Palace Says It Does Not Comment on Planets WINDSOR, England — A Buckingham Palace spokesman declined to discuss reports that Scientology has taken an interest in the royal family, saying the Palace does not comment on private matters, or on planets. The second part of the statement followed a letter from Prince George asking who administers Jupiter. The reports trace to a StyleCaster piece of 28 October on Tom Cruise…
Royal Children Turn Down Tom Cruise Over Management Structure LONDON, England (The London Prat) — Scientology’s attempt to recruit Prince George and Princess Charlotte has collapsed after the children discovered that joining the religion would involve starting at the bottom. George was particularly offended. “I’m going to be King of England,” he explained. “Why would I join something where I’m not even assistant manager?” Charlotte had a more practical objection.…
Eton Restricts Prince George’s iPad After Parents Discover £63,000-a-Year Education Apparently Includes Twelve Hours of Minecraft | Britain’s most famous school rediscovers the ancient pedagogical principle known as “stop playing games and go to bed”
Eton Parents Revolt Over Screen Addiction, School Introduces Revolutionary Educational Technology Known as ‘Turning the Wi-Fi Off’ | After centuries educating Britain’s establishment, Eton discovers the router has an off switch
Prince George and Eton Classmates Handed Nokia Brick Phones, Britain’s Future Ruling Class Sent Back to 2004 for Its Own Protection | Elite pupils discover the ultimate cybersecurity system: a telephone capable of doing practically nothing
Eton Locks Down Student iPads After Boys Discover Elite Education Is Much Easier When You Ignore It and Play Games All Day | Centuries of academic tradition defeated by the discovery that homework competes poorly against unlimited entertainment
Prince George Begins Eton, Discovers Future King Still Has to Find His Own Locker Future Monarch Reportedly Survives Latin, School Forms, and the Shocking Discovery That “Because I’m Heir to the Throne” Is Not an Accepted Excuse for Missing Geography Prince George began life at Eton College this week and reportedly encountered an institution capable of accomplishing something centuries of Parliament, constitutional lawyers, and republican campaigners have failed to achieve: treating a…
Prince George Completes Eton Entrance Exam in Record Time, Politely Corrects the Examiners Examiners Reportedly Award Extra Marks After Discovering the Future King Has Solved Questions That Won’t Be Invented Until 2042 WINDSOR — Prince George has reportedly passed the entrance examination for Eton College with such astonishing ease that examiners spent most of the afternoon wondering whether they should simply promote him directly to Head Boy. Palace officials have confirmed only that…
Future Monarch Shocked To Discover Britain Already Has A Constitution And It Is Mostly School Rules Eton Prefects Confirm Authority Derived From Ancient Tradition, Confusingly Similar To The Entire British Government ETON, ENGLAND — Prince George reportedly experienced his first genuine constitutional crisis this week after learning that Britain’s uncodified constitution consists largely of ancient customs, unwritten understandings, confusing titles, and people obeying rules because someone important started doing so in approximately…
2013 – Britain Welcomes Royal Baby as If It Personally Fixed the Economy | George Cambridge Arrives, Nation Pauses Austerity Debate for Several Hours of Uncomplicated Warmth
Interview With Princess Charlotte of Wales A delightful imaginary conversation with the young royal who says she’s happy to be herself, thank you very much Interviewer: Welcome, Charlotte! First question: there’s been chatter online about whether you care that you’re “third in line” not first in line. What do you think? Princess Charlotte: Honestly? I have plenty to do. I’m already really busy choosing my ribbon colours for the week.…
Princess Charlotte Is Not The Spare, She Is The Spark ✨ Every few years, a panel of Very Serious Royal Commentators dust off the same antique theory: life as the second-born royal is a tragic waiting room with better hats. They whisper about shadows, constitutional dilemmas, and historic sighing. Meanwhile, Princess Charlotte is out here doing cartwheels, learning piano, and perfecting the diplomatic art of the polite wave that says, Hello nation, yes…
