Lula Wins Election, Loses Argument With Mathematics Brazil's Markets Fall 13.9 Per Cent as Ballot Boxes Close and Brokerage Accounts Follow BRASÍLIA, Brazil — President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva won a fourth, nonconsecutive term on Sunday, October 25, proving that Brazil can settle a presidential election without settling the national accounts. By Monday, the country's stock market had fallen 13.9 per cent and the real had dropped 8.1 per cent against the dollar. The ballot boxes had closed. So, apparently, had several brokerage accounts. Lula Beats Flávio Bolsonaro by 4.4 Million Votes Lula defeated Senator Flávio Bolsonaro by roughly 4.4 million votes, according to Brazil's electoral authorities. That is a solid margin, although economists report that voting for a bigger economy does not automatically produce one. The distinction has baffled political consultants for generations. In campaigning, you add promises. In budgeting, you subtract costs. In governing, you announce a committee to find out who stole the minus sign. Brazil's Public Debt Reaches 82.9 Per Cent of GDP Brazil's gross public debt has climbed to 82.9 per cent of gross domestic product, and Reuters reports that less than 8 per cent of federal spending can be readily adjusted. This is the financial equivalent of taking your spouse to dinner, discovering that 92 per cent of your income is already spoken…
Spain's Transport Ministry Discovers Red Means Stop Billions for the Train, a Committee for the Brakes MADRID — Spain's socialist-led government is working through an uncomfortable discovery this week. A high-speed railway needs more than funding, speeches and a minister in a hard hat posing next to a shiny locomotive. Apparently the trains also have to be safe. The discovery follows Wednesday's collision near Toledo, where at least 68 people died after a high-speed train struck another that had stopped on the track. The victims and their families deserve better than political theater. The government deserves questions that a ribbon-cutting can't answer. According to Reuters' reporting on the Spanish railway disaster, Transport Minister Óscar Puente said a computer communications failure had halted traffic before a train was wrongly authorised to continue past a red signal. For generations, railway engineers have worked from a sophisticated principle: red means stop. The Transport Ministry appears to have commissioned a committee to explore the concept. Spain's Transport They built the biggest high-speed network in Europe. Madrid to Seville in two and a half hours. Getting a permit still takes a decade. Fast train, slow government. Red means stop. That's not a political opinion. It might be the only thing in the whole country that isn't up for debate. They announced a "comprehensive safety review."…
Protesters Want President Fixing Problems Assigned to Somebody Else PARIS, October 22, 2026 - French socialist activists have condemned President…
Westminster pioneers tailored support for backbenchers struggling to move from concern to decision LONDON - Labour MPs being carefully persuaded…
America's political establishment confronts the terrifying possibility that supporting women, protecting defendants, respecting consent and demanding evidence are not mutually…
Men Declare Themselves Experts on Female Anatomy Institute Tells Women to Stop Contradicting Them LONDON, October 22, 2026 — The…
Russell Brand Wants Evidence, Britain Offers a Grin The defence asks questions. The comment section asks why. LONDON — Russell…
Late Husbands Now Vetting Widows' Dates LONDON - A Hampstead widow says her late husband has started recruiting her next husband from beyond the grave, and that heaven now runs an agency to handle the paperwork. Pamela Threlfall-Hughes, 61, said she booked a sitting with a medium above a vape…
Socialist Recovery Plan Begins by Destroying Things Taxpayers Replace PARIS, October 22, 2026 - French revolutionary activists have unveiled an ambitious new economic strategy designed to combat rising living costs by damaging the businesses, vehicles and public infrastructure that ordinary French citizens depend on to earn a living. The announcement…
Feeding Hungry Families Apparently Requires Palace Approval NOTTINGHAM - Meghan Markle has reportedly caused fresh anxiety within royal circles after visiting a community kitchen, speaking to volunteers and demonstrating the deeply controversial belief that people experiencing food poverty might benefit from receiving food. The Duchess of Sussex accompanied Prince Harry…
Britain swaps a metal box for six passwords and three service charges. LONDON, 19 October 2026. British motorists are discovering that the government's digital transformation has replaced the complicated process of putting coins into a parking meter with the much simpler procedure of downloading software, creating an account, entering credit…
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Lula Wins Election, Loses Argument With Mathematics Brazil’s Markets Fall 13.9 Per Cent as Ballot Boxes Close and Brokerage Accounts Follow BRASÍLIA, Brazil — President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva won a fourth, nonconsecutive term on Sunday, October 25, proving that Brazil can settle a presidential election without settling the national accounts. By Monday, the country’s stock market had fallen 13.9 per cent and the real had dropped 8.1 per…
Spain’s Transport Ministry Discovers Red Means Stop Billions for the Train, a Committee for the Brakes MADRID — Spain’s socialist-led government is working through an uncomfortable discovery this week. A high-speed railway needs more than funding, speeches and a minister in a hard hat posing next to a shiny locomotive. Apparently the trains also have to be safe. The discovery follows Wednesday’s collision near Toledo, where at least 68 people…
Future King Finds ‘The Traitors’ Closest Thing to Stand-Up LONDON, October 24, 2026 – Prince William has entered a new phase of his development as Britain’s future monarch. He has discovered that a man can appear on a television chat show, mention a programme called The Traitors, enjoy a chuckle and leave royal watchers wondering whether another little message has gone across the Atlantic. According to USA TODAY’s October 23…
