Petrol Costs More Than the Revolution PARIS - A revolutionary collective has postponed the destruction of the established order after arriving at the Eiffel Tower with matches and discovering that France's ruling classes had anticipated the uprising by building their landmark out of iron. The Committee for Immediate Structural Change described the setback as "a troubling example of infrastructure refusing to engage with legitimate grievances." Its emergency statement demanded a public inquiry into why the monument had been allowed to remain standing after participants had clearly communicated their opposition. "We said burn down the system," explained committee spokesperson Lucien Pétard. "Nobody mentioned that the system would require specialist knowledge." Committee Rejects Expertise on Equality Grounds A coffee seller working near the tower, an engineer who had emigrated from Africa, offered to explain how the structure was built. "I'm an engineer," he said. "It takes about ten minutes. Please stop presenting your inability to organise an afternoon as a principled position." The committee declined because expertise would give him disproportionate influence. Its spokesperson subsequently announced that qualifications were now confidential. "We welcome every background," Lucien explained. "What we cannot accommodate is somebody arriving with relevant qualifications and making the rest of us look like we should have read something first." Six-Hour Planning Meeting Skipped the Puddled Iron [caption id="attachment_54041" align="alignright" width="640"]…
Subtraction Reclassified as Austerity PARIS - A gathering of French socialist policy strategists has concluded that the welfare state can expand indefinitely, provided discussion remains focused on what people deserve and never deteriorates into how payments clear. The finding emerged from a three-day conference on universal provision, funded by an organisation whose treasurer spent most of the event looking for someone willing to approve the catering bill. "Every additional promise is an investment," declared economic spokesman Philippe Renaud. "Therefore, the more we promise, the richer we become. Frankly, our only mistake has been excessive restraint with the microphone." French Welfare State Spending Plan Assumes the Rich Stay Rich and Stay Put [caption id="attachment_54037" align="alignright" width="640"] Parisian Welfare Machine Forever [/caption] The conference proposed expanded benefits, additional reception services and permanent emergency funding. Its central revenue forecast assumed that wealthy taxpayers would remain wealthy, remain resident and remain entirely unaffected by policies designed to make remaining wealthy increasingly difficult. One delegate asked whether those assumptions should be tested. He was thanked for his contribution and moved to the afternoon session on overcoming internalised pessimism. What France's Public Auditors Say About the Debt Delegates were reminded that the Cour des comptes, the state's own auditor, has warned this year that the planned pace of deficit reduction does not answer the question of whether…
The FT pushes back as the Treasury weighs how much success is too much LONDON, 20 October 2026 - The…
Prime Minister discovers that a political party can campaign for cleaner rivers without rewriting the borders of the Middle East…
Russell Brand Wants Evidence, Britain Offers a Grin The defence asks questions. The comment section asks why. LONDON — Russell…
Government's Most Popular Recruitment Exercise Reveals Extraordinary Enthusiasm for Public Service LONDON, ENGLAND | Whitehall has experienced an unprecedented surge…
Consensual Sex Now Illegal at Cornell, If It Makes the Newspapers Cornell unveils revolutionary new theory of intimacy in which…
Drivers who know every street in London missed the road to the courthouse. LONDON, 19 October 2026. London's black cab drivers have lost their £340 million legal battle against Uber after the High Court ruled they had brought their case too late, establishing the legal principle that a London taxi…
Exercise finds public money is still private earnings with a calmer name LONDON - Treasury officials conducting a public-order contingency exercise have confirmed that if migrant rioters destroyed British public buildings, reconstruction would be financed through the sophisticated fiscal mechanism of asking the same people for the money again. The…
Economists Call Inflation the Nation's Top Growth Industry LONDON, 20 October 2026 - British economists have announced a historic breakthrough in economic theory after discovering that a nation can apparently achieve record Christmas retail spending while its citizens purchase fewer actual goods. UK Christmas Spending Climbs as Sales Volumes Fall…
Britain swaps a metal box for six passwords and three service charges. LONDON, 19 October 2026. British motorists are discovering that the government's digital transformation has replaced the complicated process of putting coins into a parking meter with the much simpler procedure of downloading software, creating an account, entering credit…
