Tag: British
The Internet
The Internet Was Apparently Held Together by Sellotape, Politeness, and One Volunteer Named Gregory For decades, the British public was led to believe the internet functioned because of fibre optic cables, clever engineers, and the general can-do spirit of the private sector. It turns out the actual load-bearing structure was somewhat less impressive: a gentleman named Gregory, somewhere outside Helsinki, running on spite and instant coffee, who has not taken…
France Too Skint for Windows
France Too Skint for Windows: Britain Watches Nervously From Its Own Crumbling Computer Chair Socialist Budget Crises Force Two Great Nations to Discover That Free Software Exists — One Baguette at a Time LONDON — In a development that has sent a chill through every Whitehall IT department, France has officially announced it is abandoning Microsoft Windows in favour of Linux — the operating system that costs nothing — prompting…
Harry and Markle Receive Crushing Australia Blow
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Receive Crushing Australia Blow: Some People Unimpressed Sydney / London — In what royal correspondents are calling the most devastating setback since last Tuesday’s devastating setback, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex have reportedly suffered a catastrophic Australia blow after a four-day tour of the continent ended with the discovery that not every single Australian had dropped dead of adoration on the tarmac. Aides are said…
Watching American Football
DOJ Investigates NFL, Discovers Watching American Football Now Requires a Master’s Degree in Subscription Management A Nation Divided — Not by Teams, but by Forgotten Passwords WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling “the most complex offensive scheme since someone tried to explain American football to a Briton at a pub,” the U.S. Department of Justice has launched a sweeping investigation into the National Football League after discovering that…
World’s Most Courteous Financial Coup
China Launches “World’s Most Courteous Financial Coup,” Wins the War Without Firing a Single Invoice Somewhere between missiles arcing over the Gulf and oil tankers playing an extremely consequential game of maritime hide-and-seek, the global economy quietly leaned across the bar, tapped someone on the shoulder, and murmured: “Excuse me — did China just contactless-pay for the entire war?” Welcome to the newest battlefield — not land, not sea, not air,…
The Strait of Hormuz Crisis
Britain, a nation that once commanded the seas from Portsmouth to Penang, has responded to the worst maritime crisis in a generation by hosting a very well-attended video call. Forty nations joined. Everyone nodded. The Strait of Hormuz remained closed. The biscuits at the Foreign Office were reportedly excellent. This is the story of how Great Britain — home of Nelson, Drake, and the man who invented the ship’s biscuit…
Europe has ED: Erectile Disfunction
Europe Has ED: The Continent That Talks Tough, Spends Soft, and Arrives After Everything Is Already Over A clinical assessment of European military capability, presented with deep sympathy and only mild professional embarrassment. The Diagnosis Nobody Wants to Make Let us be frank about what is happening in European defence, because nobody else seems willing to say it plainly. Europe has a performance problem. The desire is there. The vocabulary…
EMEA (Europe, Middle East, and Africa)
EMEA: The Region So Large It Needs Three Time Zones, Four Acronyms, a Pakistani DJ, and One Very Nervous Intern EMEA is what corporations say when they want to mention half the planet without learning any local geography. It is what geopolitics says when it cannot be bothered with postcodes. And now, gloriously, it is what a Pakistani music producer, DJ, filmmaker, and investigative journalist named DJ Kamal Mustafa chose…
Arsenal Bottle It Again
Arsenal Bottle It Again as City Cork the Title Race; Scientists Confirm Etihad Has Its Own Gravitational Field That Only Affects Gunners Mikel Arteta reportedly seen returning all four feathers at full-time while Pep Guardiola announced he would rather read a book than defend against the book he has just written on his apprentice. The Annual Pilgrimage to Manchester Where Arsenal Hand Over Their Title Hopes in a Gift Bag…
New York Mayor Discovers Budget Hack
New York Mayor Discovers Budget Hack: “If You Can’t Balance It, Just Borrow From Everyone’s Future” — And Experts Predict It’s Coming to London Next NEW YORK / LONDON — In a stunning act of fiscal creativity that economists are calling “bold,” “innovative,” and “oh Christ, not again,” New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani has unveiled a budget strategy that hinges on a time-tested socialist principle: when the numbers don’t work today, simply…