Treasury asks surviving billionaires to stay until the next Budget LONDON - Britain's socialist left has rediscovered a revolutionary economic principle: every billionaire is a policy failure, every millionaire is a potential investigation, and every entrepreneur is somebody who hasn't yet received the correct tax assessment. The principle has circulated among progressive campaigners for years, but the latest debate has handed it a respectable new audience. The Financial Times has challenged the slogan in its argument that not every billionaire is a policy failure, suggesting that becoming extraordinarily wealthy by creating something useful may differ economically and morally from becoming extraordinarily wealthy by exploiting political connections. This distinction has alarmed socialist intellectuals, who fear Britain may soon face the dangerous possibility of judging people by what they actually do rather than how much money they possess. The slogan is not official Labour government policy. That hasn't stopped sections of the political left from treating it as a philosophical achievement comparable to the invention of electricity, except that electricity occasionally delivers measurable results. Economic Growth Without Economic Success: Labour's Billionaire Problem [caption id="attachment_54060" align="alignright" width="640"] Success Under Review in Westminster[/caption] The central problem confronting Labour's economic philosophers is straightforward. Britain needs more businesses, more investment, more exports, more productivity, more employment, more innovation and considerably more tax revenue. Unfortunately, achieving any…
Marx, Lenin, Mao and Castro Charge Paris Revolution to French Taxpayers Elderly communists fuel Sorbonne uprising with government credit card PARIS, FRANCE, October 23, 2026 — French taxpayers have discovered that the latest revolution against capitalism is being financed by the very economic system its supporters are attempting to destroy, following the appearance of four elderly communist revolutionaries at a petrol station near the Sorbonne carrying a government expense account, several dozen petrol containers and a shopping trolley full of revolutionary ambition. Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, Mao Zedong and Fidel Castro were observed purchasing enough petrol to maintain a respectable Parisian uprising, presenting the astonished cashier with an oversized gold credit card bearing the inscription French Taxpayers: Government Expense Account. Marx, whose Communist Manifesto helped inspire generations of revolutionaries to abolish private ownership, demanded that the transaction be completed immediately. “Workers of the world, unite!” he announced. “And would somebody please validate my parking?” The cashier initially refused the card, explaining that the petrol station did not accept government accounts belonging to deceased political philosophers. Marx reportedly threatened to nationalise the establishment. The cashier approved the transaction. Revolutionary Rolex: Marx Charges Capitalism to the Taxpayer The incident highlights an important development in contemporary revolutionary economics: capitalism is oppressive when ordinary people participate in it but remarkably convenient when elderly Marxists…
Interviewing everyone who is angry becomes a substitute for finding out how many people agree WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Donald…
Rebuilding a sand trap may take more legal prep than Normandy, officials learn WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Donald Trump's plans…
America's political establishment confronts the terrifying possibility that supporting women, protecting defendants, respecting consent and demanding evidence are not mutually…
Men Declare Themselves Experts on Female Anatomy Institute Tells Women to Stop Contradicting Them LONDON, October 22, 2026 — The…
Russell Brand Wants Evidence, Britain Offers a Grin The defence asks questions. The comment section asks why. LONDON — Russell…
Machine Offers to Fix Everything Today, Chairman Declines LONDON, October 22, 2026 - Artificial intelligence has caused considerable embarrassment among the world's technology administrators after helping cybersecurity researchers expose serious vulnerabilities in software used across much of the internet, apparently without first establishing a steering committee, appointing a chairperson or…
Britain Points Out It Has Already Done the Three-Day Week WHITEHALL, LONDON - American artificial intelligence researchers have warned that their own technology could force society back to 1973, a prediction that has been received in Britain as a reasonable summary of last winter. The warning follows concern that powerful…
Council refers question to Committee on Insensitive Wording LONDON - Shopkeepers taking part in a council consultation on possible migrant-related unrest have asked whether an inclusive high street could retain an exclusion policy covering people who deliberately set fire to it. The question was immediately referred to the Committee on…