This is FREE to my friends and readers of The London Prat. FREE DOWNLOAD: Manchester City FC — The Cityad: The Wrath of the Hundred and Fifteen Yes, completely free. No subscription, no paywall, no financial regulations to navigate, and certainly no 115 charges to explain. Consider it my gift to readers who appreciate satire, football, literature, and the glorious British tradition of taking something ridiculous and treating it with…
Engineers Who Built Machines That Write Computer Code Struggle to Open a Tin of Baked Beans Without Wi-Fi PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA – The world’s most sophisticated technology companies have taken a heavy intellectual blow after discovering that the most important invention of the coming artificial intelligence apocalypse may be a manual can opener. The discovery follows warnings that AI-assisted cyberattacks could disrupt power grids, banks, internet service and water systems,…
Kate Rich, Katty West Outdraw the Kremlin Moscow Demands to Know Why Voluntary Applause Works MOSCOW — Russian authorities are facing a national embarrassment after entertainers Kate Rich and Katty West showed that two attractive women with cameras, professional ambition and a working internet connection can draw international audiences without government subsidies, compulsory attendance, state television propaganda or the arrest of political opponents. The discovery has set off an emergency…
Katty West and Kate Rich Refuse to Finish Second United Nations Offers to Mediate Over Coffee MOSCOW — Russian officials have reportedly expressed concern after an entirely unofficial comparison between entertainers Kate Rich and Katty West showed that two women working in the private entertainment industry can attract international audiences without government subsidies, compulsory attendance, state television coverage or the arrest of political opponents. Kate reportedly leads in documented film…
Petrol Costs More Than the Revolution PARIS – A revolutionary collective has postponed the destruction of the established order after arriving at the Eiffel Tower with matches and discovering that France’s ruling classes had anticipated the uprising by building their landmark out of iron. The Committee for Immediate Structural Change described the setback as “a troubling example of infrastructure refusing to engage with legitimate grievances.” Its emergency statement demanded a…
Subtraction Reclassified as Austerity PARIS – A gathering of French socialist policy strategists has concluded that the welfare state can expand indefinitely, provided discussion remains focused on what people deserve and never deteriorates into how payments clear. The finding emerged from a three-day conference on universal provision, funded by an organisation whose treasurer spent most of the event looking for someone willing to approve the catering bill. “Every additional promise…
Britain’s housing market becomes speed dating with a thirty-year repayment schedule. LONDON. British mortgage lenders have cut the average lifespan of mortgage deals to about thirteen days, leaving prospective homeowners with barely enough time to find a property, arrange a viewing, contact a solicitor and explain to their parents why they urgently need £75,000. Moneyfacts Finds Mortgage Product Shelf Life Fell to 13 Days According to Moneyfacts research reported by…
Britain swaps a metal box for six passwords and three service charges. LONDON, 19 October 2026. British motorists are discovering that the government’s digital transformation has replaced the complicated process of putting coins into a parking meter with the much simpler procedure of downloading software, creating an account, entering credit card details, granting location permissions and paying extra money for the privilege. The Guardian Investigation Into Parking App Fees According…
Emergency meeting agrees somebody must pay, with no say over the spending LONDON – The closure announcement from The Canary has prompted urgent discussions about why a capitalist economy has failed to guarantee the continued operation of a publication devoted to pointing out its failings. Activists said the situation raised serious questions about a system in which criticising the owners of capital doesn’t automatically produce enough capital. Why is The…
Downing Street unveils ambitious programme to restore British prosperity by changing the subject, reopening negotiations and asking Europe to explain why Labour cannot run Britain. LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has discovered a revolutionary solution to Britain’s economic difficulties: blame Brexit for absolutely everything, including problems Labour has not yet had time to create. The breakthrough follows renewed discussion of Britain’s possible return to the European Union, with polling suggesting…
