LONDON: Official figures from the Office for National Statistics show the British economy growing by 0.7% in the third quarter of 2026, with computer-related business services helping drive the improvement. The Treasury celebrated by placing the GDP graph beside a typical household’s grocery receipt, where the graph was immediately asked to pay for the cheese.
Artificial Intelligence Becomes Britain’s Richest Commuter
Computer programming, consultancy and related activities performed strongly. Ministers have interpreted this as the opening of a golden age, although some Britons have yet to notice because they are still calculating whether to turn the heating on before December.
An entirely invented AI consultant reported that his software could prepare a ministerial productivity speech in three seconds. Unfortunately, the speech took three months to clear internal approval and another six weeks to be translated into language a human could tolerate.
The consultant called this a spectacular efficiency gain. His invoice described it as ‘machine-assisted transformative thought leadership’, a phrase apparently designed to prevent anyone asking whether he had done any work.
A Stronger GDP Figure Is Not a Free Lunch
Services output rose while construction fell by 0.7%. Even the statisticians admit an economy contains more than one industry, although political press offices generally prefer to photograph whichever industry has had the best Tuesday.
GDP per person also grew during the quarter. But a national average can improve while families still face high mortgages, expensive energy and food bills that look like the closing stages of a charity auction.
In a made-up Prat poll of supermarket customers, respondents were offered the choice of 0.7% quarterly growth or the return of affordable cheese. Cheese received 100% of the vote. One customer asked whether the dairy aisle could become Chancellor.
Economists Recommend Eating the Spreadsheet
The government is entitled to welcome better output figures. Consumers are equally entitled to ask whether wages, housing costs and public services are improving alongside them.
A fictional bank has introduced the GDP Celebration Mortgage, offering buyers an impressive chart of national growth with every repayment demand. Borrowers cannot use the chart to pay interest, but they may place it on the wall of the home they cannot afford.
By the end of the week, a Treasury official proposed calculating household prosperity in computing units rather than pounds. A pensioner in Leeds responded that his electricity supplier still insisted on the old currency.
Britain has discovered that artificial intelligence can make the economy bigger. It has not yet discovered a chatbot capable of explaining to the cashier why a brilliant quarter for software should cover the cost of milk.
More from The London Prat: Read about the UK’s slowing housing market and Poundland’s rescue negotiations.
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