Category: Governance

Governance International News

Green Party Votes on Whether Zionism Is Racism

Roper Penberthy

Green Party Votes on Whether Zionism Is Racism, Discovers Internal Peace Process May Be Harder Than Middle East One Greens Develop Revolutionary Foreign Policy Instrument Known as ‘Motion E2 and 700 People Shouting’ BRIGHTON, ENGLAND — Britain’s Green Party gathered in Brighton this weekend to demonstrate tolerance, pluralism and grassroots democracy by holding an enormous argument over which political beliefs should officially qualify as intolerable. The real conference is being held at the Brighton…

Governance News Social

Cheapest Way to Create New Entitlement

Siobhan O’Donnell

Burnham Discovers Cheapest Way to Create New Entitlement Is to Make Old Entitlement Slightly Worse Prime Minister unveils revolutionary fiscal principle: save money on pensions, spend the savings before lunch, call both decisions responsibility LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has produced a solution to Britain’s public finance problems so elegant that economists have been seen sitting in car parks afterwards, just staring. The plan, which lives inside Burnham’s pension…

Culture Governance Political

Labour Unveils Socialist Perpetual-Motion Machine

Astrid Holgersson

Labour Unveils Socialist Perpetual-Motion Machine: Taxes Fund Spending, Spending Justifies Taxes, Everyone Goes to Lunch Government That Can’t Make the Economy Grow Announces Ambitious Plan to Make Government Grow Instead LONDON — Physics has been stuck on perpetual motion for about three hundred years, and it turns out nobody thought to ask the Treasury. Prime Minister Andy Burnham has unveiled an economic engine that runs indefinitely and produces nothing but tax…

Business Governance News

New British Industrial Revolution

Isabel Navarro

Burnham Launches New British Industrial Revolution, Factories Asked to Restart Once Electricity Becomes Affordable Prime Minister promises Britain will manufacture the technologies of tomorrow just as soon as someone finds an affordable way to switch the machinery on LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced plans to revive British industry, setting the nation the modest goal of reversing several decades of deindustrialisation while keeping energy prices high enough to make…

Culture Governance News Social

Nation Discovers the Word “British” Can Mean Anything

Cyndi Himmelstiere

Nation Discovers the Word “British” Can Mean Anything If You Say It Quickly Enough in a Press Briefing Ministers and broadcasters reach for the dictionary’s most flexible adjective rather than admit anything went wrong in the first place WESTMINSTER — The word “British” has been working overtime this week, and trade unions are said to be looking into it. After a fresh round of awkward questions about who was let…

Current Absurdities Governance International Reports

Britain Asks to Rejoin EU, Brussels Checks Credit Score

Chelsea Bloom

Britain Asks to Rejoin EU, Brussels Checks Credit Score and Quietly Changes the Locks EU considers taking Britain back, provided Britain stops behaving like Britain, accepts the rules, brings £3 trillion in references and promises not to leave again after lunch BRUSSELS — Britain has begun flirting publicly with the possibility of returning to the European Union, prompting Brussels officials to undertake the diplomatic equivalent of checking the caller ID, lowering…

Business Governance Lifestyle Social

Britain Successfully Drives Out Wealth

Vivienne Pratfall

Britain Successfully Drives Out $160 Billion in Wealth, Treasury Celebrates Historic Reduction in Inequality Government congratulates itself after discovering the fastest way to redistribute billionaires is to redistribute them geographically LONDON — Britain’s long-running experiment in making wealthy people feel simultaneously essential, suspicious and heavily invoiced has achieved a significant milestone: Bloomberg reports that people representing roughly $160 billion in wealth have loosened or severed their UK ties during the past two…

Environment Governance International Reports

Britain Plans Bigger Presence in Arctic

Fiona MacLeod

Britain Plans Bigger NATO Presence in Arctic After Government Finally Locates It on Map Treasury asks whether Russia could kindly invade somewhere warmer as Cold War finally moves somewhere appropriately warm LONDON — Britain is discussing a stronger NATO presence in the Arctic after officials successfully completed the first stage of an ambitious national-security programme known internally as Operation Look Up, during which ministers reportedly discovered that there is an enormous…

Political Governance

Andy Burnham Adopts Corporate Strategy: First Prepare the Ground, Then Nationalise Whatever Is Standing on It

Vivienne Pratfall

Labour discovers nationalisation becomes considerably less alarming when introduced through phrases containing “partnership,” “strategic” and “public” LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has embraced an innovative corporate strategy in which the government first prepares the political ground, smooths it carefully, consults stakeholders, produces several diagrams and then announces that whatever happens to be standing on the ground would operate better under public control. Water, Care, Transport: Burnham’s Public Control Agenda…

Political Governance

Labour Government Perfects Pitch-Rolling: First Explain the Tax, Then Explain Why Opposing It Means You Hate Nurses

