Current Affairs in Lithuania and the World: A Serious Guide for People Who Prefer Not to Be Serious Lithuania is the only country where a man can discuss geopolitics, basketball, and potato prices in the same breath and somehow make it sound like one continuous doctoral thesis. He will cite three sources, offer a counterargument, and then eat a cepelinai the size of a small blimp. The thesis will be peer-reviewed by…
Princess Diana Secretly Drove Around London at Night Looking for Human Companionship, Having Exhausted All Possibilities Within the Royal Family Diana Escaped Kensington Palace to Visit London’s Homeless, Discovered People Living in Cardboard Boxes Made Better Conversation Than the Windsors Former royal press secretary reveals the Princess of Wales secretly drove through Paddington after dark, where ordinary Londoners offered something Buckingham Palace could never provide: a conversation that didn’t require…
Zelenskyy Declares Russian Oil Refineries Open for Business, Business Expected to Last Approximately Eleven Seconds Burnham pledges Britain’s full support, Trump watches his Russian diesel agreement go up in smoke, and American truckers congratulate London on its generosity with other people’s fuel money. LONDON, 15 October 2026 — Prime Minister Andy Burnham told Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy at Downing Street on Wednesday that Britain was “behind you and that will…
Prince William Finds Harry and Meghan’s Behaviour Distasteful, Palace Confirms Future King Has Not Found Anything Tasteful Since 2018 William objects to his brother earning money, his sister-in-law selling jam, and the Sussexes helping the poor, while Buckingham Palace struggles to explain why inheriting £21.6 million is more respectable than working for it. LONDON — Prince William has reportedly found yet another aspect of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s behaviour…
Divorced Premier League Footballer Warns Young Players to Find Love Before Getting Rich, After Discovering Wife’s Favourite Position Was Joint Account Former striker says young footballers must learn to tell genuine affection from financial ambition, warning that a woman who loves you when you’re broke is considerably cheaper than one who discovers your personality after you sign for Manchester City. LONDON, England | A recently divorced former Premier League footballer…
This is FREE to my friends and readers of The London Prat. FREE DOWNLOAD: Manchester City FC — The Cityad: The Wrath of the Hundred and Fifteen Yes, completely free. No subscription, no paywall, no financial regulations to navigate, and certainly no 115 charges to explain. Consider it my gift to readers who appreciate satire, football, literature, and the glorious British tradition of taking something ridiculous and treating it with…
Fulham, Tottenham and Bournemouth Compete to Become Worst Premier League Team in History, With Players and Coaches Determined Not to Let Success Ruin Their Season Three winless clubs launch historic assault on Derby County’s legendary 11-point record as supporters urge players to remain focused, avoid unnecessary victories and remember that greatness comes in many forms, including finishing twentieth. LONDON. Three English Premier League clubs have emerged as serious contenders for…
Burnham Confirms British People Are Sovereign, Provided a Labour Conference Veteran Is Present in the Room Prime Minister’s EU reset framework requires voters to exercise national sovereignty under the supervision of an accredited adult LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has told the country that the British people are sovereign, that they will have the final say on any new relationship with the European Union, and that they may exercise…
Sewing Classes Become Afghanistan’s Most Dangerous Universities as Underground Schools Defy the Taliban Ban on Girls’ Education KABUL, AFGHANISTAN, October 11, 2026 – The government of Afghanistan has spent five years attempting to eliminate female education, only to discover that women possess a troublesome characteristic: they can remember things. This was not anticipated in the original Taliban economic development programme, which apparently consisted of closing schools, restricting employment, and waiting…
Prime Minister Discovers the National Credit Card Has a Surprisingly Flexible Credit Limit LONDON. Prime Minister Andy Burnham’s government faces a delicate Budget problem: promising people immediate relief while convincing financial markets that the bill will eventually be paid. Westminster’s preferred solution resembles taking out a loan in somebody else’s name, buying that person a birthday cake, and asking them to applaud your generosity before the bank calls. Why Rising…
