Buckingham Palace Runs Out of Sugar and People Willing to Argue With Her
LONDON, England — Buckingham Palace has survived wars, revolutions, divorces, abdications and Prince Harry’s publishing career. But the monarchy still faces one threat for which no constitutional defence has ever been developed: Princess Anne answering a question honestly.
The Princess Royal, 76, has once again shown why she is both one of Britain’s most beloved royals and the human equivalent of an unsecured artillery piece. Her latest offence? Questioning the wisdom of shaking hands with members of the public.
In remarks first made in the documentary Queen of the World and revisited by InStyle’s royal coverage, Anne explained that the old royal approach was perfectly logical. Since you couldn’t shake hands with everybody, you didn’t start. She called the alternative “patently absurd,” a phrase that has since travelled further than most Palace press releases.
This is why Britain loves Princess Anne. Other royals approach a receiving line thinking about the happiness of the crowd. Anne approaches it wondering why everybody has agreed to take part in something fundamentally inefficient.
The woman has the instincts of an efficiency consultant, the manners of a cavalry officer and the patience of a farmer whose tractor has broken down while a government inspector explains the importance of agricultural productivity.
Princess Anne Declares War on Royal Handshakes and Unnecessary Human Contact
Consider the absurdity of royal handshaking. A princess arrives to greet 500 people. She shakes 37 hands. The remaining 463 go home disappointed, while the first 37 spend the evening telling their relatives they have touched a woman who once met the Queen.
Anne regards the arrangement as a logistical failure. Why begin something you cannot finish? It’s the same reason sensible people avoid starting conversations with insurance salesmen, joining neighbourhood committees or asking a British politician how the economy is doing.
Royal protocol experts have long maintained that handshaking promotes accessibility and goodwill. Anne apparently believes accessibility could be achieved considerably faster if everyone stopped behaving like they were waiting to receive a complimentary dishwasher.
Under the Princess Royal’s proposed system, the monarch would greet the assembled crowd, acknowledge its existence and proceed to the actual engagement. Estimated savings: 45 minutes, 300 awkward conversations and one emergency application of hand sanitiser. Buckingham Palace could finally operate on time.
Princess Anne Tells Royal Fans to Put Their Bloody Phones Away
Her contempt for modern selfie culture may be even more magnificent. Anne has complained that people at royal engagements increasingly hide behind phones and tablets. She once noted that with the larger tablets, she couldn’t even see the person she was supposed to be meeting.
There is something wonderfully British about this objection. A woman who has spent 76 years being photographed by strangers is now astonished that the strangers have started bringing their own equipment.
Imagine waiting six hours to see a princess, then holding an iPad between yourself and the princess. Anne is standing directly in front of you. You are looking at a screen displaying Anne standing directly in front of you. Civilisation has reached the point where reality apparently requires electronic verification.
A modern royal enthusiast might explain that photographing the meeting preserves the memory. Anne would presumably suggest using the memory.
That is the extraordinary thing about her. She’s not necessarily opposed to technology. She simply expects it to improve human life rather than replace the things humans were already capable of doing. The average royal might smile politely and pose for another photograph. Anne could conceivably ask whether the device has a particularly interesting horse on it, because otherwise she cannot understand why you’re staring at it.
Palace Communications Staff Request Hazard Pay Over Princess Anne’s Frankness
Every large organisation has someone capable of saying the wrong thing. Princess Anne is more dangerous. She has a remarkable ability to say the right thing at the wrong time, which is considerably harder to manage.
Ordinary members of the Royal Family are surrounded by communications advisers who carefully prepare language intended to offend nobody. Anne requires no such service. She can offend an entire committee with a single question about whether its committee meetings have accomplished anything.
An internal communications memo circulated to press staff and obtained by this publication advises aides to “avoid open-ended questions in the Princess Royal’s presence” and to keep all briefings under four minutes. The final line of the memo asks staff not to use the word “handshake” in any email subject line.
A Palace spokesperson confirmed that the household “notes the Princess Royal’s views” and is “not currently in a position to respond to them.”
A palace communications expert would advise that the monarchy is reviewing its public engagement procedures to ensure meaningful, inclusive and accessible experiences. Anne would probably ask why nobody simply talks to people anymore. Both statements address the same issue. One requires a £40,000 communications consultancy. The other requires Anne and approximately six seconds.
In an age when politicians employ teams of advisers to explain what they meant by something they clearly said, Anne continues to operate under the revolutionary assumption that words should mean things. The resulting confusion has left public relations professionals facing an existential crisis.
King Charles Discovers Princess Anne Opposes a Slimmed-Down Monarchy
Anne’s frankness extends well beyond handshakes. In an interview with CBC News, she questioned the practicality of King Charles’s proposed streamlined monarchy. Reducing the number of working royals, she observed, made considerably less sense when fewer people remained available to perform the duties. She concluded that it didn’t sound like a good idea.
