Harry and Meghan ‘Happy to Be Back,’ British Newspapers Convene Emergency Meeting to Determine Why Harry wants Archie and Lilibet to understand their British heritage, beginning with rain, queues, school uniforms and the ancient national custom of having strangers explain your family to you Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly delighted to be back in Britain, where Prince Archie, 7, and Princess Lilibet, 5, have started the new school…
Government Owns 49% of NATS, Uses Remaining 51% as Excuse Not to Fire Anyone Martin Rolfe gets one week to investigate his own organisation as Britain’s golden share continues its distinguished career as office décor LONDON — Britain responded to another national air-traffic-control collapse with the calm efficiency for which it is famous: more than 2,000 flights were cancelled, hundreds of thousands of passengers were disrupted, and the man running…
Home Office Interrogates Newborn Royal Over Suspected Loyalty to Portuguese Sunshine Leaked Transcript Reveals Infant Repeatedly Refused to Confirm Allegiance to Rain, Queuing or the Shipping Forecast Officials say baby noises were translated using a certified infant-linguistics contractor and a great deal of professional guesswork. LONDON — The Home Office has confirmed that Princess Eugenie’s newborn daughter underwent a standard citizenship-loyalty interview within 48 hours of her birth in Lisbon,…
Algarve Expats Form Royal Support Group, Declare Newborn Princess “One of Us” British Retirees and Digital Nomads Across Portugal Claim Solidarity With Royal Baby, Citing Shared Struggles With Sunburn and NHS Withdrawal Group’s founding charter reportedly includes a clubhouse rule that no member may discuss British weather without first apologizing for bringing it up. LAGOS, PORTUGAL — Within hours of Princess Eugenie’s daughter being born in Lisbon, members of Portugal’s…
Harry and Meghan Reportedly Planning Secret Divorce, Immediately Hire Netflix Crew to Keep It Confidential Confidential separation to be filmed before a live studio audience prohibited from discussing it until the trailer drops LONDON, ENGLAND — Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly considering a “secret divorce,” according to an unnamed source whose remarkable commitment to privacy required speaking to a celebrity magazine and ensuring the claim was distributed throughout…
EU Fines Google €890 Million, Then Googles What That Is In Normal Money Brussels discovers the only reliable way to regulate Google is to search Google for instructions. BRUSSELS, BELGIUM — The European Commission has fined Google €890 million for two breaches of the Digital Markets Act, then reportedly typed “€890 million in normal money” into Google Search before pasting the result straight into its own press release. The penalty breaks down into €460…
Spain Offers Amnesty to One Million Undocumented Migrants, Discovers the Waiting Room Has a Border Sánchez government insists Spain has not been overrun, merely become extremely popular without reservations MADRID, SPAIN — Spain’s government has rejected suggestions that the country’s migration system is overwhelmed after more than one million undocumented migrants and asylum seekers applied for regularisation, shortly before 50,000 to 60,000 people crossed from Morocco into the Spanish enclave…
MADRID, Spain — Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez found himself increasingly isolated Saturday after roughly 50,000 migrants entered Ceuta, apparently mistaking years of progressive political language for practical travel instructions. The crisis, first detailed by Bloomberg and later confirmed in reporting from CNN and the Irish Times, has alarmed European governments that strongly support humane migration policies, particularly when implemented by another government several hundred kilometres away. Sánchez has long presented himself as Europe’s compassionate alternative…
European Union Defends African Border by Asking France and Italy to Look Concerned Ceuta Crisis Ends After Migrants Discover Europe’s Promised Opportunity Includes No Food, Shelter or Ferry Ticket CEUTA, Spain — European leaders declared the continent’s southern frontier “firmly under control” Friday after approximately 50,000 migrants crossed from Morocco into Spain’s North African territory of Ceuta, exposing what officials described as a small, temporary weakness in the border’s land,…
MONTECITO, CALIFORNIA Meghan Reminds Prince Harry Financial Independence Traditionally Involves Making Money Duchess reportedly urges husband to stop treating paid employment as an embarrassing American custom A Yahoo Entertainment report about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry claims the Duchess of Sussex has become frustrated with her husband’s allegedly “snobbish” attitude toward Hollywood, believing he is allowing profitable opportunities to gallop past the mansion without even asking whether they offer dental insurance. The…
