Top 20 London Market Jokes Where the Scotch Egg Costs £9 and Your Dignity Costs More London’s markets are the city at its most contradictory — ancient institutions selling things at prices that would have caused a medieval riot, staffed by people in waxed aprons explaining provenance to customers who have come from a Deliveroo generation and are now standing in a light drizzle paying £9 for a scotch egg…
Top 20 London Dog Groomer Jokes Where the Cockapoo Has a Better Stylist Than You London’s dogs are living better than most of London’s people. They have nutritionists, behaviourists, hydrotherapists, and stylists. Their grooming appointments are booked weeks in advance at salons with names like “Pawfection” and “The Hairy Hound Spa,” where a small fluffy creature receives £85 worth of attention while its owner waits in reception drinking complimentary herbal…
Top 20 London Yoga Studio Jokes Where the Vinyasa Costs £25 a Class London’s yoga studios are temples of carefully calibrated wellness, located in converted warehouses, basements, and rooftops across the city. They smell of palo santo and sandalwood. They are lit at a level that suggests dawn, regardless of the time of day. They charge £25 per class, £180 per month for unlimited memberships, and they have a tea…
Top 20 London Gym Jokes That Will Make You Feel Better About Not Going London has more gyms per square mile than it has functioning escalators on the Underground, and considerably more members who haven’t attended since February than it has members who actually go. The gym is one of the great London institutions — a place where optimism is purchased monthly, guilt is stored indefinitely, and a man named…
Top 20 London Nail Bar Jokes That Take Two Hours and Cost £85 The London nail bar is a curious modern institution — part beauty parlour, part social club, part respite from the city’s noise, and entirely committed to a service that takes longer than most cinema films and produces results that will be photographed, admired, and chipped within nine days. The technicians work with extraordinary patience and precision. The…
Top 20 London Private Members Club Jokes: The Waiting List Has a Waiting List London’s private members clubs are the city’s most politely impenetrable institutions — places that want you to want to belong while maintaining carefully calibrated uncertainty about whether you ever will. From the ancient gentlemen’s clubs of St James’s, where the carpets have not been changed since the Suez Crisis, to the rooftop bars of Soho House…
Top 20 London Dentist Jokes That’ll Make You Smile (At Private Rates) London has two dental realities operating simultaneously in the same city. In one, a kindly NHS dentist sees you every eighteen months in a waiting room that smells of the 1990s and charges you £25.80 for a check-up. In the other, a private practice in Chelsea with a reception desk made of a single piece of white stone…
Top 20 London Café Jokes That Hit Different at £6 a Cup London’s café culture is a civilisational achievement. From the greasy spoon that has served builders the same breakfast since 1973 to the third-wave coffee shop where the barista explains the bean’s origin story before grinding it, the city has more opinions about coffee than it has about most things, including its own governance. Here are twenty jokes from…
Top 20 London Barber Jokes That Cut Closer Than a Grade Two The London barbershop is one of the great democratic institutions. Kings and scaffolders have sat in the same chair, looked at the same mirror, and told the same lie when asked how they’d like it. The barber knows everything about you within four minutes of your sitting down and will tell you nothing about themselves that isn’t strategically…
Top 20 London Tourist Attraction Jokes That No Guidebook Will Tell You Forty million tourists visit London every year. They come for the history, the pageantry, the culture, and the inexplicable thrill of standing in a very long queue to look at a building that was built before their country existed. London welcomes them warmly, charges them accordingly, and sends them home with a fridge magnet and a mild sense…
Top 20 London Pub Jokes That Hit Harder Than a Warm Pint of Landlord The British pub is a cathedral. It is a living room. It is a confessional, a courtroom, a therapy session, and occasionally a fight. London’s pubs are the city’s true institutions — more reliable than the buses, more honest than the politicians, and significantly more expensive than either. Here are twenty jokes in their honour. 1.…
Top 20 London Wedding Venue Jokes That Cost More Than a House Deposit Getting married in London is an act of financial courage. The venues are spectacular, the catering is world-class, the flowers will be extraordinary, and by the time you’ve finished paying for it all you will have spent the equivalent of a deposit on a two-bedroom flat in a zone that would require relabelling what counts as London.…
Top 20 London Funeral Director Jokes That’ll Outlive Us All The British funeral director is one of life’s most professionally calm presences — a person who arrives in a suit at the worst moment of your year and proceeds, with quiet competence, to make a series of decisions on your behalf that you are too exhausted to make yourself. London’s funeral industry is enormous, ancient, and run by some of…
Top 20 London Driving School Jokes Where the Examiner Has Seen It All Learning to drive in London is the slowest and most expensive way to get a piece of plastic that, statistically, you will use less often than someone learning to drive in literally any other British city. The lessons cost £45 an hour. The test pass rate is one of the lowest in the country. The streets are…