This was an extraordinary moment. The King was considering modernising the institution. His sister appeared to be asking whether anyone had bothered counting the employees.
Imagine Charles announcing that the monarchy must become leaner, more agile and ready for the challenges of the twenty-first century. Anne glances at the diary.
“Who’s opening the sewage treatment plant on Thursday?”
Silence.
“Who is visiting the veterans?”
More silence.
“Who’s going to Cardiff?”
A consultant produces a colourful presentation explaining the exciting opportunities created by organisational transformation. Anne requests a list of available drivers. The entire proposal collapses.
She is the only person in Britain capable of making royal reform resemble a staffing dispute at a regional branch of Tesco. And the difficulty for Charles is that she’s not entirely wrong. According to ITV News’s coverage of the monarchy debate, the royal workforce had already shrunk considerably when Anne raised her objections. A slimmed-down monarchy sounds marvellous until the remaining employees realise it means doing everybody else’s work.
Princess Anne Is the Hardest-Working Royal and Refuses to Retire
The Princess Royal reportedly completed 478 official engagements in the most recent annual tally of the Court Circular. That averages approximately 1.3 engagements per calendar day, including weekends, Christmas and every other day when ordinary people prefer not to hear from their employers.
At 76, Anne continues to approach retirement with what can best be described as outright refusal. Most people reach their seventies and start thinking about gardening, holidays and opportunities to argue with television presenters.
Anne has been involved with more than 300 charities, organisations and military regiments, according to the Royal Family’s official biography. She has been President of Save the Children UK for more than half a century. That means she was already doing charity work when many of today’s public figures were still deciding whether they wanted to become famous for doing charity work.
Anne attends engagements without a documentary crew, a carefully managed emotional journey or an inspirational announcement on social media. Her public service philosophy appears to consist of arriving, paying attention, completing the assignment and leaving. This has bewildered younger generations accustomed to receiving public recognition for attending meetings.
A royal aide asked to explain Anne’s performance review would need only three words:
“She turned up.”
Nobody at Buckingham Palace Can Fire Princess Anne
Anne’s greatest advantage is her peculiar constitutional position. She is the King’s younger sister. She is enormously experienced. She is respected. And she has absolutely no intention of applying for another job.
What exactly is Buckingham Palace going to do if Anne says something inconvenient? Send her to a disciplinary hearing? Who would conduct it? Charles?
“Anne, we’ve had complaints about your tone.”
“From whom?”
“Several people.”
“Names?”
“That’s not really the point.”
“Then what is?”
At this stage, the King would probably remember an urgent appointment elsewhere.
The monarchy has rules governing everything from ceremonial seating arrangements to the handling of royal correspondence. Unfortunately, nobody has devised a rule preventing a princess from being right in public.
Why Britain Loves Princess Anne’s Frankness More Than Royal Perfection
The secret of Anne’s popularity is that she appears to have abandoned the exhausting modern business of cultivating a personality. She does not need to be relatable. She does not need to explain how difficult it is being a princess. She does not need to release a documentary describing her journey towards authenticity. She’s already authentic, and anyone who dislikes it can take the next train.
Her appeal is particularly strong in a country where millions of people are tired of corporate language, government euphemisms and politicians who answer every question except the one they were asked.
A survey of 2,004 adults conducted by Meridian Fieldwork found that 68 percent would rather be told something unwelcome by Princess Anne than something pleasant by a press officer. A further 9 percent said they would rather be told nothing at all, and 3 percent hung up.
Ask Anne whether something is ridiculous, and there is a reasonable possibility she will tell you. Ask a politician, and you’ll receive a 14-page strategy document explaining that ridiculousness is being addressed through a cross-departmental consultation.
Anne is the antidote to that entire industry. She has made bluntness seem almost luxurious.
Prince Philip’s Blunt Streak Lives On in Princess Anne
Anne’s father, Prince Philip, was famous for remarks that could send royal advisers scrambling for their notebooks. The Duke of Edinburgh could turn an ordinary conversation into an international incident before anyone had finished introducing the ambassador.
Anne inherited a similar disregard for verbal cushioning. The difference is that Anne frequently sounds as though she has already calculated the consequences and decided the meeting is running late. Philip could produce controversy through outrageous observations. Anne can achieve a similar result by asking a perfectly sensible question.
There is no reliable defence against somebody who is both blunt and practical, especially when the person concerned has spent decades riding horses. A horse weighing half a tonne does not respond to an elaborate communications strategy. Neither does Princess Anne.
Princess Anne’s Olympic Horse Sense Beats Any Communications Strategy
Princess Anne competed in equestrian eventing at the Montreal Olympics, according to her official Olympic profile. This is relevant because horses are among the few creatures on Earth capable of challenging her authority without being invited to leave the room.
