Lula Wins Election, Loses Argument With Mathematics Brazil’s Markets Fall 13.9 Per Cent as Ballot Boxes Close and Brokerage Accounts Follow BRASÍLIA, Brazil — President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva won a fourth, nonconsecutive term on Sunday, October 25, proving that Brazil can settle a presidential election without settling the national accounts. By Monday, the country’s stock market had fallen 13.9 per cent and the real had dropped 8.1 per…
Spain’s Transport Ministry Discovers Red Means Stop Billions for the Train, a Committee for the Brakes MADRID — Spain’s socialist-led government is working through an uncomfortable discovery this week. A high-speed railway needs more than funding, speeches and a minister in a hard hat posing next to a shiny locomotive. Apparently the trains also have to be safe. The discovery follows Wednesday’s collision near Toledo, where at least 68 people…
Cebu Estate Agents Demand Character References From Pensioners Sandals now count as evidence, say Home Counties retirees CEBU CITY — Geoffrey Pargeter, 71, retired from Reigate to the Philippines in the spring, and this week he was asked to supply two referees, a utility bill and a letter from his vicar before a woman in a lanyard would let him look at a bathroom. “Two bedrooms, sea view, and apparently…
Britain once powered the factories of the world. Today, its greatest industrial achievement is asking Paris whether it has a spare electricity socket. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – Britain, the country that helped launch the Industrial Revolution, has achieved another historic milestone by seeking emergency electricity assistance from France while spending nearly £50 million in a single day stabilising its domestic power system. From Industrial Revolution to Importing Electricity Historians…
Treasury asks surviving billionaires to stay until the next Budget LONDON – Britain’s socialist left has rediscovered a revolutionary economic principle: every billionaire is a policy failure, every millionaire is a potential investigation, and every entrepreneur is somebody who hasn’t yet received the correct tax assessment. The principle has circulated among progressive campaigners for years, but the latest debate has handed it a respectable new audience. The Financial Times has…
Public says “catch criminals,” Met drafts six priorities LONDON – Londoners invited to help shape the future of policing have submitted an unexpectedly specific proposal: somebody wearing a police uniform should find the person currently using their stolen phone. The suggestion follows the consultation reported by The Voice and has caused concern among administrators who had reserved considerably more space for the word “framework.” The Met’s actual proposal seeks to…
Marx, Lenin, Mao and Castro Charge Paris Revolution to French Taxpayers Elderly communists fuel Sorbonne uprising with government credit card PARIS, FRANCE, October 23, 2026 — French taxpayers have discovered that the latest revolution against capitalism is being financed by the very economic system its supporters are attempting to destroy, following the appearance of four elderly communist revolutionaries at a petrol station near the Sorbonne carrying a government expense account,…
Petrol Costs More Than the Revolution PARIS – A revolutionary collective has postponed the destruction of the established order after arriving at the Eiffel Tower with matches and discovering that France’s ruling classes had anticipated the uprising by building their landmark out of iron. The Committee for Immediate Structural Change described the setback as “a troubling example of infrastructure refusing to engage with legitimate grievances.” Its emergency statement demanded a…
Subtraction Reclassified as Austerity PARIS – A gathering of French socialist policy strategists has concluded that the welfare state can expand indefinitely, provided discussion remains focused on what people deserve and never deteriorates into how payments clear. The finding emerged from a three-day conference on universal provision, funded by an organisation whose treasurer spent most of the event looking for someone willing to approve the catering bill. “Every additional promise…
Emergency meeting agrees somebody must pay, with no say over the spending LONDON – The closure announcement from The Canary has prompted urgent discussions about why a capitalist economy has failed to guarantee the continued operation of a publication devoted to pointing out its failings. Activists said the situation raised serious questions about a system in which criticising the owners of capital doesn’t automatically produce enough capital. Why is The…
Downing Street unveils ambitious programme to restore British prosperity by changing the subject, reopening negotiations and asking Europe to explain why Labour cannot run Britain. LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has discovered a revolutionary solution to Britain’s economic difficulties: blame Brexit for absolutely everything, including problems Labour has not yet had time to create. The breakthrough follows renewed discussion of Britain’s possible return to the European Union, with polling suggesting…
Scholars cheer the discovery; schoolchildren spot extra homework STRATFORD-UPON-AVON – Schoolchildren have demanded a second opinion after scholars concluded that William Shakespeare was the principal author of Edward III, threatening to widen the supply of material from which adults can extract a difficult homework assignment. Pupils said they backed literary discovery in principle but wondered why it always ended in more reading for them. Did Shakespeare write Edward III? What…
Kremlin promises impartiality, provided the referee arrives in a tank MOSCOW – The Kremlin has unveiled a streamlined model of dispute resolution in which the person responsible for the dispute also chairs the meeting, drafts the settlement and explains why the injured party is making everything unnecessarily personal. Under the arrangement, Vladimir Putin would bring a uniquely comprehensive understanding of the problem, having taken part extensively in creating it. Officials…
Editors warn family harmony is bad for business LONDON, October 19, 2026 – Britain’s newspaper industry is preparing for a catastrophic collapse following Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s return to the United Kingdom, amid fears that the couple may eventually repair their relationship with the Royal Family and deprive Fleet Street of its most reliable source of employment since the invention of adultery. The alarm intensified after Harry and Meghan…
French Taxpayers Discover That Destroying Public Property to Demand More Public Spending Is Apparently a Recognised Economic Development Strategy PARIS, FRANCE. France’s taxpayers have been informed that the latest movement demanding greater government spending on education has also generated millions of euros in damage to educational facilities. The news is a remarkable development in the country’s long tradition of using public property to demonstrate dissatisfaction with public administration. According to…
