Harry and Meghan ‘Happy to Be Back,’ British Newspapers Convene Emergency Meeting to Determine Why Harry wants Archie and Lilibet to understand their British heritage, beginning with rain, queues, school uniforms and the ancient national custom of having strangers explain your family to you Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly delighted to be back in Britain, where Prince Archie, 7, and Princess Lilibet, 5, have started the new school…
Westminster Declares Standing With Pint “Vertical Drinking,” Human Knees Await Licensing Decision Soho discovers British pub culture has become a geometry problem administered by people who apparently drink exclusively in conference rooms LONDON. Westminster council has retained restrictions discouraging “vertical drinking” in parts of Soho, officially transforming standing with a pint into an activity complicated enough to require specialist terminology. The council’s licensing policy favours seated drinking and table service…
UN Warns El Niño Is Being “Supersized,” McDonald’s Denies Involvement World braces for a historic El Niño as television meteorologists order additional red pixels and UN officials race against time by scheduling meetings about racing against time The United Nations has warned that El Niño is being “supersized,” immediately forcing McDonald’s representatives to clarify that the corporation has neither enlarged the Pacific Ocean nor offered customers the option of adding…
Andy Burnham Abandons Pledge to Return Parthenon Marbles, Says His Principles Belong to Previous Administration Prime Minister Completes the First Major Restoration of His Political Flexibility While Greece Is Offered a Long-Term Loan of Burnham’s 2023 Parthenon Marbles Opinion LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has reversed his support for returning the Parthenon Marbles to Greece after government experts discovered that statements made before entering Downing Street are not legally classified…
Harry and Meghan Plan UK Return, Britain Checks Palace Attic for Spare Emotional Baggage Sussexes reportedly consider moving the family back as royal reconciliation acquires school uniforms, security invoices and a production schedule. LONDON — Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly considering a return to Britain, with questions continuing over security arrangements and British schooling for their children, according to The Independent’s coverage of the Sussexes’ possible UK move. The reverse…
Champion of Free Expression Spends £230,000 Suing Its Own Students Into Silence Cambridge sought a five-year protest ban, settled for one, and discovered the “persons unknown” clause is the closest British law comes to grounding an entire student body at once CAMBRIDGE — The University of Cambridge, an institution whose prospectus speaks warmly of “robust debate” and “challenging ideas,” spent much of the past eighteen months in the High Court…
London’s Parks Declared a Climate Emergency, Which Is British For “The Grass Looks a Bit Sad” The National Lottery Heritage Fund has officially declared a “moment of urgency” for London’s historic parks, a phrase that, roughly translated from the original Committee English, means “someone finally noticed the grass is dead.” According to the warning, Britain’s treasured green spaces are facing unprecedented threats from drought, storms, and pests, which is a very…
Spain Offers Amnesty to One Million Undocumented Migrants, Discovers the Waiting Room Has a Border Sánchez government insists Spain has not been overrun, merely become extremely popular without reservations MADRID, SPAIN — Spain’s government has rejected suggestions that the country’s migration system is overwhelmed after more than one million undocumented migrants and asylum seekers applied for regularisation, shortly before 50,000 to 60,000 people crossed from Morocco into the Spanish enclave…
