Category: News

Entertainment Governance News Royals

Prince William Inherits the Throne and the Family Grudges

Aishwarya Rao

Crown Comes With Castles, Swords and Publishing Contracts LONDON, ENGLAND – Prince William has reportedly discovered a previously overlooked disadvantage of becoming King of England: the crown is hereditary, but so are the family arguments. Speculation that Sarah Ferguson might someday publish a royal memoir after King Charles’s death has prompted an extraordinary theoretical review of the administrative burdens awaiting the next monarch. Ferguson has denied that she is writing…

Business Culture Education International News

Paris Shopkeeper Supports Revolution

Alan Nafzger

Paris Shopkeeper Supports Revolution Until It Reaches Her Shop Activist, 19, Says Destroying Tax Base Will Expand Services PARIS — A shopkeeper who spent years demanding the overthrow of capitalism requested a limited geographical exemption yesterday after discovering that capitalism included her shop. The request was declined, as nobody had brought a map. Standing beneath a smoking awning, boutique owner Colette Marchand appealed to a crowd of student demonstrators to…

Business Governance News

Britain’s £80 Million Risk Programme

AMW

Britain’s £80 Million Risk Programme Rejects First Risk-Taker Westminster hires 6,000 civil servants to teach courage. None of it is permitted. LONDON, 19 October 2026 — Britain has launched an £80 million national programme encouraging citizens to take more risks, after discovering that the country’s remaining entrepreneurs have been recklessly attempting to start businesses without first obtaining government permission to be courageous. The initiative follows an economic argument published by…

Relationships News Social

Scientists Warn Mind-Reading AI Could Destroy Millions of Marriages, Husbands Demand Emergency Legislation Protecting Their Right to Think Absolutely Nothing

Margaret Colley

Marriage counsellors warn that technology capable of interpreting thoughts could end humanity’s oldest relationship survival strategy: keeping your mouth shut. LONDON, ENGLAND – British husbands have demanded emergency parliamentary protection following reports that emerging artificial intelligence technology may one day help computers interpret human thoughts. The demand was delivered on Wednesday by a delegation of eleven men, four of whom had been told it was a trip to the garden…

News Governance International

British Police Arrest Thousands Over Palestine Action Support, Discover Investigating Someone Connected to Downing Street Requires a Different Instruction Manual

Siobhan O’Donnell

Scotland Yard confronts the delicate constitutional question of whether the law applies equally to everyone, including people with unusually impressive Christmas card lists. LONDON – Britain’s police have encountered an awkward moment after the wife of the Prime Minister’s National Security Adviser publicly appeared to endorse Palestine Action, raising the possibility that a law enforced against thousands of protesters might also require consideration when the individual involved has connections to…

Governance International News

Whitehall Demands Background Checks on Everyone Near Government Secrets, Finds No Form for ‘Spouse Has Posted Again’

Camden Rose

Britain’s elaborate security-vetting system can investigate finances, foreign contacts and family relationships, but apparently cannot guarantee domestic agreement. LONDON – Britain’s national security establishment is reviewing the philosophical limitations of background checks after the wife of National Security Adviser Jonathan Powell became embroiled in controversy over comments supporting Palestine Action. How UK Security Vetting Works for Senior Officials Whitehall operates one of the world’s more elaborate personnel-vetting systems. According to…

Current Absurdities Education News

Oxford University Publishes 14 Books Explaining What Philosophy Is, Admits After 2,500 Years Nobody Has Come Up With an Answer, but Tuition Fees Remain Non-Negotiable

Asha Mwangi

Oxford scholars confirm that asking questions is considerably more profitable than answering them. OXFORD, ENGLAND – Oxford University has published fourteen new books examining the fundamental nature of philosophy, concluding that nobody knows precisely what philosophy is, although everybody involved remains absolutely certain they deserve a salary. The academic breakthrough follows 2,500 years of intellectual investigation, during which humanity successfully developed electricity, antibiotics, aeroplanes and the microwave oven while philosophers…

America News Technology

Artificial Intelligence Could Eliminate Every Bank Account on Earth, Wall Street Warns, as Federal Reserve Announces Emergency Plan to Print Money on Paper Again

