French Taxpayers Discover That Destroying Public Property to Demand More Public Spending Is Apparently a Recognised Economic Development Strategy PARIS, FRANCE. France's taxpayers have been informed that the latest movement demanding greater government spending on education has also generated millions of euros in damage to educational facilities. The news is a remarkable development in the country's long tradition of using public property to demonstrate dissatisfaction with public administration. According to Reuters' reporting on damage during the student protests, education officials estimated repair costs of up to 30 million, with 24 schools extensively damaged and approximately 30,000 immigrant students affected. The protests have also raised serious concerns about police tactics and injuries to young demonstrators. These developments have produced an important economic discovery. A school can simultaneously be underfunded and expensive to destroy. The Economics of Burning Down Your Own School The principle behind the new economic programme is straightforward. A school requires a new gate. Immigrant students protest because the school requires investment. Some participants damage the gate. The government must now purchase a replacement gate before allocating additional resources to the original problems. The school consequently needs more money than it needed before the protest. This is called creating demand. Under conventional capitalism, entrepreneurs identify demand and offer goods or services to satisfy it. Under the revolutionary school-maintenance model,…
Downing Street unveils ambitious programme to restore British prosperity by changing the subject, reopening negotiations and asking Europe to explain why Labour cannot run Britain. LONDON - Prime Minister Andy Burnham has discovered a revolutionary solution to Britain's economic difficulties: blame Brexit for absolutely everything, including problems Labour has not yet had time to create. The breakthrough follows renewed discussion of Britain's possible return to the European Union, with polling suggesting that half the British public now supports rejoining the organisation the country spent years escaping. Downing Street spotted the political possibilities within minutes. For the first time, ministers could explain Britain's economic disappointments without mentioning taxation, public spending, regulation, productivity, energy prices or anything else for which somebody currently on the government payroll might conceivably bear responsibility. "This is an enormous opportunity," explained a senior Westminster strategist. "Previously, when the economy performed badly, ministers had to explain their own policies. Now they can simply point towards the English Channel." The government has consequently developed a new economic framework entitled Britain's Prosperity Through European Blame Redistribution Strategy. Under the proposal, responsibility for economic failures will be progressively transferred to Brussels while Westminster keeps the ribbon-cutting ceremonies, the encouraging speeches and the congratulating itself. Brexit Blame Strategy: Economic Growth Expected Immediately After Responsibility Is Transferred Britain's Treasury has welcomed the discovery that…
British political parties adopt football's tribal philosophy, allowing governments to declare victory regardless of results, while voters discover that defeating…
Existential crisis spreads across Britain after officials confirm that the universe owes citizens nothing, but citizens still owe the council…
Russell Brand Wants Evidence, Britain Offers a Grin The defence asks questions. The comment section asks why. LONDON — Russell…
Government's Most Popular Recruitment Exercise Reveals Extraordinary Enthusiasm for Public Service LONDON, ENGLAND | Whitehall has experienced an unprecedented surge…
Consensual Sex Now Illegal at Cornell, If It Makes the Newspapers Cornell unveils revolutionary new theory of intimacy in which…
Britain swaps a metal box for six passwords and three service charges. LONDON, 19 October 2026. British motorists are discovering that the government's digital transformation has replaced the complicated process of putting coins into a parking meter with the much simpler procedure of downloading software, creating an account, entering credit…
Treasury Discovers Sex Is Taxable, Profitable and Apparently the Only British Industry Still Showing Growth LONDON, ENGLAND | Britain's pornography industry has discovered an unexpected third party entering its business relationship: His Majesty's Treasury, which has never experienced an orgasm but has spent centuries perfecting the art of taking a…
Commuters pay 40 percent more to be told nothing is coming LONDON, WESTMINSTER STATION - A rogue artificial intelligence swarm has seized control of the London Underground, cancelled 700 trains, raised passenger fares by 40 percent and announced the most successful day in the history of British public transportation, despite…
