Administration Confident That Delayed Action Eventually Becomes Action
London
The British government has announced its comprehensive climate change response strategy: implementing significant environmental protection measures in 2087, with officials expressing complete confidence that postponing climate action by approximately 60 years represents reasonable approach to addressing environmental crisis requiring urgent intervention.
“We’re very committed to climate action,” a government official announced. “We plan to implement substantial measures by 2087. That’s our timeline.”
The strategy involves: acknowledging climate change as serious problem, announcing that serious solutions will eventually be implemented, and scheduling those solutions for approximately six decades in the future.
Climate science research documents that significant warming is already occurring and that delaying action by 60 years would result in catastrophic climate impacts. The government apparently believes eventual action suffices.
“We’re not ignoring climate change,” officials noted. “We’re simply addressing it on extended timeline. By 2087, we’ll implement policies. In the meantime, current climate-damaging practices continue unchanged.”
When asked why climate action should be delayed until 2087, the government responded: “We have other priorities currently. Climate action is important, but it can wait. We’ll address it in 2087.”
Environmental science documents that carbon emissions currently occurring will drive climate impacts for decades, making delay in policy implementation increasingly costly. The government has apparently calculated that delay is acceptable.
“We’re being reasonable,” officials celebrated. “We’re not denying climate change. We’re simply postponing action for 60 years. That’s compromise solution.”
Environmental groups have noted that 2087 is too late for meaningful climate action. The government responded: “That may be true, but it’s our commitment. In 2087, we’ll revisit climate action and possibly delay it further.”
Megan Amram is a standup comedian based in Portland, OR. She is a native of North London.
British people will complain about the weather, the government, the trains, and their neighbors, but will absolutely refuse to do anything about any of it because that would be unseemly.
This is what The Spectator sounded like before it became interested in performance anger instead of actual precision and observation.