She has dealt with stubborn animals, dangerous obstacles, uncooperative weather and decades of ceremonial obligations. A man waving an iPad in her face is unlikely to frighten her.
Indeed, the modern monarchy might benefit from adopting equestrian principles more widely. When approaching an obstacle, assess it carefully. Maintain control. Avoid unnecessary movements. And if the obstacle is a television interviewer asking a ridiculous question, go around it. Princess Anne has spent a lifetime demonstrating these techniques with remarkable success.
The Most Loveable Loose Cannon in the Royal Family
Ultimately, the extraordinary thing about Anne is that her bluntness hasn’t destroyed her popularity. It has helped define it. Britain has plenty of people who specialise in saying pleasant things they don’t mean. Anne offers something different: occasionally saying unpleasant things that make excellent sense.
She may not shake your hand. She may tell you to put away your phone. She may question your committee, your traditions or your brilliantly expensive organisational restructuring. But she will turn up to support your charity, listen to what you’re doing and probably remember the practical details that everyone else overlooked. That’s the difference between being rude and being useful.
Princess Anne has spent 76 years demonstrating that a person can be formidable, impatient, occasionally exasperating and genuinely devoted to public service. She is the royal family’s most loveable loose cannon, largely because nobody has ever managed to install a safety catch.
The King has his crown. William has his future. Catherine has her grace. And Princess Anne has something considerably more dangerous.
An opinion, a functioning work ethic and absolutely no interest in discussing either with the Palace press office.
If Buckingham Palace ever runs out of working royals, it should simply appoint Anne to three more positions. She’d complain that the arrangement was absurd. Then she’d do the work anyway.
15 Humorous Observations About Princess Anne’s Frankness
Princess Anne has spent more than seven decades perfecting a remarkable royal talent: telling people things they desperately need to hear, usually when they’re least emotionally prepared to hear them. She is Britain’s most loveable loose cannon, although calling Anne a loose cannon implies someone could successfully tell her where to aim.
- Princess Anne doesn’t suffer fools gladly. She doesn’t suffer them reluctantly, either. She simply moves past them and considers the matter resolved.
- She thinks royal handshaking is absurd. Her reasoning is magnificent: you cannot shake everybody’s hand, so why start? This is also an excellent argument against answering emails.
- Anne is the only royal who can insult a tradition while participating in it. She’ll attend the ceremony, perform her duties, and explain why half the proceedings are ridiculous before lunch.
- The palace has public relations officers. Anne has opinions. Hers are cheaper, faster, and considerably more dangerous.
- She hates phones getting in the way of conversations. Ordinary royals smile for photographs. Anne wants to know why you’re hiding behind an electrical appliance when an actual princess is standing in front of you.
- Anne treats royal protocol as a suggestion written by someone less intelligent. The trouble is that she’s frequently right.
- King Charles wants a slimmed-down monarchy. Anne has apparently worked out that slimming down the workforce while keeping the workload is the sort of idea normally proposed by a consultant who charges £4,000 a day.
- Her facial expressions qualify as official statements. One raised eyebrow can achieve what Buckingham Palace needs three press releases to accomplish.
- Anne’s idea of small talk is eliminating it. She’s perfectly happy to discuss agriculture, horses, charities and actual work. The weather can speak for itself.
- Prince William and Catherine make people feel special. Anne makes people feel assessed. Both approaches have value, but only one may result in a practical recommendation about drainage.
- She has the temperament of a retired cavalry officer who has discovered retirement isn’t available. At 76, she is still working while younger royals need a communications strategy to open a curtain.
- Royal aides probably dread the words “May I speak frankly?” Anne has never needed permission, an invitation, or a microphone.
- She is living proof that bluntness and kindness can coexist. She might tell you your plan is hopeless, but she’ll probably help you fix it.
- Every royal family needs one person who can say the emperor has no clothes. Anne would additionally ask why nobody ordered him a coat.
- Britain loves Anne because she refuses to campaign for affection. In an age when everyone is trying desperately to be liked, she has discovered that the most effective strategy is occasionally telling people to put their bloody phones away.
Royal disclaimer: No royal handshakes were harmed in the preparation of this report, although several ceremonial committees may wish to reconsider their usefulness. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Princess Anne was not consulted, as she would almost certainly have considered the exercise unnecessary.
Reporting references: The remarks and royal-service details are documented by InStyle’s reporting on Princess Anne’s blunt comments, Sky News on Anne’s opposition to a slimmed-down monarchy and the Royal Family’s official Princess Royal biography.
Oeko Angebot ([email protected])
Princess Anne is the only royal who’d tell you your baby was ugly and then ask what time the horse box arrives. ‘Unsecured artillery piece’ is honestly the nicest thing anyone’s said about her and I suspect she’d agree. Give her the Foreign Office, she’d have Brexit sorted by Tuesday and nobody would dare argue.