Exercise finds public money is still private earnings with a calmer name LONDON – Treasury officials conducting a public-order contingency exercise have confirmed that if migrant rioters destroyed British public buildings, reconstruction would be financed through the sophisticated fiscal mechanism of asking the same people for the money again. The announcement followed three hours of discussion about resilience, solidarity and whether the word “taxpayer” created an unnecessarily specific impression of…
Economists Call Inflation the Nation’s Top Growth Industry LONDON, 20 October 2026 – British economists have announced a historic breakthrough in economic theory after discovering that a nation can apparently achieve record Christmas retail spending while its citizens purchase fewer actual goods. UK Christmas Spending Climbs as Sales Volumes Fall 0.2% The findings, reported by FashionNetwork, predict that British Christmas spending will climb to £93.76 billion, even though the volume…
The FT pushes back as the Treasury weighs how much success is too much LONDON, 20 October 2026 – The Financial Times article “Not every billionaire is a policy failure” has revived one of the left’s most provocative economic slogans: “Every billionaire is a policy failure.” Its argument is that wealth created through innovation, enterprise and employment should not automatically be treated like wealth accumulated through political privilege or exploitation.…
Drivers who know every street in London missed the road to the courthouse. LONDON, 19 October 2026. London’s black cab drivers have lost their £340 million legal battle against Uber after the High Court ruled they had brought their case too late, establishing the legal principle that a London taxi driver can spend years explaining why the journey is taking longer, but a judge will eventually switch off the meter.…
Victorian poverty maps show London modernised everything except the price of being alive. LONDON, 19 October 2026. A new exhibition examining two centuries of London housing has confirmed that the capital has spent 200 years developing increasingly sophisticated ways to separate wealthy people from poor people without necessarily making either group change streets. A Place to Call Home Opens at Senate House Library The exhibition, A Place to Call Home,…
Citizenship module separates joining a community from demolishing it LONDON – Ministers examining how Britain should respond to arson by immigrants have proposed a compulsory integration seminar entitled “Welcome to Your New Community: Please Leave Some of It Here.” Compulsory Integration Seminar Born of Emergency Exercise The course emerged from an emergency exercise in which officials were asked whether a person deliberately burning a public building should face criminal proceedings.…
Downing Street Calls Falling Purchasing Power an Achievement LONDON, 20 October 2026 – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has celebrated Britain’s forecast £94 billion Christmas shopping season as proof that Labour’s economic policies are working, before announcing an emergency investigation into why British households still have enough money to buy presents. Christmas Retail Spending to Rise 2.9% as Volumes Fall The forecast, detailed by FashionNetwork, predicts Christmas retail spending will rise…
Manchester City Financial Case Inspires Westminster to Replace Political Principles With Team Loyalty and Selective Outrage LONDON – British political parties have reached an unprecedented agreement on corruption. It is completely unacceptable when committed by their opponents, and requires considerable historical context, legal interpretation and emotional sensitivity when it turns up on their own side. The agreement follows renewed debate over Manchester City’s financial case. An independent commission ruled against…
Kremlin promises impartiality, provided the referee arrives in a tank MOSCOW – The Kremlin has unveiled a streamlined model of dispute resolution in which the person responsible for the dispute also chairs the meeting, drafts the settlement and explains why the injured party is making everything unnecessarily personal. Under the arrangement, Vladimir Putin would bring a uniquely comprehensive understanding of the problem, having taken part extensively in creating it. Officials…
British agriculture faces crisis after vegetables are told to stop posing for social media. CHESHIRE. A Cheshire farm shop has introduced restrictions on daytime photography after becoming a popular destination for social media influencers, leaving thousands of aspiring internet celebrities facing the horrifying possibility that pumpkins may exist for purposes other than improving their personal brands. The Hollies Farm Shop Restricts Photography Between 10am and 4pm The Hollies farm shop…
Ministers discover customers may understand a contract before a camera invoices them LONDON – British motorists are to receive five minutes to decide whether to park under proposed rules reported by Sky News, alongside a ten-minute exit period and protections for honest mistakes. The announcement marks a historic concession by an industry that has always treated arriving to inspect its prices as enthusiastic agreement to whatever they turn out to…