Henry VIII Returns to Britain, Immediately Booked for Open Mic Night by Desperate Comedy Promoter An eyewitness account, dictated personally by His Majesty King Henry VIII, transcribed under protest by a nervous stenographer who kept asking if this was “a bit.” I woke up on my own grave at Windsor, which I will admit is not how I pictured my triumphant return to England. I had assumed trumpets. I had…
Prime Minister Promises Tough Words for Trump Following Full Impact Assessment of Tough Words Britain Will Issue Strong Statement Once Treasury Calculates Effect on Exports, Sterling and Canapé Supply LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has promised to use tough words against President Donald Trump whenever necessary, but only after Whitehall completes a comprehensive assessment of whether each adjective could affect trade, defence contracts or the availability of miniature sausage…
The Smaller Dog May Bark: Trump Explains the Special Relationship Using Furniture Bohiney.com — World Desk President Trump has once again reduced 250 years of transatlantic diplomacy to something you’d hear at a dog park, informing new British Prime Minister Andy Burnham that “the smaller dog may bark, but the larger dog controls the sofa.” Foreign policy analysts immediately began arguing about whether this counts as a threat, a compliment,…
The BBC Has Decided Trump Caused Iran to Need Nuclear Weapons and We’re All Just Living in the Chyron Now BBC Blames White Presidents Like Trump for Causing Iran to Need Nuclear Weapons LONDON — The BBC has reportedly discovered that every time oil prices fall, it constitutes definitive proof that America is the real villain. The corporation’s foreign policy desk has spent a considerable portion of the last decade condensing the…
France Blames Trump for Summer Conditions, Demands Capitalism Turn Down the Heat French Marxist Officials Insist Heat Was Much More Reasonable Before American Elections PARIS — French officials have reportedly concluded that this year’s blistering summer is not the result of atmospheric conditions, geography, or seasonal weather patterns. Instead, investigators say the real culprit is President Donald Trump, whose policies have allegedly caused temperatures in southern France to rise to the…
Labour Sends Party to Veterinarian After Strategist Discovers Colony of Political Parasites Living in the Manifesto Experts Recommend Deworming, Strong Tea, and a Quiet Read of Keith Joseph’s Collected Speeches LONDON — Alarm spread through Labour’s senior offices this week after a party strategist described hard-left candidates as “parasites,” accidentally triggering what historians believe to be the first medical emergency ever diagnosed during a policy awayday in a Travelodge conference room in…
BREAKING: Keir Starmer’s Next Career Officially Declared Missing — Britain Asked to Check Behind Sofa Cushions ⚡ BREAKING NEWS — 22 June 2026 | The London Prat LONDON — It’s over. Keir Starmer has resigned as Prime Minister and Britain is now, officially, on its seventh leader in ten years. He stood outside Downing Street on Monday morning, said the words, informed King Charles III, and that was more or less that.…
London Coupons Declared Eighth Wonder of the World by Residents Who Once Walked Three Miles to Save £1.17 Experts Confirm Londoners Will Spend £42 on Tube Fare to Redeem a Voucher for Half-Price Nachos LONDON — Economists have confirmed that London coupons have become less of a money-saving tool and more of a religion, with true believers willing to cross three boroughs, survive two delayed Northern Line trains, and argue…
Iranian Clerics Issue Fatwa Against London Prat Writer After Football Team Mocked Tehran Tribunal Alleges Carys Evans Insulted Islam, Wounded National Dignity and Treated a Scoreless Draw as a Sporting Result LONDON / TEHRAN — Iran’s ruling clerics have issued a religious decree calling for the death of London Prat satirical writer Carys Evans after accusing her of insulting Allah, ridiculing Iran’s national men’s football team and questioning whether coach Amir Ghalenoei’s emotional…
Iran Coach Files Official Complaint That Scoreless Draw Failed to Reward His Feelings FIFA Reportedly Considering Whether Grievances Should Count as Goals LONDON / ZURICH — Following Iran’s scoreless draw with Belgium at the 2026 FIFA World Cup, Iranian coach Amir Ghalenoei delivered a post-match press conference that lasted longer than some European monarchies and left neutral observers wondering whether the sport had quietly introduced emotional scoring — possibly slipped…