Burnham Fights Rude Passengers With Posters £100 fines are coming. Staff to issue them are not. LONDON, October 24, 2026 — British commuters suffering through aggressive drunks, abusive football supporters, threatening strangers and teenagers broadcasting TikTok videos at the volume of an aircraft engine have received welcome news from Prime…
This is FREE to my friends and readers of The London Prat. FREE DOWNLOAD: Manchester City FC — The Cityad: The Wrath of the Hundred and Fifteen Yes, completely free. No subscription, no paywall, no financial regulations to navigate, and certainly no 115 charges to explain. Consider it my gift to readers who appreciate satire, football, literature, and the glorious British tradition of taking something ridiculous and treating it with…
Britain once powered the factories of the world. Today, its greatest industrial achievement is asking Paris whether it has a spare electricity socket. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – Britain, the country that helped launch the Industrial Revolution, has achieved another historic milestone by seeking emergency electricity assistance from France while spending nearly £50 million in a single day stabilising its domestic power system. From Industrial Revolution to Importing Electricity Historians…
Prince William Tried to Crop Out Travis Kelce Royal photo etiquette meets an NFL champion who wouldn’t budge LONDON, October 24, 2026 — Prince William has revealed that he repeatedly tried to remove American football star Travis Kelce from a photograph with Taylor Swift and his children, offering a glimpse into life in a family where people have been stepping aside for you since infancy. According to the October 23…
Civility Costs Nothing (Apparently): British Government Launches £32 Million Campaign to Remind Citizens to Be Polite While Westminster Continues Shouting Ministers Demand Respect, Councils Promise Courtesy, and Taxpayers Discover That Saying Please and Thank You Now Requires a Government Department LONDON — The British government has identified a serious national problem: people are no longer sufficiently civil to one another. After extensive consideration, ministers have concluded that the most effective…
Burnham Fights Rude Passengers With Posters £100 fines are coming. Staff to issue them are not. LONDON, October 24, 2026 — British commuters suffering through aggressive drunks, abusive football supporters, threatening strangers and teenagers broadcasting TikTok videos at the volume of an aircraft engine have received welcome news from Prime Minister Andy Burnham: the government has discovered that antisocial behaviour is unpleasant and intends to do something about it, provided…
Bank of England Fears Prosperity and Calling Meetings A £20 weekly raise has economists calling meetings. LONDON, October 24, 2026 — The Bank of England has identified a potentially catastrophic threat to the British economy: ordinary working people receiving enough money to improve their lives. After years of inflation, expensive energy, rising mortgages and declining purchasing power, Britain’s monetary authorities are increasingly concerned that workers might demand compensation for the…
Manchester City Theory Suggests Britain Cannot Repair Its Political Divisions With GDP Growth Alone, Although GDP Growth Would Be a Pleasant Surprise LONDON – British economists have run into a serious challenge to their traditional belief that better living standards reduce public dissatisfaction. Football supporters have shown that people can stay furious even when their teams are winning. The discovery follows renewed attention to the link between sporting loyalty and…
Free-market economists discover Britain has established a business model in which failure to deliver the product is sometimes more profitable than delivering it. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – Britain has unveiled an extraordinary commercial innovation that threatens to revolutionise capitalism: a market in which producers may be compensated for not supplying the product they were originally contracted to supply. The arrangement has stunned businessmen accustomed to the outdated principle that…
Whitehall officials determine that an unidentified object cannot legally become a national security threat until its environmental impact assessment has been completed. WESTMINSTER, 17 October 2026 – The Labour government has responded to concerns about unidentified drones approaching RAF aircraft with the sort of decisive administrative response that has made British bureaucracy the envy of filing cabinets throughout Europe. An emergency committee, provisionally costed at £400 million in Whitehall’s preferred…
Prime Minister Andy Burnham’s government studies Manchester City’s remarkable ability to convert financial controversy into public solidarity, raising hopes that scandals could replace economic growth as Britain’s principal source of national unity. LONDON, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026. Westminster has identified a potential solution to Britain’s declining trust in political institutions after Manchester City manager Enzo Maresca reported that the football club had become more united following an independent commission’s findings…
