Royal Children Turn Down Tom Cruise Over Management Structure
LONDON, England (The London Prat) — Scientology’s attempt to recruit Prince George and Princess Charlotte has collapsed after the children discovered that joining the religion would involve starting at the bottom.
George was particularly offended.
“I’m going to be King of England,” he explained. “Why would I join something where I’m not even assistant manager?”
Charlotte had a more practical objection.
“Who’s in charge?”
The answer did not satisfy her.
Palace sources declined to confirm that any approach had been made. But following reporting about Tom Cruise’s relationship with William and Catherine, our royal desk has identified the greatest obstacle to any proposed recruitment drive.
The children already belong to the world’s most successful hereditary membership organisation.
And it comes with palaces.
George Refuses to Start at the Bottom of Scientology
Scientology teaches that individuals can progress through successive states of spiritual awareness.
George was unimpressed.
He’s already third in line to the British throne. He doesn’t want personal growth. He wants the other two people to finish their turns.
The concept of working his way up through religious levels struck him as particularly insulting.
“How many levels are there?”
“Several.”
“How many before I’m king?”
“That’s not how it works.”
“Then I’ll stay Anglican.”
George also expressed interest in the concept of past lives. If he’d been alive before, he reasoned, perhaps he’d already completed his maths homework. A second lifetime would be considerably more attractive if it came with transferable academic credits.
Charlotte suggested he concentrate on the lifetime he was currently failing to organise.
Enrolment Form, Page Two (Completed in Pencil)
Question 14. Previous religious affiliation.
Answer (G. Wales): Anglican. Christened at the Chapel Royal. Not planning to stop.Question 15. Do you accept that spiritual progress requires sustained effort?
Answer (G. Wales): Define “sustained.”Question 16. What do you hope to gain from the course?
Answer (G. Wales): Fewer questions. See question 15.
Charlotte Wants the Top Job at Scientology
Charlotte’s enthusiasm for Scientology lasted approximately eleven seconds. Nine, if you leave out the time she spent asking for an organisational chart.
Upon discovering that Scientology already has a leadership structure, she proposed replacing it.
She didn’t object to the theology. She objected to the management.
“Why are there so many people above me?”
A Church representative explained that spiritual progress required commitment, study and personal development.
Charlotte replied that she was a princess.
Apparently, the representative had misunderstood the question.
Charlotte’s proposed restructuring would place herself in overall command, George in charge of ceremonial appearances and Tom Cruise in charge of jumping off things.
William would handle public relations.
Harry would not receive an invitation.
Proposed Organisational Chart (Handwritten, Colour-Coded)
| Role | Assigned to | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Overall command | Charlotte | Not up for discussion |
| Ceremonial appearances | George | Must wave properly |
| Jumping off things | Tom Cruise | Unlimited budget, no questions |
| Public relations | William | Asleep during the briefing |
| Biscuit accountability | Charlotte | See above |
| Invitations | Harry | None issued |
Scientology’s E-Meter Meets a Princess With Questions
Scientology uses a device called an E-meter during its religious auditing procedures.
Charlotte immediately recognised a household application.
She wanted to know who had eaten the chocolate biscuits, why George received a bigger piece of birthday cake and whether William really believed nobody noticed when he fell asleep during family television.
The Palace has spent centuries developing systems of accountability. Charlotte has reduced the process to one sentence.
“Don’t lie. I saw you.”
George was less enthusiastic about auditing.
Any activity involving an adult asking questions while holding an electrical device sounded suspiciously like a school examination. He asked whether Scientology offered a version without questions.
When told that personal progress required effort, he proposed remaining exactly as he was.
Which, for a future monarch, is practically a family motto.
Tom Cruise Discovers Celebrity Means Nothing at Windsor Castle
Tom Cruise is accustomed to being the most important person in the room.
He has conquered Hollywood, performed death-defying stunts and spent decades demonstrating that running extremely fast can substitute for a surprising amount of character development.
But Windsor is different.
Tom Cruise enters a room, and people want an autograph.
George enters a room, and people stand up.
Charlotte enters a room, and George sits down.
It’s a completely different power structure.
The actor’s spiritual presentation ran into further trouble when he explained the importance of achieving one’s full potential.
George asked whether that meant flying an F-18.
Charlotte asked whether Cruise could make her brother stop talking.
The actor had performed more dangerous missions with considerably better odds.
Gatehouse Duty Log, Windsor Castle (Extract)
- 14:02 Visitor arrives by motorcycle. Asks for “the future king.”
- 14:04 Visitor informed the future king is at lunch.
- 14:06 Visitor says he can wait. Told that is the system.
- 14:19 Visitor shown into a drawing room. Offered tea. Declines. Offered tea again. Accepts.
- 14:31 Younger royal enters and asks who authorised the motorcycle. Nobody answers.
- 14:33 Motorcycle removed from the East Terrace on the instruction of the younger royal.
- 14:58 Visitor departs through the main gate. Walking.
Church of England Fights Back With Tea
The Church of England, which counts the monarch as its Supreme Governor, was naturally concerned about potential competition.