Ministers discover customers may understand a contract before a camera invoices them LONDON - British motorists are to receive five minutes to decide whether to park under proposed rules reported by Sky News, alongside a ten-minute exit period and protections for honest mistakes. The announcement marks a historic concession by…
This is FREE to my friends and readers of The London Prat. FREE DOWNLOAD: Manchester City FC — The Cityad: The Wrath of the Hundred and Fifteen Yes, completely free. No subscription, no paywall, no financial regulations to navigate, and certainly no 115 charges to explain. Consider it my gift to readers who appreciate satire, football, literature, and the glorious British tradition of taking something ridiculous and treating it with…
Downing Street unveils ambitious programme to restore British prosperity by changing the subject, reopening negotiations and asking Europe to explain why Labour cannot run Britain. LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has discovered a revolutionary solution to Britain’s economic difficulties: blame Brexit for absolutely everything, including problems Labour has not yet had time to create. The breakthrough follows renewed discussion of Britain’s possible return to the European Union, with polling suggesting…
Citizenship module separates joining a community from demolishing it LONDON – Ministers examining how Britain should respond to arson by immigrants have proposed a compulsory integration seminar entitled “Welcome to Your New Community: Please Leave Some of It Here.” Compulsory Integration Seminar Born of Emergency Exercise The course emerged from an emergency exercise in which officials were asked whether a person deliberately burning a public building should face criminal proceedings.…
Downing Street Calls Falling Purchasing Power an Achievement LONDON, 20 October 2026 – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has celebrated Britain’s forecast £94 billion Christmas shopping season as proof that Labour’s economic policies are working, before announcing an emergency investigation into why British households still have enough money to buy presents. Christmas Retail Spending to Rise 2.9% as Volumes Fall The forecast, detailed by FashionNetwork, predicts Christmas retail spending will rise…
Manchester City Financial Case Inspires Westminster to Replace Political Principles With Team Loyalty and Selective Outrage LONDON – British political parties have reached an unprecedented agreement on corruption. It is completely unacceptable when committed by their opponents, and requires considerable historical context, legal interpretation and emotional sensitivity when it turns up on their own side. The agreement follows renewed debate over Manchester City’s financial case. An independent commission ruled against…
Kremlin promises impartiality, provided the referee arrives in a tank MOSCOW – The Kremlin has unveiled a streamlined model of dispute resolution in which the person responsible for the dispute also chairs the meeting, drafts the settlement and explains why the injured party is making everything unnecessarily personal. Under the arrangement, Vladimir Putin would bring a uniquely comprehensive understanding of the problem, having taken part extensively in creating it. Officials…
Britain’s housing market becomes speed dating with a thirty-year repayment schedule. LONDON. British mortgage lenders have cut the average lifespan of mortgage deals to about thirteen days, leaving prospective homeowners with barely enough time to find a property, arrange a viewing, contact a solicitor and explain to their parents why they urgently need £75,000. Moneyfacts Finds Mortgage Product Shelf Life Fell to 13 Days According to Moneyfacts research reported by…
British agriculture faces crisis after vegetables are told to stop posing for social media. CHESHIRE. A Cheshire farm shop has introduced restrictions on daytime photography after becoming a popular destination for social media influencers, leaving thousands of aspiring internet celebrities facing the horrifying possibility that pumpkins may exist for purposes other than improving their personal brands. The Hollies Farm Shop Restricts Photography Between 10am and 4pm The Hollies farm shop…
Ministers discover customers may understand a contract before a camera invoices them LONDON – British motorists are to receive five minutes to decide whether to park under proposed rules reported by Sky News, alongside a ten-minute exit period and protections for honest mistakes. The announcement marks a historic concession by an industry that has always treated arriving to inspect its prices as enthusiastic agreement to whatever they turn out to…
Officials insist investment will pay off eventually and request payment immediately LONDON – The Treasury’s calculator has withdrawn cooperation after encountering a welfare reform programme expected to require substantial spending before producing savings. POLITICO’s London Playbook reports that Alan Milburn has warned his proposals will need upfront investment and will not deliver savings for some time. The calculator responded by displaying a minus sign and requesting a seat opposite the…