Top 20 London Taxi and Uber Jokes That’ll Cost You Extra After Midnight London’s taxi ecosystem is the most philosophically complex in the world. On one side: the black cab, a vehicle operated by someone who has spent four years learning every street in a six-mile radius and has opinions about all of them. On the other: an app that connects you to a man in a Toyota Prius who…
Top 20 UK Political Jokes The UK Political Jokes That Actually Landed (Unlike Most Government Policies) British politics has always been the gift that keeps on giving — a never-ending pantomime where the costumes are expensive, the scripts are improvised, and nobody can agree on who the villain is. From the hallowed benches of Westminster to the wind-battered podiums of the party conference circuit, our politicians have reliably provided more…
Top 20 London Hairdresser Jokes That Cost You £180 and a Personality Change The London hair salon is one of the great theatres of contemporary British life — a glass-fronted establishment in which a five-hour personal transformation takes place under bright lights, accompanied by tea, magazines, and a conversation that ranges from the weather to the deepest interpersonal disclosures of the client’s recent year. The colourist knows everything. The receptionist…
Top 20 London Private School Jokes That Cost £45,000 a Year to Understand London’s private school ecosystem is a world unto itself — a parallel universe where blazers are compulsory, Latin is non-negotiable, and the waiting list for a good prep school begins at birth, assuming you were organised enough to put your name down before birth, which the really prepared parents were. Here are twenty jokes from behind the…
Top 20 London Estate Agent Jokes That Translate What They’re Actually Saying London’s estate agents are a breed of extraordinary optimism, linguistic creativity, and selective amnesia about what a reasonable price for a flat might be. They have taken the English language, which was already capable of significant deception, and pressed it into service for the property market, where it performs miracles daily. Here are twenty jokes to help you…
Top 20 London Plastic Surgeon Jokes Performed Under Local Anaesthetic London’s cosmetic surgery industry is concentrated along Harley Street and the King’s Road with a precision that suggests it has been planned by someone with a marketing degree. The clinics are immaculate, the receptionists have skin that suggests they have been the first beneficiaries of the practice’s services, and the consultation rooms have lighting designed to make every potential client…
Top 20 London Lawyer Jokes Billed in Six-Minute Units London is home to the largest concentration of law firms in Europe, a fact that is either reassuring or alarming depending on whether you currently need one. The city’s legal profession ranges from the gleaming glass towers of Magic Circle firms in the City, where partners bill at £1,000 per hour with the serenity of people who have made peace with…
Trump Rushed From White House Correspondents’ Dinner: 15 Observations From America’s Most Bipartisan Floor For one shining moment Saturday night, Democrats, Republicans, journalists, lobbyists, and cable anchors all agreed on something: the carpet under the banquet tables at the Washington Hilton needs vacuuming. The Annual Dinner Finally Added Action Sequences For years critics said the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner had become stale. Producers apparently took notes, because Saturday’s program upgraded from…
Top 20 London Restaurant Jokes That Are More Honest Than Any TripAdvisor Review London has more restaurants per square mile than it has functioning traffic lights, affordable flats, or politicians with principles. The city’s dining scene is extraordinary, diverse, creative — and absolutely determined to charge you £18 for something that was a peasant dish in 1987. Here are twenty jokes that capture the full glory of eating out in…
Hundreds of Reporters Watch Their Own Handiwork Walk Through the Magnetometer For one strange evening at the Washington Hilton, the people who spend ten years a day calling the president a fascist, a Hitler, an existential threat, and a clear and present danger to the republic got to watch what happens when somebody at home actually believes them. The Press Corps Met Its Own Audience Hundreds of journalists were in…
Top 20 London Letting Agent Jokes from the People Who Took Your Deposit The London letting agent occupies a special place in the city’s emotional landscape. They are the gatekeepers between you and a flat you cannot afford, the deliverers of news you do not want, the arbiters of references you submitted in good faith, and the eventual adjudicators of a deposit dispute concerning a coffee mark that was already…
Top 20 London Accountant Jokes That’ll Be Tax-Deductible If You Try Hard Enough The London accountant is one of the unsung professionals of the city — quietly heroic, deeply patient, and possessed of the particular skill of looking at a shoebox of receipts in March and producing, by July, a tax return that reflects both the law and the client’s vague intentions about both. They are the people standing between…
Top 20 London Therapy Jokes That Will Cost You £180 to Process London is the most therapised city in Europe outside of perhaps Paris, and Paris doesn’t really count because the French regard their interior life as a private national achievement rather than something to be processed weekly. London, by contrast, has a therapist on every other street in Hampstead, an entire economic ecosystem of consulting rooms above health food…