Vivienne Pratfall

Central Bank Discovers the Dollar Bill, a Financial Technology That Works Without Electricity, Passwords or Asking a Computer for Permission WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Federal Reserve has answered growing fears of an AI-driven financial catastrophe with an emergency contingency plan built around one of the most controversial technologies in modern banking: printing money on paper. The announcement has stunned economists who believed the future of finance belonged to digital currencies,…

News

Cornell Sexual Assault Allegations Spark National Debate, Journalists Discover They Can Prosecute Seven Men and Shame One Woman Without Leaving Their Desks

Paige Shiver

American journalism celebrates its greatest technological breakthrough: investigating an entire sexual-assault controversy without interviewing everybody involved, examining all the evidence or interrupting the afternoon podcast schedule. NEW YORK, October 17, 2026 – The American media industry announced a revolution in investigative reporting Friday after discovering that a journalist can now conduct an investigation, determine guilt, assess a stranger’s sexual morality and wreck several reputations without once getting up from a…

Social Governance News

Labour MPs Promise to Protect Poor People From Losing £20 in Slot Machines, Then Demand a Bigger Share So Government Can Lose £20 Billion Instead

Bethan Morgan

Westminster Announces Ordinary Citizens Cannot Be Trusted With Gambling Money but Ministers Can Be Trusted With the Entire National Economy MANCHESTER, ENGLAND – Labour MPs have launched a campaign to protect vulnerable Britons from losing money in gambling machines, prompting working-class voters to ask why the same protective measures cannot be applied to politicians handling hundreds of billions in public expenditure. According to the Gambling Commission’s 2025 national gambling survey,…

History International News

Britain Abolished Slavery, Spent Decades Suppressing Slave Trade, Now Faces Reparations Claim as Lawyers Discover History Is Much More Profitable When Nobody Involved Is Still Alive

Violet Woolf

British historians recall the Royal Navy’s campaign against slavery while lawyers discover that centuries of moral complexity offer exceptional opportunities for billable hours. LONDON, October 17, 2026 – Britain’s contribution to the abolition of slavery is under renewed examination following Jamaica’s decision to pursue legal clarification of Britain’s responsibility for slavery and its lasting consequences, a move covered by The Guardian this week. The resulting debate has produced a peculiarly…

News Entertainment Lifestyle Royals Social

Fleet Street Investigates Who Told Nottingham to Clap

Bethan Morgan

Royal Press Reports the Applause, Then Investigates the Instructions LONDON, England – Britain’s royal journalism industry has been plunged into a constitutional crisis after reporters discovered that spectators greeting Prince Harry and Meghan Markle in Nottingham had reportedly been encouraged to cheer, raising serious questions about whether newspapers should celebrate enthusiastic crowds, condemn enthusiastic crowds or simply publish both stories and collect the advertising revenue. How the Nottingham Cheering Story…

Culture Lifestyle News Relationships

London Ghosting Epidemic 

Alan Nafzger

Scientists Say 75% of Londoners Have Been Ghosted Ghosters Report Distress, Demand Sympathy LONDON, 18 October 2026 – Britain is confronting an unprecedented romantic emergency after a widely reported survey figure suggested that 75% of people have experienced ghosting, the modern dating practice in which one romantic partner vanishes without warning, explanation or the basic courtesy traditionally extended to someone delivering a fridge-freezer. According to recent reporting on the ghosting…

Social America Education News

New Yorker Defends Woman’s Right to Sexual Freedom, America Discovers Consent Is Not a Lifetime Membership Card With Unlimited Guests

Mei Lin Chen

Nation’s moral philosophers shocked to learn that agreeing to one sexual encounter does not automatically authorize the participation of everyone in the building, neighboring fraternity houses or subsequent graduating classes. NEW YORK, October 17, 2026 – America’s leading experts in other people’s private lives announced Friday that they had located a disturbing limit on sexual consent: a woman who agrees to one activity has not thereby agreed to every activity…

Governance News Social

Britain Cannot Fix NHS, Stop Shoplifting or Make Trains Run on Time, But Government Confident It Can Successfully Regulate What 40 Million People Do Alone in Their Bedrooms

