The London Prat

Public says "catch criminals," Met drafts six priorities LONDON - Londoners invited to help shape the future of policing have submitted an unexpectedly specific proposal: somebody wearing a police uniform should find the person currently using their stolen phone. The suggestion follows the consultation reported by The Voice and has caused concern among administrators who had reserved considerably more space for the word "framework." The Met's actual proposal seeks to strengthen trust, improve support for victims and make policing more effective through better understanding of London's communities. Its official Inclusion Strategy announcement says public feedback will help shape the final document, with the consultation open until 26 November. Residents welcomed the opportunity to explain that their relationship with crime was already sufficiently intimate. "I understand the person who took my phone extremely well," said commuter Martin Pelling, presenting a tracking screen at a community meeting. "He's above a chicken shop. He's been there since Tuesday. I'd like the police to develop the same understanding." Pelling said he had initially mistaken the invitation to participate for news that somebody was participating in his investigation. He subsequently bought another phone, which let him receive updates explaining that there were no updates. London Burglary Victims Ask the Met for Inclusion in Police Visits Burglary victim Denise Cattermole said the strategy's emphasis on inclusion had encouraged her to request inclusion in the next round of addresses visited by an officer. "The burglar came inside, examined the downstairs layout and spent time understanding our household," she said. "I'm asking the police to demonstrate a comparable level of engagement, preferably without taking the television." Cattermole had already supplied photographs, camera footage and a list of missing belongings. She was pleased that the consultation offered another opportunity to describe the incident, although disappointed that this time the missing laptop would be recorded under "lived experience." Her neighbour, electrician Des Mallory, said the public had no objection to being treated with dignity and respect. He simply wanted those qualities extended to the front door, which was currently hanging off one hinge. "There's a whole street here willing to build trust," Mallory said. "We've even left the porch light on." At a second meeting, shopkeeper Priya Mehta asked whether her contribution could be a photograph of the same man leaving with detergent on three consecutive afternoons. "They wanted to know what barriers prevent people reporting crime," she said. "In my case, it's serving customers while repeatedly reporting the same bloke. He's practically on the rota." From "Catch Criminals" to Six Strategic Priorities in the Met Inclusion Strategy The consultation's principal administrative challenge emerged when residents repeatedly answered questions about desired outcomes with the phrase "catch criminals." Consultation adviser Clive Berrington said the response contained useful energy but lacked the complexity required for a modern public document. "We cannot simply put 'catch criminals' on page one," he explained. "People would ask what the other 63 pages were for." Berrington's team therefore translated the proposal into six priorities: listening, understanding, connecting, enabling, delivering and evaluating. Catching somebody would sit beneath delivering, subject to clarification of what delivery meant. A draft diagram showed the six priorities arranged around a circle. A resident asked where the suspect went. The facilitator said the circle represented a continuous journey rather than a custody suite. The document's glossary defines a priority as an objective considered especially important. A supporting note explains that several equally important objectives may require a prioritisation exercise, ensuring no priority is unfairly expected to go first. "A good strategy is like a satnav," Berrington added. "It tells you where you're going." Pelling held up his phone. "So does this." Public Confidence in Policing Measured Before Lunch The Met's stated reasoning, which rests on the old principle of policing by consent, is straightforward: people who trust officers are more likely to report offences, share information and help investigations. Residents accepted that logic and proposed testing whether successful investigations might also encourage people to trust officers. The suggestion created a brief procedural difficulty because it appeared to make confidence depend on something happening. Local philosopher Leonard Griggs described the distinction as the difference between a restaurant asking whether diners felt heard and bringing them the soup. "Listening matters," Griggs said. "But after forty minutes, the person listening should ideally have access to the kitchen." A show of hands at the meeting found overwhelming support for fair treatment, competent investigations and fewer meetings requiring another evening away from work. The facilitator recorded this as encouraging engagement. Several residents asked whether leaving early would damage the findings. One participant suggested that victim satisfaction could be measured by counting recovered belongings. Another proposed counting offenders charged. Both ideas were referred for further discussion because the numbers might be disappointing, whereas attendance was already excellent. London Diversity Produces Remarkably Similar Requests on Stolen Property Residents from different backgrounds reported considerable common ground on the question of having their possessions stolen. Mehta wanted officers who understood her neighbourhood. Mallory wanted officers who understood the camera footage. Cattermole wanted somebody who understood that "the side gate" was an entry point rather than a stakeholder. Pelling said he would welcome help from any qualified officer, with particular enthusiasm for one who was available on Tuesday and knew the stairs above the chicken shop. "London is a wonderfully varied city," he said. "I'm confident we can find room for someone who arrests people." The group agreed that fair policing required both professional conduct and practical results. This caused further trouble for the minutes, which had provided separate boxes for values and delivery and now required an arrow between them. Met Police Consultation Asks Public to Keep Expectations Constructive Berrington urged participants to avoid reducing a complex institution to a single function, comparing the police service to a large orchestra in which every section must work together. "Fine," said Cattermole. "Could the brass section come and look at my door?" The meeting concluded with a commitment to carry residents' concerns forward. Volunteers offered to help carry them directly to the address shown on Pelling's tracking app, but were advised that the present exercise concerned the direction of policing rather than travel arrangements. Participants received a summary promising that their voices would inform future commitments. The Met says it will publish a summary of the results and the final strategy in early 2027. Mehta said she would display hers beside the till, where it could be reviewed during the next detergent collection. Pelling departed cautiously optimistic after being told his contribution had already made a difference. His two-word suggestion had generated six priorities, three action points and a proposal for another workshop. By the following morning, the consultation had successfully located an additional room for public engagement, secured a projector and identified refreshments suitable for a broad range of dietary requirements. His phone remained above the chicken shop. Five Observations on the Met Consultation and the Great London Phone Hunt You can track your stolen phone to the exact flat, the exact sofa, the exact minute the guy started watching your Netflix. And the police go, "Thanks, we'll take that on board." On board? It's on a sofa. I'll give you the sofa. Six priorities is what you get when nobody's allowed to pick one. That's not a strategy, that's a menu. Sixty-four pages, everything's the special, and nobody's brought you a thing. "Catch criminals." Two words. And somehow it needs a whole document. I've ended marriages in fewer words than that, and even those came with less paperwork. A man gets robbed, and the first thing the room guarantees is refreshments for a broad range of dietary requirements. Gluten-free flapjack, though. Very reassuring. Still no phone, but the flapjack's fine. They compared the police to an orchestra. I don't need an orchestra. I've got one burglar and one door. Send me one guy with a whistle and a bad attitude. The world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer have promised to set up a steering group before either accepts the minutes of this disclaimer. The Met consultation and its stated aims are real; the residents, the adviser and the hunt for the phones belong to the story. More London satire, plus how to tell satire from real news if the flapjack confuses you. SOURCE: The Voice: Londoners invited to help shape the future of policing

Tag: Met priorities

Londoners Ask Met Police to Find Their Phones

The London Prat

London Satire

bohiney.com

Encyclopedia of Satire

spintaxi.com