It has cathedrals, history, magnificent architecture and nearly five centuries of royal association.
Scientology has Tom Cruise.
From a marketing perspective, this is awkward.
Imagine competing for the attention of two modern children when your recruitment strategy involves a 45-minute sermon and your competitor has personally flown a helicopter upside down.
The Archbishop offers spiritual reflection.
Tom Cruise offers a motorcycle stunt.
George wanted the motorcycle.
Charlotte wanted the Archbishop’s job.
The Church of England’s biggest advantage remains that royal children don’t need to be recruited. They’re already enrolled.
It’s the only institution in Britain where the membership application is completed before the applicant is born.
Prince George Questions the Price of Scientology Courses
Upon learning that Scientology offers courses associated with religious advancement, George raised another objection.
“Why would I pay somebody to tell me I’m special?”
It was a reasonable question from a boy whose family has employed people to announce their arrival for generations.
Charlotte was even more sceptical.
Scientology offers spiritual improvement.
The monarchy offers improved accommodation.
Scientology offers greater awareness.
The monarchy offers greater security.
Scientology has celebrity followers.
The monarchy has celebrities queuing to meet it.
George concluded that he already had the superior membership package.
Charlotte wanted to know whether Scientology came with complimentary horses.
When informed that horses were not a standard benefit, she declared the proposal economically indefensible.
Customer Review Left by a Windsor Resident
★☆☆☆☆ Started at the bottom. Stayed there.
Was told there were levels. Asked how many. Was told several. Asked how many before king. Was told that’s not how it works. Went home. Staff were polite but there was no helicopter and nobody mentioned the questions. Would not enrol again. Would stay Anglican.
Four people found this helpful. One of them was my sister.
King Charles Defends the Church of England
King Charles, in the Palace emergency that followed, regarded the proposed conversion as a constitutional headache.
He is not merely an Anglican.
He is Supreme Governor of the Church of England.
That makes religious switching rather more complicated than changing broadband providers.
George suggested a compromise.
He could remain Anglican while experimenting with Scientology on weekends.
Charles objected.
George asked why.
Charles explained that the monarchy was built on tradition.
George pointed out that Henry VIII had changed England’s relationship with Rome because he wanted another wife.
“Seems a bit unfair,” George observed. “He gets a new church, and I can’t even get a new hobby.”
Charlotte offered to solve the entire dispute by becoming head of both religions.
Charles asked whether she understood the theological implications.
“No,” she replied. “But neither does George.”
Palace Declares Scientology Recruitment Effort Over
The negotiations ended after Charlotte submitted her final conditions.
She wanted complete executive authority, a lifetime exemption from religious fundraising and the right to dismiss anyone who addressed her as merely “Charlotte.”
George requested a helicopter, no compulsory courses and a written guarantee that nothing would interfere with his eventual coronation.
Tom Cruise, who has spent 30 years completing impossible missions, had finally encountered one he couldn’t finish.
Scientology would have to find somebody else. Preferably somebody who didn’t already live in a palace.
Invoice No. 0001, Windsor Household Hospitality
Billed to: T. Cruise, Visitor
Re: Afternoon call, Windsor
Item Amount Tea, one pot (declined, then accepted) £4.50 Tea, second pot £4.50 Chocolate biscuits, one plate (eleven missing, audit ongoing) £6.00 Motorcycle storage, East Terrace, 22 minutes £35.00 Management consultation, Princess Charlotte, 11 minutes (rate non-negotiable) £250.00 Subtotal £300.00 VAT at 20% £60.00 Total due £360.00 Payment terms: immediate. Late payment will result in a letter from Charlotte.
The Church of England celebrated its narrow escape.
King Charles returned to gardening.
George returned to preparing for a throne he has not yet inherited.
And Charlotte returned to the job she has been performing for years.
Explaining to the future King of England how things are going to work.
Five Things We Noticed Leaving Windsor
- Tom Cruise has hung off the side of an aeroplane. He’s been dropped out of helicopters. Never flinched. Then an eleven-year-old said “Who’s in charge?” and he looked for the exit. That’s the whole movie, right there. Forget the plane.
- The E-meter is a lie detector you hold in both hands. Every mum in Britain has the same machine. It doesn’t need batteries and it doesn’t need hands. It just needs a look, and Charlotte’s been running that look since she could walk.
- They told a thirteen-year-old he’d have to work his way up. Buddy, he’s third in line for a country. He moves up by waiting. That’s the whole career path. Everybody else in Britain is on a waiting list, too, but his comes with a crown.
- The Church of England’s counter-offer was tea. Tea! Against a man who’s flown a helicopter upside down. That’s not a recruitment strategy. That’s a cry for help with a biscuit.
- Henry VIII started an entire church because he wanted a new wife, and George can’t get a new hobby. Five hundred years of tradition, and the kid’s still the one getting told no. That’s the most British grievance I have ever heard.
Editorial Note
This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Neither has attained spiritual enlightenment, although one has successfully trained a cow to ignore management.
