Tag: Westminster

Political International

Burnham Refuses Coalition With Greens Until They Accept Israel’s Right to Exist, Marxist Activists Furious That Democracy Still Allows Politicians to Say No

Carys Evans

Prime Minister introduces radical new Westminster doctrine under which politicians need not surrender their principles in exchange for ministerial salaries WESTMINSTER, 17 October 2026. Prime Minister Andy Burnham has triggered a political emergency by discovering that coalition negotiations are voluntary and that democracy lets one political party refuse to cooperate with another. The constitutional revelation follows the row covered in the New Statesman’s analysis of Burnham’s ultimatum and his announcement…

Business Governance International News

Burnham Demands Brussels Take Responsibility

Alan Nafzger

Burnham Demands Brussels Take Responsibility for Britain’s Failing Economy, Says He Didn’t Become Prime Minister to Be Blamed for Anything Labour’s latest economic recovery plan involves handing Brussels the steering wheel, keeping Westminster’s credit card and blaming the EU when Britain crashes into another pothole. LONDON, 13 October 2026 — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced that Britain’s relationship with the European Union is no longer satisfactory, after his government…

News Governance Social

Andy Burnham Promises to Fix Britain

Alan Nafzger

Andy Burnham Promises to Fix Britain Using the Same PowerPoint That Worked in Manchester Mayor Confirms National Rollout of Slide Deck That Once Fixed a Bus Route Andy Burnham has announced plans to solve Britain’s housing crisis, transport gridlock, and general sense of civic despair using, in his own words, “the exact same PowerPoint deck” that revolutionised bus franchising in Greater Manchester, a claim that has been met with equal…

Political Culture Current Absurdities

Loud Noises ARE Illegal

Vivienne Pratfall

Government Declares Loud Noises Illegal Unless Produced by Parliament The government has launched a consultation to crack down on Britain’s noisiest fireworks, citing the wellbeing of pets, wildlife, and the general sanity of anyone who lives within earshot of a teenager with £40 and a lighter. It is, on paper, a modest and sensible piece of regulation. It is also, notably, being introduced by an institution that produces more sustained…

Political Current Absurdities Social

Britain Welcomes New Prime Minister

Tinsel Vandergraph

Britain Welcomes New Prime Minister, Keeps Old Collection of National Problems Britain has a new Prime Minister arriving Monday, and with him comes the traditional national ritual: everyone agrees things will now be different, while the in-tray on the Downing Street desk remains, structurally, exactly the same in-tray it has been since roughly 2016. Only the nameplate changes. The problems, like a particularly stubborn houseguest, simply move to the next…

Current Absurdities Political

Nigel Farage’s Master Plan

Siobhan O’Donnell

Nigel Farage Announces Latest Master Plan: Wait for Labour to Finish Talking Reform UK has unveiled its master strategy for the months ahead, and after careful review of the leaked internal documents, focus groups, and several pints at a motorway services near Clacton, this publication can now confirm the plan in full: wait. Just wait. Let Labour keep talking. Nigel Farage, a man who has spent three decades insisting Britain…

Business Culture Current Absurdities

British Steel

Chelsea Bloom

Government Nationalises British Steel After Discovering Gravity Also Works Better When It’s State-Owned The British government has formally nationalised British Steel, in a decision so inevitable that even the blast furnaces seemed relieved. After years of watching the Scunthorpe plant change hands, change owners, and nearly change into a car park, Westminster has finally done what everyone from the local council to the Conservative MP for Brigg and Immingham had…

Political Current Absurdities Social

Unashamedly Labour

Paige Shiver

Burnham Promises “Unashamedly Labour,” Britain Quietly Hides Its Wallet Andy Burnham stood before the nation on Friday and did the single bravest thing any incoming Prime Minister can do: he admitted, out loud, in public, without a lawyer present, that he is in fact a member of the Labour Party. Britain gasped. Then Britain checked its bank balance, sighed the specific sigh of a country that has seen this film…

International Governance News

Reform UK Plans Largest Channel Operation Since D-Day

Alan Nafzger

Reform UK Plans Largest Channel Operation Since D-Day, Labour Responds With Largest Excuse Since Last Tuesday No boats within a fortnight, forcing Labour ministers to defend the ancient constitutional principle that nothing useful should happen before the consultation ends LONDON — Reform UK has proposed launching the largest British military operation in the English Channel since the Second World War, prompting the Labour government to mobilise three cabinet committees, seven…

America Governance International News

Trump Explains the Special Relationship

Hannah Miller

The Smaller Dog May Bark: Trump Explains the Special Relationship Using Furniture Bohiney.com — World Desk President Trump has once again reduced 250 years of transatlantic diplomacy to something you’d hear at a dog park, informing new British Prime Minister Andy Burnham that “the smaller dog may bark, but the larger dog controls the sofa.” Foreign policy analysts immediately began arguing about whether this counts as a threat, a compliment,…