Isla Campbell

Britain’s New National Priority: The Government Cannot Reach Your GP, but It Has Strong Opinions About Your Browser History LONDON, ENGLAND | Britain’s political establishment has discovered a remarkable new administrative ambition: supervising potentially harmful online sexual material while millions of citizens continue their traditional struggle to obtain medical appointments, navigate railway timetables and purchase goods without encountering an automated checkout requesting assistance. The pornography restrictions taking effect on November…

News

Nigel Farage Warns Britain That Rejoining EU Would Destroy National Sovereignty, Reminds Voters They’ve Already Enjoyed Ten Glorious Years of Economic Independence, Declining Living Standards and Sovereign Paperwork

Asha Mwangi

Reform UK promises to defend Britain’s independence, including its constitutional right to manufacture unnecessary paperwork entirely without European assistance. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – Nigel Farage has warned that Britain’s growing enthusiasm for rejoining the European Union threatens to reverse one of the nation’s greatest achievements: the ability to endure economic difficulties under laws written exclusively by British politicians. The Reform UK leader faces a new political challenge following polling…

Lifestyle News

AI Researchers Warn Their Own Technology Could Destroy Civilization, Recommend Everyone Prepare for a Return to 1973

Isabel Navarro

After Decades Promising a Technological Paradise, Scientists Say the Future May Require Rotary Telephones, Paper Maps and Knowing Your Neighbors SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA – America’s artificial intelligence researchers have issued their most unusual forecast yet. Humanity, they say, may soon return to 1973, minus the affordable housing, the cheap concert tickets and any chance of buying a car without a seven-year loan. The prediction follows growing concern that powerful AI…

Governance News Social

Labour MPs Demand 40% Machine Games Duty on Slot Machines as Britain Discovers the Treasury Is the Only Gambler That Never Loses

Judi Online

Treasury Announces New Gambling Strategy: The House Always Wins, Particularly When the House Is Parliament LONDON, ENGLAND – Ninety Labour MPs have signed a letter urging Chancellor John Healey to increase Machine Games Duty on Category B gambling machines, with a 40% rate featuring prominently in the debate. According to SBC News’s October 16 report on Labour’s gambling tax campaign, supporters believe higher taxation could discourage harmful gambling while raising…

Royals International News

King Charles Refers Jamaica’s Slavery Reparations Claim to Privy Council, Palace Fears Every Former British Colony Will Soon Arrive With a Lawyer, Calculator and 300 Years of Compound Interest

Paige Shiver

Buckingham Palace discovers that being king of two countries becomes administratively awkward when one country wants compensation from the other. LONDON, October 17, 2026 – King Charles III has referred Jamaica’s slavery reparations petition to the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council, creating the remarkable constitutional spectacle of a monarch whose Jamaican subjects are seeking a legal remedy for wrongdoing associated with the British Empire. The hearing is provisionally scheduled…

Social News Political

Marxist Attends Dinner Party to Explain Dialectical Materialism, Discovers Nobody Wants to Discuss the Revolution Until Someone Volunteers to Wash the Dishes

Aishwarya Rao

Socialist intellectual demands abolition of private property, then refuses to share responsibility for cleaning the kitchen. ISLINGTON, LONDON – A dinner party descended into ideological warfare Thursday evening when a university lecturer spent four hours explaining why capitalism must be abolished before announcing that washing dishes was an unacceptable exploitation of his intellectual labour. Dr Sebastian Trotsky-Smythe, a Marxist philosopher specialising in revolutionary theory, reportedly arrived carrying three books by…

Culture Family News Royals

Prince William Orders Three Personalised Number Plates

Aishwarya Rao

Prince William Orders Three Personalised Number Plates: NOTYET, NOTHARRY and DISTASTEFUL, Allowing British Public to Read His Entire Personality in Traffic Future King Selects Aston Martin for Waiting, Range Rover for Avoiding His Brother and Bentley for Expressing Disapproval of Almost Everything WINDSOR, ENGLAND | Prince William has reportedly decided to bring back the royal tradition of personalised number plates, after learning that his late grandmother, Queen Elizabeth II, enjoyed…

