LONDON: Britain’s housing sales outlook has weakened to its lowest level since July 2023, according to the latest RICS residential market survey. Estate agents have greeted the dearth of buyers by rebranding it as a premium feature: peace, privacy and the rare privilege of viewing a property without another human being competing to purchase it.
Estate Agents Discover Silence Is a Luxury
With new buyer enquiries reporting a net balance of minus 24%, one entirely fictional agency has removed the word ‘quiet’ from its brochures and replaced it with ‘exclusively unvisited’.
The firm’s latest listing is a one-bedroom flat above a takeaway, described as ‘a compact urban sanctuary with integrated aroma technology’. The asking price is the lifetime salary of a primary school teacher plus whatever her parents have managed to save.
A prospective purchaser asked if the seller would consider a realistic offer. The agent replied that realism was a bespoke extra available for £395, payable before a viewing.
Mortgage Rates Become the Third Person at Every Viewing
Higher borrowing costs are making the sums harder for buyers. People who could once imagine a modest semi-detached house now attend viewing appointments mainly to see how the other half of the country lives.
A fabricated Prat poll of 100 potential purchasers found 40 were waiting for rates to fall, 35 were waiting for prices to fall, 24 were waiting to inherit a relative’s bungalow and one was waiting for the agent to finish describing a broom cupboard as a wellness retreat.
The fictional head of a major property chain insisted there was no crisis. ‘We still have more properties than people who can afford them,’ he said, apparently believing the opposite would have been a more encouraging admission.
A Slow Housing Market Is Not a Cheap Housing Market
The genuine data is about weakened demand and expectations, not proof that homes have suddenly become affordable. Buyers are squeezed by interest rates, sellers hesitate to accept lower bids, and renters continue paying somebody else’s mortgage.
One imaginary government adviser unveiled a plan to stimulate the market by putting aspirational photographs of happy couples inside empty houses. The photographs would become more affordable after a further consultation on the affordability of photographs.
A first-time buyer in the Prat’s world offered the most comprehensive economic theory of the day: ‘I can afford the deposit or the mortgage, just not both on the same property.’ The agent said it was refreshing to meet someone with such a strong appreciation for optional extras.
Britain now has an estate-agency slogan for the age: ‘Must be seen, although frankly nobody has.’
More from The London Prat: Read about new protections against leasehold service charges and the UK’s technology-led economic growth.
I am a Lagos-born poet and satirical journalist navigating West London’s contradictions. I survived lions at six, taught English by Irish nuns, now wielding words as weapons against absurdity. Illegal in London but undeniable. I write often for https://bohiney.com/author/junglepussy/.
As a young child, I was mostly influenced by the television show Moesha, starring singer and actress Brandy. Growing up, I would see Brandy on Moesha and see her keeping in her cornrows and her braids, but still flourish in her art and music, looking fly. I loved Moesha as a child, but now I take away something more special from it. Just because you’re a black girl, it doesn’t mean you need to only care about hair and makeup. Brandy cared about books, culture and where she was going — you can do both.