America International Political

Burnham Vows to Stand Up to Trump

Caitlin Moran

Burnham Vows to Stand Up to Trump Whenever Britain’s Trade Agreement Permits Sitting Down Prime Minister Promises Independence Within the Approved Bilateral Seating Arrangement LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has pledged to challenge US President Donald Trump whenever Britain’s national interest requires it, provided the confrontation does not disrupt trade negotiations, defence cooperation, intelligence sharing or the special relationship’s scheduled afternoon tea. Burnham said national leaders must defend their…

Current Absurdities Lifestyle News Relationships Social

Women’s Vices Matter

Emily Cartwright

Women’s Vices Matter: London Campaign Demands Equal Access to Bad Habits New movement says equality means women deserve the same freedom as men to gamble, drink, lie about golf and expense a hotel minibar LONDON — A New Front in the Equality Wars Women’s voices matter? Not quite! It’s the “vices” that matter! — Alan Nafzger A new campaign called Women’s Vices Matter has launched in central London, demanding that…

Culture Lifestyle Social Tourism

Catchpenny London

Caitlin Moran

London’s Catchpenny Renaissance: A City That Charges You for Looking By The London Prat | Satire London has always had a talent for turning nothing into something you’ll pay for. Historians call this catchpenny — a word first recorded in 1705 to describe cheap, showy items designed purely to separate a fool from his coin. Three centuries on, the tradition hasn’t just survived. It’s been promoted to national policy. London Council Unveils…

Current Absurdities Culture Political Social

Andy Burnham’s Northern Redistribution Plan

Chelsea Bloom

Andy Burnham’s Northern Redistribution Plan: Ten Absurd Examples Exaggeration and irony, deployed at motorway speed, with a diversion via Rochdale. The Financial Times has argued that Greater Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham should launch a devolution “big bang.” Under Burnham’s own interpretation of northern redistribution, this apparently means shaking Britain by the ankles until everything expensive falls out of London’s pockets and lands somewhere near the M60. Burnham has spent years telling the Lords Economic Affairs…

Culture Governance

MPs Demand Pension Funds “Buy British”

Fiona MacLeod

MPs Demand Pension Funds “Buy British” While Their Own Fund Invests 98.5% Everywhere Else on Earth By The London Prat, Hypocrisy & Portfolio Management Desk Members of Parliament have spent the better part of two years lecturing the nation’s pension funds about the patriotic duty of investing in British business, all while their own £855.5 million pension fund holds a heroic 1.5% in UK equities. The remaining 98.5% is, presumably, out enjoying…

Political Governance News Social

Britain’s New Guide to Political Debate

Isla Campbell

Keep Calm and Carry a Panic Button: Britain’s New Guide to Political Debate By The London Prat Political Desk — filed from a secure, undisclosed constituency surgery with reinforced glass and a very calm receptionist Britain, the nation that gave the world the filibuster, the stiff upper lip, and the sentence “with the greatest respect,” has quietly upgraded its national pastime. Where once a disgruntled voter might write a strongly…

Current Absurdities Governance Political

North Korea Congratulates Labour

Hannah Miller

North Korea Congratulates Labour on Impressive Display of Administrative Efficiency Pyongyang Reportedly Sends Fruit Basket After Witnessing Britain’s Most Orderly Leadership Contest LONDON, England. Officials in North Korea have reportedly sent a congratulatory telegram, a commemorative portrait frame, and a coupon for bulk applause to Britain’s Labour Party after watching hundreds of MPs rally behind Andy Burnham before anyone else had the opportunity to become a serious rival. According to…

Culture Political

Andy Burnham Already Unpopular

Chelsea Bloom

Andy Burnham Achieves Historic Feat: Becomes Unpopular Before Moving Into Downing Street Britain’s Fastest Political Depreciation Since Lettuce Beat a Prime Minister 🥬 LONDON’s Latest Innovation: Pre-Disappointment Politics Britain has once again proven it can innovate in fields nobody requested. According to increasingly weary political observers, Andy Burnham is on track to become as unpopular as Keir Starmer before he has even had enough time to discover which cupboard contains…

Culture Political Technology

Andy Burnham’s Reddit Upvotes

Junglepussy

Andy Burnham Replaces Press Conferences With Reddit Upvotes, Declares Democracy Now in Beta Testing Westminster Reportedly Too Toxic, PM-In-Waiting Retreats to Cat Photos and Karma Points LONDON — Britain is preparing for a bold new era in government, one in which the Prime Minister no longer answers questions from journalists but instead waits for strangers named YorkshireLad1987 and BeansOnToastForever to ask whether penguins have knees. Andy Burnham’s latest Reddit “Ask Me Anything” is…

