Police Force Mergers: Met Chief Wants 43 Cut to Ten
Sir Mark Rowley wants England and Wales’s 43 police forces merged into ten. London, Kent and Birmingham criminals worry about the longer commute.
Category: News
Londoners Ask Met Police to Find Their Phones
Public says “catch criminals,” Met drafts six priorities LONDON – Londoners invited to help shape the future of policing have submitted an unexpectedly specific proposal: somebody wearing a police uniform should find the person currently using their stolen phone. The suggestion follows the consultation reported by The Voice and has caused concern among administrators who had reserved considerably more space for the word “framework.” The Met’s actual proposal seeks to…
Labour Finds a Socialist Policy Too Extreme for Labour
Labour finds a socialist policy too extreme for Labour after allying with the Greens, who turn out to have policies.
Hannity Finds Hatred Wins Elections, British Left Wants Notes
Sean Hannity finds hatred wins elections, and the British left in Westminster demands to know why nobody told them sooner.
Burnham Finds £450 Million for European Students
Andy Burnham finds 450 million pounds for European students, and British parents in London check their banking apps.
Tube Now Includes Free Hearing Damage
Transport for London adds a free extra to every Underground ticket: industrial noise levels and the hearing damage that comes with them.
NHS Software Sits Unused in 29 Trusts
A 330 million pound NHS software platform sits unused in 29 trusts, admired mainly on spreadsheets in London.
Alicia Liberty and the Royal Christmas
Alicia Liberty and the Royal Christmas Betrayal Columnist Tells Beatrice and Eugenie to Disown Mum by Dinner LONDON, England — Christmas has traditionally been a time for families to come together, forgive old grievances and remember that however embarrassing your relatives may be, at least you didn’t marry them for their money. But Daily Express commentator Alicia Liberty has proposed a remarkable new tradition. Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie should publicly…
Royal Commentary Industry Fears Peace Could Cost Jobs
Editors warn family harmony is bad for business LONDON, October 19, 2026 – Britain’s newspaper industry is preparing for a catastrophic collapse following Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s return to the United Kingdom, amid fears that the couple may eventually repair their relationship with the Royal Family and deprive Fleet Street of its most reliable source of employment since the invention of adultery. The alarm intensified after Harry and Meghan…
Archway Heights: Six Years Behind Scaffolding
Britain’s safest building is the one nobody is allowed to repair. LONDON, 19 October 2026. Residents of a north London tower block have spent more than six years living behind scaffolding while waiting for essential building repairs, after Britain’s building safety bureaucracy achieved its greatest administrative accomplishment: preventing potentially dangerous work from starting by making sure no work starts at all. Archway Heights Residents Wait on Post-Grenfell Cladding Repairs The…
Chancellor Cuts £741 Million From Heat Pumps
Net Zero Told to Wear a Jumper WESTMINSTER, London — Chancellor John Healey has discovered an extraordinary feature of Britain’s environmental ambitions. They become a lot less important when somebody opens the Treasury’s accounts. Boiler Upgrade Scheme Funding Cut Explained The government is reducing previously planned funding for heat-pump subsidies as part of wider Budget decisions supporting defence spending. According to reporting on the £741 million heat-pump funding reduction, approximately…
Scientology Meets the Wales Children
Palace Says It Does Not Comment on Planets WINDSOR, England — A Buckingham Palace spokesman declined to discuss reports that Scientology has taken an interest in the royal family, saying the Palace does not comment on private matters, or on planets. The second part of the statement followed a letter from Prince George asking who administers Jupiter. The reports trace to a StyleCaster piece of 28 October on Tom Cruise…
Cebu Estate Agents Demand Character References
Cebu Estate Agents Demand Character References From Pensioners Sandals now count as evidence, say Home Counties retirees CEBU CITY — Geoffrey Pargeter, 71, retired from Reigate to the Philippines in the spring, and this week he was asked to supply two referees, a utility bill and a letter from his vicar before a woman in a lanyard would let him look at a bathroom. “Two bedrooms, sea view, and apparently…
Housing Ombudsman Hit by Cyberattack
Complaints Body Needs Somewhere to Complain LONDON, England — The British organisation responsible for investigating complaints about housing providers has suffered an IT security incident affecting its own complaints system. This is the administrative equivalent of calling the fire brigade and finding the fire station on fire. Housing Ombudsman Cyber Security Incident: What Happened The Housing Ombudsman’s official cyber security incident statement confirmed unauthorised access involving a third-party case management…
Has the UK Gone Mad?
Has the UK gone mad? London officials say the matter is under review, stable pending review, by the people who ran the last review.