Customers Spend More to Buy Less, Shops Call It Recovery LONDON, 20 October 2026 – British retailers are preparing for a spectacular £94 billion Christmas shopping season, despite concerns that customers have developed the unfortunate habit of comparing prices with the amount of money actually available in their bank accounts. UK Retail Forecast: 2.9% Rise on Slightly Fewer Goods The retail forecast, detailed by FashionNetwork, predicts a 2.9% rise in…
Devolution model offers local leaders greater freedom to explain the budget WHITEHALL, LONDON – Officials responding to the childhood disparities examined by the Evening Standard have announced that decisions should be made closer to families, particularly decisions about which organisation will explain why the family is still waiting. Putting Communities at the Heart of Policy The new framework will place communities at the heart of policy by arranging a larger…
Britain swaps a metal box for six passwords and three service charges. LONDON, 19 October 2026. British motorists are discovering that the government’s digital transformation has replaced the complicated process of putting coins into a parking meter with the much simpler procedure of downloading software, creating an account, entering credit card details, granting location permissions and paying extra money for the privilege. The Guardian Investigation Into Parking App Fees According…
Developers discover nature can be saved by paying the government to damage it. NORFOLK, 19 October 2026. The government has developed a new approach to environmental protection in which property developers may pay thousands of pounds toward nature restoration while building homes that increase pressure on the environment, apparently proving that pollution becomes considerably less offensive once it has passed through a Treasury-approved payment system. The Environmental Delivery Plan for…
Editors warn family harmony is bad for business LONDON, October 19, 2026 – Britain’s newspaper industry is preparing for a catastrophic collapse following Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s return to the United Kingdom, amid fears that the couple may eventually repair their relationship with the Royal Family and deprive Fleet Street of its most reliable source of employment since the invention of adultery. The alarm intensified after Harry and Meghan…
Tech Industry That Promised to Eliminate Human Error Discovers Human Error Was the Only Thing Keeping Civilization Alive SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA – After pouring roughly $800 billion into machines designed to remake civilization, America’s artificial intelligence industry is now advising ordinary people to keep emergency cash in the house in case the remaking goes through. The advice traces back to an October 16 Futurism report on AI researcher Andreas Stuhlmüller,…
French Taxpayers Discover That Destroying Public Property to Demand More Public Spending Is Apparently a Recognised Economic Development Strategy PARIS, FRANCE. France’s taxpayers have been informed that the latest movement demanding greater government spending on education has also generated millions of euros in damage to educational facilities. The news is a remarkable development in the country’s long tradition of using public property to demonstrate dissatisfaction with public administration. According to…
Tech industry unveils a labour market where everyone qualifies, nobody works and the economy runs on monthly software subscriptions. MILTON KEYNES – Technology executives have presented what they describe as the future of employment, after an automated recruiter successfully hired an automated candidate for a position due to disappear before the applicant’s first day. The announcement was made at a business park conference centre with a lanyard stall and a…
British business discovers the perfect job interview involves no staff, no candidate and nobody asking about the pension scheme. LONDON – A job applicant has shown where recruitment efficiency ends up by sending an artificial intelligence to a job interview run by another artificial intelligence. Both systems rated the conversation a success. The applicant, who had ironed a shirt for the occasion, watched from his kitchen table while a cup…
British political parties adopt football’s tribal philosophy, allowing governments to declare victory regardless of results, while voters discover that defeating opponents is considerably more satisfying than improving the country. LONDON, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026. Britain’s political establishment has reportedly embraced the Manchester City theory of government after discovering that modern democracy increasingly resembles professional football, with one important exception: unsuccessful football managers are eventually dismissed, while unsuccessful politicians are frequently…