Officials insist investment will pay off eventually and request payment immediately LONDON – The Treasury’s calculator has withdrawn cooperation after encountering a welfare reform programme expected to require substantial spending before producing savings. POLITICO’s London Playbook reports that Alan Milburn has warned his proposals will need upfront investment and will not deliver savings for some time. The calculator responded by displaying a minus sign and requesting a seat opposite the…
Customers Spend More to Buy Less, Shops Call It Recovery LONDON, 20 October 2026 – British retailers are preparing for a spectacular £94 billion Christmas shopping season, despite concerns that customers have developed the unfortunate habit of comparing prices with the amount of money actually available in their bank accounts. UK Retail Forecast: 2.9% Rise on Slightly Fewer Goods The retail forecast, detailed by FashionNetwork, predicts a 2.9% rise in…
Devolution model offers local leaders greater freedom to explain the budget WHITEHALL, LONDON – Officials responding to the childhood disparities examined by the Evening Standard have announced that decisions should be made closer to families, particularly decisions about which organisation will explain why the family is still waiting. Putting Communities at the Heart of Policy The new framework will place communities at the heart of policy by arranging a larger…
Experts ask who approved the groceries NOTTINGHAM, ENGLAND, October 19, 2026 – Meghan Markle has once again threatened the foundations of British constitutional government after visiting a Nottingham food bank and apparently failing to appreciate that charitable activities undertaken by American women may require the approval of at least three British aristocrats, two retired royal correspondents and somebody who once had lunch with Princess Margaret. The Duchess of Sussex accompanied…
Britain Points Out It Has Already Done the Three-Day Week WHITEHALL, LONDON – American artificial intelligence researchers have warned that their own technology could force society back to 1973, a prediction that has been received in Britain as a reasonable summary of last winter. The warning follows concern that powerful AI systems could be used in cyberattacks on financial institutions, electricity networks and public infrastructure. In practical terms, the people…
Developers discover nature can be saved by paying the government to damage it. NORFOLK, 19 October 2026. The government has developed a new approach to environmental protection in which property developers may pay thousands of pounds toward nature restoration while building homes that increase pressure on the environment, apparently proving that pollution becomes considerably less offensive once it has passed through a Treasury-approved payment system. The Environmental Delivery Plan for…
Editors warn family harmony is bad for business LONDON, October 19, 2026 – Britain’s newspaper industry is preparing for a catastrophic collapse following Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s return to the United Kingdom, amid fears that the couple may eventually repair their relationship with the Royal Family and deprive Fleet Street of its most reliable source of employment since the invention of adultery. The alarm intensified after Harry and Meghan…
Tech Industry That Promised to Eliminate Human Error Discovers Human Error Was the Only Thing Keeping Civilization Alive SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA – After pouring roughly $800 billion into machines designed to remake civilization, America’s artificial intelligence industry is now advising ordinary people to keep emergency cash in the house in case the remaking goes through. The advice traces back to an October 16 Futurism report on AI researcher Andreas Stuhlmüller,…
French Taxpayers Discover That Destroying Public Property to Demand More Public Spending Is Apparently a Recognised Economic Development Strategy PARIS, FRANCE. France’s taxpayers have been informed that the latest movement demanding greater government spending on education has also generated millions of euros in damage to educational facilities. The news is a remarkable development in the country’s long tradition of using public property to demonstrate dissatisfaction with public administration. According to…
Tech industry unveils a labour market where everyone qualifies, nobody works and the economy runs on monthly software subscriptions. MILTON KEYNES – Technology executives have presented what they describe as the future of employment, after an automated recruiter successfully hired an automated candidate for a position due to disappear before the applicant’s first day. The announcement was made at a business park conference centre with a lanyard stall and a…