Burnham Tells Labour Dreamers the Treasury Doesn’t Print Unicorns
Left Demands Nordic Welfare, French Holidays and Zero Invoices WESTMINSTER — Britain’s socialist wing has submitted its ideal Budget to Downing Street, consisting of Nordic benefits, Mediterranean working hours and the fiscal supervision of a man who has just won the lottery but lost the ticket. Prime Minister Andy Burnham responded by gently explaining that the Treasury is a government department, not a magical stable where unicorns produce tax receipts…
Eight of Nine Water Firms Fail Environment Test
Ninth Gets Plaque for Basic Plumbing LONDON, England — Britain’s water industry has reached a remarkable milestone: eight of England’s nine major water and sewerage companies either need improvement or perform poorly on environmental standards. The ninth is expected to receive a commemorative plaque for understanding that sewage belongs inside pipes. Environment Agency Water Company Ratings 2025 The Environment Agency’s 2025 environmental performance report recorded 74 serious pollution incidents in…
Government Declares War on Fat, Forgets the Plan
Cabinet Committee Appointed to Eat the Biscuits LONDON, England, 30 October 2026 (The London Prat) — The Labour government has announced a historic campaign to end England’s obesity epidemic, although MPs have discovered an oversight: nobody has said what success looks like, how anyone would measure it, or when any of it is supposed to start. It’s the boldest assault on a national problem since British Rail declared war on…
Scientology Fails to Recruit George and Charlotte
Royal Children Turn Down Tom Cruise Over Management Structure LONDON, England (The London Prat) — Scientology’s attempt to recruit Prince George and Princess Charlotte has collapsed after the children discovered that joining the religion would involve starting at the bottom. George was particularly offended. “I’m going to be King of England,” he explained. “Why would I join something where I’m not even assistant manager?” Charlotte had a more practical objection.…
King Charles Flees to Bahamas Without Camilla
Palace calls it Commonwealth diplomacy; married men call it a holiday NASSAU, Bahamas — King Charles III, 77, who is still being treated for cancer and appears determined to enjoy whatever peace and quiet the British monarchy still affords him, has gone to the Caribbean without Queen Camilla, leaving Buckingham Palace to explain why the world’s most privileged married man suddenly requires several thousand miles of personal space. Officially, the…
British Council Owes £197 Million, MPs Suggest Not Paying
Debt Becomes Cultural Diplomacy WESTMINSTER, London — British politicians have found a financial instrument so powerful that every household in the country will want one. It’s called a loan you don’t have to repay. British Council Government Debt: How It Reached £197 Million The British Council, which promotes British culture and English-language education overseas, owes the government approximately £197 million. Parliament’s Public Accounts Committee now wants ministers to explore converting…
Burnham Goes to War With Economic Reality
PM Admits Ideal Budget Was Ruined by the Requirement to Pay for Things LONDON — Andy Burnham has declared an ideological struggle against economic reality, only to discover that reality has independent auditors, a bond market and a nasty habit of collecting its debts on time. Burnham’s Budget Admission: Global Volatility Blamed for a Smaller Plan The Prime Minister admitted on Friday that his first Budget fell short of the…
Britain Declares Masculinity a Public Health Emergency
Whitehall Orders Men to Stop Having Unlicensed Opinions LONDON, England — Britain has discovered a terrifying new public health emergency. It isn’t cancer, tuberculosis, obesity or the possibility of dying of old age while waiting for an NHS appointment. It’s men talking to other men. According to a report published in The Lancet and covered by The Guardian, the online manosphere should be treated as a public health problem, comparable…
London Men Regret Marriage, Cannot Afford Divorce
London men regret marriage but cannot afford divorce. With a Croydon bedsit at 1,800 pounds a month, property prices now hold marriages together.
HMRC Gives 200 Billionaires Personal Tax Managers
Everyone Else Keeps the Hold Music LONDON, England — HM Revenue and Customs has discovered that billionaires deserve something ordinary taxpayers have spent decades dreaming about. A human being who knows their name. HMRC Wealthy Taxpayer Compliance Strategy Explained The tax authority has identified more than 200 billionaires with UK tax obligations and assigned dedicated customer compliance managers to oversee their complicated financial affairs. According to HMRC’s official wealthy taxpayer…
James Bond Casting
James Bond Casting Goes Live in Russia First actor to bring back the Spanish princess gets the job LONDON, England — Hollywood’s search for the next James Bond has reportedly entered its final stages, with Jack Lowden, Callum Turner and Josh O’Connor among the actors linked to upcoming auditions. According to TheWrap’s October 22 report on the next James Bond screen tests, four candidates have received offers to test for…
Lula Wins Election
Lula Wins Election, Loses Argument With Mathematics Brazil’s Markets Fall 13.9 Per Cent as Ballot Boxes Close and Brokerage Accounts Follow BRASÍLIA, Brazil — President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva won a fourth, nonconsecutive term on Sunday, October 25, proving that Brazil can settle a presidential election without settling the national accounts. By Monday, the country’s stock market had fallen 13.9 per cent and the real had dropped 8.1 per…
Red Means Stop
Spain’s Transport Ministry Discovers Red Means Stop Billions for the Train, a Committee for the Brakes MADRID — Spain’s socialist-led government is working through an uncomfortable discovery this week. A high-speed railway needs more than funding, speeches and a minister in a hard hat posing next to a shiny locomotive. Apparently the trains also have to be safe. The discovery follows Wednesday’s collision near Toledo, where at least 68 people…
Royal Family Halloween Photo
Royal Family Halloween Photo Sparks National Forensic Zooming by Breakfast Buckingham Palace insists there is nothing to see, which is precisely why everyone is looking so closely LONDON — A single family photograph released on the royal family’s official social media account this week was, within roughly ninety minutes, being examined pixel by pixel by amateur investigators comparing shadow angles, sleeve creases and background carpet patterns with the seriousness normally reserved…
Labour Vows to Eliminate Success Before It Spreads
Treasury asks surviving billionaires to stay until the next Budget LONDON – Britain’s socialist left has rediscovered a revolutionary economic principle: every billionaire is a policy failure, every millionaire is a potential investigation, and every entrepreneur is somebody who hasn’t yet received the correct tax assessment. The principle has circulated among progressive campaigners for years, but the latest debate has handed it a respectable new audience. The Financial Times has…