Culture News Royals

Princess Diana Secretly Drove Around London at Night

Camden Rose

Princess Diana Secretly Drove Around London at Night Looking for Human Companionship, Having Exhausted All Possibilities Within the Royal Family Diana Escaped Kensington Palace to Visit London’s Homeless, Discovered People Living in Cardboard Boxes Made Better Conversation Than the Windsors Former royal press secretary reveals the Princess of Wales secretly drove through Paddington after dark, where ordinary Londoners offered something Buckingham Palace could never provide: a conversation that didn’t require…

Business International News

Zelenskyy Declares Russian Oil Refineries Open for Business

Cyndi Himmelstiere

Zelenskyy Declares Russian Oil Refineries Open for Business, Business Expected to Last Approximately Eleven Seconds Burnham pledges Britain’s full support, Trump watches his Russian diesel agreement go up in smoke, and American truckers congratulate London on its generosity with other people’s fuel money. LONDON, 15 October 2026 — Prime Minister Andy Burnham told Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy at Downing Street on Wednesday that Britain was “behind you and that will…

Culture News Royals

Prince William Finds EVERYTHING Distasteful…

Violet Woolf

Prince William Finds Harry and Meghan’s Behaviour Distasteful, Palace Confirms Future King Has Not Found Anything Tasteful Since 2018 William objects to his brother earning money, his sister-in-law selling jam, and the Sussexes helping the poor, while Buckingham Palace struggles to explain why inheriting £21.6 million is more respectable than working for it. LONDON — Prince William has reportedly found yet another aspect of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s behaviour…

Sports Family News Relationships

Premier League Divorce

Alan Nafzger

Divorced Premier League Footballer Warns Young Players to Find Love Before Getting Rich, After Discovering Wife’s Favourite Position Was Joint Account Former striker says young footballers must learn to tell genuine affection from financial ambition, warning that a woman who loves you when you’re broke is considerably cheaper than one who discovers your personality after you sign for Manchester City. LONDON, England | A recently divorced former Premier League footballer…

Culture News Sports

Manchester City FC

Astrid Holgersson

This is FREE to my friends and readers of The London Prat. FREE DOWNLOAD: Manchester City FC — The Cityad: The Wrath of the Hundred and Fifteen Yes, completely free. No subscription, no paywall, no financial regulations to navigate, and certainly no 115 charges to explain. Consider it my gift to readers who appreciate satire, football, literature, and the glorious British tradition of taking something ridiculous and treating it with…

Culture Business News Sports

Fulham, Tottenham and Bournemouth Compete

Alan Nafzger

Fulham, Tottenham and Bournemouth Compete to Become Worst Premier League Team in History, With Players and Coaches Determined Not to Let Success Ruin Their Season Three winless clubs launch historic assault on Derby County’s legendary 11-point record as supporters urge players to remain focused, avoid unnecessary victories and remember that greatness comes in many forms, including finishing twentieth. LONDON. Three English Premier League clubs have emerged as serious contenders for…

Governance News

Burnham Confirms British People Are Sovereign

Harper Thames

Burnham Confirms British People Are Sovereign, Provided a Labour Conference Veteran Is Present in the Room Prime Minister’s EU reset framework requires voters to exercise national sovereignty under the supervision of an accredited adult LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has told the country that the British people are sovereign, that they will have the final say on any new relationship with the European Union, and that they may exercise…

International Family Health News

Taliban Declare National Emergency as Women Keep Thinking

Isla Campbell

Sewing Classes Become Afghanistan’s Most Dangerous Universities as Underground Schools Defy the Taliban Ban on Girls’ Education KABUL, AFGHANISTAN, October 11, 2026 – The government of Afghanistan has spent five years attempting to eliminate female education, only to discover that women possess a troublesome characteristic: they can remember things. This was not anticipated in the original Taliban economic development programme, which apparently consisted of closing schools, restricting employment, and waiting…

Political Governance News

Burnham’s Budget Bribe, Borrowed in Your Name

Morag Sinclair

Prime Minister Discovers the National Credit Card Has a Surprisingly Flexible Credit Limit LONDON. Prime Minister Andy Burnham’s government faces a delicate Budget problem: promising people immediate relief while convincing financial markets that the bill will eventually be paid. Westminster’s preferred solution resembles taking out a loan in somebody else’s name, buying that person a birthday cake, and asking them to applaud your generosity before the bank calls. Why Rising…