royal marriage…

America Culture International Royals

Sussex Marriage Enters Ninth Year

Harriet Collins

Sussex Marriage Enters Ninth Year, Leaving Professional Marriage Analysts Facing Mass Unemployment 📉🍿 Prince Harry and Meghan Mark Their Anniversary By Continuing Reckless Experiment Known As “Staying Together” LONDON — The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have marked eight years of marriage this week by committing what constitutional historians are calling “the most destabilising act performed by a former royal since Edward VIII chose a divorcée over the Crown” — namely,…

America International Royals

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will visit Australia

Judi Online

Harry and Meghan on the Way to Sydney — Australia Checks Its Exits The Monarchy Didn’t Send Them. The Brand Did. LONDON — Australia has done many things to earn the world’s admiration. It gave us Kylie Minogue, the flat white, and the cultural confidence to wear shorts to a funeral. But nothing — not the redback spider, not Neighbours, not the entire concept of Vegemite — has prepared the…

News Royals

King Charles Admits Ageing Is “Not Ideal”

Judi Online

King Charles Admits Ageing Is “Not Ideal,” Considers Rebranding as Vintage Monarch LONDON — In a moment of startling candour that sent shockwaves through the nation’s orthopaedic community, King Charles III reportedly acknowledged this week that ageing is, in his words, “not ideal,” before quietly floating a bold new strategy: rebranding himself as a “vintage monarch,” complete with improved labelling and a slightly higher market value. According to palace insiders, the proposal…