Treasury officials struggle to determine whether royal security protects Prince Harry from the public, the public from Prince Harry, or newspaper photographers from unemployment. LONDON, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026 | British taxpayers have demanded clarification of the country’s royal security arrangements after Prince Harry continued pursuing official protection while demonstrating an impressive willingness to approach members of the public in Nottingham. The Duke of Sussex greeted well-wishers, shook hands and…
MPs conclude after hearing from forty-one witnesses that two freedoms can coexist, then ask for a further report on how. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – A House of Commons select committee published an interim finding on Friday that adults in Britain are free to choose their gym clothing and that comedians are free to tell jokes, and that these two liberties do not appear to interfere with each other in…
Booking departments across London say two women responding differently to the same comedian has left them without a plan for the second guest chair. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – Television producers responsible for the casting of British comedy panel shows said on Friday that they were reviewing their booking procedures after two women responded to the same American comedian in two entirely different ways and both of them appeared to…
Civil servants say the American dispute over a Saturday Night Live monologue has not yet crossed the Atlantic in any measurable quantity, but would like a plan ready in case it does. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – Officials from six government departments met in a windowless room near Whitehall on Friday afternoon to decide whether a comedian’s remarks about women’s gym clothing, made on American television a week earlier, might…
Interviewing everyone who is angry becomes a substitute for finding out how many people agree WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump’s proposal to renovate East Potomac Golf Links has produced a remarkable achievement in contemporary journalism: a newspaper has located people in Washington who dislike something the president is doing. The breakthrough follows years of intensive research into the relationship between Donald Trump and public dissatisfaction, a field so thoroughly…
Investigators examine century-old conspiracy involving sand traps hiding in plain sight WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has become the central figure in a remarkable Washington mystery involving a 106-year-old golf course that apparently existed for more than a century without every member of the metropolitan press fully appreciating its presence. East Potomac Golf Links Investigation Begins With a Geography Problem The investigation began after public discussion of the president’s…
Rebuilding a sand trap may take more legal prep than Normandy, officials learn WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump’s plans to renovate East Potomac Golf Links have run into an obstacle familiar to anyone who has tried to build anything in the nation’s capital: the American federal government. The project involves redesigning a century-old public golf facility, improving playing conditions and possibly attracting major championship tournaments. Unfortunately, the undertaking also…
As long as one ayatollah has a microphone, the war is going splendidly. TEHRAN, IRAN, October 19, 2026 – Iran’s ruling clerics have declared an unprecedented military triumph over the United States, explaining that the continued existence of even one senior religious official able to issue threats is overwhelming proof that the Islamic Republic has defeated the world’s most powerful conventional military. The remarkable reading of military success comes as…
The premium package finally offers a peace agreement. Batteries sold separately. NEW YORK, October 19, 2026 – America’s defense industry has introduced a new approach to national security in which the United States can rack up virtually unlimited military victories without necessarily suffering the inconvenience of ending a war. The breakthrough follows months of American operations against Iran and growing interest in what it costs to replenish expensive weapons inventories.…
Fleet Street Claims Diana’s Memory Through 2087 LONDON, October 19, 2026 | Prince Harry has committed another serious breach of royal etiquette by considering a documentary about his own mother without first obtaining written permission from the British newspapers that have spent nearly three decades making a living from her death. According to Fox News reporting on the proposed Princess Diana documentary, royal commentators have warned that such a production…
