Labour Demands Ten-Year Apprenticeship in Being British
Labour and Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood demand a ten-year apprenticeship in being British. Care workers welcome, comfort not included.
Tag: London
Trump Backs Paxton, Texas Voters Pick Somebody Else
Trump backs Ken Paxton and Austin, Texas voters pick somebody else. The endorsement is not accepted at the polls.
Labour Finds a Socialist Policy Too Extreme for Labour
Labour finds a socialist policy too extreme for Labour after allying with the Greens, who turn out to have policies.
Palace Confirms Royal Sorrow Is Not Legal Tender
Buckingham Palace confirms King Charles’s sorrow over slavery is not legal tender. The London Treasury prefers arithmetic.
Collins Names ‘Mogging’ Word of the Year
Collins names mogging Word of the Year, and Westminster in London claims the title of the nation’s most mogged institution.
Americans Vote Marxism, Then Ask Why Everything Costs More
London economists watch Americans vote for Marxism to punish Trump, then ask why everything costs more. Labour sends congratulations.
Voters Elect Democrats, Wall Street Starts Losing Money
Voters elect Democrats and Wall Street starts losing money. New York markets sell first and read the results later.
Queen Camilla and Meghan Wear Red Without Declaring War
Commentators search the coats for a feud LONDON, October 19, 2026 – Britain’s constitutional monarchy faced an unprecedented crisis on October 15 when Queen Camilla attended an official ceremony in Cardiff while Meghan Markle visited charities in Nottingham, and neither woman appeared to make any public attempt to destroy the other’s reputation. The incident has alarmed royal commentators, who have spent years explaining that two prominent women connected to the…
North Sea Strike Helps Ministers Cut Oil Output
Energy strategy reaches rare agreement on less supply; the fight is over whose fault ABERDEEN – Ministers assessing threatened North Sea industrial action have welcomed an additional way of discouraging British oil production, after years in which taxation, investment uncertainty and political speeches were expected to do all the work. Workers have now offered the chance of a reduction before the next strategy document has finished printing. North Sea strike…
French Mayor Bally Bagayoko Arrives at Immigrant Students’ Protest Demanding More Teachers, Leaves to Chants of ‘President!’ After Discovering Education Reform Is Less Exciting Than Running the Entire Country
The Mayor of Saint-Denis Discovers That Protecting Immigrant Students From Riot Police Also Provides Excellent Television Coverage and Unexpected Presidential Branding SAINT-DENIS, FRANCE. The mayor of Saint-Denis, Bally Bagayoko, has become one of France’s most recognisable political figures after discovering that appearing at a demonstration by French students in a business suit offers considerably more publicity than attending municipal budget meetings. Bagayoko, 53, entered the national spotlight after standing between…
Food Bank Visit by Meghan Prompts Palace Paperwork Demand
Experts ask who approved the groceries NOTTINGHAM, ENGLAND, October 19, 2026 – Meghan Markle has once again threatened the foundations of British constitutional government after visiting a Nottingham food bank and apparently failing to appreciate that charitable activities undertaken by American women may require the approval of at least three British aristocrats, two retired royal correspondents and somebody who once had lunch with Princess Margaret. The Duchess of Sussex accompanied…
Labour Plans to Double Slot Machine Tax as Betting Shops Warn of Closures, and the Government Celebrates Another Victory in Its Campaign to Turn Every High Street Into a Charity Shop
Britain Discovers the Perfect Economic Regeneration Strategy: Close Profitable Businesses and Replace Them With Empty Windows, Charity Shops and Government-Funded Artwork BLACKPOOL, ENGLAND – Britain’s struggling high streets face another exciting opportunity to become even less economically active as Labour MPs push for higher gambling-machine taxes and betting operators warn that thousands of jobs could disappear. The Betting and Gaming Council’s analysis of potential gambling tax increases cites EY modelling…
Fifty Robots Form Parish Council, Forget Lunch
Fifty AI agents in a Minecraft experiment, as viewed from Cambridge, form a parish council and a ration book, then forget lunch.
Bank of England Fights Prices With Prices
The Bank of England in London fights rising prices by raising the price of borrowing. A rate rise is promised to cure the cost of living.
Westminster Raises Trader Fees 900 Percent
Westminster City Council backs small business by raising trader fees 900 percent and seeing which London entrepreneurs survive.
Khan Named Supreme Minister of Getting Pissed
Sadiq Khan gains City Hall powers over London pub licences, becoming Supreme Minister of Getting Pissed with six committees to approve it.
Meghan Markle Fears Silence More Than Scandal
Royal commentators in London brace for the unthinkable in the Meghan and Thomas Markle feud: peace, and with it, silence.
Meghan Markle’s Missing Policeman Silenced Her for Seven Years
Meghan Markle says a policeman silenced her for seven years. Scotland Yard lost the letter, and nobody in London can find the officer.
Harry Returns to Britain and Discovers You Can’t Resign From Family
Prince Harry returns to the Cotswolds six years on and discovers you cannot resign from your family, however formal the announcement.
Burnham Finds £450 Million for EU Students
Prime Minister Andy Burnham finds 450 million pounds for EU student fees, while British graduates are told to enjoy their own debt.
City Thameslink Closes to Fix Escalators
City Thameslink in London closes for seven months to fix escalators, saving passengers a flight of stairs eventually.
Harry and Meghan Find Financial Independence in a Friend’s Guesthouse
Prince Harry and Meghan find financial independence in a friend’s Cotswolds guesthouse. Freedom costs less when someone else owns the house.
Oxford Street Bans Everything Except Cyclists
Oxford Street in London bans cycling, so walking is legal, cyclists ignore the rules and only pedestrians obey them while dodging bikes.
Labour Doubles Settlement Wait to Ten Years
Labour doubles the wait for settlement to ten years, and Westminster ministers call a longer queue a faster route to belonging.
Sussexes Endure Downgrade to Billionaire’s Other Mansion
The Sussexes endure a downgrade to a billionaire’s other Cotswolds mansion, and supporters call for humanitarian aid across the lawn.
Princess Anne Refuses to Sugarcoat Anything
Princess Anne refuses to sugarcoat anything, and Buckingham Palace runs out of sugar and of people willing to argue with her.
Government Offers £100, Asks You Not to Spend It
Chancellor John Healey offers households 100 pounds of energy relief in January and asks them not to spend it. Warmth not guaranteed.
NHS Software Sits Unused in 29 Trusts
A 330 million pound NHS software platform sits unused in 29 trusts, admired mainly on spreadsheets in London.
Tube Now Includes Free Hearing Damage
Transport for London adds a free extra to every Underground ticket: industrial noise levels and the hearing damage that comes with them.
Royals Invite Cousins, Leave Parents at the Gate
William and Kate suggest a playdate for the royal cousins in London: five children inside the palace, four adults at the coffee shop.