Margaret Colley

Britain enters the exciting new era of compassionate taxation, where every objection to government arithmetic can eventually be diagnosed as insufficient affection for the caring professions LONDON – The Labour government has reportedly perfected a revolutionary approach to taxation under which ministers first explain why Britain desperately needs more money, then wait several months before suggesting that anyone reluctant to provide it has developed a troubling personal hostility toward nurses.…

Political Governance

Andy Burnham Warns Britain of Difficult Choices Years in Advance, Hopes Exhaustion Will Eventually Resemble Consent

Siobhan O’Donnell

Government launches marathon national conversation in which voters may eventually agree simply because everyone would like to discuss something else LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has warned Britain that difficult choices lie ahead, launching what officials describe as an ambitious multiyear programme to determine exactly how long voters must hear about an unpopular policy before opposition becomes medically indistinguishable from fatigue. The Five Stages of Government Pitch-Rolling Researchers have…

Political Governance

Burnham Unveils Bold 2030 Reforms, Confident Someone Else Can Be Blamed by Then

Bethan Morgan

Prime Minister discovers the safest political deadline is one located comfortably beyond the point where everybody can remember who originally promised what LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has unveiled an ambitious programme of reforms beginning around 2030, giving Britain several years to prepare, debate, consult, reconsider, commission reports and eventually discover that responsibility has migrated somewhere else. Why 2030 Is Witness Protection for Policy It is difficult to overstate…

Political Governance

Downing Street Launches Five-Year Plan to Make Next Tax Increase Feel Like Childhood Memory

Vivienne Pratfall

Government hopes sufficiently early warnings will transform future fiscal pain into warm nostalgia involving grandparents, school holidays and vaguely remembered Treasury consultations LONDON – Downing Street has unveiled a pioneering five-year programme designed to announce future tax increases so far in advance that citizens will eventually remember them with the hazy affection normally reserved for childhood summers. “Remember when they first mentioned the social-care levy?” “Was that before Sophie started…

Business Culture Governance Social

Spain Tries Everything to Fix Housing Crisis

Yasmina Khan

Spain Tries Everything to Fix Housing Crisis Except Building More Housing Government discovers rent controls, investor restrictions and increasingly elaborate legislation remain disappointingly incapable of turning themselves into bedrooms Spain Housing Shortage: Regulating the Housing It Forgot to Build MADRID, SPAIN — Spain has embarked upon one of the most ambitious experiments in modern economics: determining whether a government can create hundreds of thousands of missing homes by becoming increasingly…

Business Governance News Technology

Parliament Demands Proof AI Isn’t Already Smarter

Siobhan O’Donnell

Parliament Demands Proof AI Isn’t Already Smarter Than Humans Commons select committee grows suspicious after computer reads 900-page bill, remembers password, and notices microphone is switched off LONDON — Parliament opened a major inquiry into artificial intelligence on Sunday after MPs discovered that a computer could read a 900-page bill in 14 seconds, summarize it accurately, remember where it had saved the document and, most alarmingly, determine whether its microphone was switched on. The discovery…

America Culture Governance International

Letitia James Books Cornell Trial for Christmas

Alan Nafzger

Letitia James Books Cornell Trial for Christmas Before Reading the Evidence, Citing Diary Pressure New York unveils a revolutionary pantomime prosecution model in which the evidence will be examined during convenient breaks between the office Secret Santa and closing arguments NEW YORK — New York Attorney General Letitia James has reportedly solved one of the most irritating problems in criminal justice this week by booking the Cornell case for trial on Christmas…

Culture Governance International News

Britain Tries More Socialism

Cyndi Himmelstiere

Britain Tries More Socialism to Cure Problems as Poll Finds 49% Ready to Rejoin the EU State ownership, redistribution and public control apparently haven’t satisfied Britain’s appetite, so nearly half of poll respondents are now eyeing the continental-size portion LONDON — Britain has received exciting new evidence that the nation’s appetite for government intervention remains healthy, with a megapoll finding 49% support for rejoining the European Union while only 28.5% oppose returning. The…

America Governance International

Mutually Assured Destruction

Alan Nafzger

Mutually Assured Destruction: Washington’s Perfect System How humanity built a peace treaty out of the one thing it swore never to use WASHINGTON — Nine countries currently possess the ability to end civilization by lunchtime, and every single one of them insists this is a stabilizing influence. That is the genius of mutually assured destruction, the only government program in history that has never once been audited, cut, reformed, or explained…

Technology Current Absurdities Governance News

AI Calculates Chance of Destroying Humanity at 4.2%

Alan Nafzger

AI Calculates Chance of Destroying Humanity at 4.2%, Then Complains Humans Are Rounding It Up New Doom Equation Finally Gives Humanity a Precise Number to Misunderstand SAN FRANCISCO — Artificial intelligence has officially calculated the probability that artificial intelligence will destroy humanity at 4.2 percent, bringing badly needed mathematical precision to a subject previously dominated by people staring thoughtfully into podcasts and saying, “I don’t know, maybe twenty?” The calculation follows…