Britain’s Backup Payment System Is Plastic and Has the King on It THREADNEEDLE STREET, LONDON – The Bank of England has answered American fears of an AI-driven financial collapse with a contingency plan built on one of the most controversial technologies in modern banking: banknotes. The announcement stunned economists who believed the future of finance belonged to digital currencies, automation, blockchain and computer networks processing billions of instructions a second.…
Britain’s housing market becomes speed dating with a thirty-year repayment schedule. LONDON, 19 October 2026. British mortgage lenders have cut the average lifespan of mortgage deals to about thirteen days, leaving prospective homeowners with barely enough time to find a property, arrange a viewing, contact a solicitor and explain to their parents why they urgently need £75,000. Moneyfacts Finds Mortgage Product Shelf Life Fell to 13 Days According to Moneyfacts…
Evening cleaner asks organisers to leave a route to his wages MILAN – A worker attempting to travel between two jobs has expressed gratitude to demonstrators highlighting the difficulties faced by working people, while asking whether the campaign might briefly stop making those difficulties worse. The man finished an early shift unloading deliveries and set out for an evening cleaning job, only to discover that his usual route had been…
Britain’s Backup Payment System Is Plastic and Has the King on It THREADNEEDLE STREET, LONDON – The Bank of England has answered American fears of an AI-driven financial collapse with a contingency plan built on one of the most controversial technologies in modern banking: banknotes. The announcement stunned economists who believed the future of finance belonged to digital currencies, automation, blockchain and computer networks processing billions of instructions a second.…
A German supermarket beats Northern Ireland’s licensing rules by hiring a bartender. BELFAST, 19 October 2026. Northern Ireland’s licensing system has scored a victory for regulatory complexity after German supermarket chain Lidl found that the most practical way to sell alcohol near Belfast was to open an actual pub. The Middle Ale Opens in Dundonald The establishment, called The Middle Ale, opened in Dundonald in June following Lidl’s difficulties obtaining…
Households find they already own something scarier than a vegetable with teeth NORWICH – British families facing warnings about scarce and smaller Halloween pumpkins have been advised to display their energy bills instead, after preliminary household assessments suggested a quarterly statement gets a stronger reaction than anything achievable with a kitchen knife and an orange vegetable. Parents report the effect needs no candle and becomes more frightening when opened. Why…
Passengers learn a ticket doesn’t make you the entertainment director LONDON – A proposed crackdown allowing fines of up to £100 for playing music aloud on buses has been greeted with cautious optimism by passengers who had begun to suspect personal headphones were a lost technology, like Roman concrete or affordable housing. Sky News reported the measure as part of action against antisocial behaviour. Antisocial behaviour on buses: why commuters…
Council refers question to Committee on Insensitive Wording LONDON – Shopkeepers taking part in a council consultation on possible migrant-related unrest have asked whether an inclusive high street could retain an exclusion policy covering people who deliberately set fire to it. The question was immediately referred to the Committee on Insensitive Wording, whose members agreed that the phrase “set fire” risked allowing the discussion to become overly focused on flames.…
Britain Points Out It Has Already Done the Three-Day Week WHITEHALL, LONDON – American artificial intelligence researchers have warned that their own technology could force society back to 1973, a prediction that has been received in Britain as a reasonable summary of last winter. The warning follows concern that powerful AI systems could be used in cyberattacks on financial institutions, electricity networks and public infrastructure. In practical terms, the people…
Treasury asks surviving billionaires to stay until the next Budget LONDON – Britain’s socialist left has rediscovered a revolutionary economic principle: every billionaire is a policy failure, every millionaire is a potential investigation, and every entrepreneur is somebody who hasn’t yet received the correct tax assessment. The principle has circulated among progressive campaigners for years, but the latest debate has handed it a respectable new audience. The Financial Times has…
Officials Ask How Families Kept Money Without Permission LONDON, 20 October 2026 – Britain is on course to spend a record £93.76 billion this Christmas, and the Treasury has opened an emergency investigation into how millions of ordinary families came to be holding money the government hadn’t already noticed. UK Christmas Spending Forecast Reaches £93.76 Billion The alarming discovery follows the latest Christmas shopping forecast, reported by FashionNetwork, which predicts…
