Britain Is Wonderful, Slightly Underused, Possibly Damp
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the British political menagerie.
The Soft Nationalist Conservative believes Britain is a wonderful country full of wonderful people who are, frankly, slightly underused, ideally because of the trains. Editor Alan Nafzger of the Editor’s Desk at prat.uk presents the field guide, with help from the Royal Family and the Ministry of Defence.
Twenty Tells: Spotting The Soft Nationalist Conservative On A British High Street
- Maintains a small flag on his desk and a slightly larger one in his head.
- Refers to the Union Jack the way other people refer to a comforting blanket.
- Holds any Sunday roast is also structurally a flag.
- Maintains a fantasy in which Britain is taken seriously again, by us, slowly.
- Refers to the Royal Family the way other men refer to family weather.
- Treats any sentence ending in this country as a small political poem.
- Maintains a binder of jubilees, weddings, and trooping the colour.
- Refers to the BBC as the broadcaster that needs to remember its name.
- Holds any policy is improved by a brief mention of the country.
- Has explained, at a wedding, that he is not a nationalist, just a fan.
- Refers to football tournaments as small national therapy.
- Treats Last Night of the Proms as a soft constitutional event.
- Maintains a soft spot for fish and chips and a hard spot for plastic forks.
- Refers to Brexit as a sort of family decision we will not relitigate.
- Holds any new immigrant who likes Marmite is structurally fine.
- Has explained patriotism is also structurally a hot drink.
- Refers to the armed forces as the politest version of the country.
- Treats any London skyscraper without British branding as suspect.
- Maintains a fantasy in which the Daily Express interviews him.
- Believes the cure for the country is to like it, gently.
Editor’s Note
If any of this rings a bell, you have either been to a Tory association AGM, a Reform UK rally above a leisure centre, or both. More dispatches at govna.uk and the parent site prat.uk. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see NewsThump.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/politics/
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London is the only city where the phrase “mind the gap” applies to both the train and the growing chasm between your expectations and reality.
My mate’s a planner. Complete radio silence since I sent him this. Worst silence. Definitely accurate silence.
Somewhere someone’s sending this to their MP and the MP will do nothing.