Henry VIII Returns to Britain, Immediately Booked for Open Mic Night by Desperate Comedy Promoter An eyewitness account, dictated personally by His Majesty King Henry VIII, transcribed under protest by a nervous stenographer who kept asking if this was “a bit.” I woke up on my own grave at Windsor, which I will admit is not how I pictured my triumphant return to England. I had assumed trumpets. I had…
Meghan Markle Reportedly Needs Just One Thing: A Royal Family With Selective Amnesia Experts Say Meghan’s Comeback Plan Hinges on Britain Forgetting the Last Five Years — Good Luck With That LONDON — Buckingham Palace officials are reportedly reviewing an innovative new reconciliation strategy after royal commentators suggested the only obstacle standing between Meghan Markle and a triumphant return is the British public’s inconvenient habit of remembering things. According to unnamed palace…
No Policy Changes, Just New Con-Man at the Head of Labour LONDON — Labour has entered its traditional moment of spiritual renewal, which, for those unfamiliar with the ritual, involves removing one face from the podium, attaching a different face, and asking the nation to feel something hopeful about the woodwork. Keir Starmer is reportedly out. Andy Burnham is reportedly in. And the British public is being asked to believe the washing machine…
7 Reasons Labour Keeps Getting It Wrong: A Century of Trying Very Hard and Making It Worse LONDON — Labour has been getting things wrong for so long it has developed a kind of institutional muscle memory for it. Like a man who keeps walking into the same glass door, the party doesn’t lack confidence. It lacks a different door. What follows is not an attack. It is a historical service.…
Labour Party Unity Collapse Markets LONDON — Financial markets trembled Monday after senior Labour figures assured the country that the party was “completely united,” a phrase experienced Britons immediately recognised as Westminster’s equivalent of hearing, “Everything is under control,” moments before a smoke alarm begins singing Jerusalem in a pitch only dogs can detect. Traders in London reportedly paused their screens, removed their glasses, pinched the bridge of their noses, and quietly whispered, “Uh-oh.”…
⬤ LONDON | BREAKING: AGAIN ⬤ Keir Starmer Resigns, Britain Forced to Learn Name of Yet Another Prime Minister Historians Update Flowcharts for Seventh Time This Decade as Nation’s Pencil Supply Reaches Critical Levels Britain awoke on Monday to discover that Prime Minister Keir Starmer had resigned, triggering the traditional national pastime of trying to remember who is running the country this week — and whether the photograph hanging in government offices needs…
Keir Starmer Resigns; Burnham’s Tape Measure Vindicated LONDON — THE LONDON PRAT — Keir Starmer resigned as Prime Minister on Monday morning, thereby confirming what the tape measure found near the Number 10 curtains had been trying to tell us all along. Standing outside Downing Street in the manner of a man who had rehearsed his dignity until it was absolutely watertight, Starmer said he accepted “with good grace” that his party no…
Keir Starmer Announces Yet Another “Reset” With Europe, Britain Begins Looking For Original Factory Settings LONDON — The Prime Minister this week unveiled his latest “reset” with Europe, the seventh in roughly eighteen months, prompting a weary nation to start hunting through its drawers for the little laminated card that explains how to restore the country to its original condition. Nobody can quite remember what that condition was. But everyone…
Welsh History Rewritten After Experts Realise Ancient Britons Were Also Drawing On Walls Scientists Confirm Humans Have Been Doodling During Important Meetings For At Least 17,000 Years MUMBLES, WALES — A stunning archaeological discovery near the Welsh seaside village of Mumbles has reportedly rewritten British history after researchers announced that a collection of mysterious rock markings once dismissed as scratches may actually be Britain’s oldest known prehistoric artwork. The discovery…
Nicola Sturgeon Shocked To Discover Husband Had Secret Life As Actual Husband EDINBURGH — Former Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has revealed she was devastated to learn that her husband, Peter Murrell, apparently spent years doing things without first submitting a detailed PowerPoint presentation to her. The revelation has stunned married couples throughout Britain. A man who shares a roof, a postcode, and a council tax bill with another human being turned…
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