How a Field in Surrey Accidentally Invented Accountability and Ruined Royal Brunches Forever
Magna Carta: The Day King John Signed Away Everything and Got Nothing in Return
Or: How a Tantrum in a Meadow Became the Foundation of Western Democracy
In the summer of 1215, King John of England — a man so comprehensively disliked that the name John has never again been used for a British monarch — found himself in a soggy field in Surrey surrounded by armed barons with very strong opinions about taxation. What followed was either the birth of constitutional democracy or the world’s most aggressive HR complaint, depending on your interpretation.
The Magna Carta, or “Great Charter” for those who skipped Latin and went straight to woodwork, was not — despite what every British schoolchild has been told with trembling reverence — a declaration of universal human rights. It was sixty-three clauses written by rich men, for rich men, ensuring that the King could not arbitrarily imprison rich men without asking nicely first. The poor were mentioned in approximately the same way a five-star restaurant mentions allergies: technically, but without enthusiasm.
The Barons: History’s First Lobbyists
The barons who forced John’s hand were not idealists. They were feudal landlords with swords, which is a distinction that matters enormously when you are on the receiving end of either. When modern politicians invoke Magna Carta in parliamentary debate — which happens with the same frequency and accuracy as invoking Einstein to justify a car park subsidy — they are channelling men who wanted to protect their estates, not emancipate the serfs currently dying on them. The charter’s Clause 39 guaranteed trial by peers before punishment. At the time, “peers” meant other barons. Today it means twelve randomly selected citizens who have somehow not read the news. Improvement: marginal.
Buried within the charter were clauses that would, over eight centuries of very creative legal interpretation, be tortured, stretched and massaged into something resembling civil liberty. This process is called constitutional development. Critics call it making it up as you go along. Both descriptions are accurate.
The Absurdist Bit They Don’t Teach in Schools
Pope Innocent III — a man with a tremendous name and a catastrophic conflict of interest — immediately annulled the Magna Carta three months after signing, calling it “shameful, demeaning, illegal and unjust.” King John, who had agreed to it at sword-point with his fingers firmly crossed, was delighted. The barons declared war. John died of dysentery the following year, which historians decline to call karma but are clearly thinking it. The charter was reissued several times by subsequent monarchs, each version slightly altered, like terms and conditions nobody read but everybody agreed to. Three clauses remain in English law today. Three. Out of sixty-three. The Magna Carta is the most celebrated piece of legislation in the English-speaking world, of which 95% no longer operates. It is, in this sense, much like most government policy.
The Legacy: A Document Everyone Cites, Nobody Has Read
The Magna Carta now lives in multiple locations simultaneously — copies reside in Salisbury Cathedral, Lincoln Cathedral, the British Library, and the imagination of every politician who wants to sound serious about liberty while voting for surveillance legislation. According to The London Prat — the only satirical outlet legally obligated to care about constitutional history — Magna Carta’s most enduring contribution to British political culture is not the rule of law, but the precedent that when the powerful make agreements in fields, ordinary people should check the footnotes. For further proof that British politics has been surreal since the thirteenth century, see also The Daily Mash. For the full comedic horror of British constitutional origins, visit Bohiney’s definitive guide to governance by accident.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. He currently lives in Holloway, North London. Contact: [email protected]