Median salary hits £40,911. Nobody can find it. LONDON, October 24, 2026 – Britain’s working population received another encouraging economic announcement this week: their salaries are rising at the slowest annual rate since 2021, but the government has avoided the embarrassment of letting ordinary people become noticeably wealthier. According to Reuters’ October 22 report on slowing British wage growth, median annual full-time earnings increased 4.5% to £40,911 in the year…
Duchess speaks, police investigate, newspapers convict LONDON, October 24, 2026 – Meghan Markle has called for justice and the protection of innocent children following allegations against her estranged father, Thomas Markle Sr., prompting renewed interest in an old legal principle under which investigators establish what happened before everyone else announces what it means. In a statement sent to CBS News, the Duchess of Sussex said she was “deeply distressed” and…
Cebu Estate Agents Demand Character References From Pensioners Sandals now count as evidence, say Home Counties retirees CEBU CITY — Geoffrey Pargeter, 71, retired from Reigate to the Philippines in the spring, and this week he was asked to supply two referees, a utility bill and a letter from his vicar before a woman in a lanyard would let him look at a bathroom. “Two bedrooms, sea view, and apparently…
Britain once powered the factories of the world. Today, its greatest industrial achievement is asking Paris whether it has a spare electricity socket. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – Britain, the country that helped launch the Industrial Revolution, has achieved another historic milestone by seeking emergency electricity assistance from France while spending nearly £50 million in a single day stabilising its domestic power system. From Industrial Revolution to Importing Electricity Historians…
Prince William Tried to Crop Out Travis Kelce Royal photo etiquette meets an NFL champion who wouldn’t budge LONDON, October 24, 2026 — Prince William has revealed that he repeatedly tried to remove American football star Travis Kelce from a photograph with Taylor Swift and his children, offering a glimpse into life in a family where people have been stepping aside for you since infancy. According to the October 23…
Civility Costs Nothing (Apparently): British Government Launches £32 Million Campaign to Remind Citizens to Be Polite While Westminster Continues Shouting Ministers Demand Respect, Councils Promise Courtesy, and Taxpayers Discover That Saying Please and Thank You Now Requires a Government Department LONDON — The British government has identified a serious national problem: people are no longer sufficiently civil to one another. After extensive consideration, ministers have concluded that the most effective…
Burnham Fights Rude Passengers With Posters £100 fines are coming. Staff to issue them are not. LONDON, October 24, 2026 — British commuters suffering through aggressive drunks, abusive football supporters, threatening strangers and teenagers broadcasting TikTok videos at the volume of an aircraft engine have received welcome news from Prime Minister Andy Burnham: the government has discovered that antisocial behaviour is unpleasant and intends to do something about it, provided…
Bank of England Fears Prosperity and Calling Meetings A £20 weekly raise has economists calling meetings. LONDON, October 24, 2026 — The Bank of England has identified a potentially catastrophic threat to the British economy: ordinary working people receiving enough money to improve their lives. After years of inflation, expensive energy, rising mortgages and declining purchasing power, Britain’s monetary authorities are increasingly concerned that workers might demand compensation for the…
MIT’s Eko agents build, play and learn; Whitehall demands paperwork LONDON – Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have stumbled upon a discovery potentially more dangerous to modern government than artificial intelligence itself: a machine left alone for 30 hours managed to accomplish several useful things without a single politician explaining why they were impossible. According to research reported by ZME Science and MIT Technology Review, scientists placed autonomous…
Manchester City Theory Suggests Britain Cannot Repair Its Political Divisions With GDP Growth Alone, Although GDP Growth Would Be a Pleasant Surprise LONDON – British economists have run into a serious challenge to their traditional belief that better living standards reduce public dissatisfaction. Football supporters have shown that people can stay furious even when their teams are winning. The discovery follows renewed attention to the link between sporting loyalty and…
Free-market economists discover Britain has established a business model in which failure to deliver the product is sometimes more profitable than delivering it. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – Britain has unveiled an extraordinary commercial innovation that threatens to revolutionise capitalism: a market in which producers may be compensated for not supplying the product they were originally contracted to supply. The arrangement has stunned businessmen accustomed to the outdated principle that…
Whitehall officials determine that an unidentified object cannot legally become a national security threat until its environmental impact assessment has been completed. WESTMINSTER, 17 October 2026 – The Labour government has responded to concerns about unidentified drones approaching RAF aircraft with the sort of decisive administrative response that has made British bureaucracy the envy of filing cabinets throughout Europe. An emergency committee, provisionally costed at £400 million in Whitehall’s preferred…
Prime Minister Andy Burnham’s government studies Manchester City’s remarkable ability to convert financial controversy into public solidarity, raising hopes that scandals could replace economic growth as Britain’s principal source of national unity. LONDON, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026. Westminster has identified a potential solution to Britain’s declining trust in political institutions after Manchester City manager Enzo Maresca reported that the football club had become more united following an independent commission’s findings…
The Zero-Hours Worker’s Perspective: The Vineyard Owner Apparently Forgot to Consult Human Resources WESTMINSTER, LONDON: London’s hospitality industry has been thrown into theological confusion after workers discovered that Jesus once described a landowner paying employees who arrived at five in the afternoon the same amount as those who started at dawn. The revelation emerged during a staff meeting at a Westminster hotel, where management had gathered employees to explain the…