Drivers who know every street in London missed the road to the courthouse. LONDON, 19 October 2026. London’s black cab drivers have lost their £340 million legal battle against Uber after the High Court ruled they had brought their case too late, establishing the legal principle that a London taxi driver can spend years explaining why the journey is taking longer, but a judge will eventually switch off the meter.…
Counsellors declare man’s best friend the last emotionally available male LONDON, ENGLAND – Britain’s relationship experts have concluded that modern dating may have reached its final stage after finding that growing numbers of singles would rather spend Saturday evening with a dog than another adult human being. The findings follow the latest collection of Tinder and Bumble horrors, where romantic hopefuls show that technology has let mankind communicate instantly across…
Royal Press Short of Unnamed Sources LONDON | Britain’s royal press is facing an unprecedented staffing crisis after Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s anonymous friends reportedly supplied so many briefings about the couple that newspapers began running dangerously low on people willing to be described as close sources. The emergency follows The Times’ examination of anonymous Sussex briefings, which discussed claims about the couple’s public engagements, royal status and Meghan’s…
British Banks Discover the Cloud Is a Building Banks meet an unexpected dependency on the plug LONDON — Britain’s banking industry received an unscheduled introduction to physical reality on Tuesday after a power problem disrupted Google Cloud’s London infrastructure, demonstrating that the cloud remains subject to several disappointing terrestrial conditions, including electricity. Google’s incident report identified an outage in its europe-west2-b zone and said services were recovering after the power…
Revolut Says Your Money Is Safe From You Outage delivers compulsory saving to customers LONDON — Revolut customers encountered an unusually comprehensive savings mechanism on Tuesday when service disruption affected functions including card payments and cash withdrawals. The bank assured customers that their money and data were safe, establishing a distinction between possessing money and being permitted to do anything useful with it. The disruption was linked to Google Cloud’s…
Crown Comes With Castles, Swords and Publishing Contracts LONDON, ENGLAND – Prince William has reportedly discovered a previously overlooked disadvantage of becoming King of England: the crown is hereditary, but so are the family arguments. Speculation that Sarah Ferguson might someday publish a royal memoir after King Charles’s death has prompted an extraordinary theoretical review of the administrative burdens awaiting the next monarch. Ferguson has denied that she is writing…
Paris Shopkeeper Supports Revolution Until It Reaches Her Shop Activist, 19, Says Destroying Tax Base Will Expand Services PARIS — A shopkeeper who spent years demanding the overthrow of capitalism requested a limited geographical exemption yesterday after discovering that capitalism included her shop. The request was declined, as nobody had brought a map. Standing beneath a smoking awning, boutique owner Colette Marchand appealed to a crowd of student demonstrators to…
Britain’s £80 Million Risk Programme Rejects First Risk-Taker Westminster hires 6,000 civil servants to teach courage. None of it is permitted. LONDON, 19 October 2026 — Britain has launched an £80 million national programme encouraging citizens to take more risks, after discovering that the country’s remaining entrepreneurs have been recklessly attempting to start businesses without first obtaining government permission to be courageous. The initiative follows an economic argument published by…
Researchers in the East Midlands say their eighteen-month inquiry into why people wear what they wear to the gym ended with a conclusion that nobody in the current national argument had budgeted for. LEICESTER, 17 October 2026 – A university research team has concluded that a person can choose gym clothing because it is comfortable and because they like how it looks, in some cases at the same moment, a…
Net Zero planners celebrate the invention of renewable electricity, then discover Britain forgot the part where electricity travels through cables. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – Britain’s ambitious energy transition has encountered an unexpected scientific complication after government planners discovered that electricity generated in Scotland does not automatically appear inside a toaster in Surrey. The £150 Billion National Grid Upgrade The revelation has prompted an enormous national infrastructure programme, with power-network…
Labour’s national security policy encounters the traditional Westminster problem of applying general principles to particular acquaintances. LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham’s government faces fresh questions about consistency after the wife of National Security Adviser Jonathan Powell appeared to express support for Palestine Action, a proscribed organisation whose supporters have faced thousands of arrests. Labour Faces Questions Over Consistent Application of Terrorism Law The controversy has presented Labour with a…
Left-wing campaigners argue electricity is a human right, while Treasury officials investigate whether nationalising the losses might finally make socialism economically competitive. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – Britain’s socialist movement has demanded urgent public ownership of the electricity system after discovering that the country’s increasingly expensive grid balancing arrangements allow private operators to receive substantial payments while households struggle with their energy bills. Why Socialists Want the Electricity Grid Nationalised…
Wall Street Demands Protection From Machines That Can Commit Financial Catastrophes Without Charging a Commission NEW YORK, NEW YORK – America’s banking industry has declared artificial intelligence a possible threat to the global financial system after researchers warned that advanced computer systems could be used in cyberattacks against financial institutions. Executives are especially worried that machines may soon move enormous sums of money with no human supervision. For an industry…
Royal Air Force pilots discover that the most reliable surveillance technology in modern Britain remains two functioning eyeballs and the ability to shout something unprintable. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – Britain’s Royal Air Force has suffered a humiliating technological revelation after pilots encountered unidentified flying objects over the North Sea that apparently escaped radar detection, forcing highly trained military aviators to employ the revolutionary defensive technique known as looking out…
Marriage counsellors warn that technology capable of interpreting thoughts could end humanity’s oldest relationship survival strategy: keeping your mouth shut. LONDON, ENGLAND – British husbands have demanded emergency parliamentary protection following reports that emerging artificial intelligence technology may one day help computers interpret human thoughts. The demand was delivered on Wednesday by a delegation of eleven men, four of whom had been told it was a trip to the garden…
