Tag: universities

Education UK Today

Universities Replace Philosophy Degrees With Internet Memes, Discover Graduates Can Become Unemployable, Existentially Miserable and Unbearably Annoying in Just Six Weeks

Margaret Colley

Higher education celebrates discovery that centuries of academic confusion can now be delivered through pictures of depressed cats. MANCHESTER, ENGLAND – British universities have announced plans to replace traditional philosophy degrees with accelerated internet meme courses after discovering that students can acquire the same existential anxiety, professional uncertainty and overwhelming sense of intellectual superiority in just six weeks. The breakthrough follows an extensive academic review concluding that most philosophical arguments…

Technology Education Social

Professors Demand Protection for Human-Written Academic Garbage

Harriet Collins

Academic Unions Insist Meaningless Research Must Continue to Be Produced by Qualified Professionals With Pensions LONDON, ENGLAND – British universities have launched an emergency campaign to protect academic standards after discovering that artificial intelligence can produce enormous quantities of questionable scholarship without first attending university, obtaining a doctorate or developing an unhealthy obsession with departmental politics. The concerns follow reporting by the Financial Times on the academic publishing industry’s struggle…

Technology Education Social

AI Out-Writes Professors at Meaningless Research

Caitlin Moran

Universities Fear Technology Could Destroy the Ancient Academic Tradition of Spending Three Years Explaining Something Nobody Asked LONDON, ENGLAND – Britain’s academic establishment is confronting its greatest existential crisis since somebody suggested professors should occasionally explain their research in language understood by taxpayers. According to the Financial Times, academic publishers are battling a growing flood of low-quality research submissions, with artificial intelligence making it easier than ever to produce scholarly…

International

United Arab Emirates’ “No Brain Gain” Policy

Lotte Heidenreich

UAE Announces New “No Brain Gain” Policy In a breathtaking display of strategic foresight that rivals a beachside sandcastle architect confronted with the tide, the United Arab Emirates has unveiled what officials are calling a “No Brain Gain” policy — a bold new initiative to stop sending its brightest young minds to study in the United Kingdom, lest they return home conversing in iambic pentameter and passionately arguing about Shakespeare’s socio-economic…