Historians Note Medieval Princes Also Preferred Forgiveness With Monthly Payments LONDON — Royal historians, financial analysts and several men currently hiding from their ex-wives have united in admiration this week after reports emerged suggesting that Prince Harry’s latest understanding of family reconciliation begins with the same question millions of ordinary Britons ask every payday: “Has the money gone through yet?” According to unnamed palace observers — and people who communicate exclusively…
LONDON, England. Prince Harry is reportedly seeking financial assistance from King Charles III, proving that no matter how many documentaries, memoirs, podcasts, interviews, Oprah sit-downs, and gently-lit candid photo opportunities a person produces, eventually every family group chat circles back to the one truly universal message: “Dad, could you help me out?” Royal historians say the British monarchy survived the Vikings, three civil wars, the abdication crisis, and Fergie’s toe situation, but nobody…
No. 5 Downing Street Opens is Britain’s First Salon for Politicians Experiencing a Leadership Crisis Stella Offers Hair Styles, Policy Highlights and Emergency Cabinet Trims LONDON — Britain’s political establishment has acquired a glamorous new neighbour with the opening of No. 5 Downing Street, a revolutionary hair salon where ministers can have their fringes trimmed, their grey roots concealed and their electoral catastrophes blow-dried into something resembling momentum. The official government describes 10…
Delta Airlines: We’ll Get You There Eventually, Your Suitcase May Establish Residency Elsewhere London Hub Confirms Suitcase Has More Frequent Flyer Miles Than You Do Delta Air Lines, headquartered in London and operator of the busiest hub on the planet, has reportedly perfected a system in which the aircraft, the gate, and the concept of time itself are all treated as suggestions rather than commitments. Most airlines promise to deliver…
London Time Management: How to Lose a Whole Day Efficiently Capital Unveils Revolutionary Productivity System Based on Delays, Meetings, Apps, Panic and Leaving Home During the Previous Fiscal Year By Harriet Puddlewick LONDON — Time management in London is a celebrated art form, provided you accept that the art in question is losing an entire day with tremendous style. The capital has long been admired as one of the world’s great centres…
Iran Begins Historic Sixty-Day Process Of Doing Absolutely Nothing Tehran Celebrates Successful Agreement To Discuss Whether It Agreed To The Agreement TEHRAN, Iran – Iranian officials celebrated Friday after completing the first twenty-four hours of their historic sixty-day diplomatic initiative, during which they successfully signed an agreement, questioned the agreement, accepted the agreement conditionally, rejected several interpretations of the agreement and cancelled the first meeting intended to implement the agreement.…
Iran Ceasefire: Sixty Days Of Studiously Achieving Nothing Whitehall Hails Historic Breakthrough In Agreeing To Disagree Later, At Length, By Committee LONDON — Diplomats celebrated a breakthrough this week after negotiators reached a preliminary agreement allowing everyone involved to declare victory while carefully avoiding the uncomfortable task of working out whether anything had actually been solved. A Breakthrough Nobody In The Foreign Office Can Quite Define Under the framework, Iran receives negotiations,…
London’s Shodokan Instructor Subdues Violent Assailant Using Balance, Timing And Devastatingly Polite Apology Shodokan Aikido: Ancient Martial Art Offers Rare Opportunity To Be Thrown Across London Without Involving A Landlord LONDON, England – The City of London Shodokan Aikido club has reportedly become one of the capital’s fastest-growing centres for teaching residents how to remain calm while another human being grabs their wrist, disrupts their balance, and sends them toward…
BBC’s New Director-General From Google Promises Public Broadcasting Will Remain Free, Assuming Viewers Don’t Mind A Few Sponsored Search Results LONDON –– The corporation has reassured the public that its proud tradition of independent broadcasting will continue entirely unchanged under its incoming chief, provided the public is comfortable with the occasional documentary appearing slightly higher in the schedule because somebody paid for it to. “Tonight’s Panorama is brought to you…
Russian Warship Fires Warning Shots In English Channel, British Tourists Mistakenly Assume It’s Part Of Portsmouth Maritime Festival LONDON — Holidaymakers along the south coast greeted the sound of live ordnance this week with the calm enthusiasm normally reserved for a passing brass band, having concluded that the warship lobbing rounds across the water was simply this year’s headline act at a maritime festival nobody could quite remember booking. “Cracking pyrotechnics,”…