Man Enters Yorkshire Wildlife Park Tiger Enclosure, Discovers Two Million Years of Evolution Left Out the Warning Signs Doncaster incident raises questions about human judgment, natural selection and whether Britain must now explain to adults that tigers are not available for cuddling DONCASTER, ENGLAND — A man entered a tiger enclosure at Yorkshire Wildlife Park on Saturday afternoon, according to CNN, setting off a confrontation between two million years of…
Burnham Has Discovered That Manchester City Interfered With Brexit. Apparently, the Club’s 115 Financial Charges Weren’t Enough. Now It Has to Answer for 17 Million Leave Voters Prime Minister says foreign interference threatens British democracy, unless the foreigners happen to own Manchester City, invest billions in his hometown, and occasionally provide excellent hospitality. MANCHESTER, 11 October 2026 — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced that Manchester City Football Club may…
Britain’s Welfare Bill Heads for £130 Billion as Treasury Unveils “Mutually Assured Dependency” Defence Doctrine Ministers Say Invaders Will Surrender Before Their First Universal Credit Form Is Processed LONDON — Britain’s health and disability benefits bill is heading for roughly £130 billion a year by 2030, according to a Wall Street Journal investigation into Britain’s welfare state, and the Labour government has greeted the figure as proof that the country…
To Hell With Economic Diversity, We’re a Football Nation! Britain Bets Christmas on a £77 Replica Shirt UK retail footfall falls 2.9% and shopping centres empty out, as Treasury advisers confirm that Britain’s last line of economic defence is a Premier League shirt made in a factory overseas. LONDON, 12 October 2026 — A Treasury spokesman stood in front of a room of reporters this morning and set out Britain’s…
East Germany’s famous Trabant proves that a vehicle can be officially affordable, socially guaranteed and approximately fifteen years away from the showroom BERLIN – Historians examining East Germany’s socialist economy have confirmed that the government successfully demonstrated the difference between guaranteeing citizens access to automobiles and supplying citizens with automobiles during their natural lifetimes. The Trabant became one of the most recognisable consumer products of the German Democratic Republic. It…
German Media Group Announces Ambitious Expansion, Notes Newsrooms Would Be Cheaper Without the News LONDON, ENGLAND | The new owners of The Telegraph are reportedly considering cutting between 50 and 100 newsroom jobs, despite earlier promises to invest in and expand the newspaper. According to The Guardian, German media group Axel Springer has been examining cost reductions following its £575 million acquisition. The proposals are not yet confirmed redundancies. Journalists…
The Chancellor Unveils a Ten-Pound Miracle With a Ninety-Pound Catch LONDON. Britain’s Treasury is refining a bold new answer to the cost-of-living crisis: offer taxpayers a small consolation prize while the bigger bill remains in the post. The £10 giveaway and £100 collection are the illustrative mathematics of Westminster generosity, rather than announced Budget rates. That distinction matters mainly to anyone attempting to balance an actual household budget. Healey’s £10…
Government’s central economic plan collapses after consumers demonstrate an alarming tendency to want different shoes, meals, cars and refrigerators LONDON – The National Economic Planning Committee has hit an unexpected snag after discovering that Britain’s population does not share a single shopping list. Officials had assumed that the public’s needs could be worked out in advance through one comprehensive five-year economic plan. Citizens, rudely, kept expressing different preferences about clothing,…
Burnham Demands Brussels Take Responsibility for Britain’s Failing Economy, Says He Didn’t Become Prime Minister to Be Blamed for Anything Labour’s latest economic recovery plan involves handing Brussels the steering wheel, keeping Westminster’s credit card and blaming the EU when Britain crashes into another pothole. LONDON, 13 October 2026 — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced that Britain’s relationship with the European Union is no longer satisfactory, after his government…
Council Refuses Planning Permission for Refrigerator-Carton Extension to Historic Cardboard Box | Officials say second bedroom would irreparably damage traditional single-box streetscape
Westminster Hails Remarkable Energy Achievement as Britain Prepares to Power the Economy of Tomorrow With the Electricity Generation Per Person of Yesterday LONDON, 11 October 2026 – Britain’s Labour government has been presented with an extraordinary economic achievement after new electricity generation figures published by Our World in Data revealed that the United Kingdom now generates roughly the same amount of electricity per person as it did in the late…