Business Culture Current Absurdities Governance

Relocate Left-Wing Newspaper to Manchester

Judi Online

Andy Burnham’s First Act of Northern Devolution: Relocate Every Left-Wing Newspaper to Manchester Labour declares Britain cannot truly rebalance the economy until every columnist is forced to complain about the rain from a different postcode. Britain’s incoming political revolution has finally identified the nation’s greatest regional inequality. It isn’t investment. It isn’t transport. It isn’t wages. It’s the embarrassing fact that almost every newspaper editorial demanding socialism is still being…

Culture Governance News

Andy Burnham Announces He Will Solve Britain’s Problems

Caitlin Moran

Andy Burnham Announces He Will Solve Britain’s Problems Just as Soon as Britain Stops Being So Complicated Labour’s new saviour reportedly begins by launching a nationwide campaign to decentralise confidence while centralising optimism LONDON. Andy Burnham has reportedly unveiled the first stage of his grand vision for Britain by explaining that the country’s biggest obstacle is reality itself. The former Manchester mayor insists Britain can be “rewired,” “rebalanced,” and “reimagined,”…

Business Culture Political

Keir Starmer’s Next Career

Harriet Collins

BREAKING: Keir Starmer’s Next Career Officially Declared Missing — Britain Asked to Check Behind Sofa Cushions ⚡ BREAKING NEWS — 22 June 2026 | The London Prat LONDON — It’s over. Keir Starmer has resigned as Prime Minister and Britain is now, officially, on its seventh leader in ten years. He stood outside Downing Street on Monday morning, said the words, informed King Charles III, and that was more or less that.…

America Culture International News

Iran Deal: The Fine Print

Cyndi Himmelstiere

Trump Announces Historic Iran Deal, Insists Everyone Will Read The Fine Print Eventually Iran Agrees Not To Build Nuclear Weapons, Reserves The Right To Pursue Extremely Suspicious Science Projects LONDON —  President Donald Trump has announced what officials are calling a “historic” US-Iran framework deal this week, a diplomatic document so important that several members of Congress immediately demanded to read it before pretending they had already read it. Westminster,…

America Business Technology

Claude Is Now Writing Its Own Performance Reviews

Vivienne Pratfall

Anthropic Engineers Announce Claude Is Now Writing Its Own Performance Reviews, Which Is Either Progress or the Final Warning Shot “We Used to Ask Whether Machines Could Think. Now We’re Asking Why They Keep Booking the Meeting Room for Three Hours When It Only Needs Fifteen Minutes.” LONDON — THE LONDON PRAT In what observers describe as either “the most significant technological development in human history” or “the sort of…

Current Absurdities Governance International News

UK Diagnosed With Alzheimer’s

Alan Nafzger

UK Diagnosed With Brexit Alzheimer’s, Demands Referendum To Remember Why It Held Last Referendum Poll Suggesting Brexit Would Lose Today Sparks Nationwide Search For Memory Care Facilities LONDON — A new poll claiming Britain would vote differently on Brexit today has triggered concern among doctors, historians, and several confused pensioners who distinctly remember spending the last decade arguing about exactly the same issues. The diagnosis is in. The patient is…

Governance Political

Tony Blair Announces Leadership Doesn’t Matter

Emily Cartwright

Tony Blair Announces Leadership Doesn’t Matter, Promptly Becomes Main Character Of Leadership Debate Former Prime Minister Explains Personality Is Irrelevant Using His Own Personality As Evidence LONDON — Britain entered its traditional summer season of political panic this week after former Prime Minister Tony Blair announced that Labour’s problems were not really about leadership, personality, or communication. The nation responded by spending several days arguing exclusively about leadership, personality, and…

Current Absurdities Political Social

Starmer Solves Everything

Alan Nafzger

Starmer Solves Everything by Firing One Guy Nobody Voted For Anyway Westminster awoke this week to the soothing sound of a single, distant chair scraping backward. Crisis, it turns out, has a very specific noise. According to sources who spoke on condition of remaining permanently employed, Keir Starmer resolved the latest Labour turbulence by removing one individual whose name polls suggest the public had never encountered, mispronounced, or Googled. The move was hailed as…

Culture Political Social

Husband of Labour MP Arrested

Margaret Colley

Husband of Labour MP Arrested in Alleged Spy Plot, Claims He Thought “Strategic Briefing” Meant Pub Quiz Night British Intelligence Scrambles to Determine Whether State Secrets Were Leaked Between Pints — or Simply Overheard During a Blazing Row About the Premier League LONDON — Britain awoke this week to the sort of espionage scandal that makes international intrigue look less like a James Bond film and more like a mildly…

Culture Royals

Prince Andrew’s Royal Secrets

AMW

Prince Andrew’s Emergency Royal Secrets Menu: The Alleged Leverage List Nobody Asked For Palace insiders say Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor may possess a vault of embarrassing royal information and is rumoured to consider using it as leverage to avoid further legal jeopardy. According to Wikipedia’s exhaustively updated timeline, Andrew was arrested in February 2026 on suspicion of misconduct in public office and released under investigation — which, in palace language, translates roughly…