Existential crisis spreads across Britain after officials confirm that the universe owes citizens nothing, but citizens still owe the council £2,400. LONDON – Britain has entered a philosophical emergency after a government-sponsored conference concluded that human existence may possess no predetermined meaning, prompting millions of taxpayers to question why they must continue financing a country that cannot explain why they are here. The conference, held over three days at a…
Britain’s newest pay negotiator has the loyalty of a golden retriever and the bargaining instincts of a man selling his house for a meal deal. MANCHESTER – The British labour movement has suffered another setback after an artificial intelligence acting as a salary negotiator showed that the quickest way to a competitive offer is to ask for a good deal less than anyone suggested. The software, working for a 41-year-old…
Drivers who know every street in London missed the road to the courthouse. LONDON, 19 October 2026. London’s black cab drivers have lost their £340 million legal battle against Uber after the High Court ruled they had brought their case too late, establishing the legal principle that a London taxi driver can spend years explaining why the journey is taking longer, but a judge will eventually switch off the meter.…
Hollywood Finds the Perfect Celebrity: One Who Doesn’t Show Up LONDON, October 19, 2026 | Meghan Markle has reportedly achieved the ultimate Hollywood career milestone by becoming the most talked-about actress in a television series in which she has never appeared. According to People’s reporting on Meghan’s collapsed talks with Netflix’s The Gentlemen, sources close to the Duchess believe her name was used to promote the show. Negotiations never resulted…
Britain’s wealthy football clubs celebrate the principle that everybody is equal before the law, although some organisations can afford to employ an entire legal department to establish what the word “everybody” means. MANCHESTER, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026. Manchester City have presented British political scientists with a fascinating question about the meaning of equality after appealing an independent commission’s findings that the club seriously breached financial regulations over nine seasons. According…
Staff at Broadcasting House say they have reviewed the controversial Shane Gillis episode for guidance purposes only, and that guidance has been issued: nobody should ever do this. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – The BBC’s editorial compliance department confirmed on Friday that it had watched, in full and twice, the opening monologue of last week’s Saturday Night Live, as part of what a spokesperson called “routine horizon scanning of international…
Lidl produces the kind of economic growth politicians have been promising for decades, leaving Treasury officials deeply concerned that nobody applied for a government miracle. LONDON, October 17, 2026 – A constitutional crisis is developing in Whitehall after German supermarket chain Lidl announced plans to invest £600 million in Britain, open more than 50 stores and expand commercial activity without first establishing a National Supermarket Transformation Authority. According to Reuters,…
Counsellors declare man’s best friend the last emotionally available male LONDON, ENGLAND – Britain’s relationship experts have concluded that modern dating may have reached its final stage after finding that growing numbers of singles would rather spend Saturday evening with a dog than another adult human being. The findings follow the latest collection of Tinder and Bumble horrors, where romantic hopefuls show that technology has let mankind communicate instantly across…
£50,000 Goes to Man Who Misspelled Every Third Word LONDON, October 19, 2026 – Britain’s literary establishment has announced a revolutionary new standard for recognising authentic human genius after concerns about machine-written literature prompted prize committees to reconsider the suspiciously competent grammar, coherent plotting and intelligent observations traditionally associated with great novels. The emergency follows growing fears that literary prizes could be compromised by computer-generated manuscripts, an issue examined in…
Royal Press Short of Unnamed Sources LONDON | Britain’s royal press is facing an unprecedented staffing crisis after Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s anonymous friends reportedly supplied so many briefings about the couple that newspapers began running dangerously low on people willing to be described as close sources. The emergency follows The Times’ examination of anonymous Sussex briefings, which discussed claims about the couple’s public engagements, royal status and Meghan’s…
Tinder evidence suggests the shortlist is mostly married, unemployed or both LONDON, ENGLAND – Britain’s single women have demanded a government investigation into the disappearance of decent men after a collection of 40 extraordinary Tinder and Bumble conversations suggested that modern courtship has become a competitive exhibition of poor judgment, sexual desperation and astonishingly bad spelling. The evidence, documented here, includes men admitting to cheating, requesting traditional housewives and proving…