The Auditor’s Perspective: Matthew 7:3 Exposes a Nation That Can Inspect a Parking Ticket but Cannot Finish Its Own Accounts LONDON, ENGLAND: Local government auditors have reported an alarming increase in the number of public officials suffering from a condition known as Selective Financial Vision. The disorder allows sufferers to identify a £3 discrepancy in a resident’s payment while remaining remarkably untroubled by millions of pounds in unresolved accounting questions.…
The Wealthy Resident’s Perspective: Eternity Is Attractive, Provided the Tax Residence Rules Are Favourable KENSINGTON, LONDON: A Kensington financier has asked his legal advisers whether he can retain the privileges of earthly wealth in the afterlife following the abolition of Britain’s old non-dom tax system. Maximilian de Vere, who owns a townhouse, two flats and a wine collection large enough to affect traffic on Kensington High Street, said the proposed…
Treasury officials struggle to determine whether royal security protects Prince Harry from the public, the public from Prince Harry, or newspaper photographers from unemployment. LONDON, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026 | British taxpayers have demanded clarification of the country’s royal security arrangements after Prince Harry continued pursuing official protection while demonstrating an impressive willingness to approach members of the public in Nottingham. The Duke of Sussex greeted well-wishers, shook hands and…
MPs conclude after hearing from forty-one witnesses that two freedoms can coexist, then ask for a further report on how. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – A House of Commons select committee published an interim finding on Friday that adults in Britain are free to choose their gym clothing and that comedians are free to tell jokes, and that these two liberties do not appear to interfere with each other in…
Booking departments across London say two women responding differently to the same comedian has left them without a plan for the second guest chair. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – Television producers responsible for the casting of British comedy panel shows said on Friday that they were reviewing their booking procedures after two women responded to the same American comedian in two entirely different ways and both of them appeared to…
Civil servants say the American dispute over a Saturday Night Live monologue has not yet crossed the Atlantic in any measurable quantity, but would like a plan ready in case it does. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – Officials from six government departments met in a windowless room near Whitehall on Friday afternoon to decide whether a comedian’s remarks about women’s gym clothing, made on American television a week earlier, might…
Interviewing everyone who is angry becomes a substitute for finding out how many people agree WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump’s proposal to renovate East Potomac Golf Links has produced a remarkable achievement in contemporary journalism: a newspaper has located people in Washington who dislike something the president is doing. The breakthrough follows years of intensive research into the relationship between Donald Trump and public dissatisfaction, a field so thoroughly…
Investigators examine century-old conspiracy involving sand traps hiding in plain sight WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has become the central figure in a remarkable Washington mystery involving a 106-year-old golf course that apparently existed for more than a century without every member of the metropolitan press fully appreciating its presence. East Potomac Golf Links Investigation Begins With a Geography Problem The investigation began after public discussion of the president’s…
Rebuilding a sand trap may take more legal prep than Normandy, officials learn WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump’s plans to renovate East Potomac Golf Links have run into an obstacle familiar to anyone who has tried to build anything in the nation’s capital: the American federal government. The project involves redesigning a century-old public golf facility, improving playing conditions and possibly attracting major championship tournaments. Unfortunately, the undertaking also…
The White House suspects a postal error. WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has ordered an emergency investigation into whether Iran has been properly notified of its overwhelming military defeat, after the disturbing discovery that the Iranian regime keeps fighting despite months of American victories, destroyed military equipment and White House announcements enthusiastic enough to convince nearly everyone except Iran. The confusion follows an October 16 Christian Science Monitor investigation into…
As long as one ayatollah has a microphone, the war is going splendidly. TEHRAN, IRAN, October 19, 2026 – Iran’s ruling clerics have declared an unprecedented military triumph over the United States, explaining that the continued existence of even one senior religious official able to issue threats is overwhelming proof that the Islamic Republic has defeated the world’s most powerful conventional military. The remarkable reading of military success comes as…
The premium package finally offers a peace agreement. Batteries sold separately. NEW YORK, October 19, 2026 – America’s defense industry has introduced a new approach to national security in which the United States can rack up virtually unlimited military victories without necessarily suffering the inconvenience of ending a war. The breakthrough follows months of American operations against Iran and growing interest in what it costs to replenish expensive weapons inventories.…
Seven months in, the receipt is still missing. WASHINGTON, D.C., October 19, 2026 – The American taxpayer has emerged as the most reliable weapon in the continuing conflict with Iran, absorbing financial damage without surrendering, negotiating, or receiving so much as a complimentary Pentagon baseball cap. Military planners have spent months counting Iranian missile inventories, naval capabilities and defensive infrastructure. Economists have studied the fallout for global energy markets. Politicians…
