London Fund Managers Look Up What STAR Stands For
LONDON, England (Prat.uk) — Fund managers across the Square Mile spent the early part of the week on an unfamiliar task, which was finding out what the Chinese STAR 50 index actually contains.
The answer, according to Reuters, is a basket of mainland artificial intelligence and semiconductor companies that has lost 40 percent of its value in under four months. That is about $480 billion. The index still trades at roughly 100 times trailing earnings, down from a peak close to 250, while the Nasdaq 100 sits at around 30. STAR, for those still checking, stands for the Sci-Tech Innovation Board in Shanghai.
Hugo Pemberton-Hale, head of thematic equities at Ludgate Meridian, told clients on a call that British exposure to the selloff was limited. “Limited,” he said, “in the sense that it’s inside everybody’s pension.”
What a 100 Times Earnings Valuation Means for British Pension Funds
At 100 times earnings, an investor gets the purchase price back in a century. By then the company’s chatbot is expected to have finished the first draft of the email.
Trustees of a mid-sized pension scheme in Leeds were told on Wednesday that their technology holding was “diversified.” The briefing note explained that the exposure was spread across mainland China and Hong Kong. A trustee asked how much of it was AI. According to Goldman Sachs figures reported by Futurism, AI-linked stocks make up 42 percent of market capitalisation in China and 57 percent of turnover across mainland and Hong Kong listings. The trustee wrote the number on the back of a biscuit wrapper and put the biscuit wrapper in his pocket.
The chair thanked everyone for their time. The meeting had overrun by four minutes, which the minutes recorded as “good progress.”
Group Chat, Leeds Scheme Trustees
Graham: Anyone know what a STAR 50 is
Pauline: Is it the Star Wars one
Graham: It’s 40% down
Pauline: Is that the Star Wars one
Keith: Sent the spreadsheet
Keith: Ignore the red bits
Graham: It’s all red
Keith: Ignore the red bits
Pauline: Who’s bringing biscuits Weds
Graham: Seriously though is the pension alright
Keith: Define alright
Pauline: Custard creams
Unitree Shares Halve: The Robot That Lost Half Its Value
Robot maker Unitree listed in Shanghai in August to retail demand so heavy that its share offering was oversubscribed some 8,000 times. Its shares have since halved. The chipmaker CXMT has shed more than a quarter of its value in the past month alone.
Nobody in Watford who bought on the first morning has been told what the robot is meant to do for a living. Colin Aldous, 58, a retired quantity surveyor who put £6,000 in through a trading app, said he had assumed it would at least do the washing up. “I’ve seen the video of it dancing,” he said. “Dancing’s not a job. I’ve been to weddings.”
Railway Mania, the South Sea Bubble and Britain’s Long Habit of Overpaying
Britain is not new to this. In 1720 investors poured money into the South Sea Company, a firm whose business plan rested largely on being the South Sea Company. Isaac Newton, who had worked out the movement of the planets, is reported to have lost a large sum. Roughly 125 years later came Railway Mania, when the country laid track to places nobody wanted to go and shareholders found out afterwards that a train does not run on enthusiasm.
Analysts say the present episode follows the established pattern. A new technology arrives. Everyone agrees it is important. Prices rise until somebody asks for the arithmetic. The dot-com bubble had the same shape, only with more fleeces.
Shoreditch Founders Prepare to Pivot Away From AI
In Shoreditch, founders who spent two years describing their companies as AI-native have begun updating their websites. A coffee subscription business that relaunched in March as an “agentic beverage platform” confirmed it would be relaunching again as a coffee subscription business.
“We’re going back to our roots,” said co-founder Tamsin Keyworth, whose roots date to February. “Customers always wanted coffee. We just hadn’t asked them.”
The company’s former chief AI officer, who joined in April from the sales team, has been reassigned to sales.
Job Advert, Shoreditch
Chief Coffee Officer (formerly Chief AI Officer)
Arch 14, Shoreditch. £38,000 plus oat milk.
We are a fast-growing coffee subscription business. We are not an agentic beverage platform. Please do not raise this in the interview.
Responsibilities: ordering coffee; knowing where the coffee is; updating the website to say “coffee.”
Requirements: two or more years’ experience of coffee, or a willingness to say you have. Must be comfortable with the word “latte.” Previous AI experience is not required and, to be clear, will not be discussed.
We are an equal opportunities employer and a coffee company.
Letter to the Council, Arch 30
Dear Sir or Madam,
I write regarding the occupants of Arch 31, who have taken delivery of a pallet of what they describe as “compute.” It is a pallet. It hums. It has hummed since Tuesday. The occupants say it is “scaling.”
I have lived in Arch 30 for nineteen years and in that time the only thing that has scaled is the rent. I should be grateful if the Council would establish whether a pallet is permitted to hum. I enclose a photograph of the pallet. It is a photograph of a pallet.
Yours faithfully,
Mrs P. Okonkwo-Baird
PS. Their dog has been signing for parcels. I would like this looked into.
The AI Selloff Reaches Britain Without Quite Arriving
Futurism pointed out that China faces pressures of its own, including export restrictions and thin demand, so the fall in Shanghai does not settle what happens in London or New York. Reuters quoted a Shanghai fund manager saying that all bubbles burst in the end. The Financial Conduct Authority declined to say whether this applied to bubbles in general.
At press time the Square Mile had concluded that the matter was foreign, and had gone to lunch.
Station Announcement, 08:15
The 08:15 service to Growth has been delayed. This is due to earnings.
We apologise for the delay to your journey, which has no destination. Passengers are reminded that the next service to Growth is expected at 100 times earnings.
Passengers wishing to alight at Sensible Valuation should use the replacement bus, which has also been delayed. Please mind the gap between expectations and revenue.
Thank you for travelling with us.
Five Observations
- Four hundred and eighty billion dollars. I lost a glove on the Northern line once and went into mourning. These people lose a continent’s worth of money and the word they use is “correction.” Correction. Like somebody’s marked their homework.
- A hundred times earnings. That means if the company turns a profit every single year, I get my money back in a century. I’m not even sure I’m getting my deposit back from the flat in Walthamstow.
- The robot’s down fifty per cent since August. First time anything in this country has gone down in price and not been blamed on the weather.
- “Agentic beverage platform.” Mate, it’s a latte. It’s always been a latte. You’ve been selling me a latte in a lab coat.
- Isaac Newton lost a fortune in the South Sea Bubble. Invented calculus, couldn’t work out his own pension. If Newton can’t manage it, I’m not feeling bad about my ISA.
Disclaimer: This article is valued at 100 times earnings and has never made a profit. Investors should treat it as UK satirical news, not as a pension strategy, however well it performs in Shoreditch.
Oeko Angebot ([email protected])