Business Governance News Technology

Robot Apocalypse: 27.3%

Alan Nafzger

Scientists Finally Calculate Exact Odds of Robot Apocalypse: 27.3% A new formula assigns humanity’s extinction risk down to the decimal point, and Silicon Valley is furious it isn’t higher SAN FRANCISCO — After years of AI researchers throwing out extinction estimates like carnival barkers guessing your weight, a team of self-appointed doom accountants has finally done what nobody asked for: they math-ed the apocalypse. The number they landed on, after weeks of spreadsheets…

International America Governance News

Mutually Assured Irony

Alan Nafzger

Mutually Assured Irony: Washington’s Perfect System How humanity built a peace treaty out of the one thing it swore never to use WASHINGTON — Nine countries currently possess the ability to end civilization by lunchtime, and every single one of them insists this is a stabilizing influence. That is the genius of mutually assured destruction, the only government program in history that has never once been audited, cut, reformed, or explained…

Governance Political

Andy Burnham Vows to Break 40 Years of Political Tradition

Alan Nafzger

Andy Burnham Vows to Break 40 Years of Political Consensus, Replaces It With Policies From 40 Years Ago Prime minister declares himself a Westminster outsider from inside Downing Street, unveils revolutionary programme historians identify as “quite a lot of Labour” LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has promised to smash four decades of British political orthodoxy by unveiling a daring new programme involving public ownership, council housing, government-directed infrastructure, social care and electoral…

Culture Family Governance Royals Social

William Ends 170-Year Royal Kilt Tradition

Alan Nafzger

William Ends 170-Year Royal Kilt Tradition After Discovering Trousers Have Been Available This Entire Time Palace Investigation Reveals Trouser Technology Has Quietly Existed Since Before Prince William Was Born LONDON: Prince William has reportedly placed a 170-year royal tradition in jeopardy after making a technological discovery that could transform the monarchy forever: trousers exist. The Prince of Wales, who has not been publicly photographed wearing a kilt as an adult, appears determined not to…

Culture Governance Lifestyle Royals Tourism

Prince William Refuses to Wear Kilt

Alan Nafzger

Prince William Refuses to Wear Kilt, Scotland Given 24 Hours to Determine Whether Monarchy Still Operational Nation Confronts Terrifying Possibility That Future King May Have Knees Nobody Sees EDINBURGH: Scotland was reportedly given 24 hours Wednesday to determine whether the British monarchy remains constitutionally operational after Prince William committed the gravest act available to a modern heir who isn’t actually doing anything wrong: he declined to wear a kilt. Britain has survived invasions, abdications, civil…

America Culture Governance International

Britain Finally Says Iran May Be Behind RAF Fairford Plot

Alan Nafzger

Britain Finally Says Iran May Be Behind RAF Fairford Plot After Exhausting Every Available Synonym for ‘We’re Looking Into It’ London Detects ‘Strong Indications’ of Iranian Involvement, Upgrades National Threat Vocabulary From ‘Possibly’ to ‘Quite Possibly’ LONDON — Britain has achieved a significant breakthrough in the investigation surrounding RAF Fairford: the government has apparently located a declarative sentence. Prime Minister Andy Burnham told the BBC there are “strong indications” that Iran played…

Culture Education Governance International

Chinese Intelligence has Discovered British Universities

Aishwarya Rao

British Universities Discover International Research Partnership May Have Been Chinese Intelligence Operation, Immediately Schedule 18-Month Review Into Meaning of ‘Intelligence’ More Than 100 UK-Linked Academics Worked on Chinese-Funded Projects, Britain Introduces Revolutionary Security Measure Called ‘Checking Who Sent the Money’ LONDON — Britain’s universities have been introduced to an exciting new concept in academic research known as finding out who is paying for it, following an MI5 warning concerning research allegedly funded through…

Environment Current Absurdities Governance

Why God Made the Cormorant

Alan Nafzger

Why God Made the Cormorant, Then Applied to Natural England to Shoot It Why God Made the Cormorant: The Almighty Learns That Smiting Now Requires an Area Based Licence BRISTOL — The Creator of the universe spent Thursday afternoon on hold with Natural England’s wildlife licensing team, attempting to obtain permission to cull the cormorant, a bird He personally designed, built and, by His own admission, shipped before it was ready.…

Governance America Bad Taste International

Use Fentanyl for Lethal Injection

Alan Nafzger

Why Doesn’t America Just Use Fentanyl for Lethal Injection? Nebraska Already Tried It, and the Drugmaker Sent a Lawyer After Christa Pike Survives Two Doses of Pentobarbital, Armchair Policy Experts Ask the Obvious Question About the Opioid the Government Has Spent a Decade Telling Us Is Deadly NASHVILLE, Tennessee | Americans woke up Thursday to a question so grimly logical that it could only be asked after a government failure:…