Traditional Values Conservatism: Sunday Lunch As Constitution

Family, Faith, And Suspicion Of Anything After 1985

Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the British political menagerie.

The Traditional Values Conservative believes the country is held together by family, faith, and a vague suspicion of any music recorded after 1985. Editor Alan Nafzger of the Editor’s Desk at prat.uk presents the field guide, with help from the Church of England and The Spectator.

Twenty Tells: Spotting The Traditional Values Conservative On A British High Street

1. Maintains a strong opinion on table manners and a stronger one on knees.
2. Refers to family as the smallest, fiercest unit of government.
3. Holds any new household form is, by default, a sort of weather.
4. Has explained, at a wedding, that the toast should be to the parents.
5. Refers to the Church of England as the building you can rely on.
6. Treats any school without prayer as a sort of unfinished homework.
7. Maintains a binder of pieces from The Spectator he keeps for emergencies.
8. Refers to Sunday trading as the long, slow loss of Sundays.
9. Holds the cure for any society is a stricter clergy.
10. Has explained he is not anti-modern, just selectively modern.
11. Refers to children as the only audit that matters.
12. Treats any TV programme after 9pm as suspect.
13. Maintains a fantasy in which the Lords debate the Book of Common Prayer.
14. Refers to swearing as a sort of national wear and tear.
15. Holds any festival should involve a hymn.
16. Maintains a soft spot for the cassock and a harder one for the chasuble.
17. Refers to the council estate as the country we have not yet helped properly.
18. Treats Marriage Week as a moral category.
19. Has explained the family meal is a small parliament.
20. Believes the country is held together by Sunday lunch and a working choir.

Editor’s Note

If any of this rings a bell, you have either been to a Tory association AGM, a Reform UK rally above a leisure centre, or both. More dispatches at govna.uk and the parent site prat.uk. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see The Poke.

SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/politics/

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