Sarah Ferguson Lectures Six-Year-Old Eugenie About Making Terrible Life Choices, Apparently Forgetting She Married Prince Andrew Princess Eugenie’s childhood complaint about uncomfortable shoes exposes the greatest contradiction in royal parenting: a family with centuries of terrible decisions believes it is qualified to offer advice. LONDON — The British monarchy has survived wars, divorces, abdications, financial scandals and Prince Andrew. But according to a parenting anecdote HELLO! magazine revisited on 10…
Government promises to make wealthy people pay more, discovers wealthy people can afford airline tickets and properties in countries where the Treasury has considerably less influence LONDON – Britain’s tax authorities have run into a serious problem with their ambitious plans to collect additional revenue from wealthy residents, after discovering that billionaires are not legally required to stay within convenient travelling distance of HM Revenue and Customs. An analysis published…
Electoral reform promises fairer representation by potentially increasing the number of politicians required to accomplish precisely nothing before lunch LONDON – Britain is considering electoral reform that could make Parliament more representative, potentially turning the nation’s existing political difficulties into a much larger and more mathematically sophisticated collection of political difficulties. An analysis by The Times looked at how British elections might have turned out under proportional representation, including a…
Spain’s housing crisis demonstrates the difficulty of accommodating millions of citizens inside a government promise, regardless of how passionately politicians deliver it MADRID – Spain has discovered that declaring housing a fundamental human right does not automatically produce houses, apartments, bedrooms, kitchens, bathrooms or enough space for a grown man to escape his mother-in-law. The discovery has shocked politicians who believed affordable accommodation could be produced through speeches, parliamentary resolutions…
From free breakfast to guaranteed housing and universal prosperity, the political salesman has discovered an extraordinary business model: take the applause today and let somebody else deliver tomorrow LONDON – After more than a century of remarkable promises, theoretical socialism has been recognised as one of the most ambitious sales operations in political history, offering citizens a complete catalogue of economic benefits without the inconvenient requirement of keeping any stock.…
Workers Party leader unveils remote representation, in which the candidate enjoys all the campaigning and none of the constituents LONDON, ENGLAND – George Galloway is contesting the Holborn and St Pancras by-election without setting foot in Britain, introducing an innovative electoral model that could prove instantly popular with voters across the country. The Workers Party leader has run his campaign from overseas, relying on activists to canvass on the ground,…
Government celebrates record job creation after discovering that employing more people is considerably easier than ensuring anybody produces something useful LONDON – Britain’s theoretical socialist government has announced that unemployment has been eliminated following a groundbreaking public employment programme in which six people are now required to supervise the operation of a single shovel. The National Productive Employment Initiative has created thousands of positions in administration, supervision, workplace equality, occupational…
Downing Street celebrates falling household spending after ministers discover families who can’t afford anything are technically spending less LONDON, ENGLAND – Labour faces the real possibility of presiding over the worst parliamentary period for British living standards in modern times, a remarkable achievement for a government whose entire pitch was improving them. The Joseph Rowntree Foundation has warned that rising housing and energy costs could produce a particularly damaging stretch…
France invites Britain home, and Brussels is already drafting a 4,000-page form to undo the previous 4,000-page form LONDON, ENGLAND – France has invited Britain to rejoin the European Union, which raises the thrilling prospect of a country spending another decade arguing about whether to reverse the decade it spent arguing about leaving. French finance minister Roland Lescure welcomed Prime Minister Andy Burnham’s willingness to reconsider Britain’s relationship with Brussels,…
