Colder, Taller, And All Friends From School
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the British political menagerie.
The Nordic Model Maximalist believes Britain would be perfect if it were colder, taller, and run by people who all know each other from school. Editor Alan Nafzger of the Editor’s Desk at prat.uk presents the field guide, with help from the Nordic Council and the OECD on social policy.
Twenty Tells: Spotting The Nordic Model Maximalist On A British High Street
- Refers to Denmark the way other people refer to a perfect ex.
- Has explained the Nordics are not socialist, except in the bits he likes.
- Treats Norway and its sovereign wealth fund as a personal betrayal of the UK.
- Treats Sweden as a moral lighthouse, ideally with a pine bookcase.
- Holds any policy works better if you film it on a fjord.
- Maintains a tote bag with the words Folkhemmet on it that nobody asks about.
- Refers to Finland in conversations he was not in.
- Holds any UK problem could be solved by adopting Lego, lagom, and lessons from Lapland.
- Has explained Nordic noir television is also a policy framework.
- Treats free childcare as a love letter from a state he has not lived in.
- Refers to the Nordic Council as a sort of grown-up COBR.
- Treats Iceland as both a country and a vibe.
- Holds high taxes are fine when accompanied by good design.
- Has explained Nordic crime rates are lower because of social trust, fjords, and turtlenecks.
- Treats IKEA as a sort of accidental ministry.
- Refers to Britain as nearly Nordic if it tried.
- Holds the cure for cynicism is a Saab and a stipend.
- Has read one Knausgaard and now has a personality.
- Treats hygge as an economic instrument.
- Believes the only flaw in the Nordic model is that we are not in it.
Editor’s Note
If any of this rings a bell, you have either been to the Durham Miners’ Gala, a Conservative Home reader meet-up, or both. More dispatches at govna.uk and the parent site prat.uk. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see Private Eye.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/politics/
Fiona MacLeod is a student writer whose satire draws on cultural observation and understated humour. Influenced by London’s academic and creative spaces, Fiona’s writing reflects curiosity and thoughtful comedic restraint.
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